So I'm about to be 40 and I'm single. Again. It's not like I ever really dated much, but this is the second long-term relationship where the guy was all "I love you! You're the one! Let's get Married!" and then backed out.
I stuck it out with this guy for over a year. It wasn't a good fit. But oh how I wanted it to be. I finally broke up with him today after he bailed on plans for the 100th time.
But I kind of feel like this was my last chance. I've never been pretty. Or thin. Or had the kind of personality that drew guys.
Part of me hung around so long because I feel like I should take what I can get. I realize that's not the way you're supposed to feel, but that's what I've been told my whole life.
What makes it harder is that I used to be really social and fun and outgoing. But in the past five years all (and I mean all) of my friends have gotten married and had kids. So I never see them anymore. Now that I'm not seeing this guy, I will literally be spending 90 percent of my time alone.
Anyway, I know this isn't specifically about weight loss. I'm just in that "I'm horrendously fat and no one will love me" space and needed to share.
P.S. Miraculously, I have not eaten a cake. Or chips. Or a vat of mashed potatoes. I have none of those things in the house. I had a smoothie with a pear, protein, fiber, vanilla yogurt and water, a fiber one bar and a turkey sandwich on whole wheat with honey mustard and light provolone.
And I worked out. Of course, I burst into tears doing rows at the gym, but damned if I wasn't doing 25 pound rows on each arm while sobbing.
I'm so sorry you feel that way I know it is cliche, but I think you really do need to love yourself. Also, getting over a relationship is difficult, give yourself time. Do some things for yourself, possibly things you couldn't do while in the relationship?
I learned a long time ago that relationships and love don't have to with our weight. I knew my husband at my highest weight, but had lost 70 lbs when we discussed dating eachother. He was living in a different city and didn't know I had lost weight even though I was still near 300 lbs. I had a bit of a hard time believing he was truly into me but he was.
I grew up wondering though why women my size or bigger always seemed to have no trouble with men while I did but honestly, I was filled with a lot of self hate and I was really closed off. I also wasn't willing to 'settle' and dropped guys quickly that I wasn't interested in.
Anyway I know its a bunch of rambling but *hugs* It can be hard to figure out how to date and to find someone but let yourself heal a little and give yourself some time and then allow yourself to be open to a relationship which you truly deserve.
Now is the time to concentrate on YOU. Let your healthy eating and working out become your way of life, your every concern. Let it consume you and become you and feel how it heals you.
When you start feeling better and better as you lose weight and gain confidence, you WILL realize a lot of things about yourself and even about men. And you won't be single forever, I guarantee that. As Nelie said above, there are guys out there that will love you for who you are.... but it's a LOT easier to find one who loves you when you like yourself! And hey... 40 is the new 30. I have PLENTY of lady friends that were in their mid to late 40's who found AMAZING guys and got the marriage they were looking for! So, until THAT happens.... just be you. Just make you into the you that YOU want to be.....
TOO MUCH MOXIE-I feel every ounce of pain you are feeling right now! NEVER feel alone in those feelings! I have scared friends with my self hatred...Even recently, hating myself enough to accept abuse from a mate...and crying until I puked. YOU DID IT! You got rid of the negative man...Because you LOVE yourself. Just doing that proves that you know you are worth more! So take your own advice...You are worthy of LOVE. REAL LOVE. And that has nothing to do with your weight. Once you are able to wake up every day and say "I am worthy and deserving of love, and I was created by love and to be loved"...That is when real love will find you! Best of luck! Remember...you were never, and are never unloved.
I know the feeling toomuchmoxie. I haven't had a boyfriend in about seven years or so. There have been guys but they didn't last long. I feel like I have to be confident in myself before I can be in a relationship. I don't know if I'll ever be there 100% but it's getting better with every pound lost. I'm starting to see I CAN lose this weight, and this will probably be one of the hardest things I ever do - asking a guy out is nothing compared to this! Recently I've been a little more open to catching someone's eye and actually smiling, not avoiding eye contact and being embarrassed because I think they are thinking about how fat I am. I agree with the above, love yourself and the rest will come.
Hang in there Moxie. You had the courage to end the relationship. You didn't run out and get junk food to console yourself. Take it from someone who "settled" you don't do yourself any favors if you settle. Take this time for yourself and get out of your shell. Take a class in a subject your interested in. Learn a new language, get a journal and vent. Be yourself. Be proud. You are an amazing woman.
I agree with all the great advice everyone's given. HUGS to you. When I got divorced, I felt very lonely at first - but it got better over time. Learn to love yourself for the great person you are, no matter what you weigh. I know it's not easy at first - I'm trying to do it too!
I agree with what everyone has said! I have been in the same situation before but you know what? I have had my skinny drop dead gorgeous friends have guys they have dated forever be jerks to them , cheat, make plans that they never keep. I think sometimes just in general some men are just not good dating material no matter what you look like or who you are. Now I am not putting down all men but I always say I'd rather have a man love me if I was skinny or heavier than someone who was superficial and only cared about looks. It is tough hang in there and I swear there is a man out there just waiting for you
One of the biggest mistake I can think of when it comes to love is to settle, I'm happy that you didn't, even though you hoped for it to work but if the both of you pushed for it to work without you being 100% satisfied, you wouldn't be able to be happy in the end. And you didn't use that as an excuse to pig out, good for you! You're a strong woman! I know I would've reached for ice cream and cheesecake. As for men and fat women, I think we focus on how out of shape we are that we don't realize that men do in fact go after us, we sometimes fail to see other men's interest because we are so fixate on our low self esteem. Well, not speaking for everyone but this happens a lot with my sister and I. You'll find someone that fits you like a glove. And it's ok to sob, let it all out, give yourself some time to grieve and then work on your future, one foot in front of the other. =D
I think it is amazing that you have been through so much pain and still keep to your food plan and keep on rowing. Wow!!!
I am recently divorced and know what the pain feels like. But I also know that I am better off without a man who doesn't love me, without a man who drags me down. You can use this time to appreciate the freedom to work on loving yourself and treating yourself right and being your own best friend.
I can also tell you that you are way ahead of me - I have not yet lost 20 pounds. I'm so happy for you!!
I just wanted to send along a big hug too! and a big "you're a ROCK STAR" for sticking to your plan no matter what!!!
How weird that a co-worker was in my office yesterday saying the same thing! And an interesting FYI, yes she’s 40 as well, but she’s frickin’ Demi Moore! Always thin and gorgeous but feels she has to settle for some weird reason. I don’t think it’s a fat girl issue per se, it’s not like every thin girl is living a Disney fairy tale. Our personalities and self esteem dictate a lot of these things.
I dated a guy when I was about 18 or so, and he tried to get me into bed after 2 dates and I looked at him like “WTF?” and he mumbled “oh I just assumed….” And I said WHAT? The notion that because a girl is bigger, therefore she must ho herself out to be accepted is so ugly and wrong and horrifying! Ergh!
I’m so proud that you stood UP and said NO to this clown! That’s the first step in saying “I’m worth MORE”. Like a lot of others have said, take some time to be alone and grieve for the end of a relationship, work on yourself and your needs and then who knows, you just might bump into love
Ps. On a personal note, I asked my hubby ONCE and only once why he picked me??? Why me when you could have a thin hot girl??? And he said I was the most gorgeous thing in the world to him (awwwwwwwwwww) and that when he met me he thought to himself “hmmm I wonder if this girl has a big appetite….for everything” mwahahahahha evil laugh hhahahahahah
First off...
Secondly, I think many of us, women of all ages, can understand how you feel. I'm 26, going on 27 this year, and I swear I feel like I have the romantic life of a 99 year old woman.
I'm at a place now, though, where I don't want to date anyone. Sure, it would be nice to not always be the only single person at social outings with my friends... BUT, and this is a huge but, I really know I need to work on myself first and foremost right now. This is MY time!!! Make this your time, too. Take time for yourself. Get to know yourself. When was the last time you did something just for you? Take some selfish time... work on some hobbies you have been neglecting, rediscover your passions. I know for me atleast with gaining weight and feeling depressed I just sort of stopped living. I stopped being me. I stopped doing the things I love... so now I am working on getting back into my favorite pastimes. Furthermore, I truly believe you need to love yourself before you can let someone in and love them/ let them love you.
Ok, also... I haven't had a boyfriend in like 8 years. Yea, I've gone on some dates and such, but I haven't seriously been involved with anyone. I think I could date if I wanted to... BUT, and this is another huge one, I don't want to settle. I know who I am deep down and know what qualities that I want in my future partner... AND, I want to be able to offer those same things to someone else. I want to work on myself until I am the kind of person that I hope to date... if that makes sense.
Honestly, I am sure you are a beautiful person, inside and out. I truly don't think that there aren't people who find you attractive. I think (at least for me) that sometimes we can be so closed off with our weight that we literally give off a "stay away from me" vibe to others... Once you start losing more and gaining more confidence you will find yourself opening up and people will take notice!
Anyways, I'm done rambling... just know you are not alone and you won't be single forever! Just take some time for yourself and it will happen when you are ready.
I'm single at the moment too, and honestly, I think it's better for weight loss than dating would be! It's a lot easier to just plan for myself and my son, than to worry about another adult (my son is 5 so he's used to just getting whatever I give him). And of course, a lot of dating seems to involve going out to eat and restaurant food is so dreadful for weight loss.
So a HUGE congrats for you for not using food for comfort right now - keep it up and take this time to make your life and your body/health what you want it to be, and when the time is right, you'll be in the right headspace to find a man worthy of you. And he's not going to bail on your 100 times or make you feel like you have to "stick it out."
I just want to chime in here and say you're not alone. I haven't had a real boyfriend in 7 years. All of my friends are in committed relationships or married, so I spend A LOT of time alone. And dating...don't get me started, I guess at this point I've kind of given up.
Fat Girls and love (or lack thereof...)
I know it is cliche, but I think you really do need to love yourself. Also, getting over a relationship is difficult, give yourself time. Do some things for yourself, possibly things you couldn't do while in the relationship?
I have PLENTY of lady friends that were in their mid to late 40's who found AMAZING guys and got the marriage they were looking for! 
