Today, me and 11 other people just convicted a man on child sexual abuse charges. I've spent the last several days sitting in a court room listening to testimony from women who at one time had been sexually molested by this monster. It was heart breaking to hear how this one man has destroyed many parts of these women's lives. I feel awful for the 16 year old victim who has been most resently preyed upon. I mourn for the victims who were never brave enough to come forward.
I'm really surprised at how it effected me. I thought I was tough, I thought I could handle it, but every recess, every break, I headed straight to the jury room and hit the cookies.
Then today, after the verdict was read, after we charged this man guilty on 2 separate criminal charges, I headed straight for a convenience store. Loaded up on sugar, ate it on the drive home and now I feel numb...I wish I could go to bed and sleep for hours. I feel bad. Emotionally and physically. I even feel bad for the sick SOB who hopefully gets a good long time in the pen. Don't ask me why, but for some odd reason I do.
Has anyone ever had to serve on a jury? Was it as hard for you as it was for me?
I haven't had to serve on a jury yet, but I have found myself reacting to some of the very serious problems in my patients' lives in a similar way. It's very tough to have a front row view to evil and traumatic things.
Five years later, I still ask myself whether I & the other jurors were right in the amount of damages we awarded to an FBI agent who was hit by a car while crossing the street to get a newspaper.
Everything in this case was much grayer morally & harder to distinguish than what you're describing.
But I was given power, of a kind, and I still wonder if I exercised it correctly. I know I did it responsibly & with a lot of reflection.
Power makes me self-conscious. What if people don't like me after hearing me lay down the law? (Literally, in this case.) I have this awful need to be liked, and to be absolutely certain that what I did was right. But life doesn't give you both things. Particularly not the last thing. You don't always get to say, "I was right. That was indeed the best decision."
ETA: **I** was the one who felt guilty after my stint in jury duty.
Ugh. I would cry. A lot. I usually get recused because I'm a lawyer, or we just all get sent home. I don't think I could sit on one with murder, abuse, etc. But it's such an important job.
Yes, I was on a jury this summer, this was an assault with a deadly weapon charge and we did find him guilty. His own testimony is what did him in. All twelve of us tried our best to do what was right and I believe we did. I am sometimes an emotional eater but this was not one of those times.
First, you are to be commended for taking your civic duty seriously and doing what is always a much, much harder job than how it looks. I was a judge's assistant for many years; I sat through countless trials and I must say, the lack of willing, able and intelligent jurors always left me in despair. As seagirl pointed out, it's such an important job!! And it's tough. Very tough. Well done to you for taking it on (and to the others here who have, as well)!!
You must let the feelings go that surround this trial. Try to keep in mind that because of you, this abuse is OVER. The damaged lives can move forward and heal at long last. And because you were so aware of the situation of all the individuals involved, I am certain you did the very best job possible. That's all the judicial system asks of its citizens.
I know how much easier it is to say this than to actually do it. In my job, I was required to listen to hours of painful testimony and to handle thousands of ugly exhibits: Autopsy photographs, weapons, bloody clothing -- and much worse. It's hard to get that stuff out of your head. But it's not your life, and the very best thing you can do is to get on with yours. Don't let this trial take any more of your precious time or energy than it already has! Have a good cry for them all, and yes, even the perpetrator... then carefully pack it into Memoryville and move on. Nothing more to see here, as they say.
Yes, I was on a jury this summer, this was an assault with a deadly weapon charge and we did find him guilty. His own testimony is what did him in. All twelve of us tried our best to do what was right and I believe we did. I am sometimes an emotional eater but this was not one of those times.
That's the thing...I never thought of myself as an emotional eater. I always thought I over ate because I love, (and am addicted to) sugar/carby foods. The first trip to the cookie table was so automatic, so robotic that I didn't even realize what I was doing until I had downed a few. After all this time, after working so hard to avoid these kinds of situations, it still freaks me out how easy it was to "forget". And even worse, how I felt "better" after a cookie. Like a little kid with a boo-boo. I can see I still have a lot of work to do on the food front.
It's hard to get that stuff out of your head. But it's not your life, and the very best thing you can do is to get on with yours. Don't let this trial take any more of your precious time or energy than it already has! Have a good cry for them all, and yes, even the perpetrator... then carefully pack it into Memoryville and move on. Nothing more to see here, as they say.
Best and hugs!!! - Rae
Thank you for your post Rae. I will do my best to pack it away... I appreciate your kind words.
Lori, I can empathize with what you are feeling. I used to work for a prosecutor's office and we had NUMEROUS child abuse/sexual assault cases. I would read those reports and just cry and cry - and would take those feelings home with me. It was VERY difficult to let it go or pack it away. I ended up requesting that I not be involved with the child abuse cases, as it was just entirely too hard on me.
I can imagine hearing those young women's stories was extremely difficult. I think if you can focus on the positive - that these women have been served justice and can *hopefully* move forward with their lives feeling safer - and that you have helped them with that enormous effort - you may feel a little better.
Lori Bell honey you need a CIS defusing or debriefing and the people responsible for putting you on that jury should have offered it to you!!! Critical Incident Stress is no joke and can affect your life - even becoming post traumatic stress disorder. I'm not just talking through my hat here - knowing this is part of my job - you don't have to witness something quick and horrid ( think school bus crash) to be stressed to this point - you spent a long time listening to absolute horror. Check with your mental health professionals, your Doctor or your Clergy, often this stuff cannot be packed up and put away without help. (((hugs))))
i work (well, currently laid off) in mental health, and my background is working mostly with people who have been victims of sexual/physical abuse, or have been the perpetrators of crimes that you can't even imagine. and it's hard to sit across the room from them, day after day, hear the horrible stories. and you feel for them. the victims and the perpetrators. and it affected me too.
what i learned a lot of in grad school in dealing with this sort of thing is a lot of self care. for me, its often food which i had to stop doing...lol, but its also yoga, talking to friends, writing, or watching a funny movie. take a few days and just take care of you. it would probably help for you to talk to someone you trust about it, just to sort your feelings out, if you feel like it would help, or engage in activities that make you feel good.
these are the little bumps in our lives that will throw us off kilter. you haven't forgotten so to speak- the things you heard in that room is emotional overload...HARDCORE.
hope you're doing better
Last edited by fillupthesky; 01-30-2011 at 05:01 AM.
Jury duty, guilt and food.
I appreciate your kind words.
