My husband has 2 sisters & 2 brothers, all younger than him. They are all really close!! His bros and his nice sister are all pretty cool. But the other sister is a witch with a B! She didn't like it when we went out in 9th grade..she always thought my best friend & I were snobs (but I wasn't the one who walked around school wearing a crown). She was against us getting back together. But she started to accept me after we got engaged. This is sorta when things went downhill. She made a huge stink the week of my wedding. And then tried to make it all about her the days following the wedding. But you know, the hubs put her in her place, and didn't give in to her demands. We didn't think much about her the following year. We were just Myspace friends, and that's pretty much it. But in 2006, hubs was getting ready for the 2007 deployment. Since we couldn't go to Arizona, I decided to invite his sisters to WA for a visit. I paid for their plane tickets, hotel room, souvenirs, etc. It was a nice visit, and nothing seriously bad happened. But about a few weeks after hubs was deployed...she started some stuff. She tried to control hubs by telling him to NEVER EVER speak to a certain family member. After I told her to back off, all **** broke loose!!! She turned on me so quickly. We both exchanged some really terrible remarks. I vowed that she would NEVER EVER be invited back into my home, nor would she ever meet any of my kids. We haven't spoken since. Hubs was really angry by what she said to us, especially more so what she said to him. She really hit below the belt!! It took about 2 years for them to get back on speaking terms.
Well..after Christmas, hubs took leave and we went to Arizona. I decided to be nice & invited her to go to Tucson with us. She didn't go of course, but hey..at least I asked, right? After the trip, hubs and I decided that we're done with the Navy life, and we want to move back to Az. He's getting out this summer! We're so excited to finally settle down. Hubs is happy to be with his family again. He really misses his brothers & cousins. We're buying a house..and already planning on having a Halloween party. We're also planning on having everyone over for Thanksgiving & Christmas. Well, these are all family events..and it would be pretty messed up if the mean one wasn't invited. All my friends tell me to not invite her, because that's is what she gets for being awful. (I should also mention that she is pretty rude to my friends, whenever they go to her register at Target) But our fight was 4 years ago, I should probably let it go. We are planning on having kids, and I know she wants to see them. She told the hubs that she should make nice with me because of that reason. I'm just wondering if I should make the first move. It would be a really really cold on my part, if I invite everyone over for the holidays, and not her. So should I make the first move? I'm not saying I should text or call her...but maybe I could add her on Facebook? I asked for hub's advice, and he told me that he didn't know. He's a great help, lol! I just don't want this to blow up in my face again. I can learn to keep my mouth shut if she makes another snotty comment to me. I'm so
Any advice??
Oh..I also want to say, I think she told their mom some stuff about me. When I saw his mom, it seemed like she was judging me. This was the 2nd time I met her too. I was nothing but nice to her, but it just felt like she was watching & judging me. Maybe this is something a MIL is supposed to do? I dunno..I've never had one before, lol!!
Last edited by Shopaholic1204; 01-21-2011 at 08:49 PM.
In my marriage, my husband decides everything to do with how we deal with his family, and I make all the decisions about my family. Family attachments are irrational, and we both support the others right to be irrational about their family.
So I'd let him decide. If you see her, be polite. But don't share anything--like someone you used to work with. Stay emotionally detached. It's his family, not yours.
I give my guy TONS of advice with his family, which he almost always follows - and he, mine. We're distanced enough from eachother's family to have a better perspective. It works really really well for us.
But it sounds like you already have your answer, Francie. You should invite her, and be the bigger person, because it sounds like that is what you want. Somebody will have to take a step, so it might as well be you.
I think that you were out of line to call her out on whatever she said to your husband. She is HIS sister and it's his responsibility to manage that relationship and his disagreements with her. From your story it seems like getting involved here was what made the situation boil over.
It seems like she is full of drama and bad energy.
Try VERY hard to be the bigger person. Do it for yourself so that you don't carry this anger, awkwardness and negativity around.
Make a list of everything negative that you contributed to this situation (even if it is 99% her fault) and apologize to her. Tell her you want to bury the hatchet. If she acts like a *itch don't engage her.
I would invite her and kill her with kindness. I wouldn't tell her anything (or do anything) she could hold against me. I would see her as little as possible and if she does something annoying go upstairs and scream into a pillow if you have to but don't engage her. Be friendly but keep her at arms length. Everyone has one of these relatives that just pushes their buttons. It would be better for everyone invloved to just make nice and put up with her when you have to.
I am in agreement with Shmead. If I were you I would tell the hubby that he has to make the decisions about her since she is his family. I learned my lesson the hard way by talking my husband into having his mother (he had spent years not even talking to her and had recently gotten back in touch when his grandmother died) live with us. I'm southern and very traditional, you take care of family. She was living in an assisted living place. Well, that did not go well AT ALL. She is now back where she was only we have a bunch of her stuff that we are storing for her - oh joy! Your husband should really take the lead when it comes to his family. I would also keep a bit of distance if you do end up around her, ounce of prevention and all that.
It's your husband and that relationship comes first above all else except one with God, so I respectfully disagree with the other poster Scarlett, she was right in the rest of what she said though.
I'm with Shmead too. Keep it light and polite. You don't need to have any more poor dealings with his family IMHO. It will come back to bite you in the *** long-term.
I'm not married, but I do have an aunt (dad's sister) who though perfectly lovely to me, has a tendency to be "that" sister-in-law that's a bit difficult. And I agree 100% with Scarlett. Invite her. Apologize for your part in the drama and let it go. Whether she chooses to come or not is her problem.
Then be civil and nice to her when you meet. But don't try to be friends. Her type will always turn something you say or do inside out and as such is not to be trusted. Kill her with kindness, but also at the same time keep your distance. You can invite her to large family occasions but you don't need to have lunch together, go shopping together, have any relationship other than as part of the large family group. In any interaction you have with her though, be civil and nice, no matter what buttons she pushes. Just walk away from her or say you'd like to change to subject rather than getting into an insult-slinging match with her, when she decides to push your buttons. Don't let her drag you down to her level. She'll hate it! Believe me! My aunt does. Plus, you'll have the satisfaction of being on the moral high road.
Last edited by toastedsmoke; 01-22-2011 at 03:35 AM.
I think you have gotten some really good advice, I totally agree with the the advice on inviting her to big family gatherings but I say do not apologize for what has happenned, from what you have said she would just use it against you to make trouble. Make moving back to AZ a fresh start, all families have issues but in the end they are family and we just need to find peaceful ways to deal
She not just not your friend, she's not your problem. If she's wrong about something, let her be wrong. If she's treating your husband or her other family members in a way you disagree with, let them deal with it. If she's making a big mistake, let her make it. If she misunderstood something you said, let her keep misunderstanding it. Just make her a non-issue in your life.
I talked with the hubs about it again, and he finally told me that it would be nice if we could at least be civil with each other. So I sent her a friends invite on FB...
Not only had she accepted the request, she APOLOGIZED for everything!!! She said she never should have said what she said. She regretted pushing us away, because she missed out on really getting to know me. She was actually thinking of a way to approach me, and was glad I took the first step. She wants everyone in her family to get along, and that includes her and I. I was not expecting any of this!! I literally sat here stunned for a few minutes, lol!! I did apologize for the things I said too, and we started talking things out. We agreed to let the past stay in the past, and to start a fresh. I'm still a little apprehensive though. I think I'll be on guard, just in case. But for the most part, I feel like a ton of weight has been lifted!!
Oh, and I told hubs everything, and he is really happy. Today, we've been together for 8 years too. So all around, it is a good day.
I need some sister in law advice
