I talk to myself.

And not just the occasional word or two. I have complete inner dialogues that usually start with a "friendly" suggestion and evolve into minutes of intense, bitter conflict in which I inevitably question my sanity. One would think I would have learned a way to silence the inner voice, but every now and then, the conversations return with full force...as if the long silence is reason enough to make up for lost time. I know, it's a strange concept to admit so casually, but as I was reading a post by Lizzie2010 and her struggles with a buffet, she said something that struck a chord with me: I just want to eat. I resent my diet.

I wanted to share a lunch experience I had at Subway months ago:


Nice Register Man: "What did you order?"

Me: "A 6-inch Veggie Delight."
Voice: "But I really wanted a foot-long meatball marinara."

Nice Register Man: "You could have gotten a foot-long for five bucks."

Me: "I know."
Voice: "Of course I want a foot-long. I want two foot longs!"

Nice Register Man: "Did you want chips and a Coke with that?"

Me: "No, just the sandwich."
Voice: "Give me a large Mountain Dew and Harvest Cheddar Sunchips right now! Do you hear me!?"

Nice Register Man: "Do you want a cookie?"

Me: "No, thank you."
Voice: "COOKIES!"

Nice Register Man: "That will be $3.25."

Me: "Thanks."
Voice: (I honestly couldn't hear over the screaming.)


That day, I did more than resent my diet. I resented Nice Register Man for not knowing my struggle. I resented the guy in front of me who had just ordered a foot-long Tuna Melt with extra cheese. I resented everyone who waited in line to fill their tall cups with lovely sugary soda. And more than anything, I resented that stupid checklist...you know, the one you're supposed to go over in your head when you feel like a craving.
- Am I emotional?
- Am I bored?
- Am I tired?
- Am I thirsty?

Oh, shut up! I just want to eat what I want to eat!
I don't care why! I don't want your psychoanalytical babble!
I just want to eat!

The voice was not kind to me back then...

When I finally decided I'd had enough, I went through 47 days of hard withdrawal that included not only the physical pain, but the emotional battle of trying to reign in that inner dialogue to a controllable level.

Don't forget that you are not two or three or even four people. You are one person. That voice is not a stranger. It's you, and as you can choose to lose control, you can choose to take it. As you can choose to binge, you can choose not to binge. As you can choose to make poor choices, you can choose to make good ones.

The voice does not control you.
The food does not control you.
The most they can do is make suggestions.
And you can say "no."

i think i clicked on this about 1 minute after you posted it, lol!

This is great- I copied what you wrote at the end onto a sticky note on my computer:

The voice does not control you.
The food does not control you.
The most they can do is make suggestions.
And you can say "no."

Thanks for more inspiration.

Speaking to the voice: "SHUT UP, I control this ship!"

P.S. Not sure why I chose ship...it just came to my mind

Good one! I have an annoying inner voice too....it sometimes taunts me. Does this mean I need help???

Luckily, it's not as loud as it used to be, but it's still there. However, I have another inner voice...the one that is now craving things that I haven't craved before....intimacy, feeling sexy, motivated...etc....so that helps to balance out that evil one that wants me to throw it all away for the "high" that food gives me instantaneously.

Thanks for posting..I look forward to what you have to say next!

By the way, maybe you could write a book about this? Confessions of a Food Addict or something to that effect. Maybe there's already a book about that? Just a thought.

Thank you! I just wrote this down in my journal... after weeks of being on plan, with no issues, the last few days I've been totally wanting to eat anything in sight! I need to break the cycle...

The voice does not control me.
The food does not control me.

I am in control!!

I did too! Thanks for that!

I've had a few talks with "The Voice With Delusions of Adequacy" and she's mostly quiet now, except for the odd occasion where I'm out with friends and even then, she's a lot nicer than she used to be about what I order: chips/fries are shared, the whole meal isn't eaten and one diet coke is ordered instead of 5 or 6.

My co workers and I go to Subway quite frequently when we go out for lunch. What's so funny (funny in an, if I don't laugh I'll cry kind of way) is that what you posted is the exact dialog that goes on in my head. Only replace the veggie delight with a turkey lunch meat sub.

"The voice does not control you"...very inspiring. Thank you.

That's great, thank you for posting this.

I have the same convo with myself at Subway. I have fond memories of turkey subs, root beer, white chocolate macadamia nut cookies and sun chips.

Forgotten Quill, so well written!!! I laughed almost the whole way through your post, thinking, "OMG that's me!" YES that stupid, stupid voice. It's been getting a lot stronger lately, as I've lost some motivation but still stay true to my COMMITMENT to weight loss. I'm sure as soon as I lose a few more pounds and I actually fit into smaller clothes, she'll shut up and realize that I look fantastic *and* I don't need cookies!

Subway can be a safe haven or a warzone. I love going there and either getting a veggie or turkey sub (with as many veggies as the poor kid can fit on there, lol) or a salad with extra banana peppers (my guilty pleasure, plz don't judge!). Most of the time I get water when I go out b/c I realize it's so much cheaper, but I do let myself splurge at Subway and get the low-cal lemonade OR iced tea, which I sweeten with sweet&low. But those oatmeal raisin cookies???????????? OMG.

Something that's hardened my soul against a lot of baked goodies is working at a bakery. After scooping out hundreds of muffins (each 800 - 900 cals, isn't that disgusting?!), panning up thousands of cookies (whole grain cookies.... but they're loaded with butter and got 450 cals IN ONE COOKIE unbelievable!), and all the other stuff involved in a bakery... All of the sudden, cookies, bread, scones, muffins, etc. don't look all that appetizing. And the fact that we're free to eat basically whatever we want on shift takes away the satisfaction-of-forbiddenness factor. The same thing happened to me at almost every single other job I've had (except working at Steak & Shake, where I easily gained 30lbs...... but I was still a really devoted binger at that time....).

Anyways...... Thanks for the post and the shout out lol! GOOD LUCK TO YOU, hope that voice will go stuff her face with a carrot stick and shut up!!

Forgotten Quill - i too have that pesky voice. Not only is she concerned with the food choices, but also the monetary ones (but it would be cheaper to buy XYZ instead of just the amount i need in this moment). i'm tempted to give her a name so I can silently scream expletives in return.

i appreciate your well-worded account of the everyday self-talk we all experience. thanks!

what an awesome post that was! that conversation was sooo funny and soo true everytime! and the chips god i love those sun chips hahaha

I think we share the same inner voice--!

Seriously though, I know there's only one of me...but that voice, that's me too! She's real, and she's serious, and she's struggling (translation: I'm real, and I'm serious, and I'm struggling!).

So for the rest of my life, I have to deal with that internal (although sometimes, when I'm alone like earlier today, it was very much external) screaming, "I just want to EAT!!!" And it totally stinks, and sometimes, it just makes me want to throw a pity party for myself. The pity party that usually happens while I'm weighing my carbs, or cooking healthy chicken instead of goopy, fatty, delicious cheesy pasta (and yes, the chicken is delicious too, but sometimes, I just want a big bowl of cheesy pasta, and not just one serving, as many servings as I want!)

(This post, it seems, was written by both voices)

yep...my voice and I argue all the time. at least I feel a sense of normalcy knowing that I'm not the only one that struggles with the decision every day of what to eat...what not to eat...why I should eat something...why I shouldn't...what if I let myself have 1-2-7 cookies? do I deserve them? yes I do...not I don't...I was bad...now I should have 10 cookies because I was bad and don't deserve to be kind to myself. Ugh. I feel for ya. You're right though...when it's all said and done...they are all just choices to be made. Just choices.

I loved reading this.. thank you.