Oh God I'd Love to Eat My Emotions Right Now- Total Rant
It's been a really awful day.
I knew it would be. I don't take criticism well (even constructive) and I knew that a whole class period devoted to the tearing apart of my script for Screen Writing would destroy me. All the *****y peer reviews and well meant comments of "maybe you should just totally re-write this" aside, I got yet another "C" grade in this class. With midterms just around the corner, I seriously feel like all the weight of everything is on my shoulders. I'm seconds away from a panic attack, something I thought I'd gotten away from last year.
And I would love, LOVE, to go to the store after classes today and buy the biggest collection of junk I can and cram it down my face until my head stops hurting and the urge to throw myself into traffic subsides.
I won't do it. But boy do I wish I could without just hating myself even more.
Why can't I have an outlet that actually HELPS me instead of feeding my self-destructive tendencies and making me feel even worse?
I just wish I was actually capable of doing something WELL instead of doing all things in a mediocre manner.
Arghhh!!!!
Ok. Ok. I can do this. All I have to do is...figure out how to write a script that doesn't suck. I'm an English major. I can do that. Right.
And the only other thing I have to do is ignore the fact that chocolate cake is half price at the market today. Yeah.
I'm not great with criticism either (I am working on it, though, because there's nothing "bad" about not being perfect!). When I feel like you do, I take it out physically. I run or I lift some heavy weights or I do a kickboxing video...heck, I've even been known to hit a pillow or two.
Interestingly, exercise is the only thing that has ever worked to put out the flames of an impending panic attack, for me. The combination of doing something good for my body and burning off that panicky energy (sometimes even to the point of abject exhaustion) can stop my panic cycle almost immediately.
It's worth a shot, anyway.
Hope your day improves. Try to remember that you're in college to LEARN...and if you never got any feedback at all, that would mean you'd learned it all already, and college was a waste of your time and money.
Like you and Manda, I'm not good with criticism, either. Not at all. But I'm working on it.
I'm a film major and believe me, I've been where you are. I've had professors and fellow classmates rip my scripts, script pitches, editing work, commentary on films, etc. apart. My instinct is always to head to Crumbs or Mrs. Fields after class is over and stuff my face with oversized cupcakes or cookies (and like you, I get so annoyed with myself that my instinct is to binge on crap).
What I do calm my anxiety attacks depends on what causes it. Sometimes I channel it into a work out. Sometimes I write my thoughts down and getting them out of my head will calm me a little. Sometimes I watch a comfort movie. And sometimes only a nap can help. It took me some time, but I've learned to re-program myself to not walk to the fridge on auto-pilot whenever I'm panicky or stressed.
PS - This statement...
Quote:
Originally Posted by Shifterred
I just wish I was actually capable of doing something WELL instead of doing all things in a mediocre manner.
...really struck a chord with me. I don't have much else to say about it other than I know how you feel.
Anyway, good luck on your script! I bet once you calm down you'll crank out a good one.
Sorry to hear you had a hard day, sucks! Congrats on not giving in to eating your emotions.
For me - it has been key to my weight loss and sanity to find ways to relieve stress. Exercise, massage, acupuncture, meditation, therapy, and I am always trying something new.
And I refuse to believe you are incapable of doing things well. We are all incapable of doing everything well! But on a better day, try to remind yourself of what you are good at and remember to invest time in developing those things. I always recall this one detail of a book I read - it takes about 10,000 hours of doing something to become an expert. If you havent been doing a given task that long, it is to be expected you are not an expert at it
it takes about 10,000 hours of doing something to become an expert. If you havent been doing a given task that long, it is to be expected you are not an expert at it
Haha, wow! At that rate I'll never be an expert at anything except not being an expert at anything.
So, could your write this script as a dialogue between you and the junkfood? One time my WW leader had this fake conversation on her cell phone, at our meeting with an ice cream bar that was calling her from the freezer, it was hysterical.
I used to think I handled it fairly well. Then I finally realized that it was because I was distancing, shutting down emotionally, and just bottling it up. I've definitely eaten my emotions over the years. Funny thing is, while losing, they're ALL coming out in their negative glory. Many bad experiences, but I didn't let myself feel anything. LOL. I probably could use a session on the psych couch.
I'd rather feel the negativity now and let it go than hold onto it and let it eat away at my soul until it escapes without my permission.
Oh, yuck. I write novels and though I take criticism pretty well, I do NOT take kindly to criticism of my writing. I hand my writing off to a good friend of mine and she always gives it back with all kinds of red. I generally have to put it away for a week while my feathers settle down and then I can pull it out and look at it more objectively. I always find that she was right and my writing is always a thousand times better for it.
I think it is most difficult because we put so much of ourselves into our work. I've always felt like novels were like my children.
without echoig everyone else, i think even if your feeling awful right now your showing so muh strength, u know wat not to do, and your not giving in, well done on that. That is so freking hard when your stressed and crazy. I guesswe have to find a different outlet for these emotions, for these painful days, a few days ago mine was trying to do something different, washing up, walking, any activity but going to the shop and buying choc, or sitting on my bum thinkingabout it.
also if its anyhelp, im a theatre and performance major and although i dont major in script writing as such i may be able to offer helpful advice from the position of a performer on a script. but its only a gentle offer, would hate to be another person offering advice u dont need. good luck , were all here for you
If you write, you will be critiqued. A lot. In workshops, all through school; in front of committees thinking about giving you a grant, or committees thinking about giving you a fellowship, or letting you stay at an artist colony like Yaddo; in publishers' offices, as they decide whether they want your stuff; and particularly in screenwriting, which is part of an intensely collaborative process where people have a lot of freedom to change your material, in a way they don't with, say, a novel or a poem.
You are not your writing. Your writing is an object outside of you that you have produced. When it is critiqued in workshop, assume it's like taking a car that needs some work to the mechanics. They are going to open up the hood & look over the working parts & crawl all over it, in an invasive way, trying to figure out how to make it run better. When they do this, they're not crawling over you but an inanimate object.
That said, people are people, and they behave like herd animals or schools of fish. If they smell blood in the water, they are apt to behave badly -- unless whoever is presiding over the workshop is a very perceptive person who's intent on keeping it a "safe space" where no one is harmed in the making of things.
The safest demeanor for a critique is: 1) Don't speak or show much emotion. Don't ask questions until the very end. If so, make sure they are very pointed questions & things you genuinely want to know, not questions that are disguised as defenses. Don't defend the work. Just don't get into that. 2) Head down, diligently take notes on what people say, even if you are shaking. This is important. When you look at the notes later, without being in the middle of an emotionally fraught situation, you will be able to see that people were not unkind & that things of value were said. 3) Thank the class afterward. People are sensitive & some will want to see that you're okay. It's important for future critiques that you are genuine in thanking them & show them you are good & that your relationship with them is unchanged. Otherwise an adverse reaction will color future critiques, and you want good critiques, not critiques that are self-censored.
Then go home. Put your notes away. Don't re-read them. Yet. Go do something distracting. Not like taking a walk, where you brood. Do cardio to burn off the energy. Then to occupy your mind, see a movie you love. Don't look at the notes for at least three days. Start something new in the meantime. Don't just get stuck on the thing that was critiqued.
Hang in there. It gets easier. The more workshops you go through, the less personal it will feel. It will be just: Oh. Another workshop. Wonder what this mix of personalities will bring to the table?
And I have something here for you. A Billy Collins poem where he makes fun of workshops.
Oh God I'd Love to Eat My Emotions Right Now- Total Rant
I hand my writing off to a good friend of mine and she always gives it back with all kinds of red. I generally have to put it away for a week while my feathers settle down and then I can pull it out and look at it more objectively. I always find that she was right and my writing is always a thousand times better for it.
good luck , were all here for you 
