So there is a woman I work with who is significantly obese - don't want to guess numbers, but definitely noticeably carrying around a lot of excess weight. Let's call her 'Callie.' She's an outgoing, cheery person and generally gets along with other people at work for the most part. We have a few people on staff (myself included) who probably have a BMI of over 30 and are carrying around some extra pounds but not as significant as Callie.
I've heard several comments from colleagues and our boss re Callie's size. The other day a colleague of mine said "Clearly, as you can see, she has problems with self-control..." relating about another situation Callie was in. Or another time a different coworker said, "Well, obviously, for Callie, food is love, so..." and went on to make a point. These are just two examples and there are other times similar comments have been made.
So far when these things have been said I just don't respond to that part of the comment and try to shift the conversation, but it kind of bothers me. First of all, because I wonder if people have said (or still say) things like this about me. Secondly, because we don't really know Callie's situation. She's a mom of a baby under the age of one, and hello, aren't most new moms carrying around extra weight within the first 12 months of giving birth? Or who knows maybe she has some medical issue (like I do) which makes weight loss more challenging. It's not appropriate to make a comment about someone who struggles with depression or some other mental health issue, and it's not appropriate to comment about someone with some kind of physical disability in a work setting, so why is it okay to comment about Callie's obesity and basically imply it is a sign of a weak character? Don't get me wrong - Callie definitely is at an unhealthy weight, and I'm not supporting any bad decisions she is making re her lifestyle choices, but I just don't like it when my colleagues feel they have the right to make comments like this.
Am I being oversensitive? Should I just let this slide? Has anyone experienced something similar? Thoughts?
It should bother you! It's horribly inappropriate to bring up a colleague's weight or size in conversation. It doesn't matter what her situation is - whatever has brought her to where she is today is valid for her - be it childbirth, medical reasons, emotional reasons, etc. It's also no one's business but hers, especially if there is no relation to the work she does.
I wouldn't let it slide if I were in your shoes. Silence is often the same as condoning or agreement. Stick up for her next time or talk to someone in charge about what you've heard. It's harassment and it's wrong.
I don't think you're being too sensitive. Next time it comes up, I'd tell your coworkers just exactly what you told us - that no one really knows Callie's situation, and it's inappropriate for them to be discussing it. Maybe ask how they'd feel if they were her, and everyone else was talking about them.
if it wasn't an "-ism," you wouldn't be bothered by it and you wouldn't be bringing it up here. It's discrimination, you're noticing it, and it's bothering you. Callie could sue for harassment. What her co-workers are doing is judgmental and stereotyping and is no different than saying "women shouldn't get paid as much as men for doing the same job"...or "{race} people are not as intelligent as {other race}" or " {nationality} people are _____"
I don't know what kind of office you work in. Dealing with this situation can be hazardous for you politically - it takes a risk to do the right thing. One of the most effective things can just be staring at the person with a look of dumbfounded disbelief, as in "I can't believe you would say such a thing." another thing you might do would be to just make a point of walking away. But, you will be taking sides if you start to speak out.
Going to HR in a big office is often a waste of time, and if your boss is dumb and unethical enough to make this sort of statement, he/she is probably dumb and unethical enough to be vindictive to you if you start to speak out.
You might also want to reach out to Callie, if you can. She is probably not blind to what is happening. The Alcoholics Anonymous technique of positive attraction might be really valuable (and if anyone asks you why you are talking to her, or whatever, that might be a really good way for you to correct THEIR behavior by saying something like, "I thought I would spend some time with Callie because I have really learned a lot/struggled/etc during my weight loss journey and I was hoping that I might be able to give her some positive encouragement in her own journey..."
Last edited by weebleswobble; 12-05-2009 at 06:01 PM.
It's interesting. Your office is behaving like certain dysfunctional families. Like, a family in which everyone is more or less alcoholic, but one of them is worse than the rest. That person becomes the "identified problem," and the target for judgments--even though everyone is drinking.
In your office, Callie is the "most obese," and so your coworkers get to take the heat off themselves by pointing at her. They can pretend that they DO have self control, etc. because they "aren't as bad." They can even pretend that they don't really have a "weight problem" because they aren't her size.
I think it would be appropriate to say "That's unfair" when someone makes a comment like that. It doesn't have to be said in an angry or confrontive way, but it does need to be said.
The other day a colleague of mine said "Clearly, as you can see, she has problems with self-control..." relating about another situation Callie was in. Or another time a different coworker said, "Well, obviously, for Callie, food is love, so..." and went on to make a point.
I think in either case I would dearly want to ask, "Do you think that is the problem for you too?" But that might make things worse for you and/or Callie depending on the situation. I do like the idea of the dumb-founded look. Or actually saying, "I can't believe you just said that!"
Or, if you're pretty self-confident, you can reframe it as, "Do you think that is true of me?" They will fall over themselves saying why it doesn't apply to you, and might think twice before making those comments in front of you again. I think if you ask the question with confidence (not sounding insecure), it's pretty clear what you really mean without making them defensive.
This situation reminds me a bit of the First they came....poem that was written by a German intellectual about the holocaust.
First they came for the communists, and I did not speak out—because I was not a communist;
Then they came for the trade unionists, and I did not speak out—because I was not a trade unionist;
Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out—because I was not a Jew;
Then they came for me—and there was no one left to speak out for me.
You probably already heard it before, but I think it's a powerful poem. To me, the situation with Callie is reprehensible. She sounds like a wonderful woman who is making the best of a tough situation. I think that people who are this cruel have got some serious issues of their own.
You are in a tough spot, being the moral minded person in the office. If you feel that your job wouldn't be at risk, I would definitely raise my eye brows and say, "you know, this kind of comment is not productive in the work place." If you feel your job would be in jeopardy, then I would just befriend Callie and maybe at least those people would stop making those comments in your presence. I like the other ideas recommended above too.
I probably would say something like
"you know, I really like Callie and think she does a great job. I sure know I'M not perfect, either! I guess I don't really know what exactly she's dealing with, so I'd rather not hear stuff like that about her. I know if you said that about ME I'd be really hurt, so lets change the topic. Thanks!"
Maybe cutting this type of conversation off right away would get it to stop. Peple who think this way sort of test the waters with comments like this. If you don't say something right away and tell them you aren't gonna discuss this, it'll get worse. And if it DOES, you might want to bring it up to a supervisor before it gets out of hand?
Last edited by misskimothy; 12-05-2009 at 09:21 PM.
Peple who think this way sort of test the waters with comments like this. If you don't say something right away and tell them you aren't gonna discuss this, it'll get worse.
I agree with this. They may not even be conscious of it, but this is almost always what people do. Some are better at perceiving subtle disapproval than others .
A very well written post, and wonderful comments that followed it. You are in a sticky spot and nobody is going to unstick you but you.
You can't change people, but you can teach them how to treat YOU. If someone is making comments that you are uncomfortable hearing, then you have an obligation to yourself to voice your disagreement. You've gotten good suggestions so far, and saying something like "I don't see how 'food is love' is relevant to our project" might snap your coworkers into thinking that they shouldn't make comments like that around you. Allowing their behavior is like permitting it. You don't have to be mean or offensive about it, but clearly somebody has to say that this type of discussion is now allowed.
I wouldn't approach Callie about this. You may make her feel worse by pitying her. Just stand up for what's right, there's no need to get romantic about it.
Thanks, all. I really appreciate your thoughtful responses and suggestions. It's so helpful to hear from people outside the situation since within the work bubble, behavior (even if it is inappropriate) becomes normalized. The next time there is a comment made about Callie, I will be more proactive about responding and communicating my discomfort with it. Thanks!
I'm now very fit and slim but few knew that I used to be overweight. People make comments to me about "fat" people all the time, not knowing that I once cried over my BMI and a scale.
So I shame them.
Nothing shuts a person up faster than shaming them.
I say, "I'm sure X would really be hurt if he/she knew people said such mean things behind his/her back".
Shame them into realizing that their gossip could actually be known to the person (seeing as though they would never say it to their face).
I think in either case I would dearly want to ask, "Do you think that is the problem for you too?" But that might make things worse for you and/or Callie depending on the situation. I do like the idea of the dumb-founded look. Or actually saying, "I can't believe you just said that!"
Or, if you're pretty self-confident, you can reframe it as, "Do you think that is true of me?" They will fall over themselves saying why it doesn't apply to you, and might think twice before making those comments in front of you again. I think if you ask the question with confidence (not sounding insecure), it's pretty clear what you really mean without making them defensive.
Julie, I wish you worked in my office! You always come up with the best comebacks!
LOL, Windchime, it's so easy *after* the fact And I don't always have the guts I wish I had, but sometimes I surprise myself It's one of the ways in which age *is* kind.
negative comments re a colleague's weight?
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And I don't always have the guts I wish I had, but sometimes I surprise myself 
It's one of the ways in which age *is* kind.
