I was talking to my fiance last night on the phone. He lives in California, and we were talking about his family coming up for the wedding. This also happens to be the first time I've met alot of them.
He proceeds to tell me that he told his brother that I was "a big girl" and not to be "shocked by her size".
Now, I know I am overweight. I'm still technically "obese", but only by a few pounds. But, I really don't think I am shockingly big. I'm really upset about this, and have asked my fiance if he's embarrassed of me. He says "no", but it still hurts.
That is so awful I know the feeling.. my husband will often describe someone we've met in passing as "The bigger girl, long hair?" when it is someone significantly smaller than me, and I think, dude.. WTH does he think about me?! Or various similar comments.
I just figure they're with us.. that means something, right? I also think people that have never had to be concerned with weight give absolutely no thought to using it as an adjective for another, and don't necessarily mean bad things by it.. I tend to think my husband doesn't see me as I see me, too. He makes comments about me specifically that make me think what girl is he looking at, you know?
I agree with asprohe. Just carry yourself with a lot of confidence! You will look GREAT! and it's your day, don't let anyone upset you. If anything, this is the time where you can get away with anything you want! Behavior wise. within reason...
I think we all sort of do that - when we are introducing important, intimate people in our lives to other important, intimate people - such as a partner to your family - we give "precursors" to who they are. For example, I had a boyfriend that had the Michael Jackson skin disease - he had tons of empty pigment spots on his skin... sort of like a dalmatian.
Before I took him to meet my parents I told them about the spots - not because they bother me, I was never embarrassed, but because I wanted to ensure that my parents didn't have some sort of 'surprised look' on their faces..... I wanted the meeting to go really well, and I didn't want either of them to feel awkward.
Maybe you are the first larger girl that he has dated- maybe he hasn't seen his brother in SO long, that his brother only remembers his skinny, teeny bopper girlfriend from his senior year.
I would be mad too - I sympathize with you, but maybe you have to see that he was also trying to make sure the future situation went perfectly, that no one felt awkward. You shouldn't jump to the conclusion that he's embarrassed to have you meet his family - that is a bit far.
In my opinion, what is really happening is that you are transferring your feelings of being embarrassed to meet his family onto him. If he was embarrassed of you, why would he make you the *star, beloved, one and only* female in his life? His actions speak otherwise.
Um, I know this will come out as being harsh, but are there any other red flags in your relationship? I kind of see that as a red flag... I'm sure he has lots of good traits, but what kind of thing is that to say about your future wife????
Um, I know this will come out as being harsh, but are there any other red flags in your relationship? I kind of see that as a red flag... I'm sure he has lots of good traits, but what kind of thing is that to say about your future wife????
Ditto! You need to do some hard thinking about this relationship.
Um, I know this will come out as being harsh, but are there any other red flags in your relationship? I kind of see that as a red flag... I'm sure he has lots of good traits, but what kind of thing is that to say about your future wife????
Agree 100% Those who love us, accept us and do not apologize for our appearance.
A couple of things bother me about this situation...
1) That he actually used the word "shocked". People are generally shocked by horrific, astounding, unbelievable, unheard of things...not someone carrying some extra weight.
2) That he actually told you he said that to his brother. Why would he feel the need to tell you that? I can kind of understand having a conversation with your family about the person you will be introducing them to...but it's rarely necessary to also tell the person you are introducing to them what you told your family, especially if it's something that could be hurtful like that...
Idk. I would be upset and concerned. I'm sure he loves you very much, but he doesn't sound like the most tactful, sensitive man in the world. He sounds quite oblivious, actually, not to be mean...
Um, I know this will come out as being harsh, but are there any other red flags in your relationship? I kind of see that as a red flag... I'm sure he has lots of good traits, but what kind of thing is that to say about your future wife????
I agree with this 100%- I would never marry someone who was embarassed of me or acted embarassed of me. I'd have been furious if I were in your shoes to be honest. I probably would have told him go F himself it's over. BUT that's just me.... (excuse my language but really that infuriates me).
No one should EVER have to apologize or make excuses for the person they are with- if they do then they shouldn't be with them.
He has belittled you as a person, your looks are NOT who you are so why would he tell his brother you were a big girl and not to be shocked? PU-LEASE honey you are not a big girl! I was 190 and 5'3" when I got married! If that makes you "big" at your height then I'm a whale.
I'd re-evaluate your relationship if you really think he's embarassed of you.
He could be a jerk that's not worthy of you, but he could just be a guy.... guys say incredibly stupid things without thinking them through first.
I would suggest talking to him and telling him it bothered you. Either he didn't really think about how it would effect you and it will be a good talk to have, or he won't care how it effected you and then you can start considering if you want to continue forward with him.
I've had a lot of guy friends, and given a lot of advice when they were bonehead morons and didn't understand why their SO was mad at them
2) That he actually told you he said that to his brother. Why would he feel the need to tell you that? I can kind of understand having a conversation with your family about the person you will be introducing them to...but it's rarely necessary to also tell the person you are introducing to them what you told your family, especially if it's something that could be hurtful like that...
This is what I think is really odd too!
If you've got a family that are used to you dating people who are skinny and/or have family members that are really rude about larger people, I can totally understand discreetly saying in advance, by the way, my girlfriend/boyfriend is a little overweight, please don't make them uncomfortable in any way about this. Some people are just tactless about weight, they either make remarks, or stare, even if like you, the person really isn't that heavy at all. I can totally understand someone wanting to tell someone else in advance if they thought they may do something to upset or embarrass that person I was introducing them to. Personally, I don't see that as making an excuse for you or apologising, it could be, but based on the information you shared, there's nothing to suggest that for sure.
I know two friends of mine with disabilities (one is deaf, but you really can't tell, she's an amazing lipreader, and another friend has a "bad leg" and has slightly impaired walking), and if I was introducing them to someone who I thought might put their foot in it, or be tactless in some way, I might just say something casual like "just so you know, X has quite a bad hearing impairment" or "Y has a bad leg" so they didn't stare/make any awkward personal comments (not that I think I know anyone who would do this!).
That said, I just don't understand why you would tell the person that you said this about them to your friend/family member. I just don't see why they'd need to know, because the problem isn't about you, it's (presumably) about the other person's response and trying to pre-empt them being rude or hurtful in some way. Without having any more information about your boyfriend, I'd say that him sharing this information with you was a little tactless or unnecessary. I wouldn't say anything more than that without knowing you and him, and what your relationship was like. I think, in your situation, if I found myself ruminating about it, I'd just ask him why he shared that information with me.
I would tell him that you warned your family how he can be "a giant A**H***" so they wouldn't be "shocked" at the inappropriate things that may come out of his mouth.
Last edited by Shytowngal; 08-05-2010 at 12:51 PM.
I would tell him that you warned your family how he can be "a giant A**H***" so they wouldn't be "shocked" at the inappropriate things that may come out of his mouth.
First, that made me actually laugh out loud.
Second:
Maybe it's me, being loud mouthed and italian, but... If my husband would have said that to me before we got married, he would most likely be walking down the aisle with a limp.
I would be furious. I would have told him a few choice words and hung up. I would have let him call me back. I would think about 'does he make me feel like this all the time?' or 'has he said things like this in the past?' Maybe he's just a "typical guy" - not thinking about things that would hurt you, because they wouldnt hurt his feelings.
It would really make me pause - just to take a look at our relationship, and to see if this is a one time foot-in-mouth thing, or... not. Also, is his family the same way? Because I can tell you it's no cake walk having a super-awesome hubby and having a SUCKY 'why don't you guys loose a lot of weight!' in laws!
I would tell him that you warned your family how he can be "a giant A**H***" so they wouldn't be "shocked" at the inappropriate things that may come out of his mouth.
Fiance embarrassed to have me meet his family
I know the feeling.. my husband will often describe someone we've met in passing as "The bigger girl, long hair?" when it is someone significantly smaller than me, and I think, dude.. WTH does he think about me?! Or various similar comments.
within reason...
