...for such a silly reason. But I need to know if anyone can relate!
All through high school (three years of it, at least), I was madly in love with a boy who was just a good friend of mine. Same old story, honestly. People wondered why we didn't date, but we were just friends. (Except that I was hopelessly in love with him.) Still, that was the deal.
When I went to college we still talked, mostly via IM and birthday cards, but they were always heartfelt, sincere and full of connection.
He usually had girlfriends and I never got jealous, even when he was dating people in high school. I wished it was me, but I truly think I just secretly thought he'd come around one day and just needed to get other types of girls out of his system. But this was all years ago. We've honestly drifted since then. Just a couple emails in the last 3-4 years.
OKAY...I think I've been thinking this all these years. It's literally been 7 years since I graduated high school and I just found out he is dating a wonderful friend of mine from back in the day. She was part of my closest social circle.
So my heart is broken. Literal pain and tears.
Because that was supposed to be me he came back to, not the other girl. My heart is broken because I'm sure they are awesome together. And in high school they even seemed to connect. Would it be easier if it was someone I didn't know at all? Because then I'd think I still have a chance...And am I allowed to email him anymore and send notes on his birthday? Everyone knew I was in love with him...well everyone in my close circle--which this girl was in. So is it inappropriate? Inappropriate because all this time I've underscored our communication with a secret hope we'd fall madly in love and get married? What is it now? I can't help but regret all the missed chances I probably had.
And, anyway, it's still supposed to be me...my fantasy of us kindling romance later in life was entirely possible, it turns out...it just happened with him and someone else...
Am I completely crazy? My heart broken because of something that never was?
So sorry. It is painful to go through these things.Wish them both well and pretend you mean it and forget about him, he obviously is not the man for you, but I am sure he is out there, be patient, and don't torture yourself with what might of been.
Have you thought about emailing him your true feelings? Maybe he just doesn't know or never knew...it's not high school anymore; everyone plays headgames in high school...has crushes, is shy about confronting someone they have feelings for, etc...but high school's over and you're out in the real world! If you want something bad enough, then go for it. The worst that could happen would be that you don't get him; but at least you would KNOW what the outcome would be. I know it's easier said than done, but you'd save yourself a lot of grief and wondering.
And I wouldn't resent the girl that's dating him either. It's been 7 years since you were all a clique, and a lot has changed since then. There's no way of knowing if your feelings have faded or not when you never say anything to anyone about it.
I'm so sorry about your situation...I've had plenty of close friends go through the same thing...cheer up hun!
Well, I can relate to unrequited love, to having friendships that everyone else (including me) thought should be romantic... I've had those. Repeatedly. For years.
However, I wouldn't go declaring my love to him now. Honestly, not many people had a lot of crushes on me... I usually on the giving end. But my friend had lots of people interested in her in high school and years later, many of them were like "I used to have such a crush on you in high school!" and she'll either say "Yeah I knew" or "Oh." .... in both situations, it's AWKWARD. Maybe some other people can prove me wrong but that whole "I had a crush on you back then" "Oh me too" "Let's get together and be happy!"... I think that's the stuff of movies. I've only ever found it to be true that when these confessions come out, they usually find out that the person knew about it and never acted on it for a reason--they weren't interested!
You said you drifted apart from this guy.... if not to strike up a chance at a relationship, what other reason do you have for staying in touch with him? You say you want to send him birthday cards but you've done it in the past with hopes for more. I totally believe your heartache but spare yourself an even longer and more drawn out grief session by canceling that hope.
Seriously, if I were you I'd put up an ad on Match.com or something similar and watch the replies flood in with people who are EXCITED to meet you. You don't even have to answer any of them, but trust me, it is exciting and it feels good. I played the friendship/coy flirting game for 5 years, hoping these guy friends would be my soulmate, the stuff of movies, you know? For me, it never happened. I finally wised up, put myself out there and started dating... I met a lot of great guys, one who is my long-term boyfriend and who is WAY better than I ever dreamed I would have... and seriously a lot better than these guy friends I wasted so much time pining away for.
I am in the same situation, but there are a few diff. like its been 10 yrs for me with him and he's not dating any in our circle. He's dating some1 who's 7 yrs younger than he is (27). i figured if its meant to be it will happen. but u have to go on with ur life and hope maybe 1 day he will realize, but u might be waking up to a guy whos knows how great u r. i still think that u should be his friend not matter what girl he has in his life and still send him things. i actually found 2 songs related to this situation there both by Katie Armiger one is called "unseen" and the other is called "let him go" so chk those out. if u ever want to talk more about it email me.
Last edited by CurvaceousCutie; 01-16-2009 at 05:51 AM.
I agree, I mean, I'm a little younger, and we didn't know each other in Highschool, but we've known each other for almost 5 years, I'd brought up dating in the past, he either told me he wasn't interested and 'just wanted to be friends' or he said he'd think about it. Anyways, it doesn't matter anymore, I moved on, and I still love him, he's one of my closest friends and still people can't believe we're not together. Most people say, oh he'll come around, but at the same time, having moved on, and knowing him so well, I don't know if it would work between us. And besides, if it takes him say another 2 years to realize that he wants to be with me and I'm not interested. He'll just have to live with that. Plus, I could never -not- be friends with him. Like I said, I love him, and I LOVE his parents. TOO attached. Sometimes moving on as hard as it is, in the end it's the best thing and you'll feel it.
Well, if you two were "meant to be" you'd have been by now if you get me, and I think in time that'll give you peace in a way.
Could it be that you've held onto him as an almost perfect fantasy to stop yourself getting involved and hurt by/with someone else? Almost like deep down you didn't really want to get together because then your ideal would have been shattered?
You could tell him how you feel, I'm sure as a longtime friend he'd take it well..but perhaps even if you got together, it wouldn't be what you really wanted, which was escapism?
You have some bigger problems, though. 1. Men are not mind readers, and you are not in a romantic movie. Men are not intuitive. Short of holding up a banner proclaiming your love for him and screaming it into a megaphone while fireworks go off and F-16's fly overhead, he will not get it.
2. You've spent all this time with a secret crush and you let him put you in the 'like a sister' category. Unfortunately he just doesn't see you in a romantic light, and that's kinda your fault.
Now, you can tell him, but 99.9% it will weird him out and you will likely get your heart broken again. With the distance, I don't know how you can manage this, but the trick is to get him to where he starts to see you with more of a sexual interest. Then once you've got him attracted to you, you can tell him how you've always carried a torch for him. If he's not putty in your hands at that point then he's got other issues.
If all else fails, m'dear you need to get out and meet new people. It's okay to fondly remember those days and the boy you had a crush on, but to still be this emotionally tied to someone from high school 7 years ago is kind of obsessive and it's not healthy. It kind of makes me feel like other stuff is going on with you. Am I right? You can PM me anytime if you want. Sometimes it's easier to spill your guts to kind strangers than people you know. Good luck and I hope a bit of sleep helped you feel better. MORE HUGS!!!
Last edited by NishKitten; 01-16-2009 at 08:38 AM.
Aww, sweetie. I understand how you feel and it's not fun. I spent years pining after the wrong guys, willing them to fall madly in love with me. Something clicked with me about a year ago, and I decided that I was worth more than that. I deserve someone who's as crazy over me as I am over him! I am in the best relationship of my life, and I really feel that I needed that shift in my mindset, or this relationship would never have developed.
I know it's hard to let go, but it seems like it's time. Free yourself up for something wonderful to come along. You deserve it!
I agree with Nish. I'm so sorry that this has happened you and it really does suck.
Do you think that you both are different people than in high school? You haven't talked to him much over the past few years. How do you know that you would still like him? He's probably changed and you've probably changed. I know I'm not the same person I use to be in high school or heck even a year ago!
And honestly, your friend probably thought that you had gotten over him so she didn't even think about it. You need to do what's best for you. If you can be his friend and send him happy birthday greetings, cool. But if you can't, don't. Only you know what you can handle.
Keep your head up! You can do this.... and we're here for you girl!
*HUGS*
I met my best friend when I was 13. I am now 23 and I can honestly say that in the 10 years of our friendship I was in love with him for seven of them. I always had that hope, that thought that we were meant to be together. I told him how I felt and the feelings weren't reciprocated but I always hoped.
3 years ago I met my bf who I adore...but those feelings for my best friend have never completely gone away. He's always going to be the first man I ever loved and for at least 4 more years he will be the person that I loved the longest.
BUT. Regardless of what movies say it is next to impossible to change how someone sees you, especially if you have been friends for as long as you have. I don't advocate giving up on your friendship because people that you love and connect with are important. However, it might be good for you to take time away from him. If you want, you can use the opportunity to tell him how you feel about him. You can let him know that he hasn't done anything wrong, that you care about him, but because you feel so deeply you need a break in order to get your emotions together. BUT, if you do choose that course of action, especially given that he has a gf who was a friend, you have to make sure that he understands that you are telling him for your sake, not because you expect anything out of him. I won't lie, there's a lot of potential for awkwardness and friendship ending revelations in unrequited love. But ultimately you have to weigh the potential awkwardness against the pain of the present situation ask yourself if it's worth it to carry an unrequited torch for so long. Which is worse, a definite answer or the uncomfortable potential of what you're dealing with?
Seriously, if I were you I'd put up an ad on Match.com or something similar and watch the replies flood in with people who are EXCITED to meet you. You don't even have to answer any of them, but trust me, it is exciting and it feels good.
Thanks! I've gotten this suggestion so many times and usually fall back on my town just being too small for that kind of thing. (Puts me out there too much?) But new reasons are always out there for me to do it and I think I'm building confidence.
Quote:
Originally Posted by CousinRockingChair
Could it be that you've held onto him as an almost perfect fantasy to stop yourself getting involved and hurt by/with someone else? Almost like deep down you didn't really want to get together because then your ideal would have been shattered?
I wish I had been consciously holding on because then my feelings of devastation would have made sense. Instead I felt embarrassed and had to run to this board to find strangers to talk it out with. (Which has turned out to be the best idea because otherwise I'd have told no one!)
Quote:
Originally Posted by NishKitten
If all else fails, m'dear you need to get out and meet new people. It's okay to fondly remember those days and the boy you had a crush on, but to still be this emotionally tied to someone from high school 7 years ago is kind of obsessive and it's not healthy. It kind of makes me feel like other stuff is going on with you. Am I right? You can PM me anytime if you want. Sometimes it's easier to spill your guts to kind strangers than people you know. Good luck and I hope a bit of sleep helped you feel better. MORE HUGS!!!
Thanks, Nish. Yes, all right on. But I will admit I don't feel obsessive about the boy because I didn't realize how much I had been holding on to it until I saw pictures of him and girlfriend on Facebook. Then I realized how ridiculous it is. And straight from a Crazy movie. And, yes, sleep helped.
As far as what I'm going to do, I have no idea. It's helpful to read all of your stories and I wish I could reply individually.
Hoping for friendships to turn into romances is the name of my game and it's gotten me nowhere in 26 years. And I've tried little other ways.
But I do think admitting that all is great, it's just figuring out how to change it that is scary. And uncharted territory!
Yeah, jerzygal, I was the same way for the 5 years I was single between boyfriends. Maybe because I wasn't friends with my first bf and when that ended, I thought I should try to be friends with a guy first.... I think NishKitten said it, you put yourself in the "sister category" and it's hard to get out of it. Finally after 5 years of male friends that went nowhere, I worked up the courage to say "I want a DATE!" when I would meet guys... and it worked! I think I felt since I was kind of overweight and not that pretty and whatever whatever blah blah blah that I was at a disadvantage with men--I had to show them what an awesome friend I was first and THEN they'd realize I would make a great gf. For me, never worked. Once I gained some courage and put on a confident face, MANY guys wanted to date me. It surprised me. They all said "I love how confident you are, and also you're pretty and smart and cool."
Good luck to you! And feel free to talk out any dating adventures you have. We all love that stuff!
Had my heart broken today...
I'm sorry you're so sad about this! 
