I'm baffled. Three times this week friends who are usually not completely insensitive have made fat comments about other people in front of me. Do they not see me? Do they not realize I'm just as fat, if not fatter, than the people they're talking about?
Like, today, my size-two sister (whose four-year-old daughter already uses "fat" as an insult--I wonder where she learned that) tells me she's thinking about changing school districts because, among other reasons, all the kids she's seen at the middle school are overweight. Excuse me? So what? Does she think the fat is going to rub off on her skinny child? Does she think that just because these kids are overweight that means they're stupid, too? I mumbled something about obesity being a problem everywhere, not just in her school district, and at that point she seemed to realize that maybe I wasn't exactly the person she should be complaining to about this.
Then an acquaintance was talking about the cruise she just went on and how it's a bad idea to go on a cruise if you hate people--like, fat people and old people. She then proceeded to take out her photos of the trip and point out the "weird, fat people" in the background, I don't think a single one of those people weighed more than I do. We were in a group and I didn't feel comfortable saying anything so I just excused myself from the situation.
I really don't get it. Like I said, these people aren't normally insensitive, so why are they making these comments in front of me? Do they not realize that I weigh 225 pounds? Do they not care if they hurt my feelings? How do you react when people around you make fat jokes/fat comments?
I was obese for quite a few, kind of nonconsecutive years, and I had the same thing happen to me. Like, my cousin commented offhand to me that she used to not like fat people until she started feeling bad for them - now she just pities them. I was thinking, "Um, hello? Fat person here. Thanks a lot."
I honestly don't know what it is. From their tone and expressions, they're not trying to be mean to me. Do they not know I'm fat? That can't be it. It CAN'T be. Do they just not think of me that way? No idea. But I pretty much just kind of nod or ignore it or make a noncommittal noise. I mean, how am I supposed to respond? It baffles me. Sorry that's not more help.
Weirdly, people make fewer comments about larger individuals in front of me now than when I obese. Maybe they're more conscious of how I used to look? I don't know.
It's very weird, though. If anyone has an explanation I'd love to read it.
You know how people used to have a Black Friend. ("I have a Black Friend. One of my friends is Black.") Or a Gay Friend. ("Well, I have a Friend who's Gay ...") And these gay or black people were somehow exempt in their minds from the gross generalizations they still continued to make about blacks or gays. They didn't even realize they were talking indirectly about their good friends when they verbally gay-bashed or broke out a spontaneous ethnic slur.
That's how I think it is with people who have fat friends but make nasty remarks about fat people.
And particularly so if those friends are formerly fat.
I had a late night glass of wine with a male friend who's known me for years, who knew me when I was 107 pounds heavier. We have been working together for 10 years. He kept making remarks about people we work with who've gained weight over the years, about people in our workplace who are still fat. I still can't decide if he was subtly reminding me of where I come from, as if I ought to be ashamed of having once been fat, or if I'm the Formerly Fat Friend whom he's now forgotten was fat & can now safely say nasty things about fat people around, because I am Different, as his token fat (formerly) friend.
It's late & I am not sure if I am making sense, but I'm telling you, your friends have excepted you from Those Other Fat People in their minds.
Yes, it's really so strange! I have a very dear friend who is one of the kindest people I have ever met. She really does SO MUCH for people, but one day, she said that the one thing her husband wouldn't tolerate from her would be if she had gained a significant amount of weight. She said this to me and another friend while I was at my highest weight. I really don't think she was thinking at all about me but more focusing on her extreme fear of putting on lots of weight. She grew up with a mom who struggled with weight and still does and she doesn't want anything to do with that sort of a struggle. So, I just let it go. However, if she would make negative comments about fat people in general, I would be very hurt because the assumption is that fat is within our control so we're just (insert insult here such as lazy, gluttons, etc.). I wish people would realize that nobody chooses to be fat. Just like nobody chooses to be an alcoholic or a drug addict. It just sort of manifests. Ok, sorry for the ramble!
I straight up call people out to their face. Only in a more detailed, you will be put in your place and know precisely what ignorant, judgmental, absurd, impolite comment you just made.
I used to just take it all, and it stole a small piece of me every time I let it slide. Guess I didnt feel strong enough to take a stand. At some point it changed and I maybe went too far in the other direction. Ill go off on complete strangers now, lol.
But ya know - its not only about them being rude to ME. Who else do they say this crap to? Maybe if I stand up for myself in an educated, well thought out manner the person will actually reconsider their thought process and endless others wont have to endure the same crap. Ugh makes me so mad.
The worst is when Im out with coworkers. They call TINY tiny tiny girls fat. Like....size 6 girls. I want to murder them for watching so much porn and looking in so many magazines and being so close to college age that they really can truly think that someone who is totally tiny is fat. Grrrrrrr!
and saef - about the black friend or the gay friend....white folks in the south like those in my fam would say they had a black friend and then say the n word incessantly in the privacy of their own homes. You really are right with that comparison. I truly believe that the very fat and very thin are the only group it is still politically correct to just say the most inhumane things to and about! No one says that crap about any color, religion, sex, sexual orientation, etc anymore...but my entire fat life I had a million people say THE most cruel things to me.
I'm only nineteen so I'm around my guy friends and they do this a lot. I've had guys say "did you see that girl Matt's talking to? What a heffer! She's huge!" to me.. and I want to be like "Are you serious?! She probably weighs 90 pounds less than me and you're saying this to ME!?" but generally I keep my mouth shut and roll my eyes. Or say, "oh well, why's that matter so much, jerk?" And they just never seem to realize! On one hand it's like hmm maybe they don't see me as "fat"... which I like. But on the other it's like... I feel solidarity with anyone who isn't super skinny and maybe I'm betraying the girl for not punching him in the face! haha
Thanks, everyone! It's good to hear all of your thoughts on this. I wish I did, but most of the time I just don't have the courage to say anything back when I hear these kinds of comments. I'm sensitive enough about my weight as it is, and I don't want to draw any more attention to it--especially in group situations.
With my sister, though, I wish I had said something. I think I was just too shocked to hear it coming from her mouth, and by the time I formulated everything I wanted to say, it was too late to bother bringing it up again.
I'm going to comment on the school thing. I have a child who is just about school aged and I do worry what going to school full time is going to do to her health. They've taken away breaks and recess in a lot of schools and the stuff they serve is junk. They're rewarded with candy and lots of junk food/fast food places are HEAVILY invested in public schools. If I noticed that in a particular school most of the kids were overweight, I would be worried that the school was feeding them crap and cutting sports, PE, and recess. It wouldn't be a judgment about the kids, it would be about how the school is setting up a culture that doesn't allow them to be healthy. That's scary. Schools have kids most of their waking hours and if it's setting them up to be unhealthy, that's a problem. Schools making kids unhealthy and unfit is a whole huge ISSUE for me at the moment.
There's a really good youtube video called Fat Rant (Joy something? Nash?) where she talks about people who feel TOTALLY comfortable talking about fat people in front of a fat person. I will try to find it. I think it's because most people assume we all share this unspoken understanding that thin is good and fat is bad. I mean, how can we not all agree that the fat girl looks stupid? Even fat people should know that's just a Truth, right?
It's sort of like how no matter who I get as a cab driver, they always assume that I hate the same race they hate. It's such a basic true thing to them, they assume everyone thinks the way they do.
In both cases, it's just rude and ignorant. I just say, "wow, is that how you talk about me when I'm not here" because frankly, I enjoy the expressions on their faces. But then, I can be mean like that.
Thanks for your feedback, NiteNicole. I hadn't even thought about the school thing in that way. I guess with the Marie Claire debacle fresh in my mind, I automatically assumed she was getting at "All fat people are gross" rather than it saying something about the school itself.
I'll have to look for that YouTube video. Thanks for the tip!
i will usually raise an eyebrow and say "really? REALLY?" and just look at them. i also like to go with the "until you have to borrow my pants, i don't want to hear about it" when skinny people are complaining about being fat. or sometimes i'll go with the "yeah, you're disgusting, if i was as fat as you i think i'd have killed myself"
but i'm kind of a jerk. then again, they started it.
i think i'm going to use "is that how you talk about me when i'm not around?" i like it.
I've never been the person to stand for anyone making fun of
another person for their weight, race, orientation, etc. I always
tell them that if they have nothing nice to say then they shouldn't
say anything at all. Also, the word "fat" truly disgusts me.
It's such a negative word and I always cringe.
I'm so sorry they were being so blind and rude. They were
discriminating and judging others merely on their weight
and didn't even realize who they were talking to.
What saef said. Back in high school when I was the heaviest in my group of friends, they would fat-bash all day long and say "oh stop, you're not fat" if I said "hey now..."
strangely, this happens to me all the time too. People make fat jokes about other people to me. and since i tend to poke fun at MYSELF at how fat i am..they think i dont have a problem with them poking fun at others. but there is a difference...i say things about myself to lighten the mood and situation...but jokes about others are cruel, i dont like them about me, and i know others wouldnt like it if they heard you either.
Do they not see me? Vent
