Give me some real advice before i go nuts! Please!
About a month ago my bf of 12 years decided he was leaving me and our 2 kids to go back to NC. He said he loved me but needed to make himself happy and he left, so we are here in OH and he is NC.
He was having a horrible time after leaving and I talked to him around the clock on the phone, helping him through...even though he left me in a horrible position financially, struggling to keep a roof over our kid's heads, and falling apart emotionally. I talked to him, supported him, was bending over backward to help him feel better (he felt like a horrible daddy for leaving)...then suddenly one day he said he couldn't talk to me anymore because he felt guilty talking to people and doing the "things" he wanted to do.
I knew this meant he had already met someone (barely 3 weeks after leaving), checked his FB page and he had a long flirty talk with some girl that ended by them going to private chat...the day he told me he couldn't talk to me anymore. Mind you, he was the one calling me nonstop up to that day...suddenly he meets someone on FB and I need to go away?
Now, it has been 4 days and he has not spoken to or called me. He usually texts with our 9 year old daughter daily but he hasn't contacted her either, which is very unusual. I know he is with this girl and it is eating me up inside. I want to go lunatic, drive down there, and beat them both up or something. My kids are the only ones keeping me sane right.
The pain of the break up after all those years was already intense but how do you deal with it when the other person moves on so fast? I feel like he used me one final time because he let me put my own problems aside and help him through his hard time (Even though HE CAUSED my hard times), then the moment someone new came along I was dumped all over again.
I have been reading other relationship advice posts and know the "take care of yourself, it will pass" advice...but how do you do that? How do you work through such intense feelings of pain and betrayal? How do you stop thinking about him with someone else?
I wish I could move on as quickly as he does. It's like I meant nothing to him. HE just picks up with the first woman to come along and he even stops calling his kids. I am in serious shock. He was always a good daddy, so I never imagined this happening.
Anyway, any real advice on getting past the anger and hurt? Right now what is eating me apart is him with someone else. I cannot stand it!!!!!
About a month ago my bf of 12 years decided he was leaving me and our 2 kids to go back to NC. He said he loved me but needed to make himself happy and he left, so we are here in OH and he is NC.
He was having a horrible time after leaving and I talked to him around the clock on the phone, helping him through...even though he left me in a horrible position financially, struggling to keep a roof over our kid's heads, and falling apart emotionally. I talked to him, supported him, was bending over backward to help him feel better (he felt like a horrible daddy for leaving)...then suddenly one day he said he couldn't talk to me anymore because he felt guilty talking to people and doing the "things" he wanted to do.
I knew this meant he had already met someone (barely 3 weeks after leaving), checked his FB page and he had a long flirty talk with some girl that ended by them going to private chat...the day he told me he couldn't talk to me anymore. Mind you, he was the one calling me nonstop up to that day...suddenly he meets someone on FB and I need to go away?
Now, it has been 4 days and he has not spoken to or called me. He usually texts with our 9 year old daughter daily but he hasn't contacted her either, which is very unusual. I know he is with this girl and it is eating me up inside. I want to go lunatic, drive down there, and beat them both up or something. My kids are the only ones keeping me sane right.
The pain of the break up after all those years was already intense but how do you deal with it when the other person moves on so fast? I feel like he used me one final time because he let me put my own problems aside and help him through his hard time (Even though HE CAUSED my hard times), then the moment someone new came along I was dumped all over again.
I have been reading other relationship advice posts and know the "take care of yourself, it will pass" advice...but how do you do that? How do you work through such intense feelings of pain and betrayal? How do you stop thinking about him with someone else?
I wish I could move on as quickly as he does. It's like I meant nothing to him. HE just picks up with the first woman to come along and he even stops calling his kids. I am in serious shock. He was always a good daddy, so I never imagined this happening.
Anyway, any real advice on getting past the anger and hurt? Right now what is eating me apart is him with someone else. I cannot stand it!!!!!
He is a stunningly horrible person. Do not support him emotionally or physically. Is he on your children's birth certificates? Find a law clinic and ask them to help you get child support underway. At this point, he has betrayed you (past tense) and there is nothing you can do about that, except get tested for STDs, because I doubt this is new behavior. But he is betraying (present tense!) your children. They deserve to have a stable roof over their heads, grocery money, money for shoes and backpacks. You cannot control if he will call them or do the things he should (gosh, your poor kids!) but you can make sure they do not go hungry or suffer financial instability.
Seriously, you are better off. I know you are hurting right now, but what would you tell your sister or best friend? You deserve better. Your kids deserve support.
I don't have great relationship advice, but all I can say...make sure you children are and stay your priority. They will be able to feed off your emotions and since they don't have their dad they NEED you.
Thanks for the help Midwife! I am stable financially, but the way he left was sudden and he told me he would allow one more of his paychecks to go into our bank account to help me with the rent which was due in 4 days at that point...then he told me the day it was due that he wasn't getting a paycheck that week, had already switched all the other checks to go to his NC account...which I did not even know he still has open, we moved from NC to OHio a year ago and he never closed his personal account there.
Also, we had just traded in our van on a car and he had insisted on putting this car in his name only (I shoulda seen it coming,right?) then the next week he left. So, I had to go out and get a car in my name or we would have been stranded, so I had to pay a down payment because I had NO credit because everything had been in his name for 12 years, so I literally had no credit score.
anyway,so the combo of him leaving right when our rent was due without warning and trying to get us a reliable car ASAP, put me in a horrible spot financially. I ended up borrowing $$ from my mom and sister so we kept our house and got my car. Through all of that crazy drama, i was helping him because he felt bad...how stupid am I?
My daughter also had just got accepted onto a competitive tumbling and trampoline team and it is expensive, but he told me to let her do it KNOWING HE WAS GOING TO LEAVE!!!! he said when he left he was going to pay all of her expenses for that...guess what? It's been a month and he has not given me a single dime.
anyway, I am stable again now financially but I'm not sure about emotionally..I am so angry I can barely contain myself!!!!!!! There was intense pain, but now I am just really mad and feel betrayed and used.
Regardless of how stable you are financially, if he is their father, then he has responsibilities to those children - that continue through their college years. Don't think because you're okay financially NOW that will be the case in four months or a year when job issues might arise. And when you're in a bind, that's not the point to start that action - you need to have it started right away.
Moving on emotionally will be one of the hardest things you have to do. But like weight loss, it's a one day, sometimes one hour or one 10-minute period at a time. You need to plan things to do to keep yourself busy - even if it's meeting a friend for a talk over a coffee or taking the kids out for fun in a park ... then one day you think, Hey, it's already noon and I didn't think of him once...
But don't ponder the "whys" - you'll never know other than that he made exceedingly poor choices - if we all got to live our lives only wanting to do what WE wanted after we started families, what would happen? We have responsibilities and those guide us through our lives into making what we believe are smart, responsible decisions.
It doesn't matter that he's "picked up with the first woman that came along" ... you cannot change his behavior. Doubtful that he's to the point of any close relationships - he's just using these women, too ... So he's not really "moved on" so quickly. But don't let those thoughts keep a window open for him in your mind - his behavior is not what is best for your children.
Truth is he’s probably been talking to her long before you even knew and left you for her to begin with. You were his doormat when he needed something and knew you wouldn’t brush him away because you still cared. So he used you for the weeks he was having a horrible time and then dropped you because things got better. (nice eh? It happens sorry for being harsh…)
Sure he WAS a good father, now he’s just a douche like the rest of the men in the world that drop their kids. Simple as that you are going to be angry and hurt for a while, how can you get past it? Is to accept and accept the fact he left you and just carry on. You even have to accept the fact he’s with another woman and as much as it hurts and makes you want to vomit or whatever (at least I’d want to vomit after hearing that…). He’s selfish and clearly doesn’t care about anyone but himself. It’s not easy I can’t tell you how to move on quickly because 12 years is a long time…not to mention you have two kids, but eventually you’ll get the strength and courage to do so.
Maybe sit down and have a chat with your kids especially you’re 9 year old and figure out what she’s feeling maybe I’m sure she’s just as hurt because her father up and left her as well. Maybe have her write a letter to him, maybe he needs to realize the pain he’s not just causing you but he’s causing his children as well. I think maybe this might help you is to also write a letter to him about everything you’re feeling let it all out! Do not keep it bottled up. Once you let him know the full extent of the pain he caused you and your children you might be able to move on a lot easier. This isn’t an attempt to get him back either this is an attempt to allow yourself to heal. Then after that taking one step at a time may become easier.
Cut all ties with him on your part, remove him from you’re facebook if he wants to talk to you, he can do it through email and or phone. You don’t need to see the silly petty crap he’s doing in public on a social network. That’s just going to cause you more hurt an anger. Of course everything is easier said than done but sometimes doing the hard choices is what makes us stronger! Good luck.
He's betrayed you on several levels. Emotional, financial, etc.
Take it one thing at a time. I'm glad you are on your feet financially.
You may just want him out of your lives entirely. I don't know the rest of your story. Or you may consider co-parenting and dealing with the child support and still communicating with this man so the children keep a relationship with him once you feel calmer. That's hard to tell right now since it is so fresh and only you know all the personal details.
But get the kids protected, and see a lawyer to deal with the birth certificates, child support, however it is that it is going to play out. Did your relationship count as common law marriage? Get some objective advice.
He's just up and left all of you in the lurch -- that does not sound responsible at all and I'd be scared I'd be leaving the kids open to more hurt if he lingered on the edges of their lives. But again -- talk to a lawyer about that end of things.
If you stay in touch for the kids, you might want to do it through lawyers. He certainly doesn't need to be on your facebook. Or be close or intimate any more. Drop him on facebook NOW. You might also change your email, your phone, whatever after you talk to the lawyer. If he wants to reach you, he can write, and you can choose to deal with it or not. But he can't just call you and have you pick up the phone and zing you again. He can't have you dancing to his tune when he wants. You are not at his beck and call.
Re-establish healthy boundaries.
You may also consider counseling to help you sort all these feelings and see what boundaries are needed.
As for him being with someone else so soon -- try to let it go. I know you probably feel like "Wow! That was fast! What does that say about me?" Be what you have to be -- angry, upset, hurt, whatever. But STOP talking to him and reach out to others -- your mom and sister perhaps.
And remember it says NOTHING about you. It says about HIM. You didn't leave him in the lurch with all the kids and jump on to the next victim. Who knows what song and dance he's telling her -- I can only hope she has her eyes wide open.
I am very sorry you're going through this. I hate when people say he did you a favor, but I'm afraid it's true. What a user!!
I agree with the other posters, GET child support. It doesn't matter if you can or cannot be financially independent, it is his responsibility as a father to help take care of his kids.
And as for your guy, I would bet money he will eventually start calling because he's "down". He seems like someone who will make a rash decision and then regret it, expecting you to always be there to pick him up again. I wouldn't. If it was me, I'd let him fester in his own poor choices.
im so sorry you're going thru this, i agree with the other posters, get your child support sorted. dont feel bad for him anymore, he made his choice now he has to deal with the consequences, child support being one of them.
as for the relationship itself, i have no idea how hurt you must be. 12 years and 2 kids, wow, just wow. keep in mind that you are a great mum to 2 gorgeous children, and the love they give you is a million times more than any love your ex gave you. chances are him and his new girl wont last long, hes already shown himself to be a selfish you-know. i really wish i ahd some advice to give you, but just know that we are all thinking of you xx
okay so he just called me out of the blue, telling me all his symptoms because he is sick and thinks he is going to die LOL I was shocked for a moment, i automatically wanted to take care of him but I know that is no longer my job, so I told him to let his gf take care of him that I can't do it anymore..then he said "well, just wanted u to know that if something happens to me I want to be cremated. Not that I would do anything to myself, but i really think i am going to die"
he is at his mamas house!!!! I told him to go talk to his mama and hung up.
Now I am sitting her feeling guilty, worried, then the anger comes back and I dont know what to think or feel.
I may just go workout for awhile...that will be a nice tension reliever maybe?
LOL I'm sorry Purple...really he is RIDICULOUS! I would have told him I hope he does die. Then hang up...but that's me and I would have laughed about it and continued on with my day, because as petty and immature that would have been it would have made my day. He's just using you...you have to see that, and he knows you'll stick it out with him so he keeps coming back to you. It's a cycle...a huge cycle of pain that's for sure.
nope, he did not ask about the kids,but he knows they are in school too. It was all "i think i'm gonna die, i feel so miserable, what should I do?" then I cut him off pretty much because I know it is no longer my job to baby him because he's sick...come on!
When I told him to go let his gf take care of him he said "she's not my gf, but i may call her because she is a nurse" real matter-of-fact like it was just a thought, so that is why I decided to just tell him to go to his mama and hung up.
We haven't talked in days because he just told me to stop talking to him LOL this kind of has made me feel better though. Just being able to hang up on him and know he is miserable helped...MiZ u are right, it is gratifying though petty.
he is supposedly coming up for our daughter's first tumbling competition next weekend, so we'll see if he shows for that. he said he has to see if he can borrow some gas money, which made me laugh the other day. He has gone from a stable, loving father with a family to bumming gas money and living with his grandma, sneaking out at night to see the new girl someone told me last night. Pathetic!
Seriously, thank all of u guys for responding here. Looking at him through your eyes has helped me see that maybe I just spent way too many years with the wrong man. But I have to say, he was always a very stable, family oriented guy. This has come out of the blue and he seems like a different person now.
It is extremely important that he be held legally responsible for the chidren's support. They should be on his health insurance also. You may be OK financially right now but you do not know what will happen in the future, Go to lawyer NOW .
on the legal front...u guys are very right, I need to get to a lawyer or something and get things started. I was trying to do it civilly by working out a visitation schedule and such so we could maybe just get it all done with one lawyer and not fight anything out in court, but whenever I would bring it up he said "I can't focus on that now, I can't think about that" meanwhile the kids are asking when they get to go visit daddy. I will NOT let them go to NC with him until there is a clear custody agreement and visitation schedule so I know he has to send them back, but he seems completely unconcerned and I am starting to think maybe he really doesn't even want to visit with them? It's just hard to believe because he has always been a good dad.
Oh, and he keeps saying soon as he starts working he will send me $$, but I know that is not good enough. He tried to tell me at the time he left that he will cover all their extra curricular expenses and half of my food bill, but he doesn't think is responsible for anything else because he is not going to be "keeping me up" he's a jerk.
Anyway, I will find out where I can go and get it all started. You guys have made me see that I need to do it fast, stop trying to get him to work it out with me. I have to accept that he doesn't care about that stuff.
Last edited by Purplefirefly; 03-03-2011 at 10:33 AM.
Give me some real advice before i go nuts! Please!
