Hi everyone!
I’ll prepare a short introduction and the longer story / bigger picture, so you can choose what you want to read…
I’m 30, in a happy relationship, two cats, no kids, full-time job in accounting, went to university and got my MA in cultural anthropology but then trained to be a hotel manager – well, I’m trying to get there!
Currently I live in Germany, which I hate 8 out of 10 days, but we are hoping to get back to the UK later this year, if everything works out the right way with my man’s job. In the longer run, I’d like to live and work abroad a lot – think Asia, Caribbean, Canada…
I’m not of slight build, so I’ve never been reaaally thin, but in the last 12 years, the weight has ever so slowly been creeping up on me. Now I’m definitely too big (I’ll post my weight tomorrow, I don’t have scales yet, gonna buy them tonight), and are absolutely determined to change that.
I’ve started working out at the gym 2-3 times a week some weeks ago, and actually loving it most days! Now I only need to change my eating habits…
Oh yeah, that was what I consider short.
Now for the bigger picture…
I seem to have a serious problem reconciling my body image and actual body size. I’ve never been tiny, and never will be, size 0 is not what my body is made for. But I can be slim, and I was slim, up to age 18 or so… but always believed myself to be really fat, cause my mum told me so. Now I am obese, but have denied it completely, avoiding anything and anyone telling me the truth, until I got a glimpse of my naked backside in the mirror at the gym yesterday - a shock I'm still not recovered from.
I was on my first diet at 14, hated it, hated sports (well, I rode my bike to school every day and everywhere else as well, and I danced a lot, but somehow I got the idea into my head that sports wasn’t for me, cause I dislike football and running, which is all we did in PE).
My first serious boyfriend nagged me for being too big as well, and he and my mum told me I was too fat for drama school when I finished senior secondary and set my mind to becoming an actress. Unfortunately, I listened to them… if I manage to get it to digital format, I’ll post a picture from those times tomorrow.
So I had no self esteem at all.
But then I moved out, travelling South-America for half a year, moving to Glasgow to go to college afterwards, and suddenly I met lots of people who liked me, I met men who liked me the way I looked, and I stopped caring about my weight. Well, I still thought I was fat, but I believed that it’s not really my problem, but society’s, judging people who are bigger than the so-called norm. I banned scales and full-size mirrors from my life, because I decided they only make you insecure about yourself and make you obsessed about your weight.
Unfortunately, these measures made me gain more and more weight. After university, I dropped any kind of physical activity completely, and started playing computer games… eating lots of unhealthy things at hand all the time. But there hasn’t been a single time in my life when I gained a lot of weight, it was just a slow, constant weight gain.
But now I’m going to stop and reverse it. I know that being thin will not make me happier (well, it will put me in a better mood when shopping clothes…), because happiness must be found within. I started therapy due to serious panic attacks and depression, so I decided to dedicate this year (the first year in my adult life without some kind of school, exams etc.) to becoming healthier in spirit and body, leaving self-destructive, hurtful habits behind.
I just need lots and lots of help and support and encouragement, because for a variety of reasons I won’t get that from people around me. I’m happy to answer questions and I’ll try to accept constructive criticism…
On my way to get healthy in mind and body
