Hi everyone. My name is Jessica and I am 28. My childhood years were pretty slim, and my early teen years were about a size 14. Even though a size 14 is large for some, on me it looked great. Then about my junior year of high school I gained 100 pounds in one summer. Yes you read that right--100 pounds in 3 months. I ended up being about a size 20-24 for the next 5 years. I paid extra for a private dorm room in college because I was embarrassed to change in front of other people. I had a boyfriend all those years (we got together before I gained weight), and he never mentioned it, but I hated the way I looked. I hated having sex. I HATED when he tried to cuddle at night and touch my stomach. I was unhappy and focused on my weight about 90% of the time in my head.
When I turned 20, I did a low carb diet and lost most of the weight, getting down to about a size 16, which I was pretty happy with. I ended up breaking up with my high school sweetheart and began the dating scene, and got into another serious relationship where I felt the same way about sex and my stomach. My weight was always a struggle, and it would begin to creep up on me, before I would have to really work on it to keep it back in check. I would yo-yo from a size 14 to a size 24, and back again. It was always a constant battle.
When I was 24 I met Cliff (I was a size 14/16). We were together for a year and I got pregnant. Immediately the weight began to pile back on. I gained another 100 pounds, and was devastated, but focused on not dieting for the baby. An ultrasound revealed I had a dermoid that was about 10 years old attached to my ovaries. Basically my body had tried to impregnate itself with no sperm, and the dermoid had tissue, hair and even teeth! 5 months into my pregnancy it was removed, and I was so relieved. The doctors said the dermoid must have caused my weight gain in high school, my constant weight struggle, and my skipped periods as well as the extra weight gain during the pregnancy. They said it was like my body was trying to deal with two pregnancies, so it put on twice the weight. I was pretty much assured that as soon as I gave birth, the weight would start to drop off as my hormones returned to normal for the first time in 10 years.
After I gave birth, I dropped about 20 pounds and that was it. I breastfed, watched what I ate and went for long walks each day with dd strapped to my chest, but no more weight came off. I dared not diet, as I read that was extremely bad for the baby if they were nursing. I tried sticking to a reasonable diet, but after awhile got so fed up I just gave up and began eating pizza and ice cream whenever I wanted. I eventually became the largest I have ever been in my life and topped off at about 300 (really 320 as you'll read below) and a size 24.
About a month ago, I decided breastfeeding or not, I was done and I needed to do something more drastic. I had tried watching my calories and keeping them at 1500 with no results , so I dropped down to 1200-1400 a day and started seeing results for the first time since the pregnancy. DD is now over 2 yrs old, and eating plenty of solid foods, and I just really needed to start losing weight for me. She still refuses to wean, and I just don't know how much longer I could wait for her to be done bf before I can finally focus on losing weight! In the last month I lost about 30 pounds, and according to the Wii fit I was at 270. I was so excited and felt really great about finally seeing SOMETHING.
Then (long story short), Cliff and I separated. He is an Iraq vet with PTSD and TBI and after a violent outburst in front of DD, I called the cops and had him arrested and moved all our stuff out. He had been going to counseling 2 a week to try and deal with it, but it just wasn't enough. I moved with DD into a small studio last week. It has been extremely hard to deal with and I have been so tempted to drown my sorrows with food, but have stayed faithful to my calorie count. I was at least feeling motivated about that, until today when Cliff send the Wii to me, and I got on this morning to see the scale say 285. I realized that it was not a 15 lb gain, but that because of the carpet in the old house, the scale was 20 pounds off and so when I thought I was at 300, I was actually at 320 and when I thought I was at 270, I was actually at 290. And now, instead of being at 265, I am at $*&#(#@*&#@(@*!*) 285.
I am now so depressed. I have been losing weight, only to realize I still have 15 lbs to get to where I thought I was already at. I am so tempted to go get Little Ceasars tonight.....instead of eating a freaking salad.
I guess I should be glad that I have already lost 35 pounds, but I really don't feel motivated right now. I just feel crappy that I got this fat. Crappy about my ended relationship. Crappy about trying to figure out what I have to do jobwise and daycare wise. Crappy that it is 100 out and I am too embarrassed to wear shorts and a tank top, or go swimming in a swimsuit. Crappy that the one form of exercise I really did love (bikeriding with DD in a bike trailer) isn't an option, because the studio I moved to is way out in on the highway and it isn't safe to take her on those busy roads, so I'm back to crunches and leg lifts. Crappy that I am wondering what is going on with my hormones, but I can't afford a trip to the doctor to get things checked out. Maybe I have another dermoid or something. Crappy that I don't dare do low carb, which I know worked for me before, since I am BF and don't want to introduce DD to ketones in my breastmilk. Crappy I can't do a juice fast or something else to cleanse and boost start my weight loss because of bf again. Just pretty much crappy.....
Anyways, I found this website and am hoping motivation on here will help me....it's always darkest before the dawn right? I guess I just feel it is kinda useless right now sometimes, especially after looking on here and seeing that most people have so much less weight to lose than me. I am normally a pretty upbeat person. Guess I am just venting now, lol.
Last edited by jessicado22; 08-03-2009 at 09:12 PM.
Most of us here have had struggles of some kind or another that have affected our weight. I know it is hard but you have to not focus on that anymore. Focus on the new journey you are taking. Focus on the new you that you are creating. You can do this and you have come to the best place for support and encouragement.
welcome! you will find amazing support here. my hubby is also in the military, and suffered threw the pdst..it is very hard for the person, but also very hard and tramatising for the spouse and child. you did whats best for your and your dd future. Look at your numbers, you have done amazing! all scales weigh diffrent, and on diifrent flooring. just work with the numbers you have now..dont dwell on the past...now is the time for you and you dd to start a new future!
You're obviously a strong woman, and its obvious that you're going through a lot, but like ang said look at the numbers...
yeah, you're 15 lbs further away then you thought you were...but that doesn't change the fact that you've lost 35 lbs! That's a huge accomplishment...and I know right now it doesn't seem like much, but think about once you lose 35 more lbs...and you'll see the difference it actually makes. With the amount of stress you're under, 35 lbs is absolutely amazing. Just keep it up and try not to think about all the things that are getting you down.
One thing i've found extremely helpful is going through this forum and trying to find OTHER people who are feeling what i'm feeling and reading the threads they've started...idk if it will help you, but it's definitely worked for me.
And on the scales . . . I knowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww what a PITA it is to see numbers that make you ill BUT you are no different than before you stepped on the Wii.
You were feeling GREAT about yourself and your level ofmotivation BEFORE then so why not just keep going with that feeling?
You have made great strides already after being through so much turmoil and it would be a shame to be in that place of negativity now. You owe it to yourself to feel good
Wow, you have been through A LOT! I can't imagine what I would have done in your situation, it just seems so overwhelming. BUT this is something you can handle, you have done it before, you've handled it before, you can do it again. I know how it feels to have accomplished something and then bounce back up and have to accomplish it again. In fact, I'm currently going through that myself, so I guess we're kind of "in this together" in that sense. I know things look bleak now and this may not have the desired effect, but it could really be worse, I know it doesn't seem like it, but it could be. You have gotten yourself and your child out of a potentially dangerous situation. Good for you. You have committed yourself to loosing the weight. Good for you. You have everything you need to accomplish this....except maybe the whole confidence/motivation thing, which is why we're here. YOU CAN DO THIS!!! You need any support from here on out, let us know, or your also welcome to shoot me an email. I'd love to have some weight-loss buddies too. :-) Good Luck (although I get the feeling you may not need it ;-))
I'm just amazed that you have any motivation at all to lose weight when things are that bad. And that's a good sign. If you can push through this rough patch, just imagine what you can do when things settle down! Until then, we're all here for you!
Just look at how many people took the time to read your post and respond with SO much support. I know it seems just so hard right now, and it is! But thin of it this way; You deserve to be happy and confident. Not just for your child, but yourself. When you're happy, you're a better parent (let's face it, every parent gets a little grumpy here and there.) Also, you're most likely seeing people that have less to loose than you because that's what you're looking for. Like, when you see everything wrong with yourself and not everything that's beautiful and unique. We ALL know that you can do it. Now, you just need to see that. It may take longer than you'd like, but that's what's going to make it all the sweeter when you can flaunt your little self where ever you'd like!
I am also pretty new here also, from everyone that I have met here they are all very friendly and helpful.
I have also tried all sorts of diets but in truth I never stuck to them, something would happen and I would start eating bad again.
But this time I am Determined more then ever I have to lose the weight.
I am looking for friends here also to help me along the way and I am looking for others to motivate me. I also would like to help motivate others.
I believe that if you want something bad enough then you will be a success!!
You Can PM me if you want to talk some more.
Thanks for the support everyone! Like I said, I am normally a pretty upbeat person, but when I got on the scale and realized I was 20 pounds heavier than what I thought I was, I was just so bummed.....besides the fact that the whole separation thing has me in a little lower spirits than normal! All the motivation here helped me though not to go cave to the call of pizza, so ty all! I stayed with my diet, and the other night when I was really tempted to splurge, I got a bag of those chocolate rice cakes and some fat free lemon sorbe and cuddled with my daughter and we ate those. Much better than my old splurge of ice cream or something! The scale was down another 2 pounds today, so that helps some.
I am positive I am going to do it this time. My current goal is to be a size 14 (although after seeing all the awesome ladies on here who surpassed their goals, who knows!). But honestly, I was pretty happy at a size 14, so that is what I cam going to focus on for now. I like having a little curve. I started this whole thing at a size 24 (although I squeezed into size 22 pants), and am now down to a 22 (which are starting to fit loosely and I even fit in some 20's!), so that is only 3 or 4 more sizes to reach my goal! If I look at it that way instead of looking at it like "I have to lose 100 pounds", that makes it seem a little more obtainable. I love those goal photo albums on here, and I am so convinced I am going to be able to share mine one day that I took some photos yesterday and will keep taking them every few weeks or so.
I would love any tips you all might have. I am trying to keep my calories about 1200-1500 a day. (Like I mentioned before I am breastfeeding my 2 yr old, but didn't notice any weight loss when I tried a 2000, and then a 1500-1800 calorie diet). For exercise I am trying to do 30-45 min of Wii Fit aerobics each day, plus I take my daughter to the park in the evening and actually run and play with her. If she climbs the up to the slide, I climb up the slide, etc. Then I try to do some simple exercises like leg lifts while watching TV at night.
EDIT: I should say that I am trying to do healthy calories. I am avoiding sugar and I don't do chemical artificial sweeteners either. If I have to sweeten yogurt or something I try to use Truvia or agave. If you were to look in my fridge you would see mostly fruit, veggies, yogurt, ww tortillas, ff cheese and nf cottage cheese, tofu and alternative meat products (I am vegetarian). And popcorn.....I can't live without it. But I changed from butter coated popcorn to oil/butter free that I now coat with a FEW spritz of olive oil or I can't believe it's not butter and flavor with garlic salt instead.
Last edited by jessicado22; 08-06-2009 at 03:26 PM.
You are SO strong! It's amazing that even with all you're going through, you are able to keep your eating under control and have been exercising like you have! I bet your daughter loves that you play with her at the park, too .
Idk if this will help, but yesterday I joined www.fitday.com and on there you enter what you eat and the activities you do, and it basically puts it all into perspective for you and lets you track your weight and see if anything needs modifying. It really opened my eyes!
Anywhooo.. keep it up girlie! You can and already are doing this! CONGRATS on the first 37 lbs!!!
New on here...and feeling crappy
Hang in there!
