My boyfriend is the sweetest, kindest, most supportive and caring person in my life. I love him dearly, and I definitely don't think he fits the usual mold of the controlling partner who gets paranoid because of the other person's weight loss.
BUT. We had an argument of sorts last night regarding what he feels is a huge "Body Image Issue" that's putting a strain on our relationship. Basically, he feels like I obsess over my weight and appearance to a point where he thinks I don't believe when he tells me I am attractive, and that makes him feel like I'm calling him a liar. I didn't realize I did that, but I will concede that it is entirely possible. I am definitely not perfect in the personality department, and I've been really focused on this goal since I started. It upsets him, understandably, to hear me say that I am fat, and it makes him feel fat and ugly when I announce every pound I lose.
I guess I am just curious whether anyone else has dealt with this. I get a feeling that this is something that I need to fix on my part. Do I have a problem? Should I just quit discussing weight with him altogether or what?
Hmmm. Well, my relationship is pretty new, so we’re still in the “honeymoon phase”, but I can already see that my focus (“obsession”?) on weight loss perturbs him just a little. I think he wishes that I would let loose a little more, that I didn’t care about my appearance so much and that I had more confidence…but that’s natural.
As for making him feel like a liar…I think a LOT of women do this when they receive a compliment. For some reason, it’s so hard for us to just say thank you and move on. For me, I feel like to accept a compliment is to say that I agree and that looks arrogant, so I argue with them too. But…I guess maybe put yourself in his shoes? What if every time you told him he’s attractive or that a shirt looked good on him or something, he said, “No, it makes me look fat…I look awful…you don’t have to say that.” It would probably make you feel like he didn’t value your opinion or that he thought you were lying, too.
I do it too. But maybe part of this process is learning to accept those compliments and believe them, too!
I was there once with a boyfriend when I had previously lost weight. He would always complement me and I would blow him off... But when my girlfriends would be like, "You look hot tonight" I would smile and say thanks. He got mad and said about the same thing as your boyfriend, adding that I accepted compliments from everyone but him. I told him that it was because my friends were just being nice and it's not like they really thought I looked good.
My boyfriend is immensely supportive and I tend to do the same thing about not believing him when he tells me I'm beautiful. I'm getting better at it because he makes me FEEL beautiful, therefore I can forget my body hangups. I agree with ThicknPretty, I think we're conditioned to try to brush off compliments but you should embrace them! Your boyfriend loves you exactly how you are now, or he probably wouldn't be with you right? So he believes you're beautiful inside and out, and if he tells you so, embrace it and do your best to believe him and revel in the praise. I know it's difficult but we don't get enough praise I'm sure, so hearing it from someone you love is definitely not a bad thing There's a saying 'do you love her because she's beautiful or is she beautiful because you love her?'. I asked my bf what he thought about this saying once and he said that he thought it was true in both respects.
This isn't directly related, but I have found that pictures my boyfriend takes of me when I'm looking at him/his camera are a whole lot better than others taken of me by someone else. I don't know why this is, but I think it's because of that 'I love you' glow and I swear I'm not kidding, it's only obvious in pictures he's taken or if he's in them with me. I get compliments on these pictures, so perhaps you give off a really big 'I love you' glow when you're with him and therefore you're even more attractive in his presence because you're happy!
Basically, I don't think you should stop discussing your weight or your goals with him because he should be pleased with you if you're pleased with yourself. However, I would accept the compliments and stop putting yourself down in his presence (and always, though I know this is hard!). If announcing your weight loss makes him feel fat then come here to the boards and shout it instead Though I do think he should be a part of your successes. My boyfriend's a twig and could eat whatever he wanted and not put on weight so I don't have experience with that part I'm afraid.
Are you dating MY boyfriend?? LOL He says the same things to me, that he feels like I'm calling him a liar if I don't willingly accept a compliment. My body image issues have definitely put a strain on our relationship but it's something that I've been working to improve, so I'm keeping my fingers crossed.
I personally don't feel that either of you have done anything wrong, you just need to talk it out and work it out. It's not wrong for you to be enthusiastic and focused on your weight loss. And I also understand where he's coming from, it would be tedious to have your partner constantly put themselves down. Imagine being in his shoes. Or what if he always complained about how his muscles are too scrawny, and he's so ugly, etc etc. That would get tiresome for you to hear.
It's not wrong for you to have body image issues. It's something to be worked on, but I think that's part of the whole weight loss/lifestyle change. I was kind of in this position with my guy too. I was constantly saying how fugly I was, and I'd cover myself up with the sheets, and I was just never comfortable. I felt like I had to put myself down out loud before he had a chance to think those thoughts. He finally got frustrated, we had a few arguments about it. Finally I sat him down and we had a heart to heart about it. I told him that I realized that my body image issues were frustrating for him, and that I'd work on it. But I also explained the root of them: pressure from my family, growing up as "the fat kid," never feeling worthy because of my appearance. Once he realized that this was a real issue for me, and I wasn't just saying "omg, I'm so fat" to fish for compliments, he was more understanding.
Like a lot of people have said, I've been there too with trying to deal with taking compliments. My partner won't accept anything but "thanks" for an answer anymore- she'll just keep saying it until I say thanks.
As far as making him feel fat when you share your successes, personally I think that's something he needs to be aware of and work on for himself. If you're not crash dieting and you're trying to make a legitimate lifestyle change, he should be supportive of your efforts and happy for you when you're successful. This is something that you just need to talk to him about so that you're both on the same page. However, it may be easier for him to share your happiness with you if he doesn't feel like you're excited about losing weight because you think you're becoming less unattractive. If he knows you know that you're beautiful, he might be more receptive to sharing your successes.
Every day is a struggle with me and my boyfriend because of my insecurities about body image and weight. My BF also has no idea what to say and always says the wrong thing, i some how manage to turn every compliment he says into some thing negative
"Wow, you look really good this evening."= "You looked awful and fat yesterday but some how you managed to pull yourself together this evening, would have thought you could."
I get really stuck on the fact that i think he likes me better thinner, but he was with me when i was 20 pounds heavier, so it really doesn't make a difference. I drive myself and him crazy with all my weight issues.
Learning to say "thank you" after a compliment is tough, but it's better in the long-run. If the guy who compliments you knows he's going to hear about what size pants you need to fit into by summer, you're conditioning that guy to compliment you less often. But if you say thank you, it's just a pleasant interaction.
Before I got comfortable with this with my boyfriend, I would say, "Thank you, you look great, too!" or ask a question about his day to get the focus off of my own appearance. Maybe that would help?
Driving your significant other insane?
There's a saying 'do you love her because she's beautiful or is she beautiful because you love her?'. I asked my bf what he thought about this saying once and he said that he thought it was true in both respects.
Though I do think he should be a part of your successes. My boyfriend's a twig and could eat whatever he wanted and not put on weight so I don't have experience with that part I'm afraid.
