I love my boyfriend. He loves me. We love each other... It's lovely. But... We are both overweight. He is horribly lazy about losing weight too. It worries me not only because of where he carries his weight but also because of what he eats and how he takes care of himself. I want him to get up early (as of December he's unemployed) and go for a walk with me. We are planning on getting married in 2014, and I want to share the weight loss journey with him, as well as my life long and healthy I hope!).
So... how do I get him to come with me, to make an effort to lose weight and be healthy? I love him so much but it frustrates me when he makes it openly known to me that he wants me to lose weight, and I do the same about him, and then I'm busting my bum and he's sleeping all day.
I want him to get up early
I want to share the weight loss journey with him,
So how do I get him to come with me, to make an effort to lose weight and be healthy?
So what is the theme of these statements you are making...I, I, I.
I don't want this to seem mean but what you want doesn't matter.
It has to be about what he wants cuz really he has to be the one who makes the effert and do the work for him to lose weight.
The only thing you can do is lose weight for yourself and hopfully when he sees this he will want to join the bandwagon and lose himself.
Your best bet is to lead by example. Being "food cop" or "exercise cop" for your partner doesn't help and might even hurt--not the relationship, necessarily, but the weight loss attempt. I know my husband has a very "Oh, yeah? Well, I'll show YOU" attitude whenever I try to micro-manage him too much.
I don't think you're being at all selfish in wanting this for him, but unfortunately it truly is something that we must want for ourselves. You can help him by asking if he wants to join you for a walk when you go (if that means changing your walk time to accommodate his schedule, that would be a nice gesture, but don't sweat it if you can't), by cooking and serving nutritious food for the two of you, and by noticing/praising his attempts to improve his health.
If you and he share a household and if you do the shopping, make sure that junky stuff doesn't get through the front door. If he wants it, he'll have to make an effort to go get it; chances are extremely good he'll decide he'd rather just eat an apple and a cheese stick than drive places.
"Sharing the journey" is nice in theory, and it's great to have someone who'll support you and for whom you can cheer, but for the majority of couples, weight loss is a solitary pursuit. I look at my husband's and my weight loss as walking separate, but neighboring paths; sometimes we aren't heading in the direction the other thinks is "right"--he's hardly changed his diet and exercises like a fiend while I've changed my diet greatly while exercising only half an hour a day--but we're generally within hailing distance of one another.
I predict he'll follow your lead as you continue to lose.
You need to back off and leave your boyfriend to find his own way to weight loss. You are not his mother or the food police. The world doesn't revolve around what we want since each of us is an individual who must coexist with others. The more you nag, the less inclined he will be to lose weight. It becomes a question of wills at that point. Step back and set a good example but don't preach.
"Sleeping all day" is a red flag to me. It screams "depression" especially since you said he's unemployed. Just saying. My ex-husband slept all day our entire marriage.
You need to back off and leave your boyfriend to find his own way to weight loss.
Yes, this is true..... BUT.... he also needs to get off your case too. So next time he makes it openly clear he wants you to lose weight tell him he is not allowed to judge you until he starts putting in an effot to make himself healthy. (And I used the word "judge" for a lack of a better word but you know what I mean! )
I commend you for taking care of YOU. And I do understand your frustration. I agree that when he sees how well you are doing, he will follow. Misery loves company so if you are no longer sitting next to him eating fast food, he may get lonely and join you. My fingers are crossed that he does. He's very lucky to have someone like you that cares and loves him very much. Just let him know how important it is to you that he sticks around for a VERY long time! :-)
I agree, he has to want to lose weight on his own. The most you can do is to focus on your own weight loss journey and to stop buying junk food when you do the grocery shopping. I'd be a little more worried about his sleeping all day, though.
I'd be a little more worried about his sleeping all day, though.
Yeah, me too. How's he looking for another job if he's asleep? The weight loss, yes, he has to find his own motivation, and do it when he's ready. But the working as a partnership to get the bills paid and keep the household running is NOT something that would be optional on his part for me.
I get that it's hard to find a decent job these days, and I also think it sounds a lot like he's got some depression going. But IMHO you can't let that go on. I would have a serious talk about getting a plan together for the future or I would think some resentment would start to set in pretty quickly.
I agree with Nola, lead by example and include him in all you can.
If you cook, cook healthy meals, if you do the shopping only buy healthy food, if it's hard for him buy one or two of his favorites. But encouraging is the best way to go
Get him up in the morning and exercise together- and that way he'll be up and about to get other things taken care of during the day
I agree about sleeping all day and depression. When I lost my job I was severly depressed after like 6 months because I'd been looking all over and hadn't found anything.
Losing weight is an individual experience and it can only be done when the person really wants it (for themselves). My husband is overweight but only by 25 pounds... me on the other hand.... In the past he has done things for himself and lost some weight but I didn't include myself in his activities and he never complained. Now it's my turn, and I don't bug him because I know how hard it is and you really do have to want it.
Last edited by Dusti; 02-28-2011 at 02:56 PM.
Reason: word usage
I know for me- no amount of being told would help me do what I needed to do. You can't do this until you are ready.
If you are ready then you should make a plan for yourself. Let your boyfriend know what you are doing and that you would love for him to join you. If he doesn't want to join you he should at least support you. Do this for yourself. He'll either join or he won't... but you can't let him be a deciding factor in you starting a weightloss journey.
Agreed about the sleeping all day possibly being related to stress or depression issues. When I am worried about something or a situation is completely beyond my control, even if I don't sleep a lot, I find myself with absolutely zero energy or desire whatsoever to do anything except lay on the couch all day or doze/sleep, but still feel tired in spite of it. Was he normally that way, even when he was working, or is that just the way it is now?
I think 3FC embodies the fact that the desire to lose weight has to come from within. There are folks here who lose 100's of pounds without ever veering off the straight and narrow, and others - like me! - who lurk for months until something clicks and then decide to do something. My DH could have talked until he was blue in the face prior to that moment and I wouldn't have been able to make a sustainable change to save my life.
You can always propose fun activities to him without necessarily spinning it as "Hey, you need to lose weight". How about going to the park and playing Frisbee or bocce? Or comment on the weather being nice after dinner and ask him to go for a walk then, rather than first thing in the morning as a pointed 'weight loss' type of activity. Plus there is the added bonus of spending time with him in a fun way, which will probably go miles to improve his mindset at this point in time.
I wish you the best - and good luck on YOUR journey!
Thank you all for your input! My man is not depressed, it's usually just that he tends to be awake all night being distracted by T.V. and video games. But I will do things towards changing for me and inviting him along. I know that he wont change until he decides to but I'm trying to learn how to help it along without nagging him. I'm not trying to be food police, or anything like that, its just that we've made plans together to lose weight for our health and our future, and I'm the only one who is doing ANYTHING proactive towards those goals.
It's very frustrating. But thank you all for your input!
Well if you guys have made plans together and he's currently being a lazy butt about it don't worry! He'll come around once you start eating healthy, exercising, and losing weight. Just lead by example
my guy's a night owl too. when he works out it's at night. usually weights.
when he's showed some interest, you could do a challenge. like see which one can do more push ups, hold a plank longer, etc. since you're starting now, you'll have a head start. but guys put on muscle easily. or if i was competing against my guy, i'd have to beat my own records. the only thing i'd have a prayer beating him in is running long distance.
How To Motivate your People
My ex-husband slept all day our entire marriage.
