[navygirl79]

I hope that i am posting this in the right forum. I just found this website and am so impressed with the amount of support that is offered here! I don't need support, I just need some anonymous ears to listen.
I am wondering if this happens with everyone or if it is just me. I was always large. I am 6' tall and at my heaviest (in 2005), I weighed 307lbs. That is when I joined Weight Watchers. I stayed on WW for around 8 months and ended up losing over 100 lbs (I weighed 198 lbs). I was ecstatic!!! I looked great and people were complimenting me all the time. It was wonderful. Then I fell off the wagon and figured that I could self-adjust my food intake. Wrong.
I gained back about 20 pounds within a couple of months and just kept yo-yo-ing with the 20 pounds. Then I moved, and gained another 40 lbs.
Last year, I decided to take the bull by the horns and go back to WW. I ended up back down to 187 lbs. And then the cycle repeated itself.
I am not a journal keeper, but when I realized that nothing in my closet fit me anymore, I had to get my feelings out somehow, so i wrote this:

Letting Yourself Go
Last May, I decided to take charge of my weight and start attending and following the Weight Watcher’s weight-loss plan. Things worked splendidly and I ended up losing around 45 pounds by September of that year. I looked and felt great. I would get stares from people everytime I left my house. I had beautiful clothes that matched my beautiful new figure. Then I let myself go.
I met a wonderful man. The man that I have been waiting for my whole life. After meeting him, I would rather have spent time cuddled up with him on the couch than being active outside. I would have rather watched him cook great meals for me than make my own healthy meals for us. 5 months later I have gained those 45 pounds back and then some.
I went to Wal-Mart yesterday and bought a WW magazine. I picked it up today and started reading about all the success stories that has occurred with people on the WW program. I broke down. I gave up on myself. I let myself go.
I am so disgusted by what I see in the mirror. I know that I have a beautiful face. My body, on the other hand, is disgusting. I can’t fit into my pants. All of the clothes in my closet fit a much smaller person. When I was losing my weight, I would systematically purge my closet of my fat clothes. Now I am a fat person with all skinny clothes. And the more I see them, the more I hate myself for losing what I had.
I go to the stores and try to find something that fits, accentuates, hides, lifts, seperates, makes me appear 50 pounds lighter than what I really am. So far, I haven’t found it. The more weight I gain, the more makeup I use. I figure that the best way for people not to notice my weight gain is to look at my face and notice my beauty. I just end up looking overdone.
I called mu boyfriend today and ended up crying about how upset I am with myself. Tomorrow he is bringing over a weight loss program that is supposed to turn my body around in 90 days. It sounds hopeful and will definitely not be easy. I am willing to give it a try. Anything is better than looking the way I do. I want to fit into my small clothes again. I want to be hot again. I want to stop letting myself go and take control again. Why is this so hard?


So I am just wondering....is anyone else going through this? has anyone worked through these feelings??? I know that this is a long post, but I need to get it out there. I just started the new weight loss program and hope (well, pray) that this is the one that sticks. Thanks for lending your ears!

[Mandylyn]

Welcome! And you're not alone I am the queen of yo-yo dieting, not something to be proud of! I've noticed that everytime I yo-you my way back up to where I don't want to be, it is always because of a man. Not that I'm blaming him, but the fact that I get so caught up in being with him I stop focusing on what is really important, *ME*!!

It sounds like your boyfriend is supporting you in your desire to lose weight and be healthy, and this will help you a lot! It will be so much easier to make a healthy dinner for the two of you, instead of your healthy dinner and then something serparate for him. Support is key in weight loss, at least it is for me! Just having someone there to jump up and down and scream 'you rock' when you lose one pound makes you feel like a million bucks!!

I currently have no nice clothes because I'm too heavy and all of my friends are small (compared to me) and have nice clothes. I want to be the one people look at because I'm beautiful, not because my stomach is so big I look like I'm pregnant.

I am currently following the WW lifestyle and I love it! It's teaching me to eat better, but also that if I want a bowl of ice cream I can still have it! You need to find what works for you, and it seems like WW did but you just had difficulty maintaining it. Which is why we're both yo-yoers

Good luck with your weight loss journey and remember we're just a click away

[traveling michele]

Well..... I am strong believer in WW. It worked for me and it WORKS! It has worked for you twice. The problem is you stopped following the program. Why don't you go back to WW, lose the weight, and then KEEP GOING! I still go to my meetings every week and I have been at/below my goal for over a year. I fear that if I stopped going, I might get lazy and unfocused. My weight loss is too important to me for that. If I have to keep going to WW for the rest of my life, I will. It is a program that works. Just my two cents. Good luck with you, whatever you decide.

And don't be too hard on yourself. My WW leader herself says she joined WW 5 times before she successfully kept the weight off (and she's been a leader for over 20 years).

[twilight]

Hi navygirl... I just joined also, and I'm feeling much the same as you. I "let myself go" and I feel like I don't even recognize myself in the mirror. In fact, I avoid mirrors. My clothes look stupid and I feel like a slug.

I'm hopeful I can change this... and I'm sure you can too. We've both done it before. Maybe what we both need, though, is not a diet, but a lifestyle change, so it doesn't happen again to either of us!

Don't beat yourself up over the past. And, don't kill yourself trying to turn it all around in 3 months. Slow and steady will win the race...

[navygirl79]

It just all seems to be a never ending circle. I come home from work, know that nothing I have fits, get depressed, eat, watch TV, sleep, repeat cycle. That is how I gained this much weight. I know I have to change my ways. I am making a valiant effort to do that. I think that right now though, WW may not be the right choice for me. I need a change. I honestly haven't even weighed myself in a few months. I am too scared. And with this new lifestyle (high protein), I am afraid that in gaining the muscle mass, I will be gaining weight-which in theory is fine, but in my head-not so much. I need to focus not on my weight, but on my health. I have started taking vitamins specially formulated for women and seem to be going in the right direction with my diet. I just wish that there was an overnight "cure"
I am so blessed to be with a man who doesnt care if I am 150 or 250 lbs. I just want to kick this monkey off my back for good. I am sick of going up and down. I HATE THE ROLLERCOASTER!!!!!!

[harrismm]

I read your posts.I am so sorry about how you are feeling.I have no idea what the new diet program is but I heard you loud and clear about WW.This worked very well for you in the past.If you follow the program, it works.Its all about making a life change.I think that if you stay on plan,make a lifetime commitment to this lifestyle, you will do well.I can hear the depression in you posts.Life is to short to feel this way.You can take control and change this.This 3fc site is so supportive.I have used in many times in the middle of the night when i was feeling like going off plan.It works.Good luck.