Anybody get divorced after weight loss? Warning long!
Just wondering because even though I am not at goal yet I can see that things are on a serious downhill slide with DH and I. He is absolutely convinced that his "happiness" is tied to what I weigh or how I look. I am ashamed to admit that this has been going on for YEARS. Raises its ugly head about every 6 months. My deep belief/fear is that when I get to goal (which this time I am doing for me) those underlying issues will still be there and there will just be something else about me that keeps him from his "happiness". At this point I am pretty convinced that he just needs a trigger point to wallow in something to make himself miserable and really I am pretty much done with it. Been married 24 years yesterday - 3 fabulous boys otherwise would not have made it this long. Also gave up my career to raise my boys and be available as he developed his - word of caution to others who are younger - worth it for how great it has been with the boys but certainly leaves me in a vulnerable position at this point in life. Sorry so long but just wondering if anybody else came out the other side of this or had a similar experience. Could be summed up by I told my bff about this: "Being fat could be a temporary state but being a selfish jerk looks pretty permanent." And just in case any one was going to suggest it - he won't go for counseling - a strange stance for someone who is always right. Again sorry so long but really need some feedback.
I've never been married, but my boyfriend is really supportive of my weight loss. Is it him not wanting you to do anything that helps yourself if it doesn't help him? Did that make sense? It just seems like your whole life has been helping the family (ie. staying home with your boys, building his career, etc.) and maybe he doesn't like that this weight loss is purely for you.
Suggestion: Sometimes, on the very, very few occasions my boyfriend worries about my weight loss I throw out a comment like "I just want to be sexy for you" or "I thought my having more confidence would spice up our love life" etc.
Maybe if he sees that its for the good of both of you, he'll be more into it.
I really hope I didn't overstep any boundaries, and if he really is a jerk, maybe he doesn't deserve sweet comments that will make him feel better about the weight loss. Either way, you are in my thoughts, and you need to do whatever makes you feel good.
I'm not married, but my boyfriend is very supportive of my weight loss efforts. In his eyes, I'm attractive the way I am, but he understands that I would like to be smaller, stronger, healthier, and he supports the ways I want to achieve this. But, he's also very confident in himself, self-aware, and his happiness does not have anything to do with my weight.
Do you think your DH is concerned that once you lose weight, you will want to leave him? Does he maybe think you are "equal" in attractiveness at the moment, but if you lose weight and become one hot mama (you may well be one hot mama right now - your profile pic is lovely), you will want to leave him for someone who is more on par with your new weight?
That's frustrating that he doesn't want to go for counseling. Have you tried talking to him, just the two of you? Setting up a time to talk, making sure the tv is off, distractions are at a minimum, and even if he doesn't want to talk, he could just listen. So you could tell him how you feel, and why you want to become healthier, and how it does or does not affect him.
If it does become too much, and you want to move on, you will find the strength to land on your feet. Even when things are difficult, I find if we do things that are in our own best interest, they tend to work out. It might take some time, but you'll get there, if that's what you want.
I would think that after 24 years of the same man, you'd know how to step to him by now. It may be you who is making a big deal out of something you've "dealt with" for all these years. Stay with him and make it work, somethings been working for 24 years so do that.
As a sidenote: My husband is very supportive of my weight loss, but then again he's also a great guy!
To answer your question: My mom left my father after her weight loss. It was completely unrelated to her weight loss, just came at the right time I guess you could say. She also gave up her career to raise four children. Sad to say she's not prime target for jobs right now (or back when she left my father - 8 years ago). She's had 2 jobs, both of which she lucked into by who she knew. Although on the plus side, she's married to a guy who makes a lot of money... so she doesn't *need* to work.
I got a divorce after losing 40 lbs, but the reason I lost the weight was because I was miserable in my marriage and became a running addict. Instead of dealing with him at home, I'd go for a long run. At my skinniest, I was also at my most unhappy. After 6 months of soul searching, I left him.
You might need to think about why you are unhappy with him. Twenty-four years is a long time to be married and there were probably good things about him you loved. You two may be able to work it out or maybe not.
I strongly suggest that YOU go to counseling alone and leave your husband at home. Talk out your feelings and hopefully you will have fresh insights. Having the support of friends can help a lot.
My marriage was a disaster and I was glad to be out, but divorce is painful and can be ugly. My divorce was a relatively "easy" one, but I had to deal with being abandoned by my family for a while & I lost thousands of dollars in unsettled credit card debt. My credit is destroyed. And I gained the 40 lbs back.
But for me, I got a happy ending. I now live with someone who truly loves me- myself. And I'm losing weight again.
I've not personally had this experience, but my mother got divorced from my dad after 27 years of marriage and after losing 80lbs. They had issues for a long time, I think her losing weight was just the last straw in a long relationship full of insecurity and ignorance. My dad also refused to attend counseling by the way. I also think losing that weight gave her the confidence she needed to do that for herself. It was hard, she didn't go about announcing the news in the best way (told everyone the day before she left on a mission trip out of the country for a month), and there were some hurt feelings and angry words. I won't go into too much more detail since it's not my story to tell, but I will say the divorce was probably the best thing that ever happened to my mom (aside from having me as a daughter! lol) and now she is married to my step-dad, who I love, and is happy and content. My dad is another story, but that's neither here nor there.
Child of divorce here. I commend you for having stuck it through for the kids. I'm all for divorce in situations where it's better for the children or for the wife or in cases of abuse. But if it can be held together...well...I just wanted to say that.
...but now the kids are grown and you need to focus on you.
My divorce had nothing to do with weight loss, I wasn't at a point in my life yet that I was ready to lose weight and be healthy. However, your comment about your husband's happiness being directly tied to what you do rings loud and clear. My husband was just an unhappy person, and every time I turned around, his "happiness" was tied to something involving me. And no matter what I did, he wasn't happy. And you are right, the issues will still be there when you reach goal, bacause the issues have NOTHING to do with your weight.
Don't get me wrong, you should make each other happy, but there is a point that it can also become unhealthy. We did go to marriage counseling. And one of the first things the counselor said was "You are responsible for your own happiness. If your spouse adds to that happiness, then great. But it is ultimately up to you." Not the words that he wanted to hear, but they did wonders for me. I realized that I was being drug down every single day. We ultimately divorced and I am now married to an amazing guy.
24 years is a long time, and there are MANY things to consider - your home, your families, your kids. But also know that life does go on if you end up apart. And it just gets better every day!
It does sound like there is a lot going on here. I would also try to see if there was someway to do counseling even if you have to put it to him as something that is needed for the marriage to continue.
Maybe I'm naive but I think someone should feel supported and loved by their spouse/significant other/partner/etc. If there are issues, you should try to figure out if they can be worked out or if not, you may have to find your own happiness. I've known many people who have stayed in marriages because they felt trapped but they always seemed to find a way to get it done.
My mom was married to my father for 11 years, she had been a stay at home mom since my birth and an army wife prior to that (with varied/unstable jobs). She found a way out and was much happier. The first couple years were a struggle especially since he skipped out on alimony/child support (which was easier to do in the early 80s) but we did alright.
Someone who blames you for their unhappiness or lack of attraction to you (because you are "too fat" or not blonde enough or not young enough or not etc etc etc) will never be satisfied and will never stop blaming you for their unhappiness. The fact is, YOU are NOT the cause of his unhappiness; HE is. Until he is willing to face up to that fact, he will continue blaming you and punishing you.
Personally, after doing my dutiful duty of raising the kids to adulthood and so on, I would not tolerate that. I am not interested in having a "partner" who is not a partner because he blames me for his failures, emptiness, loneliness, and unhappiness.
My situation is similar, except that I am the full-time working wage-earner in our household. I have been very clear with my husband that if things do not improve between us (and with him), then I am under no obligation whatsoever to stay "until death do us part." I am completely willing to own what is my psychological crap/baggage, but he has to own what is his and quit blaming me for HIS problems. For example, for years I waffled about getting healthy and losing weight, finding reasons in my mind why it was "his fault" that I wasn't doing it. And he verbally blamed me for HIS lack of health and failure to lose weight. Eventually, I just decided that I'd do it for myself, it didn't matter what he did or said, and I set out on it...and I haven't looked back. (He did change too, but I am pretty certain that even now, if it wasn't for me and the kids, he'd go back to his unhealthy ways--his change has been dependent on my change.)
We can all -always- find reasons why our failures or laziness or our bad emotions are someone else's fault, but that's a lie. As adults, no one is responsible for our feelings our our actions/reactions but us, period.
Your husband ought to grow up, and I completely sympathize with not wanting to remain married to someone who is childish and selfish.
Wow. What a situation. I can relate some, however. My husband was very unsupportive of me and anything I wanted to do that did not directly benefit him when we were first married. Going to school was out of the question, but working 2 jobs was absolutely fine. He really was an ***. Several things had to happen to change things. First, I stopped begging him to stay with me (not saying that's what you do, just what I did), then I told him to leave if he wasn't happy. And I meant it. He stayed, and I spent the next couple years trying to get him to open up and really talk to me. Then he was sent to Iraq. I had to do so many things when he was there, that when he got back he realized I didn't need him anymore. I was there because I wanted to be. I read that he won't consider counselling, but will you? If you went to counselling by yourself, you might be able to take some of what you learn back home and "counsel" your husband on the sly. I just want to say how fantastic it is that you're taking care of yourself even in the face of this adversity. Good luck to you!!
I have been having a similar struggle. I really pulled away from my husband because I just felt like (sorry, but it's true) a piece of s**t. I had no self esteem and wouldn't allow myself to be loved. Is it possible that this is what's going on? I understand that he may not be the most understanding and loving person (goodness knows that throughout it all my husband was a stubborn you-know-what). He may be a gigantic jerk, but it's usually a two-sided situation. Re-evaluate yourself here. Figure out how you may be contributing to the issue. For my situation, I had some things I had to change about my attitude, not just my body. Once I started being a more positive, outgoing person and I was willing to talk about my problems with my husband, it was amazing how much his attitude towards me shifted. Each day make a list about the things you saw about him that you appreciate. they can be small, like "He made the coffee this morning" or "He held my car door open", or big like "He held me when I was upset" or "He told me he was proud of me." Watch the list of positivity grow as you start focusing on that instead of the negatives. We all have faults and shortcomings, I would sure hate it if that's all anyone saw about me. You must be the change you want to see, right? And I'm not saying that this is all your responsibility by any means, I'm just sharing what worked for me.
If he doesn't want to go to counseling, go without him. And share with him what you're learning. You've been together 24 years. Look at those 24 years and figure out when you were the most happy with HIM (i know children bring great joy, but look only at your personal relationship). Why did you get married? What were the things that drew you to him in the first place? Really examine every nook and cranny of your marriage and relationship, both long term and day to day. Honestly, there are some situations that it's better for all involved if you go your separate ways, but something in my intuition tells me that there's something in your marriage that's worth it (other than the boys), that will come to the surface. But I suggest REALLY trying and giving it your all before you give up on 24 years. And if at the end of your evaluation of it all you still feel that it's best to move on, then I'm sure you've made the right decision for yourself. You, your husband, and your boys will be in my thoughts. Big Hugs!
I think you're right. He's the one with issues, not you. You losing weight and looking a certain way isn't gonna fix HIS problems.. Even if he does change his tune when you reach goal, do you really want to stay with someone who loves you conditionally?
Anybody get divorced after weight loss? Warning long!
I commend you for having stuck it through for the kids. I'm all for divorce in situations where it's better for the children or for the wife or in cases of abuse. But if it can be held together...well...I just wanted to say that. 
