So I need so advice. For the past seven months I have been living with my boyfriend of 2 years. Before we lived together we were in a long distance relationship. We saw each other every couple months for a week at a time. I am 20 and he is 25. For my age, I feel like I have made a huge mistake moving in with him. At the time of the move I wasn't thinking, and just wanted to be with him already. Once you start living with someone you get to know who they really are. I don't think that we have anything in common, for example, I am a Christian and he is agnostic. You may be asking yourself, how did a 20 year old Christian girl end up living with a guy that isn't? I'm still asking myself the same thing. I love him, but I am not in love with him any longer. Recently I've been hanging out with a guy my age from work. He has opened up my eyes and helped me get back in touch with my faith. After the second time of us hanging out he found out my living situation. He doesn't think someone my age should be living with a guy if I don't have a ring on my finger. The only problem is, my lease with my bf isn't up until the end of August. I'm no longer happy in my relationship, and I don't want to break my lease because I would like my security deposit back (3K!!!!). I don't know what to do. Do I tell my bf that I need to reconnect with myself and God, and want to continue living with each other, but as roommates (we have a 2 br). I've never had to break up with someone while living with them. I don't know how it works.
Please help me
Last edited by stellarwbz; 03-21-2009 at 02:37 AM.
Wow, that is a tough one b/c of the lease.... I am 35 and have been through a few things in this life. My first question to you (for you to have to ask yourself), what if an "accident" happened and you got pregnant, could you see yourself tied to this person for the REST OF YOUR LIFE. If the answer is no...... then you either have to be roomates or cut your losses now (3K is nothing compared to what it would cost you in money and unhappiness in the long run). How would you raise a child together being "unequally yoked" (no pun intended for bing on 3 fat "chicks")? Accidents do happen no matter how careful you try to be.
Do you have parents to help you out-- or would it be an "I told you so" situation?
Maybe you could help find him a roomate--- or maybe he is feeling the same way?
I hope you do what is right for you and I truly believe your friend is right for helping you get back to your faith. God Bless.
Hm. I was kind of in the same pickle as you, but I am of a different religion and he's non-religious but this doesn't bother him. We've been together for two years, lived together for a little less than a year, and our lease is up in August. I was unhappy in our relationship. But I didn't realize he was too and that we could fix things. We were going to live as roommates, etc but we got back together and things haven't been better.
It really is a tough decision. I just hope you're not gaining feelings for this other guy because that may subconsciously be the brut of your problems. I do thing you rushed into things, especially since you were in a long distance relationship at first. It makes it hard to see how things would be living together. I've known my fiance for almost 5 years and we only lived a few minutes from each other, so obviously the situation is/was different.
Just remember that you deserve to be happy and that this is your life - you make of it what you will.
I had something very similar happen a couple of years ago. We too had a two bedroom apartment. The first step we took was to move into separate rooms. I was 100% sure that I was done with the relationship. He wanted to get back together, but I did not. Since you've been living together for 7 months, I assume you have 5 months left. I recommend that you DO NOT date while you are still living together. Obviously, the easiest thing to do it just move into separate rooms and continue with your lives, while attempting to remain friends.
I made the mistake of dating other people shortly after and he basically told me to get out. However, he was stuck paying all of the rent and I moved in with my parents. If you have someone you can move in with for the last 5 months (rent free) this would definitely be your best option so both of you can start moving on. However, if that is not possible, you can try moving into separate room for right now and see if that works.
You can also see if you can find someone to live in the second room for the remainder of the lease (if this doesn't go against your lease agreement), and then just find another place. Then, you should still get your deposit back in the end.
It's a terrible situation and I spent many nights hating myself for moving in with him, but you can definitely make the choice to move on and if you're unhappy you should most definitely move on.
I'm no longer happy in my relationship, and I don't want to break my lease because I would like my security deposit back (3K!!!!). I don't know what to do. Do I tell my bf that I need to reconnect with myself and God, and want to continue living with each other, but as roommates (we have a 2 br).
In a word, yes. Maybe you just need to hear someone validate it for you.
Obviously, moving out would be FAR preferable, but not many people can throw away $3000.
But you can't expect it to go very smoothly. Just make sure before you say anything that you're 100% sure. Waffling will make everyone miserable. So will fighting. You have to stay calm and consistent with your values and choices.
But you can't continue a relationship that you know is over, and that you aren't morally comfortable with. OTOH, make sure the moral issues are really there in their own right, and not just as an excuse for leaving or because you maybe like someone new. Be straight up with yourself and your BF. Then just do what you know is right.
This is a tough situation! A couple of things I am wondering... can you afford the place on your own? If not, can you find another roommate? And then its just the whole breaking up with him thing, I was never good at this part.. I wish you the best of luck with this!
If you separate, and live together as friends, do yourself and him a favor. Don't start dating this new guy. Take some time for yourself and get your head on straight. If you date someone else you risk heightening the drama in your apartment.
(a) If you're having doubts about your relationship, you shouldn't be talking about them with random guys at work. It troubles me that you jumped from the sentence, "He doesn't think someone my age etc." straight to "The only problem is, my lease with my bf isn't up until August," as if his opinion is an adequate basis for your decision. If you're going to break up, it should be your and your bf's decision, and have nothing to do with others' moral judgments.
(b) I hope you didn't already make the decision to break up without talking through it with your bf first. If you guys are fighting all the time, your bf has loudly and definitely rejected your religion, or there's no affection between you, go ahead and sever ties...but if things are going swimmingly as far as he's concerned but you're just simmering and waiting to dump him when it's safely past the lease deadline, it isn't very fair. Is religion the only problem? Does it bother you because he puts your church down, or just because he says nothing and you feel alone? Being agnostic is very, very different from being atheist. If he has the morals of a Christian (besides the "living in sin" part, which four hundred years ago would have been considered a perfectly legitimate commonwealth marriage), is willing to open up to your ideas, and is committed to you, then the relationship may be worth working on.
(c) This isn't to say, of course, that breaking up isn't a good idea regardless. You're 20. You'll probably fall in and out of love many times, and you'll probably be a completely different person at 25 than you are now. You probably do have to reconnect with yourself after all this. But you also have to consider how you will affect the other person in the relationship if the "no longer in love" isn't mutual. If you're going to break up, it should be a clean break...none of this awkward "roommate" business. If he's going to have a roommate, it should be a male you find to sublease so you can recover your deposit.
ladyrider72472- I think I should be safe from all accidents. I've been sleeping on the couch for the past week (he thinks because he snores), but I really have no desire for anything. I have to force myself to hug him back. He is really oblivious right now, and I kind of feel bad that I am acting this way without any explanation. My cousin lives about 45 minutes away and she is around my age, so I had planned on moving in with her after our lease is up.
WormwoodDoll I think that if the other guy hadn't come into the picture and opened my eyes I would still be stuck. I guess we both figured that since we spent a week at a time together we knew each other? In a way we did, but there are so many small things that were left out. For example, he is always playing video games. I don't get how one can enjoy life in front of a tv screen. I was always stuck at home because I didn't make new friends until recently, and now I don't want to be at home watching him do nothing with his time.
Precious485 We basically have our own rooms now...one room has all his junk, and the other has mine, except the room with my stuff has the bed...which he bought. So I'll probably be sleeping on the couch still. Lol.
JulieJ08 3,000 is a lot to me. That was tuition for school. I had to put the down payment down because he lied about saving up money for it, and when I found out boy was I mad. Before we lived together he lived at home rent free. He could have easily saved up the money. I feel like a complete idiot typing all of this because it is making me realize how stupid and naive that I have been.
SwimGirl Oh there is no way I could afford it by myself. I wish I could.
sprklemajik I wouldn't. I still think my bf is a great person to be friends with and I wouldn't want to hurt him even more.
tkm256 I haven't really talked to my boyfriend about it yet, I'm still trying to work up the courage to do so. As for the religion part, when I moved here I told him I was looking for a church to attend and he asked my why. Another time he said believing in God was like believing in Santa Claus. I've tried talking to him about it, but he turns the subject to something else. I've also caught him using MY laptop to look at porn. Yeah that felt like a slap in the face. He refuses to get his drivers license (25 yrs old!), and he doesn't drive. If he has to go somewhere, I'm the chauffeur. I could go on and on.
Thanks again!
Last edited by stellarwbz; 03-21-2009 at 01:36 PM.
Maybe I missed something, but did you realize you weren't in love with your current BF anymore before or after you developed feelings for this guy at work? Just make sure you aren't running into this new guy's arms as an escape route from your current situation.
My best friend is going through something similar at the moment and they basically live as roommates while she figures out what to do. While my DH and I lived together for 3 years and it worked out, it's situations like these that make me wonder if it's a good idea. I hope you are able to figure out a plan.
OT: Relationship Advice?
