As has been mentioned, my husband is overweight also, and he has a bad habit of offering me food even after I've already said no. Today when we were out, we stopped for lunch, and he kept offering me things off his own plate. I finally said (softly, not angrily) that he really needs to quit sabotaging my weight loss efforts. He looked shocked and said that's not what he's trying to do at all. OK, so maybe he's more aware now. We'll see if he keeps on with the food-pushing.
As I further explained to hubby, there are people who do sabotage. Case in point, when I was in high school I lived with my grandmother. I have an aunt who is mentally challenged (Can you believe the filter wouldn't let me say r e tarded, when I'm referring respectfully to someone who actually, legitimately, is?) and still lived at home, as she does to this day. Well, anyway, at 17 years old and 200 pounds, I joined Weight Watchers. After I started going to their meetings, I put my exchange list up on the refrigerator door for easy reference. (I don't know what Weight Watchers does now, but back then it was dietary exchanges.) My aunt took it down and hid it from me. And, she would always be furious when I would turn down sweets, or not finish everything on my plate, or even not get seconds or thirds. Finally she told me what the problem was. She was intentionally sabotaging me. She didn't want me to lose weight. Why? Because she was afraid if I became skinny and beautiful, I might get a boyfriend, and bring him home, and he'd laugh at her.
Needless to say, I couldn't stay mad at her after hearing that! I assured her that any boyfriend of mine who laughed at her would not remain my boyfriend. In fact, as I distinctly remember putting it, he'd be lucky to remain a boy.
Of course we can make allowances for my aunt not quite understanding things, although let me assure you, the lady may be challenged, but she ain't stupid! And there are a number of assumptions she made that people of varying levels of education and intelligence also make. For starters, the assumption that I could not "get a boyfriend" until I lost weight and "got skinny"--but that's kind of off topic.
My aunt is not the only saboteur in my life, although she may have been the only one who admits to having done it intentionally. My mother will in one breath make me feel like two cents for being overweight, and in the next breath ask me to join her in some ice cream. My grandmother once cut a slice of pie for me and set it in front of my face, after I had said no repeatedly, coming out with that old line of "a little bit won't hurt you" in an authoritative, commanding voice. She was basically ordering me to eat the pie. She, too, will be very quick with a judgment about my weight, but there she is not respecting it when I say no to something I clearly shouldn't eat. My ex-husband used to rag on me about my weight until I was in tears, then immediately go out and buy a gallon of ice cream and become very angry when I wouldn't partake of it.
My therapist says these people--in particular my ex-husband, and with the probable exception of my aunt--are trying to keep me fat so they can have something to put me down for. They can't allow me to actually lose the weight, now, can they? That would be a sign of success and self-discipline, and it would expose their real motives for their "concern" about my weight. And they don't want that.
What are your experiences? Have you ever been sabotaged, deliberately or otherwise? How did you deal with it?
sadly, yes I have aswell. I have a friend who is quite overweight, and over the past two years of knowing her, I really had put on weight because of it. Even now, when she buys bags of sweets, she'll buy two packs, turn to me and say "so we can share", it's so awkward for me to say "Um, thanks, but I don't really eat sweets anymore." Or when she's bought some and repeatedly offers them to me, I say no thanks, she'll pull a face or just let me know that she thinks that I'm in some kind of wrong. It used to be unsupportive, and quite annoying, but now I don't care too much, I've made my choice, if she wants to lose weight (as she claims too) then she needs to make her own and stop trying to wallow in sweets and take me down with her
Yes, I have, and I just have to say no. I have to be consistent in not giving in, not to please people, not to avoid arguments, not to avoid drawing attention to myself. Never. No means no. It takes a bit longer for some people than others, but it`s slowly getting through.
I always use the excuse that sweets make me feel ill.
I really feel for you being around people who do this.
I have mentioned to my bf that he is trying to sabotage my efforts and I need him to support my efforts instead. He is very supportive now, by be acting more consciously towards me and my relationship with food. He doesn't keep naughty food in the flat any more to temp me. Though, occasionally he gets cravings for naughty foods and invites me to partake on the rare occasion. Which I think is ok.
At first my fiance was pretty bad about it - like, I'd have a good week and he's say something like, "Great - now you can celebrate with a giant cheeseburger!" Or he'd bring home sweet treats if he knew I was having a bad day, even after I told him that I didn't want to use food in that way any more.
We talked about it a lot and I actually found that a lot of it was him just not understanding that much about nutrition and what it takes me to lose weight. I guess I sometimes take it for granted all the research and study that goes into a diet - especially something like calorie counting, which I was doing pretty consistently at the beginning. At first, he didn't realize that to stick to the 1,400 calories that was my goal, I couldn't eat a bunch of 400 calorie treats all the time.
Another thing, when I started to eat healthy, that changed a lot of our traditions together. Like, we used to go get cake together late at night at a grocery store near our house, or I didn't want to go to buffet restaurants as much as we used to. And I think he was scared at first that everything we shared was going to disappear. It's taken a little while, but he's coming around to the idea that we can have different, healthier traditions together.
Just stick to your guns - you've got to do what's best for you!
It's just occurred to me that hubby may not be aware of some things. When he's hungry, he offers me whatever he's fixing for himself, thinking he is being polite. Low-carbing minimizes my hunger, and I simply don't feel the need to eat. Besides, women usually don't need to eat as much as men do.
Even after the previous discussion on sabotage, last night after a sizeable supper, he still felt the need to offer me a sandwich before we went to bed. I believe he does think he's being polite. He may not realize that I'm just not hungry. I think he figured, if he was hungry I probably was too.
On intentional sabotage: In my childhood, when my mother lost her weight, my (at the time) step-father accused her of doing it for other men. It was part of an abuse pattern, and one reason he didn't continue to be my step-father.
Last edited by LovebirdsFlying; 01-17-2010 at 08:36 AM.
Yeah - my fiance is a great guy, but he knows next to nothing about nutrition! He's lost some weight himself, but not through any kind of organized program - he's just been more active and he has that awesome "guy metabolism". Because it's been so easy for him, I really have to educate him about what I need to do to lose weight. Most of the time, putting it into numbers seems to help him get it.
And when things get frustrating, I try to remember it's coming from a good place. He wants me to be happy, and he knows that, historically, chocolate and cake and other goodies have made me happy. Plus, I think he's got some of that ancient caveman, "provide for your woman" thing going on.
Certainly there are situations where sabotage come from an unhealthy place, but that doesn't sound like it's the case with your husband. Just give him time - eventually, he'll start to get it and the two of you will develop new habits and routine that support your healthy lifestyle.
Another thing, when I started to eat healthy, that changed a lot of our traditions together .... And I think he was scared at first that everything we shared was going to disappear.
My mother was a beautiful young woman with a weight problem who loved clothes and socializing. But she also loved to eat her treats. She is now a handsome older woman with a weight problem who's taking statin drugs & had radiation for malignant cells in her breast early in January 2009.
When I visit her, or she visits me, she recognizes the importance of exercise for me and supports my going to the gym in the morning, before she's awake. When we have traveled, she's looked for motels with gyms & pools. That is a really big help. I give her so much credit for that, since she does not exercise herself. (She does clean & garden strenuously.)
But I know my refusal to eat with her the way we used to has made our relationship a little different. No stops at the grocery store for ice cream or, while vacationing, at little gift shops for fudge. No more sharing a huge candy bar, nibbling away at it together all night. No more baking on my part, except for whole-grain bread. Picking a restaurant together is now more difficult -- there are places that I don't want to eat at because the selection is so limited -- usually the downmarket comfort-food places where my mother feels most comfortable eating & which seem to be less accommodating of people with issues about fat & carbs & sugar & additives.
I know that while my mothe r& I sat there together munching, some sort of bonding was occurring, and now that those occasions are slowly evaporating, I have to work much, much harder at finding substitutes. The outings we engage in together in this relationship require a great deal of planning & effort & it is thus less easy for me because so much is no longer on auto-pilot. After a lifetime of the old binge buddy camaraderie, it's going to take years to establish "the new normal."
My reward for not settling for easy & a lapse back into old, comfortable habits (aside from maintaining my health, self-esteem, sanity, etc.) is that I now undestand that there's much more involved here than food. That is just the metaphor or expression for larger dynamics in our relationship. And that I'm attaining a new level of autonomy & maturity. I'm only sorry it's happening so late in my life. Wasn't I supposed to have worked this out already, a decade or two ago? But I guess negotiating your relationship with your mother is a lifelong process.
My mother has finally stopped offering me junk to eat!!! Until recently, when I would turn down one snack food, she would offer me another, when I would turn it down, she would still offer another. It took me getting a little harsh with her and not coming around for a few days, to get her to quit. What I never understood was, she would never make comments about my weight, but about other peoples, then offer me everything in the house to eat. A couple weeks ago, I needed to return the coat I got her for Christmas, so I had her try mine on so I could see how it fit her, so I'd know how to judge what size to get her. To her shock and mine, my coat fit her. She was not happy at all at the fact that my coat fit her, that we wear the same size. That was definately a light bulb moment. I have always known my mother was a very jealous person, but never in a million years did I think this was why she kept me well supplied with snack foods when I was growing up.
Wow, NebraskaLady, that's incredible! I don't want to disrespect your mother, especially without knowing her, but my mind went to Joan Crawford and "Mommie Dearest." "I'm always going to be stronger and faster and better than you," she gloated to her daughter, who was frustrated at never winning against her mother in swim races. Daughter was something like 8 at the time.
My mother once said she was ashamed to be seen with me, because she feared society would blame her for my being overweight. That is, if she'd raised me better and taught me better eating habits, I wouldn't be so fat. Then there's the endless "it's just your health I'm concerned about" speeches... (rolling eyes) but I don't think she was ever actually setting me up to be less attractive than herself, even though she does always offer the ice cream. Or the chocolate bar. Or whatever. I could be wrong, though.
I've moved 3,000 miles away from her, but now I'm told she looks to my 25-year-old daughter (who is built almost exactly like me) as a munch buddy. We think it's because she is addicted to those things herself, and doesn't want to fall off the wagon alone. She feels less guilty having a dish of ice cream if someone else is having some too.
Oh, and comments about other people: We had a plus-size neighbor with three small children. My mother often made remarks about her behind her back, and encouraged us to do so too. Once we saw the neighbor in her swimsuit in her front yard, playing with her children in their plastic kiddie pool. Like any good mother would do. My mother's comment: "Isn't that disgusting? Would you go outside in a swimsuit if you were that big?" Only 10 years old at the time, I agreed that no, I wouldn't. Today I *am* that big, and I say heck yes, I don't care if a woman is as big as all outdoors, she has a right to be in her own front yard in a swimsuit, playing with her own children.
Last edited by LovebirdsFlying; 01-17-2010 at 10:45 PM.
Reason: awkward wording
I keep telling my husband to stop bringing in junk food. He does the grocery shopping. Funny thing is he doesn't really like sweets as much as I do.
So what I started doing was hiding the junk food in the cabinets so I wouldn't see it. If I don't see it I won't eat it. He was being good for awhile then my kids came home from colllege for xmas. Well I can't begin to tell you the amount of snacks around here! Chips, cookies, ice cream, ring dings, oatmeal pies, not to mention the xmas cookies that my sister gave me and a friend on my job gave me cookies she made.
The bad thing about the xmas cookies is I'm the only one who eats them
Sabotage by others?
