I need some support from you ladies, I don't have any friends I can talk to atm.
I have been dating someone for 4 years and some has been rocky. I have about three years of good memories and 1 year of bad lol. We have "broken up" about 7 times in the four years, usually lasting about a day lol but one lasted three months
About a month ago things came to a head over me being too stressed out not being able to afford driving him to school (college) four days a week (we live about 40 min apart) and him being stressed about school.
We had a good three weeks goin including a great Valentines day til a fight Thursday. I'm crying all the time trying to figure out how to be what he wants. We are still talking, texting, but its not good he won't say he loves me or that we're together anymore, but he also says he just wants space to figure things out. I feel like he's had a month to figure things out, things were fine for three weeks and he's pissed about one argument.
I just love him and want to be hugged and held and loved and hang out with him.
We lived together the 1st year, then lived apart dating normally for about 1 year, then about last two years we spent nearly 24-7 together to the exclusion of any other friends leading to me having no friends and him just meeting 1 new friend at school and his brother lives with him.
So I have no friends because I devoted four years to the love of my life who idk whats going on with because he won't tell me.
well, there are three sides to every story. Your side, his side and the truth. I wish I had the magic answer for you, but, unfortunately, I don't. I wish the best for your relationship. Maybe these are the growing pains your relationship has to go through? I don't know. Can you guys get some kind of mediator? Someone who is neutral, who you both respect, who can talk with you both?
But you aren't supposed to be what he wants. You are supposed to just be YOU.
And of course if there are conflicts, you try to work things out. But you are still being YOU. You aren't being something that isn't you just to make him happy or sweep things under the rug or avoid having conflicts.
Conflicts aren't a bad thing -- they are simply two things trying to take up the same space at the same time. They are an opportunity to grow too -- to learn how to work things out, communicate better, compromise, etc.
But regardless of how this turns out, I hope you realize -- "Hey! I'm spending all my time here with him! I need to also make friends and build a support systems apart from him. Because hanging my whole life on one person, even if I love them, is not healthy."
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About a month ago things came to a head over me being too stressed out not being able to afford driving him to school (college) four days a week (we live about 40 min apart) and him being stressed about school.
This is a red flag to me. You live 40 min apart, yet you drive him to school 4 days a week every week? And he lives with his brother? Why isn't BROTHER helping him out? Or his parents since he's a college student person?
He obviously doesn't pay you for your trouble if you are stressed about your finances and not being able to afford to keep doing this. (Why ARE you doing this?)
You need to maintain healthy boundaries for the level you are at.
It is BF/GF level right now. Sure you can give him a lift if his car's in the shop, or drive him one day to test drive new cars or bicycles some weekend. Or drive him to the bus station to get all the schedules and bus info and help him map his routes. Because you are the GF and sometimes these things happen and BF/GF people try to help each other out. This is once in a while type stuff though.
This is not 4x a week every week! That's getting really fresh!
You do not live together in a committed partnership and you are not married. And if you guys were not dating at all, he'd have to figure out his own transport wouldn't he? So why hadn't he sorted this all out on his own way before now? Why is he imposing on you like this? That doesn't seem respectful. You are not obligated to pick up the bulk of his school transportation tab.
He fights with you and he doesn't say he loves you... Hon, I'd worry he's using you and he's "mad" or "stressed" just because you have started to speak up about not being happy or able to afford to let him keep on mooching off you.
I'm sorry if that sounds mean. But don't let your love for him cloud your thinking.
Make sure you are taking care of yourself and have your own best interest at heart. Don't worry so much about what he wants/needs/etc... what do you want and need in your life? I am worried that your life revolves around him.
If you really want to make it work, maybe couple's counseling would be good. That way, this person can also point out to both of you if the relationship is dysfunctional or not. But, to be honest, I feel that it is dysfunctional even based on the little info I have.
I'm also concerned you're getting used somehow. I wonder if you have some inner doubts on whether you're being treated fairly by him. I used to date a guy who ignored me and I felt used. I don't want to see this happen to another woman. If he ignores you or won't be clear on where you stand, you should think long and hard about what you want as an individual as well as what you want in a relationship. A good relationship is equitable, with give and take, and clear communication. I am not sure if he is respecting you right now.
I get the feeling he's brushing you off. Plus, he's not specifying whether or not you're over, which gives me another warning sign that he's stringing you along and may be dating around without telling you.
Really keep in mind what is best for you. Do some things you like. Try to reconnect with old friends or make some new ones. Don't sacrifice your entire life and well-being for someone who is not even being clear about what he wants.
What everyone else said, x1000: I wish you the best, but it sounds like the best may be get out of this relationship.
I would never put up with a guy who would expect me to drive him 40 minutes to his college from someone else's house. That's just absurd. It's the level of servitude that he could only expect from a spouse under conditions of absolute need -- like there is only one car and you two have to share, etc -- never from a girlfriend who he used to live with and now doesn't.
Definitely be aware that he may be dating someone else. If he won't even say he loves you and "needs space," the best way to win him back on your terms so he knows you are worth it is to give him that space and become really self-confident and happy on your own.
My personal belief is that you shouldn't call someone you haven't married the "love of your life" -- you don't know for sure if he will be, yet. And maybe you're being far, far too nice to him for this to be a healthy relationship: you should have other friends and other interests, and you should be spending those 80 minutes of your day on yourself. You may think your devotion and self-sacrifice make you a good person and good girlfriend, but there are people who will just use you as a doormat and call it "clinginess." It's counterintuitive, but you can be more attractive to your boyfriend by not being available.
But I don't necessarily think you should even try for that. I think you can do much better.
"This is a red flag to me. You live 40 min apart, yet you drive him to school 4 days a week every week? And he lives with his brother? Why isn't BROTHER helping him out? Or his parents since he's a college student person?"
I live in the same town as the college he goes to. His brother just turned 18 and their mom (only parent) has more minor children and can barely afford gas for her own car. He's been without a car for about two years since his was totalled in an accident, can't afford insurance or a car on financial aid and his part time job. Bus stop is 7 miles from his home, I wouldn't be able to walk that far every day.
"He obviously doesn't pay you for your trouble if you are stressed about your finances and not being able to afford to keep doing this. (Why ARE you doing this?)"
He paid what i calculated using online mileage calculators for the first semester and then second semester (what hes in now) I started keeping track of the actual cash into the tank and he refused to pay stating I was lying it wasnt that much gas and he could get a cheaper ride. After that he has started getting rides from a schoolmate, but hes not paying him enough either so that's got an expiration date I can see coming.
"You need to maintain healthy boundaries for the level you are at."
I totally agree, but we have had totally inappropriate or unknown boundaries for 4 years, so its hard for both of us to get that concept.
"Why is he imposing on you like this? That doesn't seem respectful. You are not obligated to pick up the bulk of his school transportation tab."
I agree, but i have been his willing transportation and 24-7 companion for two years with no complaint and no taking advantage of me, and it was my idea for him to go to school and I said I would drive him so he tells me. Every step I am taking to separate our lives and normalize them to a couple who works and goes to school and sees each other a few times a week has been taken by him as why are you doing this to me why are you so selfish.
Basically it has been an unhealthy/abnormal relationship for about two years and I am trying to segway into a normal healthy relationship which has been easier for him than me, although it was my idea to take space and figure things out. I have been using the last month to reflect on what I want all through my life, different decisions, etc and I feel like he's just been goofing off with his friends going to school and doing homework instead of doing any thinking about us which I understand more now that I type it out, but I feel like I'm waiting to hear a yes or no and if it's no I just want it now now now.
He's six years younger than I am and I want marriage and children before I'm 35 so I feel like I've waited for him way too long of that time lol. I have no problem waiting if he loves me and wants that for us but I want to know before I wait lol.
He doesn't sound like a mature person. I'm sorry you're going through this rough patch, but I think it's best that you start living your life away from him. His transportation and his schooling is his own responsibility; it's not yours. Besides, you're not married and you're not even committed to each other. It would really be better if you start thinking of yourself for a change and just leave him in the dust. You are not being selfish if you do this; you are just taking care of your own needs first.
I feel like he's just been goofing off with his friends going to school and doing homework instead of doing any thinking about us which I understand more now that I type it out, but I feel like I'm waiting to hear a yes or no and if it's no I just want it now now now.
He's six years younger than I am and I want marriage and children before I'm 35 so I feel like I've waited for him way too long of that time lol. I have no problem waiting if he loves me and wants that for us but I want to know before I wait lol.
The answers you've been waiting for - he HAS been telling you loudly with his actions, you're just not listening. You want the answer to be different than it is, so you've convinced yourself he just hasn't told you yet, but all of his actions are speaking very loud and clear
You are not a priority to him. If he loved you in a mature way, you would already know it. You wouldn't have to change yourself to be what he wanted, and you wouldn't be questioning his feelings, you'd know them. That you're even trying to be what he wants you to be is proof that he doesn't love you (not in the way you want and deserve). You know it too, or you wouldn't be trying to reinvent yourself as someone he would be willing to change for.
He isn't going to change. If you don't love the he, he is now then you don't love him. And if he doesn't love the you, you are now, then he doesn't love you.
That doesn't mean you both don't have love feelings for each other, but a healthy relationship isn't built on loving feelings that aren't supported by actions, shared moral values, shared interests and friends, and mutural respect (which doesn't involve rehauling each other or yourselves to fit into some mold of what the other wants/needs).
Listen to what his actions are telling you. This isn't the relationship for you, at least not right now.
And "waiting" for the time to be right isn't going to help. Even if you do end up being right for each other at some future point, I suspect it will be after both of you have moved on, and even probably have dated other people.
If marriage and a family are very important to you, I think you need to focus your energies on finding someone with the same goals, and he's shouting loud and clear through his actions, that he is not that person.
There are certainly "selfish" women in the world, and a lot of us can be selfish, narcissistic, and demanding in various relationships -- but for many women on 3FC, either our former disordered eating or our current desire to slim down (or both) are tied to low self-esteem about our value as people and particularly as attractive, desirable women. If I'm describing you -- if you feel lucky to have found your boyfriend because you don't think you're worth the attention of a functional, mature, self-reliant man with his own job and car and life -- realize that you are not one of those selfish women, you're closer to the opposite.
I tend to be selfish and impatient and also very self-reliant; I'm only rarely in romantic relationships but happy single, and have many close relationships with friends. I'm aware that selfishness and unsupportiveness is what I have to work against and that any man who tells me I'm being clingy is out of his mind. It sounds like you are the opposite, which is also fine: you're pretty effin supportive and a bit closer to clingy doormat, and your boyfriend calling you selfish is out of his mind.
You know this relationship is unhealthy. Been rocky for 4 years.
He says YOU are being selfish for wanting a healthier relationship where he has to tote his fair share of the load.
You know he's mostly goofin' around.
And...
You know you want something more mature, heading toward marriage and children.
How's the first 3 supporting the last? They do not. Clear message he's not the one. Your goals do not match up.
And you are still waiting for HIM to tell you where the relationship is going? Why would he? Hon, if he's happy to mooch off you now, he's going to keep stringing you along and keep on mooching for as long as you let him! Or until he finds a better mooch that gets him more.
This one is where YOU have to tell HIM that this isn't working and it isn't for you. He isn't changing in 4 years and he isn't likely too in the next 4.
I think you've given this more than a fair shake to see if it would be a runner... and it isn't a runner. You don't need him to hold up a big poster that says "It isn't a runner!" to know this. You probably do know this. You are just working through knowing it and accepting it.
I know you feel sad now, as you reflect and digest all this.
But when you are done processing and get to the place where you know it, accept it, and are ready to move on... don't be shy about moving on! Your wanting to segway to a normal, healthier relationship likely means... not with him.
Moving on gives you hope and a chance at something better and brighter! Then you wouldn't have a mooching BF and you could spend some time making friends and dating anew.
You have been in a relationship for 4 years with someone. Sorry to say your feelings are not going to go away overnight, if at all. What you need is time and space. You need time to figure out what you want in a relationship, how you want to be treated. Walk away for now. Work on yourself and be happy by yourself for a while.
Based on what you've said, I agree with many others that this does not seem to be an appropriate relationship for you at this time.
I think moving on will be the best thing for you even though breaking up after four years is very difficult. I've been there and understand; I dated a guy for five years and we eventually broke up. I still think he's a good person we just weren't good for each other. Unfortunately, I was so upset I jumped into another relationship too quickly and he was definitely NOT a good person.
So, just focus on you. What makes you happy, what will help you reach your goals in life? And please, don't make the mistake of setting an age you should be married or have kids by, I always fear that will cause you to hang on to relationships that aren't good for you due to some arbitrary time frame.
Call him and dump him. Make room for the right guy to come into your life. Its hard to let go when you have a past and a lot of feelings and emotions involved, but your worthy of having a man in your life that will make you a priority and not an option.
I was once in a relationship that felt like a roller coaster.. extreme highs and horrible lows. Im not saying yours is the same, but it sounds like there are some similarities. When we finally broke up for good, it was a strange feeling. At first I felt all alone, because I had isolated myself from everyone but him. But I also felt this crazy feeling of freedom! I felt like I had been released from prison. Instead of constantly wearing myself out to please someone else, or pushing myself to be the person I thought he wanted me to be. I suddenly had the freedom, to be me! It was very liberating. Soo if you decide to take the path to single. It can be extremely hard but also comes with this feeling that you can breath again. And I know you said you have lost friendships and family relationships due to being w/ him. BUT you will be suprised to find that people haven't forgotten you, if anything they have missed you.
So Sad and Lonely
