Every once in a while, I go to a certain chain store and try on clothes-- it's nearby and it carries both plus and regular sizes....
The day I bought my first size 20 jeans there, when I was about 245 I think, I was a really great day. I could BARELY zip them, and the when I wore them, everyone in the family noticed how much thinner I looked. I almost cried when I bought 18s... the last time I went to the store, the 18s were getting too big, but as soon as I crossed over to the non-women's size 16 I couldn't squeeze my butt into them. Last time I tried was about 20 lbs and a lot of exercise ago.
So, yesterday, I decided to try on clothes again... went to the store and grabbed some 16s and 14s.... The 16s fit... AND so did the 14s-- although both the 16s and the 14s didn't look that great-- they both pulled a little at the waist band... the 14s fit better though the legs and butt than the 16s.
Well, I've heard all kinds of stories here of people crying in the dressing room when they hit "normal" sizes... but I felt really weird and kind of depressed.
Throughout my teens and most of my twenties, I spent a lot of time bouncing between a 14 and a 16 and I always felt really fat and hated how I looked. Of course, in those days, I think a 14 and a 16 must have been a little smaller because that was the size I wore at 160-165 lbs.
So, when I stood in that dressing room yesterday, I was irrationally thinking that I had lost almost 100 lbs just to end up looking in the mirror to see that same miserable teen who didn't fit quite right into a 14. (although, obviously, I'm no longer a teen, I'm in my late forties and have four kids!)
I mean, most of the time, I feel really terrific and there is NO COMPARISON between the new me and the 295 lb me... but then, I have these moments....
Uber, this happens at all sizes--believe me. I often find myself between sizes and usually take it as a sign that the clothing item is just not right for me regardless of what the number inside says. You are doing amazing and only good things are in store for you!
Oh yes, totally. I still find shopping to be VERY depressing for the most part, especially for pants. I look in the mirror and I don't see a woman who's lost a pile of weight, but a woman who still has a long way to go. Even though I'm in "normal" sizes (and I agree, 12s and 14s seem a LOT bigger than they used to be) I'm just not happy with what I see. I too am between sizes right now and it's awful--not a lot of size 13s out there.
Know what's weird? I always get this "craving" to shop around PMS time and that's the WORST time to shop, you know? Yet it's like I can't help myself. I'll try stuff on and think I look crappy and feel so...low. It's a good thing that I don't then comfort myself with junk food, but man...I've gotta steer clear of malls near AF!
Last edited by ChrissyBean; 06-09-2010 at 10:10 AM.
Sixteen is the worst size. We've talked about this here before--you go from feeling like a skinny fat person to feeling like a fat normal person and it's horrible. Before, you were comparing yourself to "the old you" and you look great! Now, you are comparing yourself to an idealized vision of you--probably a 6/8--and you look worse.
The next 20-30 pounds are amazing. TRUST ME. You are about to hit the range where every five pounds makes a significant difference, and it is awesome. I hit this exact same slump and it bummed the **** out of me, but it really will get better.
Sometimes I think you and I are living parallel lives. I'm having a nasty time with body image this week. Saturday I hiked a mountain trail marked strenous and had a couple at the summit take my picture next to the elevation sign. Planned on sending the picture to a few friends and family. My 50 year old eyes can't really see the details of the picture on the digital camera so I didn't really get a good view of the picture until I uploaded it.
And my eyes immediately went to the fact that seams of my bra show on the tank top that is pulling across my breasts because no matter what my weight my shoulders and waist want one size shirt while the boobs insist on 2 sizes larger. And then I started picking apart the rest of my appearance.
I went from feeling all fit and accomplished to seeing that I'm likely not going to be satisfied when I reach my original goal of losing 100 lbs. A bit annoyed at myself right now for my attitude so made myself look at the picture again and note the healthy legs that carried me up and down that mountain and the sweat that shows me I did it anyway even though the day was hot and muggy.
Shmead-- I'm sure you're right... I kept thinking that when I could actually wear a 14 I would be content, but wearing a 14 just seemed to accentuate my body flaws...
Caryesings I SO know what you mean! I bought this really cute dress recently, and I was so excited that I took a picture of myself wearing it. But in the meantime one of my kids made a typical teenage "yuck" comment and all of a sudden, the pictures looked AWFUL!
Obviously, I still have some emotional work to do around the body image issues...
Maybe morbid obesity was sort of a refuge in a way-- I just got so durned fat that I took myself out of the race to sit on the sidelines...
Maybe morbid obesity was sort of a refuge in a way -- I just got so durned fat that I took myself out of the race to sit on the sidelines...
Ah, yes, yes, that's what I found myself thinking while reading that.
It's not easy to be a woman, and it's even harder when you're driven to excel in one aspect of femininity at least & also be an attractive woman, as defined by our culture.
I believe sometimes that being fat was my way of saying, "No, I'm NOT going to take on that task, too. There's only so much I can manage."
And also of saying, "If I can't be beautiful, I'm not even going to try. Just don't look at me. Don't expect anything from me. What you're going to get from me won't be looks, but it may be brains, wit, competence at other things."
I'm still struggling with being back in the so-called competition. My problem now is also that while I was off being fat, on the sidelines, I also got older.
Uber,
Yep, I can relate. I often have to remind myself how much better everything is. I still have so much fat on me that it is easy to forget how much better I look. My issue is my tops. My upper arms are sooooooo big. I could wear at least one size smaller in tops if they were in proportion to the rest of my upper body. I am in normal size 16 pants but still have to go to the women's area for shirts.
To keep it all in prospective, I have to remember that there was a time that I could not find a shirt in the woman's area and had to either get them online or at Catherine's. An 1XL sure beats a 5XL!
Oh, I already know I'm going to have some body image demons to fight as I get close to goal. For me, size 14 was as high as my "high" ever went as my former self, and those were, of course fat clothes. Then I got pregnant and went up, up, up. So that's my dividing line. From 20 down to 14, yeah, I'm doing great! From 14 down...meh, I've got a long way to go. I had a day in my 14's where I got to feel great before the old teenage eyes came out, and those teenage eyes wondered where on earth that baby saggy belly came from. Rude awakening for her, I can tell you!
But I remember being in a size 3 and not only feeling fat, but insisting the clothing in that store was all marked wrong. I could not see myself as thin then and I know I will not as an adult either. So I've had to re-wire my brain about that all along this journey.
You've done it already yourself. You're just having one of those days, I think. I've had to re-focus on my old-standby, exercise...the one thing I have complete control over and the one thing I personally always feel victorious at, always, always, always. So when I am feeling fat, and I may always feel fat, who knows...I fall back on looking at what I can DO.
And my eyes immediately went to the fact that seams of my bra show on the tank top that is pulling across my breasts because no matter what my weight my shoulders and waist want one size shirt while the boobs insist on 2 sizes larger. And then I started picking apart the rest of my appearance.
On What Not To Wear, they talk about having things like t-shirts altered to fit for women in this situation. I've always scoffed because I'm too cheap to spend $10 on a t-shirt and then another $10 to get it altered. But I'm thinking that eventually, at a stable goal weight, I may have to invest in some nicer clothing and get it altered to fit properly. Even t-shirts!
Yeah. Sometimes (usually during PMS), I get into some new clothing size all excited, look in the mirror, and go, "I lost 77 pounds, and THIS is all I get??" Ugh.
I'm finding it hard to not STOP at the "hey it goes around me" and then BUY it just because of that!! Soooo many years, that was my only criteria -- that it's not tight, sleeves long enough, not too baggy either, decent length, nice colour. I NEVER would analyze whether it was particularly flattering to any part of me, just tha i was covered and professional looking, and not sloppy. NOW I stand there and turn and go to the 3way mirror and think GAH tha's not going to work!! lol it's a weird change in mind-set that's for sure!
I think you're in the worst clothing dilemna tho, too small for the plus size which makes you feel GREAT but then not all of the smaller 'regular' clothes are the most flattering! gah! you'll get there tho, keep on truckin' and remember when you find something awesome get TWO!
That's what I LOVE about this place. You ladies really do understand! a
Quote:
Originally Posted by saef
And also of saying, "If I can't be beautiful, I'm not even going to try. Just don't look at me. Don't expect anything from me. What you're going to get from me won't be looks, but it may be brains, wit, competence at other things."
Well, girl you absolutely nailed it. I know, it sounds completely crazy, but I was such a nut case over-driven high achiever type, and I never felt like I high achieved at beauty. I remember thinking that I could not live up to my parents' expectations to be tall, bony thin, flat-chested, built like a long-distance runner, and have perfectly straight thin blonde hair. Why did I want to look like that? Well, because whenever my Mom and Dad praised a girl for being "pretty" it was always someone who didn't look A THING like me (tall, athletic-looking like a linebacker not a distance runner, thick frizzy brown hair...)
ElianaI know, right? Why is it more exciting to go from a 20 to and 18 and less exciting to go from an 18 to a 14? Because a fourteen is chunky/normal... and Lord Knows that being chunky/normal was the beginning of all my trouble in the first place.
TrazeyLOL!! It was all I could do not to buy those size 14 capris... They were pulled a little at the waist band but with my shirt untucked they looked quite nice. And after all, they were FOURTEENS... but then I thought, wait a minute-- I don't have to wear an untucked shirt all the time any more. Why on earth would I BUY a NEW pair of pants unless they look good... then I thought "because I'm desperate, because nothing fits and nothing ever fits because I'm ENORMOUS." And then I reminded myself that that is ridiculous!
Lyn And FORGET when I'm bloated.... My waist is now about 36" (35 if I pull the tape real tight) but man, I can still bloat right up to 40". I HATE that!
I'm still struggling with being back in the so-called competition. My problem now is also that while I was off being fat, on the sidelines, I also got older.
I hear you on this one! I will say that being older helps me too, I still care about how I look but I'm able to have a more balanced take on the whole spiel. I'm still packing quite a few extra pounds, so that issue continues to haunt me in my efforts to get a handle on this weight thing. That may sound contradictory, but it is true.
I hear you on this one! I will say that being older helps me too, I still care about how I look but I'm able to have a more balanced take on the whole spiel. I'm still packing quite a few extra pounds, so that issue continues to haunt me in my efforts to get a handle on this weight thing. That may sound contradictory, but it is true.
You guys think YOU got older-- how 'bout I went "in" to morbid obesity at age 29 and came out as a FORTY-NINE YEAR OLD
Clothing, sizes, and body ambivalence...
Rude awakening for her, I can tell you! 
You're just having one of those days, I think. I've had to re-focus on my old-standby, exercise...the one thing I have complete control over and the one thing I personally always feel victorious at, always, always, always. So when I am feeling fat, and I may always feel fat, who knows...I fall back on looking at what I can DO.
I will say that being older helps me too, I still care about how I look but I'm able to have a more balanced take on the whole spiel. I'm still packing quite a few extra pounds, so that issue continues to haunt me in my efforts to get a handle on this weight thing. That may sound contradictory, but it is true.
