Please excuse my pure tiresome pity party here. I just need to scream out and cry and vent to an open ear. I don't have anyone to really hear me right now

I am so depressed right now. I have just been on a self destructive path these last few months. I feel like I am trying to do all the wrong things.

I was doing really well. I had lost like 20lbs and was on a good path. But then I just lost it all. And I choose to throw myself into the fire because of it. I am worse then I ever was before. I eat like I am trying to drown out my pain. I just binge all the time now. And sweets which I was never huge on are now at the center of my diet. I ate almost a dozen doughnuts, a whole bag of pizza rolls, and a box of cupcakes all in one evening over just a couple hours.

Ofcourse doing all this I feel horrible and sick all the time now. I have headaches, my stomach in knots, feeling weak and tired. I know what I am doing is causing this and instead of changing I just let it feed my self loathing even more. I remember how great I felt when i was losing weight, how much energy I had. How happy I was.

I hid my scale not daring to touch it. I just took it down tonight and I had just eaten but it said 230.8! That is like 20lbs more then I started with! So I gained back the 20 I lost and 20 more!! In just a couple months.

I hate myself right now so so much.

I just feel so out of control. I snapped tonight and went and just chopped all my hair off. My long hair to super short. I know why, I have done it before in the past- just to feel like I have some control over something. How stupid.

Why can't I get it through my thick head that I do have control? I make the choices good or bad. This whole time I haven't been out of control, I was just making the wrong choices. And that means I do have the power to make the right choices.

I just want to get back on the right path. I won't lie and say that I know I can do this. Because honestly right now I feel so drained and not strong enough and just a mess of confusion. But I know how much I want it. That I want to look good, and feel good and just be happy.

if anyone reads this thanks for listening I really do feel alot better just getting this all out.

Please don't beat yourself up over your eating and recent slip-up an regain. It happens to the best of us, including many who ultimately lost a lot of weight. I personally slipped up off a diet in a huge way, to the point that I was driving straight from one drive-thru to the next some nights, but managed to regain control. In my case my descent into binge-eating was propelled by frustration I felt in a hopeless living situation and academic situation, but once I eliminated those stressors from my life I was able to reign in my destructive eating.
So maybe a good first step is trying to identify external factors causing your recent slip-up, if you feel there could be any...

And remove "self hate" from your vocabulary! Overating and gaining weight are not moral transgressions, and certainly not worth destroying yourself over.

My heart is going out to you right now. It's pretty obvious that you are in a major crisis, one that I am woefully ill-equipped to help with. The fact that you have reached out to the 3FC community is a sign that you are ready to stop the madness and do something different.

Okay, you bit the bullet and got on the scale, and got the bad news out of the way. Now I think you should stay away from the scale for a while and just work on trying to pull yourself out of the nosedive. The food isn't even bringing you pleasure. It's making you sick and making you feel bad. Maybe try to focus on how bad the food is making you feel, and that may help you find the strength to get out of this eating pattern and back to a more healthful refueling method.

Gosh, I wish I had more helpful advice to give. I might just be a stranger on an internet message board, but your pain has touched me and I really care about what happens to you.

Hopefully the fact that you managed to come here for support is a sign that you are ready to do something different. You really can do this.

Okay, take a deep breath, and stop freaking out--it's only making you freak out more! What's done is done, and you are absolutely right, you controlled it then, and you're controlling it now. There's no all or nothing, no black or white, no right or wrong. Just whatever choice you make RIGHT NOW. Do you choose something to make you feel good or something to make you feel bad (both physically and emotionally)? Just because you've been choosing to punish and torture yourself the past few months doesn't mean you have to continue doing it.

Can you figure out why you've chosen the path to self destruction over the path to self love that you were on your way up? If you can pinpoint what (or who?) this might have been a reaction to, you are well on your way to identifying the trigger, and then you can work on disarming it. If you haven't read or seen any Byron Katie, I suggest you check her out. She's got an amazing book out called Loving What Is, and she calls her technique The Work. It's amazingly freeing and helpful, I've found.

Anyway, you've done the right thing by coming back here for some support! You know everyone here will jump in to help however we can, and even if you don't know if you can do it, we trust that you can. So hang in there and give yourself the chance to get back on track. It sounds like you're ready, and that's all that it takes. All you CAN do is try, and all you NEED to do is try! See, you're already well on your way.

You can reverse the damage done before the time summer starts, and feel really good about yourself again.

(((blas)))

Sometimes that word "control" can be emotionally charged. In the Depression forum here at 3FC, I did a dissertation on the word "respect" and its baggage, and "control" is very similar. Coming from a background of emotional abuse, I was not allowed "control" and was told that simply being assertive about my feelings was "being a control freak." The message was that trying to control anything was bad, if it was me doing it. I was to sit back and let everyone else control things for me. Today, if you want to terrify me real fast, put me in charge of something and tell me I'm totally responsible for controlling it!

So don't be too hard on yourself for forgetting that you're in charge now. It's not a place a lot of us are used to going.

This was me for almost all of last year. I know I weigh less than you do but believe me, I can really pack it away. I was waaay out of control for nearly all 2009.

What I did to get out of it was quite simple really. I didn't go from madness to on plan eating overnight. I just decided that for one week I would cut the total crap from my diet - the take away food and the sugar. I was still eating too much and was probably gaining but I felt better. The following week I went to maintenance level and the week after I felt ready to start losing. One day at a time, it does work.

(((Blasphemie))) I feel your pain!! I`ve been there, too!

Is there any way you can get yourself help with the bingeing?
What worked for you in the past?
What do you consider the most important things which helped yourself lose the weight before?
Do you think it could help you again right now?

There seems to be a lot going on for you at the miment, and though it may seem unrealistic to lose the 40lb again for, say, easter, finding a way to stop the binging may sound a good first step.

Wish I could help!
Stella

glad I could listen. I know what it's like to feel out of control of the eating, and hating my body/self, etc.

one thing that's helped me in the past (and present), is to keep in mind that in X span of time, these troubles will be something you look back on, and you'll be saying to yourself, yeah, I got through it.

focus yourself, and take whatever steps you might need to take to start getting you over this hump. the universe is wishing you well. embrace that.

Thank you all so much your posts have ment so much to me right now.

There were lots of little things going on. and to be honest it didn't help that I just stopped taking my prozac either...But the main issue is all because I want a baby badly.

Jan 2009 I completely fell apart and got really sick. A trip to the ER I learned I was diabetic. That really fueled my entire change and new me attitude. I was a star patient, did everything the DR told me to and got my numbers down to perfect and went from an 11A1C to 5.7!

But my main focus was that being healthier and losing weight was going to increase my chances to get pregnant. I think I put far too much into this perfect picture of me being skinny and happy and finally having a child.

Well then my DR was horrible, my appointments were so so far apart and she just kept having me do the same tests over and over which were really expensive, my insurance apparently wasn't covering everything. She couldn't tell me what was wrong with me. Even with my numbers good she didn't like the idea of me having a baby being diabetic. and the stuff she told me was supposed to work didn't. It was just a really stressful mess.

My husband was being unsupportive. He didn't like driving the hour to visit the DR. He kept being worried and we would fight about money. He was telling me how much he wanted a baby too but then he wouldn't go to the dr himself.

It all began to just be too stressful for me. I started to drift back into the negative thinking...I would never have baby. Everyone around me was having babies. My cousin and my DH's cousin were two of them. They were young, horrible mothers to the kids they had, on drugs and partying and didn't even want the kids they did have. and yet there was someone like me who would do anything to have a child and couldn't.

I began to think that maybe it was best that I didn't have a child. Maybe I would make a horrible mother. We live in a crappy small apartment. Sure my DH just got a big promotion and is making more then double what he was before and we now have really good insurance. It will still take time to save to move and we were already supposed to move when my DH got this job since it is in another town but we didn't grr.

I began to forget to take my meds and then skipping once or twice turned into days and then weeks without them so I just stopped taking them. I didnt go to the Dr anymore. I then began to just eat differently. It wasn't so bad at first. I was still walking even. But then the weather started getting bad so I stopped. I think that really pushed me over.

Sigh I totally need therapy I know. Not a huge option right now though.


One thing right now is that I am trying to focus on the things I have not given up. While I did stop drinking just water, I didn't go back to what I was drinking before but instead this entire time I stuck with water and diet drpepper. I also stuck with wheat bread. I am staying positive about those two choices.

I think the things that helped me the most before were this site and another site I go to, plus writing in my journal. So I will definitely go back to all of that.

one thing that worries me is that the weather is still so bad that I wont be walking in it. Which is something I really loved. But I do have some dvds and no one lives below me right now so I should have a nice opportunity to jump all over the floor without worrying lol.

Tomorrow I go shopping for the week. I am not going to make huge changes because I know that sets me up to fail. I am just going to focus on no more binging and no more stuffing myself. I will buy more fruits/veggies. And no sweets though.

Then just give myself a week or two to focus on what I am eating and being positive then going back to calorie counting which helped me alot.

Thank you all so much. I dont even think I can express how much you have helped me. I feel like a weight has lifted off of me overnight. All of your posts are so helpful and kind. Thank you.

I can relate to the TTC biz. We waited until the time was right before deciding to try--we had the money, steady home life, really wanted it. And we tried for five years. For various reasons, we couldn't, but we didn't let it ruin us. I never really thought about how that influenced my weight gain over the past ten years, but it probably had a lot to do with it. Anyway, I know how it can consume you, but no matter what happens, it's the right thing at the moment (otherwise, it wouldn't have happened). That means your bingeing, loss of control, and weight gain are what you needed to do at the time. Now, it's not, and you are doing something different. It makes it all sound so simplistic, but it's true. You came back here right when you needed to because you got whatever it was you needed out of the "vacation" you took from your healthy lifestyle program. Welcome back!

Hi there.
I'm not a fertility expert by any means, though I did work in the medical field for years but from what you posted, it sounds like you possibly had an inferior doctor. Was she a fertility specialist or just an ob/gyn? I see you live in NY...we have an awesome fertility doctor here in N.Delaware who's had a great success rate for many years. Not sure if I'm allowed to post his name here...but could give it to you privately (haven't figured out how to use the PM system here yet).

I'm also not a psych professional but am certainly familiar with my own occasional patterns of doing harmful (to myself) behaviors when I become frustrated and enraged when things are happening that seem so unfair to me. Especially when I feel I've tried and tried.....and then this is what I get? Nothing?
Then I turn into a five-year old and go, well, I'll show you......and start doing all the things I wasn't supposed to. Who in the heck I'm supposed to be "showing" is beyond me, if I think about it. God? The universe?
It's basically a "cut off your nose to spite your face" behavior....but I've done it myself so I can totally relate. And then at some point (like right now for you)...I go "what in the heck am I doing?"

There's also the element of "why have I been depriving myself if I got nothing to show for it? When I didn't get what I wanted? The whole reason I was doing it in the first place?" "Why should I sacrifice and get nothing in return?"

But let me say this...and just to warn you in advance, I'm a huge low-carb advocate.....but yes, I have "stuffed my feelings" and have craved and binged during times of stress. But to be honest, I don't think I'm to blame for ALL of it...because on low-carb, I do NOT, ever, get the cravings or urges to binge.

So while yes, I take the blame for unhealthy eating behaviors, esp. during times of stress, I also believe that physiologically, I was at a huge disadvantage. Because if I eat simple carbs, it's all downhill for me. I cannot control my cravings, my binges, my portions, or my ravenous hunger, etc. My personal opinion is that these situations involve two separate issues...mental AND physical. Controlling your behavior can only go so far when fighting physical carb addictions.

I would also think about finding a better fertility specialist. Just the fact that this woman (albeit not the best doctor, by the sounds of it) wasn't able to locate the problem....tells me there's possibly NO serious problem and you just need to get a more skilled and competent doctor.

deena