Hi everyone! I am so grateful that I stumbled upon this site a few weeks ago, it really has helped give me that motivating kick in the backside that I needed to get back on the horse. I know I'm far from the only one that woke up one morning and didn't recognize the person looking back at them in the mirror, and run quickly away whenever cameras are present. I've procrastinated and hid my fears and insecurities inside a body that I don't feel or see as being mine for far too long, and now it's that time for changing for good. I want to wake up in the morning and love the person on the outside that I see on the inside!
My story, I know isn't so uncommon. Head hunger, emotional eating, food crutch, all words that describe the trap I willingly fell into. Honestly, I've been in a love hate relationship with food for almost the entirety of life that I can remember. I wasn't always heavy, actually, until high school, I was quite the opposite. From the earliest I can recall, I was always the outcast kid, the one no one really wanted to be friends with, no matter what I tried. I'd get my hair cut to be like the kids I wanted to have for friends, or I'd pretend to have the same interests, but it never worked. I was the outcast that eventually turned to food as my friend. It never showed though, as I was active until just after my 17th birthday, when I was raped and ended up pregnant, and my mother drove me out of state for a secret abortion. It was the most devastating blow in my life until that point, and it put me into a tail spin of problems until today. I started slowly gaining weight for the first year after, and following high school graduation, I practically ran away and kept on running. I lost sight of my goals, what I wanted, and who I was before. I bombed my music department audition and blew off marching band and by the end of my first semester, my parents pulled me out of the college I had always wanted to attend. I was embarassed, disappointed in myself, and crushed that I fell off my path, and nothing would be done how I had planned it. The first winter that I was home, '04, I gained about 30 pounds, but didn't think much of it until I realized I was suddenly buying 15's and the pants I adored before and saved until this day, didn't fit. I stayed at a plateau until the next winter, where I insisted on living on my own after a bad breakup. I had been in a relationship with a guy I worked with, and on Christmas day, he broke it off via text message, also leaving me with no where to live, outside of my parents' home. I also lost my job over it, as he, being my supervisor, didn't feel comfortable working with me any longer. So, I ended crashing on a couch of a friend of a soon to be former friend. Six months I hardly stepped outside except for errands, always wore oversized pajamas/workout clothes, and didn't realize the weight I had gained until suddenly I needed a size 20/22 and none of my bras fit. I went from a AA to a full D, and had exploded to around 250 lbs. (the full D was because I feel that I'm built oddly, excess underarm/back fat that needs to be pulled into the bra to feel/look "normal" versus bra band with armpit boobs) When my parents visited to take me out to my 20th birthday dinner and beg me to move home, they didn't even recognize me. I had had my hair chopped short from chemically frying it, and it was thinning out from stress and poor diet, and was so much of a train wreck in every sense, but I kept hiding for another 8 months before finally realizing that I was out of money and had no other options.
Well, to make a long story shorter, I'm now 24, still at home as much as I'd not like to be, and fighting to find the control over my life that I let slip away seven years ago now. Keeping a job has been my struggle, as has been continuing to let my emotional eating rule my life. I am a certified bartender, but have been continually rejected for jobs because of my weight, versus my knowledge and talent. I won't say life has been all bad, because no matter how I hate what I see in the mirror, I met a man who defying all odds, loves me and has been my rock for the past 7 months. We're looking for a place together, and I couldn't be happier. He is always complimenting me, telling me how he loves how I look, and doesn't even notice the extra pounds. I know he'll be thrilled when I'm happy with my body, and that's why I want to finally see my grown up shape as I want it to be, versus the shell that I'm hiding in. I went from un-developed teenager (seriously flat chested and shapeless until I gained the weight!) to a thin, yet still curvy, woman hiding in a fat suit, and it's time to shed the wall I've been hiding behind and live my life.
I'm motivated to lose the pounds, now I just need to somehow find the drive to force myself to keep to a workout schedule, no more excuses!
Time to recognize the person in the mirror!
