[mysoul]

I am new to the forum. Have been a lurker for a few months. I have been overweight all my life. 280 lbs. in the 4 th grade. I went down to 190 as an adult and in the last couple years pushed to 270. I am currently 240 and actively loosing.

I have an adult daughter..she is 26. She weighs close to 400 lbs. My question is how do I approach her about losing weight. I have asked her to go walking with me , encouraged her to eat healthier foods etc. She was recently turned down for medical insurance do to her size. I have mentioned to her that it is time she took care of herself. I don't want to hurt her feelings , but I really feel I should say something. She has a small circle of friends and they are enablers. We have a pretty good relationship . I was going to tell her I would pay for weight watchers and a gym membership if she would go.... that she needs to take control of her life. I am not sure if I am getting desperate to help and will make matters worse. I am willing to risk that she will be mad a me for a few days.

Any advice will be greatly appreciated.

Thanks

[katy trail]

i'm not sure theres anything you can do. she has to want it. more than anything. if not, its not for real. what's her reaction to walking with her, healthier choices?

[mysoul]

Originally Posted by katy trail

i'm not sure theres anything you can do. she has to want it. more than anything. if not, its not for real. what's her reaction to walking with her, healthier choices?

She tells me she doesn't have time to walk or she doesn't good tennis shoes. With the healthier foods she tells me she needs the iron. She believes she has an iron deficiency because she hasn't had a menstrual cycle. Thanks for the response,

[katy trail]

any kind of beans/lentils has tons of iron. so just eating chilli shes upping the iron. easy to do in fall. cream of wheat has tons of iron. no fat. really yummy w/all spice,vanilla extract and just about any fruit you guys like. apples,pears,in season. raisins plump up all yummy. i love frozen cherries in it. they're already seeded.both really easy ideas.

you could make something and bring to a fam. event like watching football. or just make it. bring it over. say you were thinking of her. you know how busy she is in morning, at night to make dinner etc. you dont want her to feel guilty. we want her to see it can be easy and taste good
i wish i could help my sis. in the same way.

[pinkalarmclock]

i really wish i had advice on this but i don't. i have a sister who is obese (maybe morbidly im not sure) and trying to get her to lose weight never works. she will sometimes lose weight but its always her choice, not anything we said. my parents have done things like bought her memberships to gyms, worked out with her every day she wanted to, even offered her money if she lost a certain amount by the end of the year (or something like that). but it never works unless she feels like it, which never lasts long when she does. i'm afraid the only thing we can do is hope they realize they need to change their habits. best of luck to you!

[Lyn2007]

She does have to be ready, but I think you have to have a heart to heart with her. Talk to her about your fears for her health. Tell her how much you love her and don't want to lose her. At 400 pounds that is a very real risk. If she rejects your talk or gets angry, let it go, she is not ready. But maybe something you say in love and NOT judgement will save her life.

[JayZeeJay]

The two members of my immediate family who have lost significant weight and improved their eating/exercise habits have both done so because of medical reasons, not because of encouragement from the rest of us. It seems like having a health scare, or at least a doctor's stern advice to lose weight, is sometimes the best motivation.
You say she's not menstruating: that's not normal. Can a doctor's visit be arranged on that basis? A free or low-cost clinic visit perhaps? That might result in her making some changes based on medical advice.

[AlyssaJoy]

Hello, mysoul! You've already received wonderful advice here. I'll just tack on my two cents.

Your daughter is hurting herself. She's rejecting herself by neglecting her body. All of us who've struggled with weight understand what a painful cycle it is to feel horrible about the way we look (or ourselves in general), and then we eat to comfort ourselves, which in turn compounds the problem.

I think the one thing your daughter needs more than anything else is probably unconditional love and adoration. Now, I'm not saying she needs to be enabled in killing herself; just that she should feel your focus in on her person and how much you love her, and not on how she looks. My guess would be that she's aware of her weight every waking hour as it is. ???

If you feel you need to have one more sit-down talk with her to make clear how concerned you are about her health and that you fear losing her, then I would definitely do so. Just be as adoring of her person as you can be in this conversation so she can walk away with the knowledge that she has your unconditional love, that you see her heart when you look at her, and that you just don't want to lose her early.

After that, I'd just be the best example of health you can be for her, without acting like dieting and looks are everything. And she shouldn't get the impression or the feeling that you're silently judging her, trying to make her to be like you. Just set a wonderful example for her while you love her for who she is.

I don't believe that we who have relationships with our parents, ever stop looking to them to be the example, even silently. If they're not leading well, we'll look elsewhere for our examples of how to live. If you and your daughter maintain a loving, accepting relationship, and she sees you being successful in your dieting efforts without judging her or pushing those ideas onto her, she'll have a good example to follow right at her fingertips.

Also, if you're eating good, healthy, filling foods, she'll see that losing weight is possible, doable, and when she's ready, she'll likely feel less intimidated to get started. She may even turn to you for encouragement.

I have to ask, do you think there's even a remote possibility that she's unaware of the health risks of being so overweight? And, do you think she truly feels good about how she looks, deep down, in her alone moments? Do you think there's even a slight possibility that she thinks you aren't at all concerned about her health? What I'm leading up to is, there's a great chance she already 'knows' but, as others have said, she's not chosen to make a change yet.

Pray for her! And love her with all of your heart. Be her example without passing judgement.

I'll say a prayer for you guys right now.


Love,

Alyssa

[ghost]

You can always do what my mom did. Turn on the water works, tell her how much you love her and that you are terrified of losing her because of her weight. Tell her, its not because you want her to lose weight, but you want her to be physically healthy and weight loss is only part of the equation.
I was pushing 270 when my staged her mini-intervention, and I took it to heart, she was seriously crying because she was sure I'd be dead in 10 years and she didn't want to bury me. I made a Dr.s appointment to see my GP that day and was referred for nutrition and excercise counseling within a week and 6 months later I was down 50 lbs and my mom still says it was the most effective temper tantrum she's ever thrown.