[artsnsmarts]

Hey ladies.

This is totally un-WL related, but I really could use some help on this.
WARNING: This is long. I appreciate you reading it in advance.

My dad and I basically don't have a relationship. Following an abuse situation when I was 12, I didn't live with him anymore and saw him only every once in a while. At the end of high school I started running the office side of his business, so I saw him occasionally, but tried to schedule my time when I knew he'd be out of the office. Since I've been in college, I've seen him probably twice a year and it's just totally awkward. He's very socially awkward just by nature, but the history of the situation doesn't make it better.

His wife has a tendency to give horrible horrible gifts to my sister and I (She doesn't really know us at all), so we've started just asking for money. Since both of us are in school, it's really the best gift anyway. Sometimes it's $50, but recently, he's given me (not my sister. only me. weird.) two very large gifts (in the $1000 range) after I had a very long and painful conversation with him about how he has never contributed a dime to my education (My mom gave as much as she could, but I'll still have a ton of debt) and how his absence has really affected me as an adult.

This Christmas, I asked for money and he said that it was fine, and said I should be receiving a nearly $1000 check. I said that I would appreciate it more if he just took that and split it between me and my sister, which he said he would do. She's really needing money for school, and I didn't want him to just give me a bunch of money and her none as he's done before. After not receiving anything or any more word (including a phone call on Christmas or New Years...he was in North Carolina with his wife instead of spending it with us ), my sister talked to him recently and apparently he plans on sending it in "weekly installments", which means we probably will not be receiving anything.

My dad isn't rich by any means. He owns a small business and lives pretty simply. The fact that he ever gave me $1000 seemed weird, but now the fact that he offered it and now isn't delivering is even weirder.

Should I talk to him about it? Or just give up and figure that he's always been unreliable and he'll always been unreliable? I don't know what to do since I was really counting on that money to help with the coming semester. I have enough to pay for my tuition, but I was planning on studying at a specialized program during the summer that, now, I may not be able to save enough for.

Any thoughts, ladies? I'm really stuck here.
I want to give him the benefit of the doubt, but he's let me down so many times before that I hate to set myself up for disappointment again.

[Bee20nine]

The best advice I can give is maybe for you to read my "story"

I live at home, and have a weird relationship with my dad. I don't really talk to him unless I have to because he has done some things over the course of my remembering lifetime that are just really un-excuseable as a father and husband (i probably need therapy bc of him). When I went away from school my first year, and he paid out of pocket $700 for my tuition total for the year, and I paid for my books which was around 600-700. He also gave me $25 a week to live on because I lived in a dorm, and had a full meal plan so he thought I would have no other needs. After that first year, it basically was the last time he paid for anything regarding my school. I have only asked for money from my parents probably about 3 times since 2003, tuition, books, or anything else school related or life related other than med insurance and a place to live was on me. Every time I have gotten money from him he hangs it over my head like I owe him (even if I pay him back) and I should be at his beck and call whenever he needs something.

My parents are broke, I believe because my dad is an extremely piss poor money manager. We have collectors calling the house all the time saying crap is 2 months late etc. We have had our phone, cable, and internet cut off turned numerous times and threats to have our lights, and heat cut as well. My parents make enough money to have money and he pisses it away. If I had to count how much money I have "loaned" to my dad and he has never paid back it would ring up probably in the 2-3k range, and he thinks he doesnt have to pay back because I should be in debt to him because he raised me. I understand its expensive having 3 kids in college, however we are contributing members of our house so its not like they are floating the boat themselves.

If I were you, I wouldn't count on it and I would try to scrounge and save whenever, and wherever possible and if you can make it happen go for it. If it is meant to be it will be. Also, building on the fact that he has flaked in the past doesn't give me hope that he will be there now unless he has shown a consistent pattern in other ways.

P.s Sorry to be so doom and gloom.

[artsnsmarts]

That's sort of my thought as well. I waitress 4 nights a week (can't do more because of class schedule) plus a double shift on Sunday and am saving as much as I possibly can. I currently have about $2100 saved, and will need $5000 by the summer, which is definitely possible, but it will definitely be hard.

It's nice to hear that I'm not the only one who's ever been in this situation.


Any other words of wisdom, ladies?

[tinycrusader]

My dad and I have a similar relationship. Even if he says he'll pay for something I usually have to plan some other way, just in case.

I would ask him about it, but don't expect him to come through on it. Good luck. You're not alone .

[artsnsmarts]

That's a good idea.

What makes it even more frustrating is that my bf's parent are CRAZY rich. CRAZY CRAZY rich. They pay over $80,000 a year comfortably to let their kids go to school -- it doesn't change their lifestyles at all. So while bf is on a first-class trip to Puerto Rico staying in an amazing resort and eating $200 steaks, I'm worrying about whether I have enough money for school this summer. I try not to be jealous, but seeing someone with something that you want so bad and they have to easily? Not fun. Especially when it's money...

[Lovely]

As sucky as it is that your father said he would do something & probably isn't... you're going to have to deal with money on your own as best you can.

Do nothing. Contact him as you normally would (or wouldn't), but do not bring up the money. It was supposed to be a gift. And seeing as a gift is supposed to be freely given, badgering him for it would only make it not a gift as well as perhaps cause even more tension between you both. Let it go. Secure yourself financially as best you can, and if that money happens to come then be thankful, but don't plan on it.

[kisskiss]

I agree with Faerie. Bringing it up will serve no real purpose
I am so sorry that your dad is one of those types. So is mine. but, I completely stopped talking to my father after certain instances (I haven't talked to him since I was 17). My mom gives me as much money as she can, but she's broke too. Thankfully I get financial aid. But, I can relate to all of you. I work, sometimes insane hours just to have some sort of money.
to all of you

[artsnsmarts]

I agree with you ladies. Bringing it up serves no real purpose, it seems to me. Though it was a gift, it's SCHOOL support that he says he'll help out with and then doesn't. I don't get money from him that doesn't go toward school.

I think it bothers me more that he was just planning on not telling me.