As a precursor, let me just say that I am of South Asian decent although I was born and raised in the states. In the asian culture, what we Americans consider "normal" is considered fat. Basically, any female between the size of 7 to 10 is considered "chubby" and anyone over the size ove 10 is straight up called fat. Yes, I'v have other asians call me fat (or "very healthy") to my face.
I'm upset right now because it happened again. I have this family friend over right now. He and his wife are visiting my parents and I'm here as well. I haven't seen this couple in 2 years. Due to a very emotional year last year (my parent almost died), I turned to food for comfort. I've gained a solid 30 pounds and I'm currently in size 16 pants. In the South Asian society, I am fat. I know that I have weight to lose. I am not living in denial about my weight gain. However, it just pisses me off to no end that people of my parents generation who are South Asian call me fat to my face (and in front of my parents some times) and my parents don't say anything.
I admit that today I wasn't really "smart" in terms of understanding what this jerk was actually calling me. I came into the living room to greet the couple and the conversation went like this:
Me: "Hi uncle. Hi aunty. How are you guys?"
Woman: "Oh, we are good.
Man: "Hi. Wow, you've gotten very healthy."
Me: (in my stupidity of not understanding right away that he called me fat in a dipolmatic way) "Oh, I don't know about all that, but thanks."
It only occured to me a few minutes later that this jerk called me fat!
The couple is still here for the day. They plan to leave after dinner. I feel like getting even with this jerk. Fat?! HE should talk. He has a big pot belly the size of Apu from The Simpsons! ARGH!!!
I wish I was great with come backs. I don't want to let this issue go. I'm also pissed that neither one of my parents had my back about this situation...but then again, they've been calling me fat for years...even when I was a size 10 back in the day.
How should I get my revenge? I was thinking about going back into the living room where they are and causually mention how both of them look the same after all these years...but that the uncle looks very healthy and that he should be careful given his age. Or I can just straight up go into the living room and directly tell him that I didn't appreciate him insulting me about my weight and that he is really needs to lose a lot more weight than I do, so he shouldn't really talk. I just want to fight back after years of South Asian people (mostly from my parents generation) thinking it's acceptable to call someone fat. It might be acceptable in India, but that is NOT acceptable in America!
**edited** I also want to add that I have plans to attend a friend's bday party later tonight. She is a very slender woman and all of her friends are also slender (size 6 and below...I know this because at a previous gathering, some of these women called out their dress size number). I already feel insecure about my size 16 body...and now this jerk tells me that I look "very healthy"....that a--hole! I don't want to go to this birthday party anymore. She's a good friend though, so I will attend and try to forget the fact that I was called fat...by a guy who is also fat and has a huge pot belly....I might be FAT, but at least I don't have a pot belly! I have a kangeroo pooch.
Last edited by FreeBird3; 03-05-2011 at 03:37 PM.
Reason: Venting some more
sorry you had to hear that, i'd be upset too if i were you, but do you think he meant it in an insulting way? if its a cultural thing he may have just been stating your gain matter of fact, like you got new glasses or grew your hair long. by the way i dont think that makes it right, just wondering what his motives were. i have an uncle who 'affectionatly' calls me fatty. one day i got fed up of it and basically swore my face off at him and called him a few choice names of my own, and although i felt justified in doing it, it didnt make the situation any better, and i havent spoken to him for a few years. just keep in mind once you say something you cant take it back.
It might be acceptable in India, but that is NOT acceptable in America!
"Rude" is always in the eye of the beholder. It IS acceptable in many American subcultures to make references to people's size, even to call them fat (sometimes it's intended as a compliment. Sometimes it's considered only a mild criticism, sometimes its considered neutral, and others a harsh, but acceptable criticism)..
If you think that only non-American families find it acceptable to comment and criticise family members (especially younger family members) on their weight and appearance (or on any other topic) you'd be wrong. In my Polish, Italian, German family it was very acceptable, and I heard and still hear commentary about my weight from relatives.
I'm not usually offended by it (at least not until it becomes a 20 minute long diatribe), because it's "normal" in my family. It's as normal their commentary on my grades, my clothes, my friends, my complexion, my single-status (when I was single), my childlessness (both single and married) ...
I didn't learn until college that much of what I thought was "normal" was considered rude by many people. And much of what I considered rude, many people considered normal.
It can be very difficult to "keep the rules straight" when moving from one culture to another (and even one subculture to another). Or even in dealing
with people of other cultures or subcultures. Even among my family members and friends (some of which are immigrants or from different subcultures) I can't always keep it straight. All I can do is apologize when I "get it wrong."
Personally, I hate that it's considered rude to even mention fat. I hate that I have to pretend not to notice that someone is "fat like me." I can't ask even a woman my size where she got her lovely clothes, because of the implication that we might be the same size and I'm not supposed to "notice" that.
I can't talk about "being fat" without someone telling me that I'm not fat (on what planet is that true?)
I'm not even supposed to notice that I am fat.
And if I can't talk about being fat, then I can't talk about trying to become less fat.
I hate that "fat" is such a hot topic that there is no way to discuss it without offending someone.
You can plan to "get even" if you want, but it isn't going to help. Your rage isn't helping anyone. If they meant it neurtrally or positively, move on. Life is too short to get bent out of shape over an insult that wasn't intended.
Also being "rude back" never improves the situation, it just inspires the other person to attack back even harder - which will tempt you to attack even harder and it escalates into a hatred on both sides that wasn't necessary.
You have every right to say "I don't appreciate references to my size, please stop." Then you don't have to worry about whether an insult was intended or not.
You really don't have to let it have power over you.
If someone tries to call me fat as an insult, I say "Yes, I'm fat, what's your point?" Usually it leaves them speechless (after all, what is the point?)
When a teen boy at a Walmart shouted "Wow you're fat," or some similar comment, I laughed and said something like "Wow, did you figure that out all by yourself, or did you have help?"
Whether it's meant as an insult or not, you don't have to let it bother you in the least. If someone chose to try to use your eye color against you as an insult, would you become rageful, or would you think the other person was a bit of a nut and find it amusing.
You really don't have to let it have power over you.
If someone tries to call me fat as an insult, I say "Yes, I'm fat, what's your point?" Usually it leaves them speachless (after all, what is the point).
When a teen boy at a Walmart shouted "Wow you're fat," or some similar comment, I laughed and said something like "Wow, did you figure that out all by yourself, or did you have help?"
Thanks for the helpful tips! I will definitely keep it in mind for the future "fat" insults. Who knows. Maybe he will make a comment about my weight later on today....and this time I'll have something to say back to him. It just blows my mind how people (of my parents up-bringing and generation) think it's okay to call me fat when they are bigger than me! I wish I was smart enough to catch on right away that he was calling me fat...then I would have shot back "Wow! You look VERY healthy too uncle. More healthy than me in fact!" **sigh** As usual, I'm a little too late with the insult back.
You really don't have to let it have power over you.
If someone tries to call me fat as an insult, I say "Yes, I'm fat, what's your point?" Usually it leaves them speechless (after all, what is the point?)
lol kaplods i have used that exact same line! it gets a much more satisfying reaction than trying to insult them back.
Whether it's meant as an insult or not, you don't have to let it bother you in the least. If someone chose to try to use your eye color against you as an insult, would you become rageful, or would you think the other person was a bit of a nut and find it amusing.
It is possible to learn to do the latter.
You are very wise. I will take your advice and not do anything about it. While I've been sitting here, I thought back to a positive social situation that occured 2 days ago and it reminded me that this uncle's comment about me is incorrect.
You are right....this other person is a bit of a nut and I now find his comment rather amusing. Thank you!
something i learned a long time ago, people name call especially to your face to hurt you... and they want to hurt u in order to make themselves feel better.... if i was u i would wanna get him back but in a different way something that has nothing to do with weight.. find a way to insult his age or education.. something that come out of left field and he would know how to take it just like u.. then put on your out fit and some cut lip gloss and go get your party on tonight after all he made the silly comment not your friend.. you still have to live and enjoy life... =)
You are very wise. I will take your advice and not do anything about it. While I've been sitting here, I thought back to a positive social situation that occured 2 days ago and it reminded me that this uncle's comment about me is incorrect.
You are right....this other person is a bit of a nut and I now find his comment rather amusing. Thank you!
I'm not saying it's always easy. Because we are taught to see "fat" as a horrible insult. This bothers me more than fat being used as an insult.
As for family members making commentary on my weight, it's so "normal" that I have a hard time looking at it as insulting.
My father has silly nicknames for all of his children. For as long as I can remember I've been "jammer-juicekins," "jammers," or "kaplods" usually "fat jammers" or "fat kaplods."
Sounds horrible, right? I never thought so. I was of course mortified that he might "slip" and call me one of his nicknames whenever I had friends over, especially one with the adjective "fat" preceding it, but not because I found the nickname insulting, but because I knew my friends wouldn't understand.
My dad almost never used the word fat "against me." Calling me "fat jammers" and "fat kaplods" was his way of saying "You're fat, but I love you just the way you are."
I think it's one of the reasons I can't muster much fear or hatred of the word "fat," because my father taught me that "fat" doesn't prevent you from being smart, generous, funny, and entirely good, valuable and loveable (Ironically my father was very slender all of his life. I got more acceptance from him than from my mother and grandmother who were overweight. I got a lot of judgement from them, but I realize now only because they were judging themselves so harshly).
And I think that's the real power of the word fat as an insult is the implication that fat makes you worthless and unloveable.
Fat can make you unhealthy. It can even make you unattractive to many if not most people, but it can't make you worthless and unloveable. And I think if we all realized that - "fat" would have almost no power as an insult.
The only solution to the insult problem is to lose weight, get skinny, and stay that way.
And once you are skinny, give back some rude comments to those jerks.
I have not gotten any rude comments, because I am not that overweight. But I do have some thin people that avoid me at gatherings.
When I get thin and they want to be friendly, then I will ignore them.
I'm not interested in making friends with people I know to be rude.
I think it's good to think of responses to an insult. Then, if it ever happens again you have a zippy come back. In response to your uncle you could look him in the eyes and say, "And you are very healthy as well."
And for an idiot in Walmart that yells, "wow - you're fat." I would respond, "Wow - you're a rocket scientist. I bet your parent's are proud!"
Say "yes, I am rather 'healthy' right now, but fortunately for me, I can lose the weight. Unfortunately for you, you can put others down all you want, but you'll still be a rude person. Sorry for that." I'd never have the balls to actually say this to somebody, but I like to think about it anyways, lol.
My husband's aunt (by marriage) is Japanese. She's this sweet little old lady, but she says absolutely ANYthing that pops into her head. Before I lost weight, she called me fat on a few occasions. Once she asked if I wanted to go shopping with her, and that she'd even take me to the "fat lady" stores. Another time, in front of everyone at the dinner table, she asked if my whole family was fat like me. She even straight up said I was "too fat to eat that" when I was eating some snack. Of course, now that I lost weight, she is constantly badgering me about being too skinny. She asked how much I weighed, and I told her about 125, and she got this horrified look on her face and said "I thought you were skinny, that's fat!" (She's 4'10, I'm 5'7...to her, 125lbs seems huge, lol).
Mostly I tried to ignore her comments, but they were undeniably hurtful. I absolutely don't believe she was intentionally trying to hurt me or insult me, she was just stating her observation. To her I looked fat, so she said it. And a lot of that, in my opinion, is cultural differences. When she was young in Japan, having some extra weight was probably considered healthy and probably even something to envy because food was so scarce. She never developed the associations of being fat or calling somebody fat that we do here. Perhaps your family members are the same way? I know having somebody point out that you're overweight is hurtful no matter what, but realizing that it's not said with the intention of being an insult makes it slightly more tolerable.
FB3,I actually have a lot in common with you as I've been married to an Indian man for 15+ years. Although I love and care about many of his friends and family I have had to develop a very thick skin because of their lack of tact. I am aware of the fact that I allowed myself to get very heavy however they took it upon themselves to make sure I knew it. Now as I'm on this weight loss journey they are all so pleased for me that it's almost on an absurd level. Their comments on my weight loss would lead a person to believe that as my weight went down my I.Q. increased, money just magically appeared in my bank account and I was so much healthier. The later bothered me for two reasons 1. They had no clue what I was doing to lose weight, I could have been popping laxatives or sticking my finger down my throat but because I getting slimmer I was automatically healthier. 2. The people that urged me to be healthier drank themselves into a stupor at least once a week and about half of them were doctors and diabetic, but when I pointed out that, to me, what they were doing was stupid they shrugged me off because if I was fat I obviously had a low I.Q. I do agree with everyone about not letting him get to you, but I know how hard that can be. Stay strong and believe in yourself.
How to fight back - Dealing with "fat" insults
She's a good friend though, so I will attend and try to forget the fact that I was called fat...by a guy who is also fat and has a huge pot belly....I might be FAT, but at least I don't have a pot belly! I have a kangeroo pooch. 
