I’m 25 years old and have been compulsively overeating for at least 7 years now. It feels like I have been through every aspect of an eating disorder: periods of extreme binging, attempting to purge (with little “success”), and obsessive starvation with diet pills. I’m 5’8” and my “normal” weight, when I’m not binging or starving myself, is about 140, but I have fluctuated between 110 and 190.
What makes this so hard for me is the number of times I have tried to pull myself out of this lifestyle only to watch myself fall right back. I’ve had so many “epiphanies”…moments where I’ve decided: I’m going to get healthy. I usually maintain this for a few months before I stop working out and start binging again, then return to diet pill abuse for a few more months until I lose my mind and decide: I’m going to get healthy…and so on. I’ve been through this cycle in some form at least six times that I can count.
Right now I’m back to the beginning, having recently thrown out a bottle of diet pills and decided to get myself together. But I also feel like I can’t trust myself at all. What does it mean to promise myself to change, when I’ve made this promise so many times and failed? I have no idea how to prevent the next bout of obsessive binging or diet pill abuse.
The reason I have come to this site is because I know this is a place where I won’t sound totally nuts when I say something like “I have no idea how to prevent the next bout of obsessive binging…” People who haven’t been through this hear that and think, well you’re the one who’s choosing to start binging again or choosing to swallow diet pills. Technically, that is true, but to me and probably many of you, it doesn’t feel like a choice at all.
I’ve thought about my actions a lot and I think part of why it feels so hard to break the cycle is simply that I’ve lost faith that I can break the cycle. I’ve seen myself fail so much that I just give up before I even start. I guess it’s good to realize that, but it doesn’t really help much, I still feel stuck, hopeless, and exhausted.
I don’t need to ask if anyone has been through this before—I’m sure my story is reflected over and over again with people struggling with weight issues and eating disorders. I’m almost reluctant to even ask for advice, because I don’t want to go through this again, feeling like I’ve found some “solution” that will keep me from binging, telling myself “from now on whenever I want to binge I’ll just do ____ instead, or tell myself ____ or think _____ and then I’ll regain control...” I don’t want to promise myself anything anymore, I fall so much harder when I do.
The past few months have been abysmal. Since the spring I have been on a rollercoaster of compulsive eating and diet pill abuse, I’ve gained over 25 pounds in just a few months, and have gone back to abusing amphetamines to curb my appetite. Even when I’m taking pills I still eat over 2000 calories a day, and over 5000, up to 8000, on my “days off” from taking the pills. What’s worse, they make me feel angry, depressed, empty, and usually require me to drink 6-8 shots of liquor in order to fall asleep.
I know that this is insane, but I keep doing it because taking those stupid pills gives me that one fleeting moment of control. For a few hours, I feel like I can avoid the kitchen. But now, I am risking losing my wonderful boyfriend, my sanity, and some crucial brain cells (the drugs and drinking are making me stupid; I’m currently working on a PhD in molecular biology and can’t afford any more brain damage).
This week has been great, but bittersweet. I’m reconnecting with my boyfriend and feeling happier than I’ve been in a while, but I’m not sure how long it will be before I burn out, give up, and fall back to old habits. I’ve had some small victories—last night my boyfriend made mac & cheese, and I battled between pigging out or eating none. I settled for a very small portion, ate only that amount, and felt very proud of myself afterward, an emotion I rarely have when it comes to food.
I’m hesitant to post a weight tracker, because at this point I’m less concerned with how much fat I lose and more concerned with how much of my life I can regain.
You may find yourself most at home in the Chicks in Control forum. Dive right in!
I tend to fixate on things then burn out on them. If this sounds like part of your problem, I've found it can be helpful to fixate on healthy approaches. You can even fixate on moderation! I found, in the end, that taking a series of small steps leads to more success than large steps with rebounds.
A possible suggestion -- you might consider looking into superfoods (just google them, you really don't need a book). Trying to balance all the desired foods in a low calorie diet takes a lot of focus and even if you don't stick with superfoods per se, you will end up with an enriched appreciation of nutrition.
There are lots of other possible approaches. You might check out the thread on Beck and cognitive therapy as another possibility.
Good luck and please find a niche to keep posting!
Hi Lauren!
Glad to have you join us! There are lots & lots of different groups and forums - I'm sure you'll find some that will keep you motivated, inspired and entertained!
There are lots of people here with more to lose and lots with less - the bottom line is that we all have to do it a day at a time. The good thing is that we'll have lots of company along the way.
I've only been here a short time myself, having NEVER been part of an online forum. What has been so eye-opening is how much it has helped me. Whenever I feel overwhelmed or defeated, I just log on and read some of the success stories, complete with their before & after photos - or read about others still dealing day to day with their challenges - and before I know it, the time has flown by and so have all the thoughts of cheating or giving up.
Lauren, there are so many here who have been (or are) right where you are now - and have felt the same in one way or another - YOU CAN DO THIS - Don't let the ups and downs make you feel defeated or like giving up - YOU ARE WORTH ALL THE EFFORT!
So welcome - you are in the right place - join in by inspiring us and being inspired!
You seem a bit down at the moment, if you don't mind me saying so.
Different things work for different people and I think that on here you'll find some things that aren't quite for you.....but you'll see some posts and think "yep....that's going to work for me!"
So keep your chin up and have a good look round and join in the discussions. And no need to thank me (or anyone else here, I'm sure) for listening. That's what the forum's for - to sound off and get advice and tips.
Me? Well,apart from my WW meetings this is the only place I discuss my weight loss programme. My husband and children know what I'm doing but, apart from them, none of the rest of the family know and neither do my workmates. I made the mistake of telling people when I've been trying to lose weight in the past and found it became the sole topic of conversation. If they weren't badgering me about every morsel I ate ("are you allowed to eat that?") they were seeking my advice as to the the calorie content of everything that they ate. Drove me nuts!! But I know I can talk here and get sense back.
Anyway, welcome and I'm sure I'll see you around the forum.
Trying to break the cycle
Hi Lauren!
