I've been wanting to post about this for a while, but I haven't known how to phrase it without seeming like a whiner or conceited or, I don't know, something. However, this has been an especially difficult last couple of weeks with regards to this particular problem, so I'm just going to bring it up and see if anyone else has experienced this.
I have always been a person that other people like to talk to. I am pretty good at reading peoples' emotions and giving them what they need, and I am generally outgoing and funny. When I was overweight, this translated to having lots of friends -- both male and female, and being popular as a party guest.
Since I've lost the weight, however, the dynamics in my relations with a lot of men --even men I have known for a long time -- have changed, and I guess the dynamics with how I relate to some women have changed a bit too. When I act like I used to act, I am perceived differently. Now I am always having to watch how close I stand, how wide I smile, what I say and who I say it too. I MISS being everyone's buddy. I am attractive, but it is not like I am drop dead beautiful or anything. I have good skin and a nice body, but I am not Miss America! Regardless, men seem to like me...a lot. Women don't seem to like me quite so much.
A couple of weeks ago at an office party for my husband, a man we have known for ten years came up behind me and pressed his whole body up against mine and whispered that I was gorgeous in my ear. I set him straight with a nice verbal swipe, but BOY he hurt my feelings. Another of my husband's co-workers also came up to me and, while talking to me, started stroking my arm and then asked me if I'd been working out. Same party, another guy came up to me and told me he really liked my hair cut...which would have been fine and a nice compliment except that his wife, who was standing right next to him, said, "But you hate short hair." The idiot turns to her and says, "Well it didn't look good when you cut your's short. Dana looks amazing." So his wife turns to me with eyes narrowed and says, "You should have heard them talking about you at our table before dinner. That is quite a dress." I felt sooo vulnerable and, well, icky...that all these men, a lot of whom my husband has worked with for years, were discussing my physical attributes -- and in front of their wives and girlfriends. We were at a black tie event so my dress was sleeveless, but it was NOT revealing! I had on a black, knee-length sheath with a simple square neckline -- no cleavage showing, no plunging back -- just a nice dress.
Last week the freakin' bagboy at the grocery store told me I was "hot"...or actually what he said was something like..."When I was in the Marines, we didn't have any "hot" women like you there." Just yesterday, the guy who makes my coffee at Starbucks said he hoped I didn't think it was wierd if he asked me for my phone number. I've been going in there for two years...often with my husband!
While I am not above enjoying a little attention, this level of attention is kind of freaking me out. I've been thin before in my life, but I was younger and maybe I was more self-absorbed or enjoyed my "power" over men more or something...because this time around it is definitely dampening my joy in my new body. I lost this weight and built these muscles FOR ME...but these days it sure as **** feels like my body belongs to everyone else. I love my new found strength and the fact that I don't get winded. I love that my husband's eyes light up when he sees me...but I am starting to miss that plump woman who got to be friends with everyone...and didn't have to worry about all the rest of this crap!
Well.....I don't have any answers for you, just that I have run into some awkward moments with some men/acquaintances as well and it is really irritating and creepy......
Just continue to be yourself. We can't control how others react to us, and our new bodies are none of their business anyway. I know I've perfected a bit of a chilled expression when someone crosses boundaries....but I know what you mean about a formerly relaxed laid back relationship changing.....I dunno what to say except that I understand and I've experienced it a bit too.
Yeah. It's really unfortunate, because being heavy, you don't really develop the resources to deal with skeeviness like other girls do. And so when the skeeviness comes (and it DOES come), it really throws you for a loop. At my last office party, my butt got grabbed by a colleague. And it made me really uncomfortable.
All I can say is that inappropriate people shouldn't change YOU and your personality. Look, you're not hitting on these men by virtue of being attractive...they're just being inappropriate, period. So if you want to be the girl who is friends with everyone and doesn't worry about this BS, you CAN be! The unwanted attention is annoying but you're not doing anything to cause it, so don't let it change who -you- are.
Last edited by mandalinn82; 12-15-2008 at 04:17 PM.
This is honestly why I'm scared to lose weight. I've always gotten unwanted male attention, not so much now, but in the past, and it's really made me uncomfortable when it's not wanted. I honestly don't know what to say to you. Only I guess next time you're at a party like that with your husband, make sure he's always with you. I just think it's sad that some men just don't know their limits, and what is appropriate and what isn't.
I can relate. I haven't been heavy my whole life and received some attention when smaller. I've always been the life-of-the-party. The girl everyone knew and liked. The good friend to everyone, being so caring, etc. I have many guy friends and few (but amazing) girl friends. One of my closer ones, though, has always been envious about how well I just naturally get along with others. So of course that started small tiffs with us. And I noticed if you're talking to a guy who seems interested, the girls will bark all over you until they get attention. I've never paid much mind to it, since I never craved a man's attention like that.
But I'm so use to just being the "girl" friend. Nothing sexual, or wanting more. No strings. Just your typical friend. But since I've been losing weight, I've noticed subtle changes. I've been asked by a few men at my work for my number. One older gentlemen, who was married and has kids my age, insisting on hitting on me. I didn't realize it at first, but as the conversation continued, it was more clear. But the topper of things lately, an ex of mine, also a good friend for years, started working by me. He now visits me often and the first day he saw me in a year and a half, after he left he texted me and said "You look so good". His visits became more frequent and he's always looking me up and down. It makes me uncomfortable. Especially since my co-workers poke fun and call him my "side boyfriend". He knows I am engaged and live with my fiance. I just wish he'd stop. I don't want to throw away a good friendship based on something that should be able to be controlled. Luckily my fiance doesn't have jealousy issues. He knows I have a good amount of guy friends and he never seems bothered. He enjoys hearing my stories about the few crazies I attract at work. I work on a popular, main street in Philadelphia...and man, I get my share of crazies/drunks/etc. If a guy asks for my number, I politely tell him I am engaged.
And I agree with mandalinn82. Don't let it change you. You did this for YOURSELF. Don't let them discourage you. If it really makes you uncomfortable, say something. Be nice about it, but if they don't listen..then, well, be forceful. You're a married woman and they should respect that!
Last edited by WormwoodDoll; 12-15-2008 at 05:24 PM.
I just read your post to my husband, he SO does not agree with how the men are acting. He said "So what are they thinking, that since she worked so hard to look like that, she should have to accept their actions?" I think what you need is that confidence you use to have. You need to put them in their place, let them know you do not approve of their actions. As far as the coffee guy, could say something like "i well I really don't think my husband would care for that, but you are welcome to ask him"...lol with the guy that pressed his body against yours, tell him to BACK OFF, to get out of your space. Let anyone you come in contact with know that is it NOT ok to get in your space and you can do that with body language and words to in necessary
Wow, what an interesting post this is. I'm not sure if that's a recent photo in your avatar, but my goodness, you are stunning. Unforunately, that brings with it some unwanted attention from others at times. Also, it brings jealousy from other women. Maybe in time you will find a way to not let others perceptions and reactions make you uncomfortable. I think it will take you awhile to get used to. Why should you tone down how you act around others though? You should not have to apologize for your outgoing and charming personality. Part of your losing weight was wanting to be the best you could be, correct? Well, continue to be who you are....the outgoing, friendly woman who is always smiling (big!) and everyone's friend. If jealous people cannot handle it, it is their problem. Don't downplay yourself to make others happy. Way to go on your great accomplishment!
I remember the first time I lost weight-down to 140 from 315-ish, people really started treating me differently too. Nothing as forward as what you're getting mind you, but enough to make me uncomfortable & such. Some of the behavior you described is just disgusting to me, since boundaries are very important. Other than empathy, the only thing I can offer is a suggestion: maybe you should get a taser (!?) to keep these guys in their place!
I was also the friend to everyone-nice to hang out with-but no threat to anyone. Well, since I've been losing weight I have noticed that my guy friends want to talk with me a little more, and my girl friends dont like it much. I have been told that "I was a lot more fun to be with" when i weighed more. I think that the biggest thing is that I have some more confidence and people dont know how to handle that. I have also had a couple of patients (men) flirt with me at work. I do wear a wedding ring and I dont encourage anything, but I have had to make of point of mentioning
my husband and my rather large family (6 children). I do notice that I stand a little taller, and walk with more confidence, and maybe that is what people are relating to?
Thanks for the responses everybody! I didn't know what I expected, but I felt really odd putting the post up. You guys, however, were great.
Reading back over my original post, I realized that I might have sounded a tad wussier about all this than I actually am. Attention from strangers I can handle like nobody's business. I do cold stare amazingly well -- I think it might be the arched eyebrows. The problem I have been floundering with is that these are men that I know...all three of the guys at the party, and most of the people at the table, have been to my house at least once for a social event and most of them a lot more than that. I have been chatting with that particular bagboy for at least three years and the Starbucks guy for something like two. It is the KNOWN factor that has made it sooo darn uncomfortable -- but I'm getting there.
Besides, with all my new muscles, I'm pretty sure I could take most of them down if I needed to...and I could DEFINITELY outrun ALL of them.
Lainey2 Thanks for saying I'm stunning. I don't think I live up to that particular title...but it was a nice thing to say. The picture was taken a couple of months ago by my husband, and I think I look a little goofy in it, but my husband likes it a lot because he says my smile looks like my "real smile" and not my "picture smile"...so that is why I chose it...in my pursuit of being the "real me" on here.
Oh wow. I totally know how you feel. I lost a lot of weight after college. By a lot I mean from 180 to about 135. I used to be the girl everyone wanted to chill with and watch football with and go to a bar with...but then everything changed.
I totally don't have "fight off the sketchy guys" skills. I have to learn them. But I still see myself as just the "friend" girl. But the hardest part is definitely guys you've known for a long time that you have a "different" relationship with after weight loss.
This time I'm not even gonna care. If one of my co-workers or husbands co-workers hits on me...I'm gonna be like..."Oh no, tell me you just didn't rub my arm. Just tell me it was the wind or something. Because I KNOW you just didn't do that with my husband right over there. Because I know if you did, he'd be beating your *** right now and I'd be holding you down....so I'm really glad for you that it was just the wind...and for me because i don't want to f up my new dress."
I can't stand that crap. I look nice and I'm having a drink. Both totally normal things. If someone wants to freak out about that, its not my fault. I refuse to feel like I'm the one under attack!
This time I'm not even gonna care. If one of my co-workers or husbands co-workers hits on me...I'm gonna be like..."Oh no, tell me you just didn't rub my arm. Just tell me it was the wind or something. Because I KNOW you just didn't do that with my husband right over there. Because I know if you did, he'd be beating your *** right now and I'd be holding you down....so I'm really glad for you that it was just the wind...and for me because i don't want to f up my new dress."
LOL, I like it. You reminded me of that song, "Never Gonna Get It."
u look great. i agree men r pigs. my husband's old boss was the worst. everytime he'd see me he'd tell james "ur wife gets hotter everytime i see her" the worse comments though r about my boobs growing. i'm like omg no they aren't my stomach is just shrinking thanks for noticing. ur lookin' hot though so ya might wanna brush up on those man handling skills.
Hi, My name is Kris.
Although I am overweight again. I have been quite slim before. I had lost alot of weight and I was younger , cute [sigh] and I started getting so much attention. I didnt like it at all. From my husband uh... Yauh , loved it!! But from strangers it made me feel very exopsed almost like I had no skin... weird! It must be all those layers of fat I had been packing around. They ' protected' me the only attention I got was sliding judgmental looks or ignored. Is this what slim women put up with on a daily basis? It was kinda exausting.
Take care of yourself. You did all this work for you! Not them. Remember all the gentlemen out there that are not doing this. Remember your own man who would not do this. Dont loose faith in people. The women are threatened thats all. As long as you stand by your behaviour as decent they are the ones with the problem. Good luck and wish me some too!
Unwanted Attention
