I hope this is the appropriate place to post this topic, and I hope that I word this question well.
I'm 21 and I've only dated once, when I was at my lowest weight, just before I did the Honolulu Marathon in 08. I feel as though I had to overcome my perception of myself to an extent before others could see me in a more positive way, but right now I'm frustrated to think about how obsessively I work 24/7 compared to my dating/engaged friends to get weight off (to no avail). Does anyone have a similar experience? Does anyone have any advice?
On a similar note, I also have PTSD from things in my past which directly effected my eating and weight and perception of self and of approaches (whether by men or by friends). Does anyone have a similar experience in this way, or any advice? I really want to learn to be more open to men, but I don't feel attractive at all.
hmmm... my advice is to learn to love yourself regardless of your weight. Once you love yourself and look at yourself in a positive manner, others will do the same--regardless of your weight.
A book I'd suggest is called "In the meantime: finding yourself and the love you want"... it's not weight related specifically, but a good read. There are lots of reviews about it around the internet. It's encourages self discovery and acceptance as the key to finding love.
I want to second the response above, especially with a trauma history. Once you love yourself, you carry yourself differently and more confidently, and other things follow.
Ultimately, what do you think has more of an impact on my lack of relationships?
1. My weight.
2. My view of myself and my fear.
How does one become less defensive? I feel like I'm really learning not to hate myself, but I am genuinely afraid and defensive, thinking that all approaches are going to be hurtful.
Ultimately, what do you think has more of an impact on my lack of relationships?
1. My weight.
2. My view of myself and my fear.
How does one become less defensive? I feel like I'm really learning not to hate myself, but I am genuinely afraid and defensive, thinking that all approaches are going to be hurtful.
2. Definitely 2.
If 2 is under control then 1 is much much much less of an issue. Even those of us who were in stable relationships before large weight gains know that weight was never as much of an issue to our partners as our own image of ourselves was.
In fact I have been at the same weight i was about a month ago and had intimacy issues because I hated myself. I dont now and my (same) partner thinks I am dead sexy. I think he wouldnt believe for a second that these weights were the same. Weight is just a convenient scapegoat.
What does your therapist/counselor say? You do have one, yes?
As for being afraid of approaches, don't feel as though you have to just ride through your fear. If someone appears interested, for example, and you are interested in them, you could do plenty of out-in-public things together where you meet somewhere--and you take your own transportation. Some people might think that's weird, but if someone is really interested, they'll most likely go along. Become friends first and then see where you want to go.
DEFINITELY 2. Confidence will take you so, so, so far. I do, however, struggle with this as well and I look to my best friend for inspiration. Sure, she's a very pretty girl, but more than anything, she has confidence in every.little.single.thing.she.does. In all aspects of her life. And when it comes to men, this causes them to FLOCK to her. She just gives off this vibe where she's comfortable with herself, and i've heard her say more than once before a first date when I ask her if she's nervous: "Why would I be nervous? I don't know this guy. If he doesn't like me, he doesn't like me, and it just wasn't meant to be."
Some of the best advice I've been given (and on this site, no less!) is fake it till you make it! You'll be surprised after awhile you won't have to fake it anymore! Want men to find you attractive? Put off an air where you think you are, and they will. You know that saying "Treat others the way you want to be treated"? I also say "Treat yourself the way you want others to treat you."
I had a counselor, but when I was speaking on the subject of my weight (this was last December also, when I was at my lowest in years) I felt that I was so disgusting that I couldn't even bring up the topic of my perspective on myself, even though it ruled my life. I mentioned it a little and she said "you haven't bought into this whole skinny thing, have you?" and laughed it off. Not incredibly helpful in that topic, but very helpful in other ways...
alexandra-- That friend sounds amazing, and that advice is really good...I have done that in other ways before, being "confident" to be confident. For example, joining the XC and track teams to prove to myself and others that just because I struggle with my weight doesn't mean I don't work my butt off to do something about it.
And already from being here just a short time I've realized what my problem is--my refusal to eat shuts down my body. No wonder it stores fat. And I thought I was broken.
(:
"Treat yourself the way you want others to treat you"...so true. I have tried to live like that, telling myself no one will love me (in my eyes) until I love myself. I've got some work to do.
I'd like to recommend that you get a different counselor! The one you had obviously didn't know much about eating disorders or she wouldn't have laughed it off.
Your mentioning "refusal to eat" kind of raises a flag for me. I'd suggest that for dealing with food issues, you might consider looking for a Registered Dietitian who specializes in eating disorders. Not saying that you have one--I'm in no position to diagnose! But these practitioners know how to approach fears about food and size in a practical way--you might get some useful tips.
Yeah, that's a good idea. I'm hesitant in many ways because of money and because I've looked for counselors for so long to help me with other things, but I think it would be easier to find one to help with an ED. I might be wrong, tho. And it's exhausting to look. But practical tips would be good. I just can't get it out of my head that I am unacceptable unless skinny. ?_?
I'm currently dating someone who does nothing but make me feel attractive and good about myself, completely regardless of my weight. It's wonderful to be able to be comfortable and non-self-conscious around someone and still feel sexy. He supports me whether I lose weight or don't - has never wanted me to lose weight for him, only for myself if that's what will make me happier and healthier.
I hope everyone seeking a relationship can find one where they get what they're wanting and needing out of it.
im the same age as you and i used to think the same exact way, until i met the love of my life last spring (i know its pretty cliche for me to say that since it hasnt even been a full year yet, but when you know, you just know).
the fact is that if youre a good person you will find somebody who appreciates you and finds you beautiful all the time, even if you dont think youre beautiful all the time. i know i don't feel that great about myself all the time and it makes alex upset, because the person who you are is not determined by how you are shaped or what you wear, its your actions.
when i was out dating though, i know what that pain and nervousness was like, and it SUCKS. but you would be surprised by how many guys are actually checking you out without you even knowing haha.
you should read that book "hes just not that into you". at first it hits you like WOW THAT HURTS. but after that it just empowers you because it tells you all the things that we cant admit!
Weight and Dating
But these practitioners know how to approach fears about food and size in a practical way--you might get some useful tips. 
