I'm not diagnosed bulimic because I don't vomit or OD on laxatives, but I have been diagnosed with Binge Eating Disorder. Diagnosed, but not treated--don't know what to do about it. Mentioned it to my doctor, but have no direction to go in from here.
Something sets me off, and I'll begin starving myself. It might be a simple well intentioned remark that comes out sounding like "stop eating" (which I've actually been told to do, though I'm sure he didn't mean it literally) or it might be an obscenity yelled at me from a passing car. Basically I get so disgusted with myself that I don't eat. I might tell myself, for example, that with all the starvation going on in the world, what right have I to be so fat? I battle depression as well, and as cruel as other people have been to me, the most hateful remark ever aimed at me came from inside my own head. "Go ahead and die. It might solve the world hunger problem, 'cuz then there'd be enough left for everybody else."
Of course, we can't go on starving ourselves, and after a while I build up so much honest-to-goodness hunger that I'll eat anything edible. I'm rather reclusive by nature, and during binges is when most people actually see me. I crawl out from my hidey-hole and *eat.* People don't realize that the double-cheeseburger I'm wolfing down is the first I've had since a week ago last Thursday. They just see a fat woman gobbling up food like there's no tomorrow, and think "no wonder she's so fat." Then I feel ashamed of myself for the binge, and go back to starving...
It's been this way since I was 8 years old and heard my first negative comment about my weight. (Funny thing is, I was not overweight at that time, just taller and more developed than average, and therefore heavier.)
And it has not stopped since I became diabetic, even though I realize I "have to eat." My husband will tell me I have to eat. My doctor will tell me I have to eat. But I won't eat. My blood sugar still runs high, I still need to take insulin, and besides, isn't being fat supposedly a cause of diabetes in the first place?
I know the truth. I was assured at the diabetic center that if you don't have the genetic predisposition for diabetes, you cannot make yourself diabetic no matter what you eat. I also know that when I'm starving, my body grabs onto every calorie it can get, and piles it up extra for the next famine. But when those rude remarks come along, everything I know flies out the window.
So that's me, and where I come from. Does anyone have any words of wisdom?
Last edited by LovebirdsFlying; 01-07-2010 at 11:20 PM.
I wish I could jump through the internet and give you a big hug!! I've struggled with binge eating disorder since I was 13 - I was anorexic and actually wanted to start having controlled binges so I could still be really strict with my calories most of the time but be able to enjoy junk foods every once in a while, take laxatives, and go back to healthy eating. It sounded like a great idea at the time!!
When I gained 10lbs from this practice (wouldn't you know, laxatives don't help!), I got really down on myself. The harder I was with myself, the more the binging continued. I got a hold of the problem and hadn't really binged for the past 3 years (save the drunken party with friends or holiday free for alls), I just had a problem with overeating. This summer I binged so much (long story) and gained the 25 lbs I worked hard all spring to lose.
So, you can definitely overcome your binge eating but it takes time. After you start controlling it, you'll always have to be watching for it to rear its ugly head throughout your life, but it definitely won't be as hard as it is now. It sounds like you have some deeper problems that you should talk to a specialist about. I handled my situation by getting so disgusted with how I looked, but learning I really have to love myself enough to care about setting and reaching goals (and not just weight loss ones). It's an uphill battle but you've come to the right place to find support and love. =)
And I think the first step to conquering any battle is to acknowledge your enemy - it sounds like you're off to a good start.
i went through a stressful time in 2008. i was in grad school - other students and teachers constantly implied that i wasn't good enough. this changed my identity. i was now a failure - not only in terms of my overweight body, but also in terms of my mind.
i immediately took control of my body - it was the only thing i could control (if i wasn't intelligent enough, then what could i do? take an intelligent pill? no.) i started starving. i lost 40 lbs in 3 months. then developed orthorexia. lost 20 more lbs.
how is my story like yours? you are grasping to control something - ANYTHING. these terrible reactions are beyond your control, but what is in your control is the ability to tell yourself no to eating - UNTIL- you inevitably have to eat again.... then you are so starved, your biological instincts take over. there is really no helping the binging, that is entirely natural.
i'm still recovering. i changed my life dramatically. i left the grad program, i moved to a new country. i started over. and finally, just finally - i feel i am starting to find this positive, happy place.
i still have to consciously push out the negative feelings or they overwhelm me.
life is really too short for us to be so mean to ourselves.
what others say about us is beyond our control - don't try to regain your control of the world through starvation.
I so much appreciate the comments. Thank you. They are helpful and affirming.
"Life is too short for us to be mean to ourselves." Making that a motto. Thank you, Bonnie.
Lizzie, you're correct. I am a child abuse and domestic violence survivor, diagnosed with Major Depression and PTSD. I am in therapy, but the eating disorder hasn't been discussed much. I'll bring it up again and point out that I need specific help with it.
Last edited by LovebirdsFlying; 01-08-2010 at 10:09 AM.
I've been a binger for most of my life as well, at least since I was a teenager, although the seeds I think were planted when I was a child. I always wanted to eat to excess, and my mom would always have something to say about it.
Your story is really touching, and I hope that you're able to get the help you need. Not being a professional, I don't have any advice for you, but I do agree with your doctor and your husband that you need to eat!
You'll see all over this forum people saying that you need to eat to lose weight. It sounds funny, but it's very true. I would maybe focus on having regular meals first. Just take it one day at a time. Challenge yourself to get up, eat breakfast, then lunch, then dinner. Plan the meal, so that you know what you're going to eat and you don't have to think about it at the last minute. Then the next day, start over again. You'll feel better, physically, I bet almost right away.
Also, join us in the binge-free challenge--the focus here is only on NOT bingeing, nothing else. Not weight loss, not working out, just not bingeing. That's actually my plan, personally, eat regular meals, and focus on not bingeing.
I've been told I've got non-purge type bulimia - when instead of vomiting or abusing laxatives you fast or restrict, it's a less common form and so people don't think it's bad or a real problem, even though it is.
I'd suggest just trying to keep focused on other things. I tend to be more likely to binge when I'm bored or depressed but if I concentrate on something it can distract me.
I know how horrible it is after a binge, and the feelings of guilt you feel, and I know sometimes starving feels like the only way, no matter how wrong you know that is. Try focusing on having 3 meals a day, with healthy foods to make you feel better. That's what I'm trying to do.
I'm a binger/starver
