I just need to get this out because it has been bothering me for months. Now it has escalated, because my dad decided to lose weight, too and has lost 16 lbs so far.
My mother constantly sabotages our weight loss efforts. I don't know how my father can stand living with her and trying to eat right. She is overweight by quite a bit as well and is always "trying to lose weight". Her entire world seems to revolve around food and what delicious thing she can eat at the next meal, or snack, etc. She constantly walks through the kitchen and grabs something to put in her mouth. She will eat all the wrong things, and then tell me she can't have this or that because it has "too many carbs". She is worried about her blood sugar, so a week before she has it tested at the doc she will cut her sugar intake, etc so the test shows good. As soon as the test is done, she goes back to eating terrible stuff!!! It does not matter what you say to her, I am getting the feeling at this point that she will never change.
She watches all these cooking shows with high fat, sugar etc. recipes. Then she feels compelled to cook them or tell me about the recipe (while practically drooling over it). Or, she cooks it and tells me how fantastic it was. I have told her that our family has an unhealthy emotional relationship with food and that I am trying to change that for myself. To which she wholeheartedly agreed!! But does that stop her from sharing every fat covered bite with me? NO.
This past Monday night I took the kids out for pizza. I had a few extra calories to spend so I got the thin & crispy crust with ham and pineapple on top, which was one of the lowest cal pizzas there and only ate 2 slices and one bread stick. Well, mom and dad decided they wanted to go out with us. So we are waiting for our pizza, and my mother starts going on about this Paula Deen recipe she watched on TV for some kind of mouthwatering macaroni and cheese baked in the oven. I guess she thought I would be all drooling with her about it, but all I could think of was the enormous amount of calories and carbohydrates. When she finished I said "You really need to stop watching that show. No one can lose weight and keep those kinds of foods on their mind all the time. Stop talking to me about calorie laden macaroni and cheese." She got all hurt, but dang I had had enough. My dad chimed in and said, "That's what I keep telling her!" Then she got mad at him and said he reaps the "benefits" of all the good recipes she finds on those shows. Dad just shook his head. Ugh.
So what brings all this up now, is that my dad just left my house because mom wants to borrow my slow cooker. I asked what she was making, and he said she was making some kind of high calorie shredded beef thing and was going to eat some and freeze some (I doubt much of it will actually make it to the freezer). He said he would not be eating any. Then he said she has constantly been at him to go out and eat fast food or go for donuts in the morning. If he refuses, she gets all angry and says "Well I'm not cooking!" Which is fine with dad, and he told her that. He has no problem making something for himself that is on his plan. She usually pouts for awhile after that.
Now, I love my mother, but she is in total denial of her terrible eating habits and relationship with food. She says "I just don't understand why I am not losing any weight". If you tell her why - even in a kind way, she denies it and gets upset with you. So we have just taken to completely ignoring her most times, because it is like talking to a brick wall. She has asked what I am doing and I have shared everything I can about my weight loss with her to hopefully help her - I have even printed out over 100 pages of things on my computer for her. She agrees with the way I am doing things and wants to lose weight - but there is a huge gap between what she knows she needs to do and what she actually does. Dad is standing firm on his own weight loss plan, but I have serious doubts that mom will ever "get it" and change.
My feeling is that she thinks food comforts her and is her friend or something, so she tries to get us to eat some of the same things so she doesn't feel bad about how poorly she eats. Like she can then tell herself.. see.. they eat like this, too.
I just really needed to vent - but if any of you have similar situations I would appreciate knowing how you have dealt with it.
Sounds really tough! You can sometimes help someone who just doesn't *know* what they need to know, but you can't talk someone out of denial. Sometimes, even when we think our example isn't doing any good, it is. It can take time, sometimes a whole lot more time than we want it to. But that doesn't mean your example isn't registering in her, somewhere deep down, ready to take seed some day. I'm sorry it's so painful, I really am.
You cannot force anyone to change who does not want to.
All you can do is be a good role model and provide your dad support if he wants it. Your mom isn't having a lack of understanding...she's just not willing to make the necessary effort at this point.
My mother is very similar to that...She has mild diabetes, and she find ways to tell herself it is ok to eat certain things...Like bowls of cerial at night. She does not test her sugar so she doesn't know if it is undercontrol or not, but she complains to me that she wants to get a gastric bypass where they cut out a piece of your intestine so that you absorb less sugar. Just last night I had to convince her not to eat half a box of crackers...(so I feel your pain).
I know it is easier said than done, but you need to take care of YOU and whatever mom does is mom's problem. And dad is an adult and needs to take care of himself, too. No matter what ANYONE else does, what you put into your body is YOUR choice. Period.
That having been said, I adore the cooking shows. And I eat Paula Deen. And I am doing a low fat, restricted calorie, excercise program to lose weigh and feel better. The key? I remake the recipes using healthier (or less awful) substitutes. Low fat options, less fat for cooking, drained plain yogurt in place of sour cream. Etc. An example is her recipe for chicken Boudine. I don't even wanna know the caloriues and fat of the original, but my remake version has 419 calories and 12 g fat. I add a salad for around 50 calories and 0 grams of fat, a reduced fat dressing at 2 tblsp for around 60-80 cal and 4 or 5 g fat and it's a meal that satisfies. To make the fat even lower, I could use fat free mushroom soup instead of regular.
You can do this. Just don't let anything or anyone top you. Tell mom that's nice and keep on doing what you need to do. Pretty soon, she'll get bored and not bother4 you with it anymore. Great big hugs to you!
You cannot force anyone to change who does not want to.
That is exactly what I was thinking! Honestly as much as you would love to get her to realize what she's doing is not only unhealthy and life threatening to her and YOU AND YOUR DAD!!! you can't make her realize it.
I know you have probably done this but I figured I give this suggestion anyways. Try to take her to someone impartial who can help you explain this to your mom. I was thinking of a registered dietician. Get her to go to a dietician and take your dad and you with her (maybe) and get her to explain this to your mom? She could probably explain the health risks and stuff to your mom better and maybe she could convince her to eat better? Usually plans will cover this if your doctor recommends this.
Either way...Congrats to you for being so strong and doing your diet despite the sabbotaging!
I agree with Barb. You really need to focus on you and just let your mom deal with her issues herself, she's an adult and she's responsible for her own actions. You've obviously tried talking to her and gotten nowhere, so now it's time to let it go. Next time she tells you about a food that you just can't imagine eating, say "Thats nice" or "That sounds good mom" and move on, or if she offers you a food just say "Thats not on my plan" and leave it at that. Next time she asks for advice just give her what she asks for and nothing more, then drop it. And don't team up on her with your dad, that's definitely not going to help her be healthier, it will probably just make her feel worse than she already feels.
I do know where you're coming from, my mom does alot of the same things, has even had WLS and still can't handle her addiction to bad-for-you food or her weight. But while I worry about her health, I've had to stop "helping" her, because it just leads to fights and hurt feelings. Also realize that some people, even tho they know exactly what to do, are not ready to lose the weight and get healthy yet. And those of us who are on the journey already can get very obsessive about health and fitness and it can be annoying to someone who doesn't share our interest when all we talk about is how many calories are in that fried chicken or how far we would have to run to burn off that snickers bar they just ate.
At any rate, step back and just let her do her own thing while you do your own thing. Sometimes showing instead of telling is the way to help someone.
And personally, I LOVE Paula Deen and her food is super delish.
Okay, I do not know your family, but from what you have shared with us, it sounds to me like very old relationship patterns are at work here, arranging you three into some kind of triangulation where you communicate through each other about your needs & issues.
You father & mother need space in which to work out the issue of what role food plays in their life together. They have to do this separately. In fact, it's not even a mutual issue -- your father needs to choose a course & then your mother will choose hers. (In fact, she may have chosen hers already, but it may be one your & your father do not care for.)
I'm not sure you can intervene on your father's behalf, or persuade your mother when she's not already ripe for "conversion." I use that term because that's nearly what it is, since it comes from an earnest desire to change one's own life & patterns of behavior.
I tell you this as an only child, who was drawn a lot into her parents' dramas & asked to convey messages back & forth, or to play an advocate, and who had impulses to referee or broker a peace sometimes. It's so, so hard not to do this. But nothing ever worked unless they worked it out themselves, with me gone elsewhere, living my own life.
Set an example, if you like, and be ready to help, should it be asked for, but otherwise, you may want to stay out of this.
I know someone who was like her until in a trip he found out that he was the only one unable to kept going because of his weight. He was tired when no one else was. He found it difficult to breath and that experience made him to start to hear healthy advices. I also have a similar experience to open my eyes. I was unable to enjoy a trip to a volcano because of my weight.
I try not to say anything unless she brings it up, I just couldn't stand it anymore the other night out for pizza. I'm strong and so is my dad, but what bugs me is that she knows we are trying to watch it, but for some reason still thinks it is okay to talk about all that food and try and make my dad go out and eat things she knows would not be on his plan. Or she will ask me what I can have if I'm going over for dinner. I'll tell her and when I get there she made the lean meat, but thought it would be so much better cooked in some sauce full of brown sugar or something. Then she will say.. well just don't eat the sauce! Nevermind that it was cooked in the stuff and is now embedded in the meat. She is normally a pretty sensitive person and I really think she knows what she is doing to us on some subconscious level, but with food it is like she is in a world of her own and wants us there with her. It's just not nice, dangit!
I'm pretty selfish where my eating is concerned now. The only thing that would make me go off my plan is ME. It's my choice and will always be my choice no matter who or what tempts me. And since I have no plans to go off my plan for any reason, I'll be just fine. It's all about ME! Just wish my mother wouldn't be so insensitive sometimes.
She's in a trap that many people are. On one hand it's a trap they have more control over than they think they do - but on the other hand, there are some pretty strong social influences that contribute to the trap existing in the first place, that can be very difficult to overcome.
Many of us are raised to believe that food is an expression of love (in some cases, the only appropriate expression of love). To reject the person's food is to reject their love. Some folks find giving and receiving love and caring very difficult to do without including food in the process. Some folks believe or feel they have very little to give except food (sometimes knowledge, belief and feeling are very different things. They may know they have more than food to give, but they may not feel or believe it at the most basic level).
I love giving food, and I love receiving food. It's how I was raised. It's taken a lot of hard work and hard thinking to realize that there are ways to express love without food, and also to express love with food, but in a different way (old habits are hard to change, though).
Family dynamics can be hard to change. People fall into roles and get stuck in them. They "know better," but act out the old family scripts anyway. My own mom has a really hard time not encouraging others to eat (even to the point that she knows it's not smart). She also has a hard time keeping herself from giving advice (even if it's advice she isn't following very well).
Learning to set personal boundaries is difficult for anyone though. And I do sympathize when my mother thinks I've rejected her because I've rejected her food, but sympathizing and caving in are too different things. It used to drive me absolutely bonkers, but I've gotten lot better at staying out of the fracas. It's so easy to get sucked in and get upset and angry (which doesn't seem to help anyone make better choices).
I'm a natural butinski though, and that's a hard habit to break. When I feel I have insight into someone's, especially a loved someone's problems (with themselves or with other people) I SO want to share the benefit of (what I think is my) wisdom, but it so often doesn't come off the way I imagined (did you ever notice that no one seems to think you're as wise as you think you are). I have to remember that I'm not always appreciative of other people's "wisdom" either.
There's no real solution to the problem, but it's a common one.
hotwings, sorry if I am projecting my life onto yours, but I wonder if any of this is new behaviour? Then odd lack of logic and denial could also be signs of dementia or early onset alzheimers as well. If this is behaviour she has always had, I wouldn't be worried, but to be upset about your dad not wanting fast food and donuts seems just too much!.
You should be proud of your ability to work on your own diet and get healthy in spite of it, and your dad must be amazing to be able to live in that situation and lose weight.
I have a really hard time when I visit my parents, my mother (who only weighs about 90 pounds) will mostly eat "treats" and the house is full of calorie dense baked stuff and goodies.
So I think you both are doing great with a difficult mum
I tell you this as an only child, who was drawn a lot into her parents' dramas & asked to convey messages back & forth, or to play an advocate, and who had impulses to referee or broker a peace sometimes. It's so, so hard not to do this. But nothing ever worked unless they worked it out themselves, with me gone elsewhere, living my own life.
This is so true of my SIL. It was after 2 suicide attempts by her mother that she came to this truth.
Do what is best for you. There is only one of you:-)
kaplods: Food being an expression of love is definitely in play here. I remember growing up that whenever we baked cookies or anything, we would always make a special one for my dad (a really big one). Mom would do the same sorts of things with food. We talked about that once - that food has a place in our life that is not really healthy. That we need to find other ways to reward ourselves or express ourselves. She agreed, but I guess is just not ready to actually do anything about it. She had her blood sugar tested yesterday, so she said going out for donuts this morning was her little "celebration". :/
fatmad: No need to be sorry! Thank you for responding. I hadn't thought of that, but she has been this way for many, many years. She grew up poor and they didn't have a variety of food to eat, so when she got married and had more money she got all up into food. I think she is just being selfish right now, honestly. She wants a donut or wants fast food, but she doesn't want to be the only one because she might have to actually think that she shouldn't eat that. She wants to eat it. It's kind of a vicious cycle and whether she realizes it or not, she is trying to pull dad in with her.
saef: You are right! I try to stay out of the middle - it was so much easier when I lived a thousand miles away.
I worry about her health, but she is her own person and will eat whatever she wants. I will just keep going with my plan and encourage dad in his if he wants that. Or even just be a sounding board for him to vent about mom and food.
Mom is in Total Denial & Sabotaging (Vent!)
It does not matter what you say to her, I am getting the feeling at this point that she will never change.
Just wish my mother wouldn't be so insensitive sometimes.
