So this morning's weigh-in showed the scale at 187.6. I am delighted; it's been slow and frustrating for the last couple of months, although when I look back at my stats, I definitely have been losing fairly steadily.
Anyway, this number means two things:
I am now only 3.3 pounds overweight, which is mind-boggling, and since I think BMI isn't a perfect guide or ultimate authority, I don't think I'm wrong in how "normal" I've been feeling for a while, because 3.3 pounds, after losing so much? Is nothing. It'll come off eventually, as long as I stick to plan. I'm done with berating myself every time I decide the scale isn't moving fast enough. I journal my food, I exercise, I stick to my calorie budget. I know I'm working at it, and I know that there's a pattern to my weight loss, and I've been at this long enough that maybe it's time to just accept that, carry on with what I'm doing -- it's worked so far, hasn't it? -- and let the pounds come off as they will. Because I know they will, and this isn't a race.
More significantly, it means that I have now lost 188 pounds. I started at 375.6. I have officially lost just over half of my starting weight. On the one hand, I am horrified at just how bad I let things get. I know daily, or near-daily, weighing doesn't work for a lot of people, but for me, I know that, but with few exceptions, I am going to be getting on the scale every morning I'm able for the rest of my life, because I am never letting that kind of number sneak up on me again. I understand my fluctuations, I have my journal, and I should be able to tell when the problem is me, and when the problem is just a normal fluctuation.
I knew I was hugely fat. I knew I was morbidly obese. I knew all that, but until I finally sucked it up, bought a scale, and got on it, I didn't REALLY know. And of all the things of which I am most proud, my response to that initial, horrible number is first on the list. I looked at it, freaked out, and then said to myself, It will be lower tomorrow. I will make that happen. I will NEVER see this number again. And then I did. And I kept going. And I didn't quit.
So here I sit, half the size I used to be. When I finally broke out of the 190s, a switch flipped in my brain, because for some reason, 189 sounded so much better to me than 190, which is ridiculous, because it's just one pound. Objectively, I knew perfectly well that 189 wasn't really any different, physically, than 190. But it felt so much better. And 187.6 feels better still. I can conceptualize it; I can feel it, I can look at that number, and then myself in the mirror, and say, yeah. That sounds about right. I can believe that's what I weigh. I'm not done, but yes, that's my body, that's what it weighs today, and I can see it. I wouldn't be embarrassed to say that's what I weigh. I wouldn't feel the need to lie on my driver's license.
I've often joked, once I got above, say, the 120 lbs lost point, that I've lost an entire person's worth of weight. This morning, I can say I've lost an entire person's worth of weight, and that entire person is ME.
Thank you all so much. I didn't join 3FC until I was well into my weight-loss project -- I think I'd lost about 130 or 140 pounds -- but this place, and you people have become invaluable to me. Thank you all so much for sharing your own journeys, your own struggles, and your own victories. I don't feel like I'm alone. My world is bigger and richer and brighter and better for having you all in it.
Thank you both. I am feeling pretty emotional about this. I'm not sure why this hit me in a way that, say, 199 didn't (although I was really happy about that!) or any other major milestone along the way did, but this is just overwhelming, and I needed to tell people who would get it, you know?
More thanks, for the wonderful and encouraging comments. I really appreciate them so much.
And thank you, Tai. You know, there's one thing I never would've said about myself before I started losing weight, and that's that I have a great attitude. I suspect that was at least half the problem.
Wonderful, just wonderful. I remember reading your post about the day in the garden confirming to you that your body was healthy, and now you have the number that you wanted to see as well.
I can't even think of the words to express how amazing what you've done is. I'm sure you already know that, as slow as it's going right now, you've done something incredible for yourself, and it's already paid off. You should really treat yourself to something wonderful today, a spa day (if you like that sort of thing)? You really deserve it!
I have this indelible image of the two Catherines sitting next to each other on the couch, the one who has been booted out, and the strong, slim and happy one who remains.
187.6: Half of me, gone.
