We're in a long-distance relationship, so while he knows I've been trying to get fit and eat healthier, because I talk about those things with him on the phone, he hasn't been in on the weight aspect of things quite as much. In fact, I hadn't told him anything about my weight loss goal, I wanted to keep it secret until I had actual noticeable results.
Today we were talking about my dad's recent heart problems, though, and my boyfriend said, "You should remember you share half his DNA. Keep up that exercising, we both need to get healthy!" Suddenly I couldn't resist and told him that I've lost seven pounds already since I started my plan on the first of this month. I thought he would congratulate me for taking my health seriously, sticking with my plan, and getting good results!
INSTEAD, he asked me if I've been eating enough and got all worried that I'm not going about this in a healthy way. I ended up having to reassure him that yes, I promise I'm eating, I promise I'm not starving myself, I promise, I promise, I promise. By the end of it I felt more attacked than congratulated!
Grrrrr. I can't really fuss at him, because it's really a good thing that his first priority is me being healthy, not me losing weight. But, I definitely didn't get the feel-good moment with him I was expecting! *sigh* It's funny how sometimes someone genuinely trying to be supportive can make you feel discouraged instead...
That reaction is typical for people that have little knowledge of nutrition. They think diet means not eating, instead of portion size, proper nutrition and lifestyle change. My BF and I went on a diet together but it took him 10 weeks to tell his mother that he was on a diet. His mother's version of diet is not eating anything = anorexia.
First off let me start by saying congratulations on you weight loss. I have learned over many years that you can not depend on others for for happiness or validation. YOU are the most important, it is YOUR opinion that matters most. When we invite people opinions to over ride those of ourselves (you where feeling good untill you did not get the reaction you wanted) we run the risk of falling off the wagaon so to speak. While you want to be able to discuss your progress with those around you and that you love it is probubly better to reserve those conversations in a supportive setting with those in the same positon as you. When it comes to your boyfirend since he can not see you all he is left with is his own prior expiernece and knowledge. I would leave the conversation to what you are doing not how you are doing. When he see's you I believe you will recieve he acknowledgement you are looking for, and he will realize you are doing this in a healthy manner.
Thank you all so much for your responses! I think initially I wasn't really seeking validation--it's just that he talks a LOT about how we should both get in shape, and up until now we've both been all talk and no action. So I was excited to be able to say, "Yes, and I'm really working on it, and here are my results!" (And maybe inspire him to get moving, too!)
It definitely turned into seeking validation when he responded so negatively, though.
In future I will keep my actual weight out of the discussion...let him be surprised when he actually sees me!
Aww, that's actually a sweet response. You shouldn't feel attacked (but you already know this)...he's just worried. His delicate princess may be wasting away, and possibly being stolen away as other men look at her hot body while he's not there and plot a royal kidnapping.
Same for me. I've been ill a lot over the last month, more recently with a viral infection, but my family/friends are still convinced its because I'm not looking after myself, whereas in actual fact my body has never had it so good!
Yes, I think that you just need to chalk it up to some male boneheadedness. My bf is now really supportive and helpful but at first he was clueless and UNhelpful with some comments. I think he still thinks the less calories the better, which is not necessarily true.
Also when I had lost about 15 lbs and many of my co-workers were complimenting me, he still said "Sorry can't see it!" One day he grabbed my leg and was like "Huh... why are these pants so loose?" BECAUSE I LOST ALL THIS WEIGHT, BONEHEAD!!
If your bf hasn't started shaping up yet, maybe he needs some pointers on what actually works. Also its entirely possible he had no idea you'd lose weight when you shaped up, especially since you don't have much to lose to get to goal anyways.
I try not to bring it up too often with my boyfriend, because although he supports me, I know he feels threatened/disappointed in himself that he's not losing as fast as me. It's a tough situation, so I understand how you feel.
Thank you everyone, I feel a lot better now! I did realize that he probably had not equated "let's both get fit" with "bronte155 should lose weight" in his head (which is a good thing!) and was therefore startled when I responded the way I did. So it was sweet of him to make sure that I wasn't hearing what HE had been saying as "you are fat, lose weight" but instead as "we should both try to make healthier choices."
And he may be feeling a bit threatened, I think part of the appeal for him of constantly talking about how we should both get fit was that he felt on some level like he was doing something about our health by talking--and now that I actually am getting fit, there is a bit of pressure on him to also put his words into action!
I told my boyfriend I've lost weight...
