My best friend, Anna, is my height (5'9'') and she's roughly 115 lbs. She's underweight by standards, she knows this but she still feels the need to call herself fat around me.
And she's not the only thin friend of mine who does it.
Yet, when I make a motion to myself, they smile and tell me I'm beautiful and that I'm not fat.
This isn't really my forum, but I saw this on the front page, so I hope you don't mind if I jump in really quick.
Is that behavior annoying? YES!
But I am guilty of it myself at 135 on occasion. It's possible that this girl just has REALLY bad body image and actually does see herself as fat. I've grown up with distorted body image for all my adolescent/adult life, and honestly, when I call myself fat, I'm so focused on myself and how I think I look that I don't think anything negative AT ALL about anyone else, bigger than me or not.
If I had to guess, it isn't intended to be an insult to you... but it is still really frustrating to deal with.
What I hate about this behaviour (which I get all the time from the people around me too) is that it implies that being fat is good enough for me, but it's not good enough for you. Like the bar is lower for me than for other people. If you have bad body image, fine, but the hypocrisy of your standards is infuriating, you know? Grr!
This isn't something that thin girls invented - it's the way all women are taught to look at their bodies - as essentially defective. Mostly because even the thinnest female bodies have soft areas and even cellulite that you never see on celebrities and models. So when we see images of the airbrushed and photoshopped models or the surgically and full-body Spanx-enhanced celebrities, no one can measure up to the the bigger and perkier (perfectly matching) breasts (on emaciated frames), impossibly long legs and necks - proportions that aren't physically possible.
On one hand it's very easy to resent or at least roll our eyes at people who complain about problems that we'd gladly trade. "You think you've got problems," is often the first thought that comes to mind, but I think people need to vent, and sometimes they do so around people they think will understand. And sometimes even because they expect the "oh, no you're not" reassurances.
It's a silly cultural ritual, but I don't take offense anymore. I just laugh and say "I'll trade you," and usually we both get a good laugh at how silly people can be.
My husband did this with a friend the other day. She was complaining about her foot falling asleep (and was kind of going on about how weird it felt), and my hubby laughed and said "I'll trade you - that's how my legs feel all the time," (he has neuropathy). She started to apologize for being insensitve, and my hubby assured her that he wasn't offended, he just was joking about remembering what it was like to complain about something that is now just a fact of life.
I'm not saying I never get annoyed at folks complaining about a situation I wish I could have, but I try to remember it's all perspective. It's like that proverb, "I cried because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet."
Metaphorically, sometimes people without shoes do complain about it to people with no feet. Often it's because they're not looking at the person's feet (even if the "know it," it can be easy to forget when the need to vent arises).
It's miserable to not feel comfortable in your own skin, whether it's because you don't like the way you fit into clothes, you don't like your hair, have a deformity or birthmark that make you self conscious. Anything can make a person feel uncomfortable. And one persons gripes are no more or less justified than anothers gripes.
But I do think that everyone needs to keep check of when and to whom they gripe. I just try to stay positive and not draw attention to those things that make me uncomfortable - that would just make me more uncomfortable!
What I hate about this behaviour (which I get all the time from the people around me too) is that it implies that being fat is good enough for me, but it's not good enough for you. Like the bar is lower for me than for other people. If you have bad body image, fine, but the hypocrisy of your standards is infuriating, you know? Grr!
Sometimes it's actually the opposite, though. I once had a friend who after I told her I thought she was being insensitive, told me that it was "different" for me, that I was "lucky" because I was "smart, confident, funny, and creative," that is I had more going for me, that my weight was only part of the package, so I didn't have to rely on it as much. She thought she only had her looks, and brought absolutley nothing else to the table.
To a degree she made it a self-fufilling prophecy. She complained so much about how little she had to offer, that she convinced you that she was right. It's hard to be friends with someone who doesn't like anything about themselves. They act like you must be crazy to spend time with them, and eventually you start thinking the same thing.
To a degree she made it a self-fufilling prophecy.
I remember when a friend of mine asked me how I was. He was married with 3 beautiful kids. I was single. I admitted, "I'm lonely." and he said "I'll trade you." I thought it was a very insensitive response.
Fast forward 7 years. He's now divorced and lonely. I'm happily married with 3 beautiful children.
Tell your friend to be careful with her words-- they have power! And maybe telling her "I'll trade you" will get you more than you both bargained for, LOL!
I totally agree- in this society, women are trained to hate their bodies, and it doesn't have much to do with weight. And it's entirely personal- it really doesn't have anything to do with you and your body. Hating other women's bodies isn't even on most women's radar. It's like we can actually see how beautiful the people we love and care about are, but it's totally transgressive to see ourselves that way.
I know it can be annoying, but everyone's got their own issues, and it's probably not really about you.
Whether I was fat or thin, I have always hated talking with women who obsess over their weight. To me, this whole thing is a very private issue, to be discussed with personal close friends or in places like this or on personal blogs.
But to sit down with women in a lunchroom and hear about body talk and crazy diets and I feel irritated. Mostly because women are conditioned to feel as though they cannot be accepted unless they are apologetic about their eating or their weight.
Even though I am personally working on a goal to get to a normal weight, I have no desire to make it a topic of conversation with anyone but my husband or a very close friend. When I am a normal weight again, I will refuse to discuss body and diet talk completely. As a woman, there are far more important and interesting things to discuss.
Sorry, but the subject always hits my irritation button.
Skinnies complaining about being fat.
