My husband, who had put on 100 lbs since we met, has said time and time again that he wants to lose weight.
Recently, because he went from being completely sedentary to very active (new job) and also has been unable to at nearly as much because of his long, demanding shifts, he lost about 30 lbs!!
He felt so good, looked so good, and we celebrated this wonderful accomplishment! I did not tell him (even though I was worried about it) that since he lost the weight NOT by changing eating habits but by eating say a bagel w/ cream cheese and a coffee over a 14 hours day, that his still poor eating habits would come back to haunt him.
They have, as he has had more time home lately, and has already put on 10 lbs...but, he said he really wants to work to lose it again and lose more weight!
So he has decided to do the treadmill, which he does about 2 times a week for 30 minutes. Also he wants to make healthier choices, but...
He's he person that thinks because he ordered a chicken Caesar wrap with LOADS of Caesar dressing (deli made so they are HUGE too) that he is eating healthy. I don't want to discourage him. Because he did get that instead of a slice of pizza, but we all know those foods (like some "wraps" or "salads" that seem healthy but really they are loaded with calories. I have told him that I want to go to a nutritionist (I don't) and I'd like him to come along. I figured we could learn together.
I try to praise him and encourage him and compliment him, but I cant tell if he really wants to lose weight and is lost, or he "wants" to lose weight, but has no intention of really trying.
Today for lunch he was going to get drive thru and I suggested we go to the deli in our local food court where he would have more options. He was angry about this, and said he didn't want to drive all over town to eat. I swear the deli place was actually closer!!! (This is where he could have ordered pizza but chose the wrap, which is a big deal for him, so I told him it was great he made a better choice for lunch) Then he ate my son's frozen yogurt! lol and then had a large mocha frappe from a local place (like the ones at McD's) and for dinner I made pasta with shrimp and broccoli, and he added several hand fulls of mozzarella cheese.
The other day we went out to eat, and he had a sunday for dessert then we drove directly to a birthday party for my son's friend. And my husband ate another meal of pizza and cake...In the car ride TO THE PARTY my husband was telling me how he wants to lose some weight...huh?
I don't know what to do. Do I do nothing? Weightloss is a personal journey, but I feel stuck between wanting to help him and wanting to just say "whatever!"
I've posted about my husband before as this has been an on going issue. I just want to let anyone that has unhelpful, nasty comments know not to bother. If you're feeling angery or bitter today, please take it out somewhere else. One person last time left a very useless comment that was just dripping with anger that obviously came from their own issues. And I blocked them.
Sorry to be so blunt, but I'm not in the mood to deal with miserable people. This is an issue that is really upsetting me. I really need some real advice.
Last edited by GlamourGirl827; 03-03-2011 at 08:49 PM.
Have you asked him what he needs from you right now? Like a good heart to heart? I'd start there.
"Hon, I see the changes you are trying to make. I feel stuck between wanting to help you, and wanting to keep my distance because weight loss is such a personal journey. How do you need me to be on this one? I want to support you how you need but I don't know what that is. Clue me in."
my dad is having the same issue and every time he messes up or complains about not losing weight or talks about how he used to be a body builder, i tell him that "uh, you could be that again if you actually put effort into it." it took some time to break him down, but i finally got him to count calories and to pay more attention to what he's been eating. he's lost around 15 lbs so far.
i guess maybe some outward motivation helps. i think also praising your husband's eating habits is great too, but maybe letting him know when he slips up will help a bit. i realize that it could be a major source of contention between you two, but it might also serve to motivate him.
I've never had an overweight S.O., but I have had many "fat" friends. I use the quotation mark to mean: some are legitimately obese and some are not, but all talk constantly about how "fat" they are and how much they want to lose weight and consistently make terrible food choices. One will typically eat multiple slices of pizza with some kind of heavy dessert, look at my grilled chicken salad, and talk about how much weight she wants to lose. I do nothing about but shrug because I've been in that place too -- and it's none of my business.
Your husband is your husband, so he is your business. But anything you do to "help" him will only become an issue about you. How many posts have you read with women on 3FC complaining their boyfriends or husbands are "sabotaging" them by... having food around; not having food around; complimenting them; not complimenting them -- etc? Hungry people are edgy people.
One thing you can do is put your foot down about where you are willing to eat. Talk openly about your own weight loss -- not in terms of pounds, but healthy decisions. "I'm going for a run, want to join me?" "I'm getting the chicken salad without dressing because dressing is 100 unnecessary calories." If that doesn't work, an honest conversation in which you tell him he's being an idiot, and you hate to see him feeling like he's being deprived while he is also being an idiot, might help. Remind him one slice of pizza is better than that ridiculous chicken wrap, and he might go for it.
Astrophe's suggestion is a great one. I'm sure my husband often feels in your place in regards to me. Though, he's never had a weight problem. Max up he ever is might be 20 lbs.
It is tough to watch the one you love self-sabbotage, but if you ask for what he needs, then you are most likely to get an honest answer. If he wants food police, then talk about what taht really means. If he wants guidance on good choices, I agree that hearing it from a nutritionist is better than coming from you. if he wants to eat whatever he wants, but just wants to add exercise, by his exercise buddy. he might decide to change eating habits later once exercise alone doesn't work.
my dad is having the same issue and every time he messes up or complains about not losing weight or talks about how he used to be a body builder, i tell him that "uh, you could be that again if you actually put effort into it." it took some time to break him down, but i finally got him to count calories and to pay more attention to what he's been eating. he's lost around 15 lbs so far.
i guess maybe some outward motivation helps. i think also praising your husband's eating habits is great too, but maybe letting him know when he slips up will help a bit. i realize that it could be a major source of contention between you two, but it might also serve to motivate him.
I think it is easier to lay on the nag when you are the child. Much more difficult when you are the spouse or parent.
Have you asked him what he needs from you right now? Like a good heart to heart? I'd start there.
"Hon, I see the changes you are trying to make. I feel stuck between wanting to help you, and wanting to keep my distance because weight loss is such a personal journey. How do you need me to be on this one? I want to support you how you need but I don't know what that is. Clue me in."
A.
Great suggestion! This is exactly what I would do. If he would like you to help him stay accountable, then you need to be honest with him about his food choices. If he wants you to keep some distance, then I'd say that you should avoid praising or criticizing his food choices.
Regardless of what he says, I'd share information not judgment. For example, instead of saying "that wrap is a terribly unhealthy!" I'd let him know how many calories are likely in it vs. what you were choosing or some of his other options. I'd e-mail him links to things you've found useful. Help him to learn rather than just listening to your advice. Teach a man to fish and all that.
I don't think there are many people out there who respond well to nagging from their SO.
One thing I did was tell my boyfriend how eye opening calorie counting was. I made it about me, and how I am so shocked over the certain calorie counts of various foods. Then I said, "you should try it one week, just to see" he thought it sounded like too much work so I told him to just write down what he ate and I would enter it for him. He was shocked by a few of the "healthy" items he chose.
Another thing you could do is by "Eat This, Not That" for yourself... but leave it on the coffee table, or somewhere he may pick it up and thumb through it.
gagalu My dad is a former body builder too who used to eat 5000 calories a day and LOSE on it. I think they have a hard time because they have fallen so far and so hard from the "glory days."
All the people I work with are constantly on diets or want to lose weight. We even tried to do like the Biggest Looser- the person who looses the most amount of weight during that week would get the cash. It was kinda cool, I won a few times. But what gets me is that our manager constantly brings in LOADS of food for us to eat. Don't get me wrong, I think it's great that they feed us on the company's buck, but don't bring in the giant multipacks of chips, the two giant tubs of nut, rasins and then the 5 lbs bag of M&M's (we make our own trail mix instead of buying it premade) I could go on and on.
And then everyone sits around and talks about how they want to lose weight. And then a sales rep comes in with not one, but two boxes of dunkin donuts. And everyone has one (minus me) and then sits around and talks about how they want to lose weight.
I stay out of it. In fact- they don't even know I'm dieting. If they truly wanted advice, or help, or support, then I'd be right there. But talk is cheap.
I understand that this is your husband and not a silly coworker. A coworker you can blow off. A coworker- you might not really give two rat butts if they gained or lost weight. So maybe you should have a quiet and gentle heart to heart.
"Husband, I hear you speak about loosing weight. I hear you say you want to loose , etc. But your food choices are not where they should be if this truly is your intention. And so I need to hear it from you- if this is something you truly want to do, then I will support you 100%. Just tell me what you want and need from me and I'll do it."
He may really need to think it over though. for 20 years I moaned about wanting to lose weight. And a few times a had. But the majority of those years I moaned about it. Tried expensive get slim quick pills, wasted money and moaned about it. All of him has to be in to getting healthy. Unfortunately, it can't just be a whim. And he might have to do some soul searching.
In the meantime, I do like another posters idea... trying to incorporate him more in to your habits. "Want to go for a walk with me?" etc. I hope it turns out well!
Another thing you could do is by "Eat This, Not That" for yourself... but leave it on the coffee table, or somewhere he may pick it up and thumb through it.
Oooh! The bathroom would be a good place to plant something like that! I have noticed that men really like to read in the bathroom and they don't really seem to care what they are reading!
I've never seen nagging work, no matter who was doing it (at least not without causing damage far worse than the results it produced). It may be easier to nag a parent, but it isn't any more effective. Whenever I've tried it with my own parents, it sure didn't work any better than when aimed their nag at me.
I agree that asking "how can I help," is probably the best route. My husband and I have both lost about 90 lbs now. It shocked me to recently realize this. I was exasperated with what I saw as my husband's "lack of effort."
I happened to see my husband weighing himself, and realized he'd lost more weight than I had. Here I had been griping (in my head) about his "bad habits," and "lack of effort" and he had lost 6 more pounds than I had. Oh boy am I glad I didn't say any of those thoughts out loud.
We both have different approaches to weight loss, and it can be very easy to view the other person's way as the wrong way, or as being unmotivated, or lacking in effort... You can't see another person's motivation, and you often can't even see their effort.
My husband and I have found that the best way for us to help each other with health and weight loss is to stay out of each other's way - at least at first. We're coming together a little more, but we do best when the support we offer is rare and always positive. Even being mildly critical tends to backfire. Even when it's taken in the spirit in which it is given, it tends to feel like the other person is micromanaging our efforts, and it becomes tempting to point out some shortcoming we see in the other's progress, which can turn into a ***** session, trading criticism for criticism, unti we get angry and it becomes an argument.
I do think third party intervention can help a lot. It's too bad that you don't want to see a nutritionist (I'd make sure it's a dietitian or a diabetic counselor. In many states, anyone can call themselves a nutritionist, but dietiticans and diabetic counselors have to have a degree and must pass the registrations/certification exam/process).
If you go with the idea that the dietitian is going to give your husband education that you don't need, that's rather condescending, and I'd guess he's going to pick up on that. If you go in with the idea that you both will learn things (and you may learn different things), I think it could be a positive experience for you both.
Another possible option would be joining a group like TOPS. Taking off pounds sensibly. It's a bit like Weight Watchers, in that there's a weekly weigh-in and a group support. It's a lot cheaper that WW, and it's a lot more flexible (members can follow any sensible plan they wish to. Members share information on their individual plans if they wish to. Recipes are sometimes shared).
My husband and I were in a TOPS group together, and we did well. TOPS groups often run contests, and my husband liked winning the biggest loser prize. We even took offices. I became co-leader and hubby became treasurer. A couple of the older women in the group were pulling hubby in opposite directions with criticism on how he was supposed to do his job (both had been treasurer in the past). The leader and the group was happy with his performance, but these two women drove him crazy with their nitpicking. He got really angry and quit the group. I was upset about the situation so I quit too.
Now I've joined a new group, and it has quite a few couples and a single guy. I wish I could persuade hubby to give it a try again, because I think he'd like it better than the other group - but when he heard that the group sings a song before starting the meeting, he wanted no part of it. Too bad, I think he'd do well in the group. I'm still hopeful that he'll give it a try, so every meeting I tell him about the contests and stuff the guys have said to remind him there are quite a few guys in the club, that this club is more laid back than the other one. I'm hoping he'll consider joining at some point, but he's doing fairly well on his own.
I don't know if our experience is of any help to yours, but it might.
What is your husband's education on this topic? It sounds to me like he either has no idea how weight loss or weight gain happens or he just wants to lose weight but not bad enough to make better choices.
Does he realize that ceasar dressing is loaded with calories. Does he realize that fat loss is a simple equation of calories in vs calories out.
I have no idea what he thinks based on your post. Could it be a simple case of ignorance? I thought I was fat because I didn't exercise and that had caused my metabolism to slow down. I really had no idea that I could lose a ton of weight with minimal exercise which is exactly what I did once I found out how simple it was.
Since he is a guy - and probably not into the whole "feelings" thing I'd tell him to read everything on this site and that there would be a quiz after with a nice reward if he gets the right answers. Make the reward something worthwhile ...
Us guys are pretty simple. Just tell us what to do and reward us when we do it.
my dad is having the same issue and every time he messes up or complains about not losing weight or talks about how he used to be a body builder, i tell him that "uh, you could be that again if you actually put effort into it." it took some time to break him down, but i finally got him to count calories and to pay more attention to what he's been eating. he's lost around 15 lbs so far.
You can nag your dad and it works because the relationship between father and daughter means when you nag him he feels guilty. He doesn't want to let you down.
You cannot nag your spouse. Repeat: DO NOT NAG YOUR SPOUSE
Eating healthy....but not really...
But what gets me is that our manager constantly brings in LOADS of food for us to eat. Don't get me wrong, I think it's great that they feed us on the company's buck, but don't bring in the giant multipacks of chips, the two giant tubs of nut, rasins and then the 5 lbs bag of M&M's (we make our own trail mix instead of buying it premade) I could go on and on.
