I've gotten some messages in the past few months about how my story and success is inspirational to some members on here. And that makes my day like nothing else could. BUT, at the same time, I feel like a hypocrite and shameful because I am NOT the model weight loss poster child that I might seem to be on here.
I think the stress from some of the huge life changes in recent months are finally catching up with me, and I feel like I'm barely hanging on. My guy coming back from a year in Iraq (suddenly I was cooking for two and had junk food all over the house), graduating college, getting married three days later, moving to a new state two weeks after that. And now I'm in a new state, don't have a job (I've been looking, but so many employers are hesitant about hiring Army wives. I'll only be here for 6 months) or a routine, I don't know anybody. We hang out with my husband's friends, but that is just an endless food fest.
I don't feel like I'm having a breakdown, I don't feel depressed, I actually feel well-adjusted and content for the most part. It seems like the only thing all that stress is affecting is my eating. I used to have a routine and staying on plan was ridiculously easy for me. I just went day to day following my routine, eating planned meals, and I'd have my planned treats and get right back on plan. Well now I feel like I'm desperately fighting to stay on any kind of plan at all. I keep sabotaging my good days. I had a good week last week and blew it with a huuuuuge legendary binge on Friday. I just don't understand where all my self control went. I used to be able to happily decline junk food or ignore it. I used to not even feel temptation to need to resist it.
I weighed myself yesterday and I was 132.4. That's a good step out of my maintenance range. Three weeks ago, I was hovering around 125-127. I had been around 125-127 for months, even with daily fluctuations, for about 6 months. I had a mini breakdown to hubs and, of course, in the moment I couldn't get my thoughts out properly, so it spewed out as "I'm so fat right now!" Now from his perspective, he sees his wife, who is still skinny, throwing a temper tantrum about being a few pounds up on the scale. So I opened it alllllll up to him. I told him about how I am an expert about sneaking food and how he doesn't even know how much food I've been eating. Sneaking trips to the kitchen, buying candy at gas stations and hiding wrappers, etc. He had no idea. How I am, or at least feel like, a pathetic addict. How I'm ashamed and disgusted with myself. How I felt physically sick because I had eaten so much the day before. How I'm not just a vain girl moaning about the scale. I explained to him that the number on the scale is a physical measurement of the damage I've been doing to my body in the last few weeks. I don't care that I'm 132.4lbs, I realize I'm still thin and all that...I'm heartbroken that in the last three weeks or so, I've lost my control and eaten back nearly 10lbs. I think he was kind of blown away by the realization of how deep this problem runs for me. I didn't mean to make a shock and awe production over it, but I needed him to realize the context when I talk about my weight. And when I say I need his support, I damn well mean it.
Anyways, sorry this is long. I am desperate to find a normal healthy balanced eating plan again. I've fallen out of the rhythm, and I'm having a hard time getting back into it. I refuse...REFUSE...to gain it all back. One way or another I'll figure this out. I just need some support from those of you who know what it's like.
Megan--
I'm one of those posters who considers you inspirational--- but inspirational certainly does not carry with it any expectation of perfection!
Before I gained the larger amount of weight that is denoted on my ticker, I weighed between 127 and 130 lbs for many, many years. Throughout college, grad school and into the first couple years of my career.
During that time, I was living this cycle you describe above. Hiding food at times, eating uncontrollably when I felt alone, or uncertain (I also moved, graduated, left family, ended and started major relationships, etc) or frustrated. I was lucky to be able to maintain my weight because I had time to run...alot...and go to the gym...alot...but without that I would have been in big trouble.
And beyond that, I was FAR from happy. In fact, though I was "thin" at the time, and have worked my way back to closer to where I was.... at times I was panicked and miserable and obsessed.
I know you can find strength, and since this has only been a few weeks of turmoil, that this won't fall into a pattern. I know you haven't asked for advice, but if I may indulge for a moment:
I used to feel panicked and cry to my then-boyfriend that I had gained 2 lbs...which he found ridiculous, but didn't see that my true panic was about the behavior that had gotten me there. Freaking out about ONE meal out at a restaurant, losing control and eating way too much fast food, etc...all those things were hidden from him.
What finally broke me out of the cycle was remembering that food is a gift, and should be enjoyed. I went to a thrift store and found 2 place settings of antique "fancy" china. 2 delicate plates, 2 smaller dessert plates, two small tea cups. Also, 2 fancy silver forks, knives spoons. I vowed to ONLY eat my meals on these plates, as a reminder that food should be mindfully consumed.
I know this sounds ridiculous and I don't do it any more, but it broke me out of the cycle at the time, and forced me to think: "am I really going to go to the gas station, buy a nuttybar, and put it on my fancy china and sit down and eat it?" Most of the time, the answer was, "no."
This time around on my weight loss journey, I've taken this approach in some ways, though, and the entire experience has been more balanced.
I cook a LOT more, and basically follow the motto "eat your own food, or truly fabulous food" --- thus, no more trips to subway for a quick bite, or Outback. It's either something I cook, or a truly remarkable celebration meal, in which I am tasting something so magnificent that it's an experience to treasure beyond the food itself. For me, this has removed the anxiety that "what snack will I get on the road trip" or "what can I buy on the way home" when I'm hungry used to cause.
Sorry this was so long, but our stories are SO similar. I'm a few years older than you, but also recently got married and can relate to the many changes this, too, entails.
mkendrick -- I can relate to this on so many levels. I also struggle with binge eating on occasion, and I have experienced many streaks like the one that you are currently recovering from. But, because I am on the thin side, like you, others don't see or understand the damage. But the emotional pain from binging runs so deep.
Because of that I have committed to recovering from it once and for all. I have gone 15 days without a binge, which is by no means impressive to the average person, but my pattern is to binge once or twice every two weeks, and this is the first time in a long time that I have broken that pattern. I had a turning point a few Fridays ago, and I sat down and wrote a "vow to myself" that listed all the reasons why binging hurts me and why I never want to do it again. I read it every morning on my way to the gym, and it seems to be helping.
And I have to tell you how much I admire you for having an open conversation with your husband about this. I got married recently too, so I understand some of the turmoil (happy turmoil, but turmoil all the same) that comes with that big life change.
I don't know if this post helped at all, but I just wanted to let you know that you are absolutely not alone!
I experienced the same thing. Weight loss was easy, maintenance, too for a while. I was not tempted by anything, I had control over what food was bought and when I would eat. And I had lots of time to exercise.
My life changed, I moved to another part of the country to start medical school and all of a sudden I would find myself binging. I have classes all day long and when I come home I'm starving and tired. Most weeks, I do not have time to exercise because I need to study. Often, I don't have time to cook either. And when I do get a little time off, I go and meet friends and we eat or drink or both. This has been going on for almost a year now.
The first three weeks of January I was doing ok, but I started binging again last Sunday.
I don't have any advice to offer, but I know how you feel.
You are still the model weight loss poster child, mkendrick. I don't believe anyone who is a real person and not an automatron loses weight and then never gains back a pound or has a setback or a bad day. For better or for worse we are all just people at varying weights and stages in the weight loss/maintenance process.
It must be something about this time of year - seems a lot of posters who I always envied for being so "in control" are coming out of the woodwork and admitting to binging. There is a new thread in the Maintainers forum for regainers and a thread there devoted to binging, too.
There is something about getting comfortable at a lighter weight that leads to binging, I think. I have been struggling so much with it as of late. Saturday was such a bad day that even my boyfriend, who usually thinks it's cute how much I eat, told me he was a little grossed out by the lack of control I was exhibiting. I have gained too - not enough to outgrow my clothes or anything, but enough to make me acknowledge that there is a big problem here.
Like the OP, life is treating me well now but since I'm in a sort of temporary place (leaving Japan in August to an uncertain future) I almost feel like now is not real. That might explain some of the binging behavior. I'm taking one week off sweets entirely to see how that will affect me, since my binges have all been sugar binges on cookies, ice cream, candy etc.
I'm not even concerned with weight loss. I just want control back.
<Hugs to you all!!!> Your replies genuinely mean so much to me. Not only your advice, but knowing that I'm not the only one who goes through this.
@TapasLover, I love your advice about the fancy china! Because when I'm feeling out of control with eating, it's never well prepared beautiful food, it's food that I can acquire/open/shove in my mouth as quickly as possible. I'd definitely like to promise myself to follow some ground rules for deliberate eating (only eat sitting down, no TV, food that I personally prepare, etc), it's just a matter of sticking with it!
@spingirl9, yes, it is very frustrating to reveal these deep-seated emotional issues to people we want to confide in and they brush it off as just being thin vain girls whining about the scale. Good job on the 15 days! That's really how I need to go about this, one day at a time.
@Poundsgetlost, that's my problem too. Losing and the first months of maintenance were easy for me because I had the time and ability to make weight control my priority. I had the time to exercise, plan food, make food, and my brain wasn't so cluttered that I was able to think about it clearly. Now I have so many changes, so much going on, and weight control has had to go on the back burner. It's tough making it my #1 again.
@krampus, I'll have to check out those threads. I usually just lurk/occasionally post in weight loss support. It really is easy to get cocky with maintaining. Over the 7-ish months of maintaining (before these last few weeks), I've had a handful of days that were freebie days where I ate waaay over maintenance calories. Not binges, but days like Thanksgiving, my wedding, Christmas, etc, I was NOT counting. My weight would be up for a few days, but it would always go right back down. That gave me a false sense of security and I got way too comfy with overeating.
Today was good. I was kind of bashful around hubs, because frankly, I'm pretty ashamed of what I told him. It's hard to tell somebody deep dark secrets like that. BUT, I'm so glad that I did. For one, it's kind of nice to get it off my chest. I feel like now that it's out in the open, I can't brush it under the rug. But now he has a much better understanding of why I get so obsessive with calorie counting, measuring, bad weigh-ins, and so on. He has half a can of Pringles left in the pantry, but he said once those are gone, we don't need to have any junk at home. He can keep something in his truck if he really wants it. So as ashamed as I was to reveal all that to him, I'm so glad that I have his understanding and support.
So yes, one day at a time Yesterday and today have both been good, so I'm on day 2. Tonight, all I can promise myself is a good day 3 for tomorrow.
We sound very similar. Just a few months ago I told my husband that I used to sneak a lot of food when we were dating and that I was a binge eater. I would buy a dozen donuts and put them in the oven so he wouldn't see them when he came over to visit me when we were dating. I would order 4 cheeseburgers and 2 fries from McDonald's and then eat them as fast as I could and bury the evidence at the bottom of the garbage. I'd buy those mini-cakes at WalMart and hide it under my bed so I could take bites of it at a time so no one could see me. Holy crap -- I was really a mess. I was still binging until January 1st, but not nearly as bad as I used to.
I haven't binged since January 1st because I am now counting calories and really sticking to that, but the urge does come and go. In December I remember there were like 3 days in a row when I would just go up to the cupboard and shove crap into my face and not even think about it. In my head, I'd be yelling at myself, but I was like a robot. It's really scary, isn't it?
This will pass, and you will get back on track. I think it's awesome that you confided in your husband. I'm glad you have a great support system!
Megan,
I feel your pain here! It is like this for me as well. I have made myself very strong through will power but there are days I falter. When I am up a few pounds--I know it's time to kick it into high gear. The good thing is you know your weight thresh hold and when it is time to scale back before things are out of hand. You are only over by a few pounds--those few pounds are way less than starting completely over again. Weight is war EVERYDAY....you have already proven you are a winner!
Sissy
I was 129.4lbs yesterday and 128.6lbs this morning. So the 132.4 was mostly water weight and passing food weight. It's reassuring to be back in my maintenance range, but I know for a fact that I did gain a few pounds of real weight. As I said, my frustration isn't really about the number on the scale, it's with my behavior. But the scale, the fact that it went up a few pounds, is concrete physical evidence that I had been slipping up.
Today is my day 4, and it's going well. Went to the gym, have been eating planned healthy foods, and have a delicious dinner planned. It's strange how it's easy to stay on plan 95% of the time, but when I slip up, I crash and burn. Because when I'm on plan, I feel good, happy, satisfied, proud of myself, and untempted. But as soon as I slip, eat an unplanned treat or whatever, I say "**** with it, the day is ruined" and just go into total self destruction mode. That's lame. But it is my pattern, and I need to recognize it and guard myself against it.
This is one of the real reasons I started wanting to focus on eating healthy... I've had moments where I was hiding what I was eating from loved ones as well... or saying I'd skipped lunch when out to dinner to explain why I had to clean my plate despite a huge portion.
I still have slip ups. Last night I got up to get a glass of water, and grabbed a handful of M&Ms my roommate (annoyingly) placed in the kitchen. Obviously not a "binge" per se, but definitely NOT a healthy thing to do at 4am! I was just overtired and stressing about something and reaching for that candy was automatic. I was a little disgusted with myself this morning because of it... but I know all I can do is move on and do better!
Thanks for sharing your story! You are so BRAVE to tell your husband everything. That is such a huge step! I've been married for 7 years, and although my husband knows I have some issues with food, he really has NO idea how deep binge eating runs. You are an inspiration to share your story and to tell your husband everything! I'm too ashamed to admit it, so I just keep working on finding my moderation in life
I wonder if you have thought about the WHY to your recent situation. It seems like you've had a lot of stress the last couple months/years, so is that the trigger? For me, finding out my trigger has been the biggest way for me to stop the binging---to be mindful of my feelings or situation before I reach for the food. But it doesn't always work! We all need to be less hard on ourselves You are doing an amazing job, and you are an inspiration!
Thank you so much for being brave and sharing this. I think a lot of people would just hold it in, or try to battle it alone.
I've also been struggling lately with binge eating. For me, I think the source is stress & lack of control with other aspects of my life. I have a lot of changes going on right now with work, where I will be living, etc-- and it all feels so overwhelming.
I never consciously grab food thinking "this will ease my stress!"--- for some reason, I just find myself in these moments where I give in to one temptation, and it spirals out of control into mindless eating. The repetitive action of it, the full feeling afterward-- maybe these are the reasons it's so soothing?
Either way, it's good to talk about it. Glad we have this forum to look at our behaviors, learn from them, and work on improving.
What finally broke me out of the cycle was remembering that food is a gift, and should be enjoyed. I went to a thrift store and found 2 place settings of antique "fancy" china. 2 delicate plates, 2 smaller dessert plates, two small tea cups. Also, 2 fancy silver forks, knives spoons. I vowed to ONLY eat my meals on these plates, as a reminder that food should be mindfully consumed.
I know this sounds ridiculous and I don't do it any more, but it broke me out of the cycle at the time, and forced me to think: "am I really going to go to the gas station, buy a nuttybar, and put it on my fancy china and sit down and eat it?" Most of the time, the answer was, "no."
I have a very similar method that's been working for me. I started an online food journal (http://jennisfoodjournal.wordpress.com/) and I not only post everything I eat, but take a picture of it. If I have to stop and take a picture of something I think twice before I eat it.
I also think talking to your partner about binging can be really helpful. My boyfriend has talked me out of binging a few times in the past few weeks and I don't know where I would be without him. Having that support is really helpful.
Blech...binges. Need some support
Yesterday and today have both been good, so I'm on day 2. Tonight, all I can promise myself is a good day 3 for tomorrow.
