emotional eating, other stuff *WARNING: TRIGGERS, abuse*
I am under serious stress.
I don't know if any of you know about borderline personality disorder, but I, my therapist, and anyone I know who knows anything about psych, has voiced their opinion after hearing stories about my mother, that she is borderline.
If you DO know about borderline, or have dealt with them, or are one, you know how difficult it is. I was diagnosed borderline years ago. I do believe I have pretty much recovered. I was a manipulative self injurying suicidal ideating, "I hate you, don't leave me" type of person. Much therapy later, I'm better, not perfect, but you wouldn't guess that anyone had ever labeled me as that.
Anyhow, so my mom has been cutting, calling me frantic, I get texts from my abusive step father that she's suicidal, I have rushed back home when things went south with her marriage and she was ready to just die. I am always there for her.
Tonight I begged her to come here. he beat her in the head, she needed a ct scan. (he did this to me all through my childhood) she said, "he knows how to beat you without leaving a mark." and I am well aware of this.
Then she blew me off, she had destroyed everything of his in the house, including literally thousands of dollars of guitars and equipment. She said she did it so he would beat her when he got home and she would call the police.
Then moments later she started this **** trying to get me and my sister to fight. My sister is 21, I am 30, we have NEVER HAD A FIGHT EVER. This enrages my mom. Today she went out of her way to try and make us fight, she really hurt me. Then I found out things she had said to my sister about me, that I"m self absorbed and she avoids my phone calls.
All of this, among other things, has brought up lots of negative emotions about my past and abuses suffered. Things she denied happened all my life, and now that the police are around she's telling them that he beat me as a kid to make him look bad. On the phone once she said to him, "Alicia is probably crazy becasue you beat her!" SHE NEVER ADMITTED THIS TO ME. She has denied it my entire life. All I EVER wanted from her was for her to admit and validate my experience, now that it is convenient for her, she is pulling that card.
I can not take it. I am pretty far disassociated from my past in a lot of ways, my therapist has recognized this. It is easier, and this is bringnig so much stuff up that I can't breath.
But, what does this have to do with diet?
Tonight bf made pasta. This is a huge comfort food for me, a trigger food in excess. I can eat about one serving with protein and be okay. but he made a huge pot. I dont' nkow why.
I looked in the pot and i was STARVING, I hadn't eaten in so long, and I said, "I can't do it, I can't eat right now. I'm too emotional, I feel like if I start eating it i wont' stop."
Then he said, "I'll make a plate for you for later." and I said, "I appreciate you cooking, I do, but I can't eat it tonight. I fear for my diet, and my day tomorrow, if I let myself eat that."
So I had a chicken taco salad instead.
whew.
Anyhow, I"m sorry for the venting and the personal issues I just needed to get that out and say also, I am pretty proud of myself for avoiding temptation.
Your family of origin sounds chaotic. Mine was somewhat that way, too. Here is what I've learned: We can't figure people like this out because they aren't normal or reasonable. We can't expect any kind of reasonable behavior from them because of the mental chaos that is going on inside their heads. I finally gave up trying to figure out a couple of my family members because there is no way to apply logical thoughts to their situation and come up with an answer that makes sense, because THEY don't make sense.
And I fear that I'm not making sense right now, because it's late and I'm tired. But I am really impressed with your ability to recognize the fact that the pasta pot could have started you down a bad path. Congratulations on that! And hang in there with the family stuff. It's hard, but please try not to buy into the chaotic thinking. (I know I have overused the word "chaos" in this post, but it really is the most fitting in my experience.)
I don't even know what to say, my heart hurts for all of you. I can only say that you did amazingly well in avoiding a clear trigger, and exerting some control over your eating. It is the best thing you can do with a bad, messy situation
I am so sorry you are dealing with this. I am sorry your mom is so ill. Your step father sounds evil. No person of any age should be hit, beat or mentallly abused. I hope your mom can some how break away from this.
My sister and I never would fight either - people were always amazed. I am sorry your mom doesn't see this as a good thing.
I am so proud of your willingness to know your limitations with food and having the salad instead. I think this is major.
You treated yourself as you would treat a good friend. Carry on with this self kindness.
That you resisted the pasta is pretty awesome. I've got close associates with BPD and OCD as well, and they can wrack your nerves and patience enough to make you want to commit "Carbicide". (thank you, Bruno) Which I have fallen prey to a lot. Frustration is a big trigger for me.
If that spaghetti is still in the pot, quick, throw it out. Pull yourself out a portion - then throw it away. Your boyfriend should understand. This is the kind of thing you do when you have the strength. That bad angel on your shoulder still wants to whisper in your ear.
As far as the family thing, I know it's not easy, but you may have to decide if your life is better if you put your parents out of it. I did this to my mother, I honestly couldn't handle the crap she added to my life, and the way she would manipulate us kids. The final straw was when she called my brother who lives 12 hours or so away (I'm in NE PA he is just outside of Nashville) and told him he needed to take my oldest for the summer or longer because I don't love him and can't stand to raise him (my oldest has ODD and is difficult and I must have messed up in tellling my mom at one point how hard he is to raise).
For a long time I felt guilty blocking her out, but in the long run, me and my family are so much better off.
First, good for you for recognizing the triggers and avoiding the pasta - that's not easy to do and you did it!!! Be proud of yourself!!
Second, I know all too well what it's like to grow up in a household with an abusive step-father and an extremely mentally ill mother. Like your mother mine was the queen of revisionist history and she never acknowledged what I went through to the point where I seriously began to doubt my own recollection of certain events.
It's such an intertwined complicated relationship to navigate without sacrificing your own mental and physical health but on this day you made a choice to cherish yourself! That's huge!
I'm 28 years old and my mom is bi polar, very seriously so. I spent my entire conscious life trying to impress her, keeping her happy and trying to protect myself from her meltdowns. She was in and out of abusive relationships. She was violent herself, and has been arrested over a hundred times (at least...) for fighting and even fighting the cops. She is constantly trying to cause problems between my siblings (the one that still talks to her, anyway) and me. She tells everyone lies to cause trouble. She's accused people of heinous stuff just to start problems. She abuses prescription pills and has OD'd twice. In September our relationship came to a head when she got very angry because I didn't want my kids around a guy she had living with her. She called me names and lied to me, so I told her she wouldn't be seeing them while we were visiting. We weren't there for familial visits anyway, it was for a funeral. She threatened suicide and her boyfriend told me if she does anything it will be my fault. 2 weeks later, he called and said my mom took a bunch of pills and is on her way to the hospital, and that it was all my fault. He watched her take the pills, and as soon as they were down he called the ambulance, then called me to blame me for it.
At that point I had decided enough was enough. I am not in charge of my mother's choices. She's an adult who not only actively makes bad choices, but wants someone to pity her and bail her out every time. If you don't bail her out, or pity her, she immediately gets vicious. She's nasty to me behind my back, but nice to my face. So I stopped it all. I told her she makes her own choices and I couldn't keep putting myself in a toxic situation that was making my own life ****. I told her she was an adult and she knows the things she's doing are bad, that she has plenty of people who are willing to help if she'd just STOP some of this (even her doctors told her she needs help, but can't make her go) and that she CAN get help, she just chooses not to.
She hasn't talked to me since the suicide attempt and phone call, and although I do worry about her occasionally, I try to remind myself that SHE is MY mother, I am not HER mother. She's an adult and I can't change her.
I hope you find some peace in this. Good for you for avoiding the pasta! That's a HUGE trigger food for me too! Good luck!
Last edited by Pint Sized Terror; 11-09-2010 at 09:08 AM.
You deserve a hug for the tumultuous situation you have to deal with.
You deserve applause for recognizing your trigger and another for resisting and another for expressing your state of mind to your boyfriend (rather than keeping it inside). You got through it! YOU GOT THROUGH IT!! You. Got. Through. It!!! I think that constitutes a STANDING OVATION!!! Bravo!!
Quote:
Tonight bf made pasta. This is a huge comfort food for me, a trigger food in excess. I can eat about one serving with protein and be okay. but he made a huge pot. I dont' know why.
Seeing someone you love so upset and not being able to do anything about it is frustrating. He did it because he loves you and wants to help you, soothe you, comfort you and he doesn't know any other way to do it.
My father is borderline as well... and he made my life a living ****. He still does, in some ways.... but I've pretty much distanced myself from him as safely as I can and still maintain a family relationship. Basically...... special occasions and holidays. We talk about the good stuff, the funny stuff.... but I avoid needing him or wanting to need him in any way. Growing up, he was a selfish, immature, violent, manipulative, cruel man....... charismatic in the extreme (people love him until they get to know him and he's sucking their blood, then they panic and yeah).
Let me put it this way... my dad's the type that had a girlfriend (one of many, let me tell you) that made him angry and while breaking up, he let himself into her apartment with his keys that she'd demanded he give back and opened the back door to let her cats out that were her BABIES (she loved them more than anything, being childless they truly were like her children) so they could get hit and run over.
Yeah, THAT kind of ***hole.
One time I was ranting at him for treating my brother and I like crap and he looked me up and down and sneered at me and said, "Who are you to talk fat***? Look at you... you're disgusting.... what guy will ever want you?"
I'm still scarred, deep down inside, from that.
My bad eating came from that, mostly.... those types of things. Every time I got upset, every time I got angry.... I'd run to the kitchen and eat my comfort foods. They were the only thing that would numb my mind and keep me from the rage and humiliation and hatred I had for him in so many ways.
But, eventually.... I learned to love him from a distance. I always will, he's my dad. There were good times..... and truly, he is sick. He can't help that he's sick. But I can help how much I put MYSELF in harms way by being around him or putting myself out on a limb to help him unless it's really necessary. I've created boundaries that he, for the most part, has learned to silently respect. The moment he steps over them I put him in his place calmly and stay away from him for months. Slowly, he's learned that I'm done.... and learned what will make me withdraw and IGNORE him. And that's the last thing these people want... is to be ignored.
So... I guess.... my advice is.... let it go. Quit hating, and resenting. It just makes you feel horrible. Remember that they're sick... and feel bad for them for being that way, but remember that there's only so much one person can do. You've tried.... you've done what you can. Now it's time to look out for you.
I am so sorry you're dealing with that; I have some family members (addicts, liars, plain ridiculous people) that I had to cut out of my life: nobody is worth my health, baby...NOBODY. You are so awesome for resisting the pasta.
emotional eating, other stuff *WARNING: TRIGGERS, abuse*
applause for recognizing your trigger and another 
