As I think about my weight (35 pounds over "normal" weight and lazy) and things, I know that it's not just about eating too much. It's about using the food to not have to feel what I'm feeling. It's about a weird fear that the food will not be here later so I'd better eat it now (um, there's no one else here to eat it.) It's about thinking that because it's healthy whole food it's ok to have more of it than my body needs to get through the day.
I know that to get this weight off, I have to recognize these things and let them be there and maybe feel really uncomfortable while I do the things I need to do to get fit and healthy again.
What about you? What's it really about? What do you have to feel your way through in this process?
It took me a long time, but I finally figured myself out. My problem was never the typical problem facing someone who gained 100 pounds. I've never had emotional problems with food. My problem was simply about the math.
When I was in college I walked everywhere, including to the grocery store which was three miles away. Breakfast, lunch and dinner were 3/4 mile away my freshman year, the building next door in later years. I thought I didn't exercise because I did not go to the gym. I didn't consider all that walking to be exercise.
When I graduated from college, I stopped walking. I fell into a normal routine for adults. I simply became sedentary and did not change my eating habits to match.
I never ate a lot, but I ate high calorie crap. I drank 2-3 full sugar sodas a day. I enjoyed McDonald's value meals with full sugar sodas about once a week, sometimes more. I was the queen of casseroles and ate too large a portion. Nights were capped off with ice cream. And I was a bad nibbler throughout the day. A handful of chips, a couple mini candy bars, a small serving of random leftovers.
I never binge ate, never ate the entire box of Oreos, never the entire bag of chips, never ate one meal in the car before coming home. My problem was simply about calories in vs. calories out. And my body doesn't require a lot of calories.
Yes! I forgot about that. For the longest time, I lived in the city. I walked to the subway, walked from the subway to my destination. Walked on all my errands on the weekends. Then I moved to the suburbs. No where to walk to. A huge chunk of exercise just gone.
Now I'm in a different location in the suburbs, just outside a little village, so I'm trying to get back in the habit of walking to the grocery store, post office, library, etc.
Putting exercise back in as a natural part of my day will be a huge piece of this.
It's amazing how wonderful walking communities are! What a crime that we don't have more of them. Heck, in college, even if I wanted to drive somewhere my car was literally parked two miles away!! We all had to park in this one arena parking lot, AND every Friday we had to move our cars for the game. LOL! I walked ALOT. My car was only used for driving an hour and a half home.
My biggest problem is grazing! I constantly eat. Every time I walk into the kitchen I open the fridge and browse. Even if I am not hungry, I look in there or in the pantry. I have to make a conscious effort to NOT open the fridge or pantry when I go in there. I am always snacking. This constant eating over the years combined with my extremely sedentary lifestyle has ballooned my weight up to 277 at the highest. I think I will always have to fight the mental battle of not browsing the goods when I walk into the kitchen.
seagirl- your opening post that's my problem almost exactly. except i live with 4 other people, but i'm in charge of the kitchen. there's not alot of eating done without my ok, or i make it myself. their dad doesn't cook any meals.
when my kids were babies we had just moved into our own apt. it was a real fear of mine. running out of food, formula, or diapers is a big deal. Now...eh. i buy smarter. when we are 'low' on food we still can eat something. i keep basics to make pancakes or muffins from scratch. buying the mix in a box just means when i use that first, there's nothing later on in the month. so i buy lots of basics like that. extra cans of tomatoes, beans. boxes of noodles. chicken. i don't plan my meals. i just get basics then decide what to make that day, but i always make the easy fast stuff first. well, that's way off point, but now i shop differently and don't fear running out of food. plus my kids are waay past formula and diapers.
eventually, we did run out of everything including diapers. i learned that even if the worst happens it's not that big of a deal. i can give the kid a long bath, carefully monitor drinks, use a towel while dad gets more diapers. and keep careful track when we are getting low, giving dad notice. so knowing i can get through those challenging situations and many others, gives me confidence. it all gets blown out of proportion in my head. it's really not that big of a deal.
As i said on my other threads. the big difference for me this time is consistent exercise. i'm talking moving everyday, but as often as possible i'm running, sweating my butt off. i enjoy it. i feel great after. it really restrains my portion control. gets the stress out. without the exercise, i would be maintaining or gaining slowly. and i don't even eat half of what i used to eat or drink. my stomach just can't hold 4 cups of water anymore.
Mine was definitely eating high carb, high calorie, high sugar comfort foods... not to mention my family's ethnic Mexican dishes (can we say hello fatty, carby food??!) Every time I was upset or threatened or angry I ate three or four bowls of my favorite food or half a pizza (or more) and tons of ice cream.... and it made me feel happy and comforted.
Yeah.
Nothing like 250lbs at age 25 to make you feel REALLY comfortable, right?
Last edited by starfishkitty; 10-30-2010 at 10:40 AM.
I enjoy the feeling of fullness. Not binging--not really a binge eater--but being sated. I like feeling like I don't want any more food. The way you feel after a good meal. I miss indulging in that feeling. However, for me feeling sated means eating more than I need, and eating a little more than you need each day really, really adds up.
There's other stuff, of course--I have a terrible sweet tooth and love carbs to distraction, and I tend toward sedentary activities, but I think it was that tendency to always eat 20% more than I really needed that did the most damage.
I was LAZY. Yep, I'll be the first to admit that I was a lazy fat slob. I spent hours on the computer, I watched a lot of TV and napped often. Of course I ate the entire time I was awake. I was drugged out on sugar, and miserable. One of my biggest steps was to severely limit "sit down" time. My TV/Computer time now is strictly limited. Matter of fact my computer is in the laundry room now...and I roll the computer chair into another room of the house when I'm home a lone. I don't sit down to use it. I'm standing up right now! If I spend too much time on the computer it triggers the compulsion to eat sugar. Just like talking on the phone makes me want to smoke. I don't do that much anymore either. If I want to talk to someone I go see them!
I never realized how fat I had become and I saw myself much differently then I actually appeared. My dad (who was very large himself) use to tell me it was better to be a little fat and because so many of my relatives on his side were so much bigger then me I never felt that large but rather I saw other people as tiny. I've always enjoyed food and I've been overweight since puberty. I've been pretty physically active for most of my life and there were times when I ate very little so my body weight use to fluctuate as much as 25 pounds a year but I never thought anything of it. I always thought if I was true to myself people wouldn't judge me for my weight and since I was physically active and didn't have any noticeable health problems I figured I was fine. Boy was I wrong.
After being rejected by multiple men and developing increasingly problematic sleep apnea I decided it was time for a change. Part of me is really scared of losing weight because there is something so safe and secure about being overweight but I'm also excited to see what I'll look like. My sleep apnea has already all but disappeared and I have so much energy I don't even know what to do with it sometimes. I still have to watch myself around certain foods sometimes but I don't miss pigging out. I've found that I enjoy exercise especially weight training. Now that I'm losing weight I'm starting to realize how big I really was and it scares me. I guess this journey is really about building an accurate self image of myself and learning a healthy way to look at food and exercise.
I dislike the vulnerability of being thin. I used to get a lot of unwelcome attention. I always used to have to second guess motives of both men and women. I like being invisible--I would have never gotten this big if it weren't comfortable.
I'm really struggling with that right now. A random guy told me that I was a beautiful woman...and so different than the women who lived in the area (San Francisco where I'm on vacation). I've visited Baskin Ribbons and Jack in the Box since that conversation this morning. Definitely need to fix that issue in my head.
I love eating, always have. As a baby my first phrase of two words strung together was "More ham."
I think I am doomed to eternally crave a 5000 calorie-a-day diet, but vanity and the unignorable awareness that unhealthy food makes me feel bad physically keep me in check...most of the time.
What's It Really About For You?
My problem was never the typical problem facing someone who gained 100 pounds. I've never had emotional problems with food. My problem was simply about the math.
