I know we can't force someone else in our life to lose weight. I see these types of posts a lot. I guess I'm just posting this to vent.
My DH and I are both overweight...well obese. We were both waiting for our own "preset" start diet dates. Meaning I wanted to wait until after I had the baby and he wanted to wait until he was done with some stressful things which he new ended yesterday. So even though I started a little before him, he was going to start today.
But I kind of knew this wasn't going to happen. His idea of a diet is instead of eating a whole pizza, he'll just eat 1/2. Also, I've been cooking healthier and he is almost annoyed by it.
A few nights ago, I made burrito type wraps. They had rice, beans a huge amount of a big assortment of veggies. Also I bought this awesome salsa. And whole wheat tortillas. Well my husband sulked and moped and didn't even sit down at the table until after my son and I had been eating for like 15 minutes because dinner was "boring" without the cheese and sour cream. Now don't get me wrong, we HAD cheese for the torillas, and I THOUGHT we had some left, but my husband ate it all on other things.
Also I made another dinner the following night (rice was from left overs) so he got a hamburger, veggies, and about a cup of rice (what was left from torilla rice) But he's so used to eating such huge portions ( like 4-5 cups of rice) that he carried the rice (in a tupperwear) to me to ask if this was all I made because its so little.
Now today I asked him if he's going to start losing weight with me. And he's like "yeah I need to lose weight". Again I offered to help. He sees the progress I've made. (today I weighed 211, but only Sunday is official so I won't change the ticker yet) And he's like, I know how...then proceeds to eat 4 eggs, and 2 pieces of toast drowned in butter and "his cup" of apple juice. My husband has his own cup, because all the cups in the house are "too small" for him...his cup I believe holds about a liter of liquid, seriously its like a bucket!!
It just upsets me that he does this. He is such a motivated person in other areas of his life. And very educated in medicine and health. I know he has an addiction to food. And he knows too. If he doesn't get to eat what he wants and as much as he wants, he gets irritable and short tempered. And while eating or shortly after, he's a nicer person. Its just his weight, over 100lbs heavier than when I met him, it so high that he can't do the things he used to. And we are young still!! Honestly, bedroom time though nonexistant now since we have a 3 week old, is no fun with him at this weight. Even when I lost weight before this pregnancy, I noticed how boring sex is. (sorry if TMI) He just lays there. He's too big and tired to do the things he used to do in the bedroom. And some positions have gotten difficult. And I don't ever tell him this because that's just cruel. I'm no Gwenith Paltrow, so who I'm I to tell him I wish he was just a little thinner. And I'm not in to thin guys , dont get me wrong, I'm not saying I wouldnt be saticfied unless he was buff and cut, I just wish he was a little closer to a comfortable weight, as he tells me every day how uncomfortable he is. How it hurts his knees, and it so hard to stand up and walk.
But he's just not ready to commit to weightloss.
Last edited by GlamourGirl827; 06-16-2010 at 10:35 AM.
Unfortunately the more you push the more he might pull back. Jillian Michaels mentions a lot about this in her books and on TBL. Actually, I think your best bet is to just keep focusing on yourself full speed ahead! Keep blasting through your weight loss and change your life, and actually I wouldn't mention anything to him about what he eats. Maybe make him his 4-5 cups of rice if he asks for it. I am sure he will be so surprised by your 'hands off' approach that he might start looking more inward, seeing that it's his own choice and not you trying to change things (not that you're trying to change things, b/c he mentioned he wants your help in the first place, but he might feel imaginary pressure). Does that make sense? hehe.
Well, I'd be blunt and ask him, if he is honest about wanting to lose weight, why he won't listen to your advice. Does he understand completely what's going on? I mean, do you tell him how many extra calories he's consuming? Do you explain how nutrionally heavy (verus void) foods make a difference? Why portion size matters?
Here's how I approach weight loss with my husband: I never ask him if he wants to lose weight. But I tell him what I need to do. I talk about the things I've learned. He can then decide whether to follow me or not. I arm him with the information he needs, and let him decide what to do with it. I do not force anything on him. I've told him before we can do seperate dinners, or he can go back for something else if my dinner idea is too light. The other day, we were at the store and he wanted to get a 12 pack of regular soda, a new version of a standard. I just reminded him that it was empty carbs, he nodded his head and said, "I know, but I want to try it." His decision, not mine. I respected it.
I guess I'm saying, try to be a little more subtle. Make him feel like he's controlling his choices, give him the information he needs to make the choices, and hopefully he'll start making the right ones.
I hope that made sense. I feel a bit rambly today.
I agree: you just don't have to power to make him do this, and if you try, you'll intertwine this whole situation with emotions and get it all tangled up in your relationship--which you really don't want. Losing weight is hard enough without making every food choice into a comment on whether or not you really love each other, and that's what it will turn into if you nag. Nothing is worth that. It'd honestly be better to leave, I think, that have a marriage where food--the most basic and constant of factors--was a constant battleground, where it always meant something beyond itself.
You can ask him if he wants advice, you can make suggestions, you can praise and support, but don't get emotionally involved: don't get angry with him for not wanting what you want him to want, don't try to make him feel guilty--I mean, would that motivate you? He will come to it in his own time.
People talk about unconditional love, but this is what unconditional love means. You can be concerned about his health, you can want him to lose weight, and you can tell him those things, but you can't make your affection, your esteem, or your approval contingent upon his eating choices. It just never works out.
This is something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately. I’m not married or even in a serious relationship right now but…
I think we all have, to a certain extent, a responsibility to at least attempt to take care of ourselves for our partners. The way I look at it, it goes beyond a superficial issue. It’s: If you keep eating like that, I’ll be a widow by 50. I would never have looked at this way until I lost weight, but if and when I get married, I will definitely expect my partner to make efforts to maintain a healthy weight and/or lifestyle out of consideration for himself, me and any children we may have.
And as awful as it sounds, who really WANTS to get married to someone who is going to gain 100 pounds like that? Is that anything we’d sign up for? It’s unfair. “We’re married, you have to love me unconditionally, so I can eat whatever I want and be as fat as I want and if you say anything about it, you’re nagging.” I know a lot of guys can be jerks about it, but I really don’t blame men who get frustrated with their wives for gaining a lot of weight after marriage. It’s like a bait and switch and it’s messed up. Sexual attraction is a considerable component in any relationship. And yes, that attraction will fluctuate over time, but it doesn’t mean it’s okay to totally let yourself go and then expect your partner to be all understanding about it and still want you. We shouldn’t take such full advantage of “for better or worse” just so we can eat as much junk as we want.
It’s unattractive to watch someone stuff their face and gain weight, no matter how much you love them. Just like it would be unattractive if he became an alcoholic and smelled like alcohol all the time and stopped caring about his appearance or slept all day.
Yes, it’s his choice. And you can’t force him. But don’t feel bad for wanting him to change. Of course his significant weight gain has affected your sex life and that’s not okay. Of course he’s tired and his knees hurt and that’s not okay either. You love him and want the best for him, you want a partner that takes care of themselves because it is a priority to himself and to keep himself around for a while.
Ever thought about making him cook his own crappy meals? That way you aren’t the one directly “feeding” him, but you also aren’t forcing him to eat healthily. Just a thought.
But he's so used to eating such huge portions ( like 4-5 cups of rice) that he carried the rice (in a tupperwear) to me to ask if this was all I made because its so little.
My husband has his own cup, because all the cups in the house are "too small" for him...his cup I believe holds about a liter of liquid, seriously its like a bucket!!
If he doesn't get to eat what he wants and as much as he wants, he gets irritable and short tempered. And while eating or shortly after, he's a nicer person.
When was his last physical? Is he insulin resistant or Type II diabetic? Because if he is, and he's not getting all that under control, he's not going to feel ok dieting.
From the above I think he's got a "fullness/satiety" problem, and for me, I know it stems from my IR. Maybe it is the same for him. I just don't know that he'd have the desire or be successful without taking care of this if it is undiagnosed.
As you can see from the bottom of my signature, my family has taken this on, but it started with me and me alone. DH was like yours...he wanted to lose weight but he didn't want to actually put any effort into it. He complained about the meals I cooked and at first was going out for fast food at lunch time because he knew dinner was going to be sparse. Once my weight loss really took off, he got jealous and was onboard within a month.
He's been slower all along the way, but weight loss is easier for him, so his weight loss has been on par with mine, always about 10 pounds behind me. He's not as strict as me, he doesn't exercise nearly as much and he relies on me for what he eats...sigh. But he's doing it his way.
We had a huge break through yesterday!! He actually said the words, "Do not buy bread because it's a trigger for me." What?! Really?! He finally figured out that two slices of toast with butter and jelly for breakfast and a late night snack was not helping!! It only took seven months!! LOL!
In other words...he'll become jealous of you and likely he'll jump in his own way in his own time. Men are funny.
I understand what you are saying, but when someone isn't what you want them to be in a relationship, your choices are to leave or to accept it (even if you wish it were different), not to try to nag them until they change. It just isn't worth the damage it does to your relationship.
Ask any spouse of an alcoholic: nagging and begging and pleading and cajoling don't work. You have to stop enabling behavior you don't like (as you point out, it's reasonable to refuse to cook unhealthy meals), and after that you just have to decide whether or not you can stay with them as they are--because as much as you might like to change them, only they can make that choice.
And yeah, I'd rather have my husband leave me because I was fat than to spend 20 years feeling guilt and shame at every meal and every glimpse in the mirror, 20 years hiding my food and lying about what I ate. And nagging someone to change will get you exactly these behaviors.
My SO could definitely stand to lose a few pounds. He went from having six pack abs when we met to having a keg now! He eats way too large portions, and drinks beer too. I don't comment on it, of course I notice it, but I don't want him to feel free to comment on my appearance either. I gained WAY more weight since we met than he did.
In regard to meals, I am the cook. There are a couple of dishes that he handles on his own, but majority of the cooking is done by me. I don't ask everyone what they want for dinner, I just pick and choose from the pantry/freezer and put it on the table. Everyone gets input when we're shopping, so we might have spaghetti one night by request from my dd, or we might have seafood on the weekend per SO's request.
If he doesn't like/want what I cooked he usually just shuts up and eats it anyway. He might go back for seconds or he might go and get himself something else. I don't let this hurt my feelings, because I've cooked the heatlhy option and offered it to him. Just like a child, you put the food out there, the decision is his. If he's hungry enough, he'll eat it. If not, he'll forage.
Either way, he's a grown up and ultimately HE is the only one responsible for his health/appearance. As much as it might hurt us to see them practicing self destructive behavior, we can only offer the best option and let them work it out for themselves. Nagging, bullying, whining, crying, guilt-trips, none of that works (on my SO, anyway) but putting the facts out there and letting him come to the conclusions on his own has worked for me in the past.
My husband is the same way, only maybe a little bit worse
He's been saying how he "needs" to lose weight and "wants" to lose weight, and I've tried & tried & tried to get him to join me in SOME kind of exercise... he says he will, but then the day comes that we've planned to ride bikes, go to karate class, walk the beach, whatever... and he just DOESN'T. It is soooo irritating!!!
At least he IS eating healthier food in general, because I am & that's the food that's brought into the house, but he still eats unreal portion amounts & has 2nds, etc. And he "sneaks in" things like Snickers bars, etc... And when he eats that way, it's very hard for me NOT to do the same (esp at TOM!!!)
I finally got him to make an appt w/the doc to get a physical, & at least see where he stands with everything.... he's 5'9" and a very stocky-built man, and his weight is 233, (he's pretty good at around 180) and his tri-gly's are high, blood pressure was high, cholest. WAY high, etc.
I really want to help him, but I realize nothing I do or say will make a difference - I can support him - but only he can do the work, and he has to make up his mind to actually DO something.
On the FLIP side of that coin... I ask for his support, and he SAYS he totally supports me, but the man will NOT get off his *** to go walk with me or do much of anything. I swear, sometimes I just wanna whoop him! I truly don't know what else to do.
Sooo...her options are a) get a divorce or b) accept his obesity and complete lack of regard for his health and the future well being of his family? (Because yes, his health will absolutely impact the future well being of his family). All to avoid...."nagging"? Hmm.
Sooo...her options are a) get a divorce or b) accept his obesity and complete lack of regard for his health and the future well being of his family? (Because yes, his health will absolutely impact the future well being of his family). All to avoid...."nagging"? Hmm.
I think that most people are saying "provide the healthy option, be a healthy role model, then back off and let him make the decision", not "just accept it". The problem is, nagging really, truly does not work to change someone's eating habits. I have seen this in my own family, particularly with my dad...the more nagging, the more defiance (Haha, we're fighting and you want me to eat healthy, so I'm going to get a giant bag of fast food) and food hiding (wife nags me every time I eat dessert, so after she goes to bed, I'm going to eat a giant bowl of ice cream and 12 cookies, because who knows when I'll be able to eat ice cream again without hearing about it).
It isn't "Accept it and have it stay the same" vs "nag about it and have it change". Nagging won't make it change, and accepting it won't necessarily make it stay the same. Seems to me that being a positive model of healthy choices, making healthy options readily available, offering opportunities for exercise, etc, all while making it your husband's choice and without judging/criticizing food choices will ultimately provide the most opportunity for a healthier life for you both without resentment.
Sooo...her options are a) get a divorce or b) accept his obesity and complete lack of regard for his health and the future well being of his family? (Because yes, his health will absolutely impact the future well being of his family). All to avoid...."nagging"? Hmm.
Pretty much. She can encourage him to change, but she can't get emotionally involved in it. She can refuse to enable him, as you said, by not cooking him unhealthy food, or getting him medicine when he has indigestion, or silently buying him bigger pants so that he doesn't have to face up to the fact that he needs them. She can tell him the truth if he asks.
Have you had someone play food police in your life? Sigh when you open the fridge door? Give you a look when they get in the car and there is a McDonald's bag on the floor? Ask you, ever so casually, what you ate on a business dinner? It's toxic to a relationship, and even that might be worth it--ruining your relationship to save a loved one's life--but it doesn't work. It just creates guilt and shame, and those make people miserable and rebellious. And how do you come back from that? With alcohol and drugs, you can quit, but eating is always a part of the relationship.
I could be 115 pounds and I still couldn't eat comfortably in front of my Grandmother, because I know she will always be judging what I eat--if I am fat, it just goes to show, and if I am thin, it's a sign of things to come. I cannot imagine allowing that sort of thing into my marital relationship and having to deal with it every day. That would taint a family worse than anything.
I believe in communication when it comes to a healthy relationship. I think you should have a serious conversation with your husband in a very calm way of course.
I'm having a similar problem with my bf right now. He was 240 and got down to 212 but now he's like slacking off so much to the point he's gone up to 218 and will yo-yo between 212-218. He wants to get below 200 (he's 5'10-5'11 and muscular).
I had a real conversation with my bf where I basically asked him if he was serious about losing weight. He said no and that was the end of it.
I'm the cook and the food stocker so I cook healthy food and only have healthy options in the house. I cook a lot of vegetables and cut a lot of fruit that's readily available for my dear bf. His problem is his lack of exercise and lack of control over portions. I'm hoping eventually he'll buckle down and get serious but right now I think because his bloodwork and everything is normal (he's young) he's not very serious about the whole thing.
I understand how annoying it is though and sometimes I just want to scream at him ARE YOU A CHILD? GROW UP and take some responsibility for your health! But I realize I'm projecting my own frustration with my journey onto him who's living this carefree life.
I hope you find a solution! Good luck. If you find something that works I'd love to find out more!
No, I definitely understand that constantly harassing with someone or annoying them about something like that is not effective. And that ultimately, it has to be his decision. I just don't think that means sitting back and doing nothing, watch his demise. It's like, whatever you do, don't say ANYTHING! Lol.
Not trying to be contrary today, I promise. Lol. I see what everyone is saying. Glam, I hope he can get on the right track soon for your sake and his!
Vent - DH and weight loss
) He just lays there. He's too big and tired to do the things he used to do in the bedroom. And some positions have gotten difficult. And I don't ever tell him this because that's just cruel. I'm no Gwenith Paltrow, so who I'm I to tell him I wish he was just a little thinner. And I'm not in to thin guys , dont get me wrong, I'm not saying I wouldnt be saticfied unless he was buff and cut, I just wish he was a little closer to a comfortable weight, as he tells me every day how uncomfortable he is. How it hurts his knees, and it so hard to stand up and walk. 
But he's doing it his way. 
I truly don't know what else to do. 
