[Maddie89]

Ok so I'm a college student, like a lot of you I'm home for a long weekend. It's my nephew's christening this weekend. I've been looking forward to this weekend for about 2 months. It's been going so well so far. Seeing everyone again is great. I had a great day today. Ate every meal out! Lucky me! Then I was delighted when my parents said they were taking me to the cinema and dinner. At dinner they dropped a bombshell and I'm at a loss as to know what to thing/do/say.

So I need to explain the background before I tell you what they said. My mother is my fathers second wife. My 2 oldest sisters are from his first marriage. My fathers parents died within a year of each other when he was 13. He has 2 brothers. They were pretty close. When my father got divoreced his oldest brother, Micheal, decided to pick my dad's ex-wife's side and has not talked to him since. He has not acknowledge my, any of my sister(from this marriage) or my mother. He blatently and melicously ignored my mother a few times about 25 years ago. So needless to say things are strange there, a bit like an elephant in the room. I have been furious at him my entire life, for the things he has done/said/ or not done as the case may be.

So here's the bombshell. This man that I have never met in my entire life, who is my fathers brother, is going to be at the christening tomorrow. I am in shock. I didn't speak for an hour at dinner I just couldn't process the idea. I am angry, at my parents for knowing but not telling me until the night before and at him. Also at my father. I understand that this man is still his brother but my father started talking about maybe introducing us. All I could say was "over my dead body." If he gave a sh*t about me he would have bothered to do something about it before I became an adult. In my opinion this man has no right to meet me. Or to be around my family to be honest.

I hurt for my 2 baby nephews. They are so young and innocent at this point, they have no idea what they were born into. My sister's mother was almost as horrible to us when we were children. When they bought a house(my 2 oldest sisters) their mother paid for part of it, and because of that she felt she had a right to ban us from the house. She said we weren't allowed to go near it, if she could have her way we wouldn't be in their lives. But things are slightly better there, since my sister got married and had babies she told her mother to grow up and said that if she didn't act civilized she would walk out of her life and move to australia.

Anyway I knew that there would be a day in my life that I would have to meet him, but I thought I would have more time to process it to think things through and to be clear minded about it. But now it is tomorrow and I am lost and feel confused. I don't want to meet him, I don't want to see him. I don't even want to be in the same room as him.

So I guess what I'm asking for is your support or adive because I don't know what to think.

I'm sorry for the rant I just needed to get it out.

[Kofarq]

Maybe he smartened up and realized he was being a jerk and wants to make amends? I hope that is what it is.

[Jelbb]

Hey honey.

Wow, it sounds like you have a lot of anger. Understandably, it sounds like a pretty rough situation, with a lot of people handling things very.. very badly. It sounds like your sisters' mother is incredibly immature, and it's unfortunate that your uncle felt the need to "take someone's side," in the matter. He's screwed himself, because he's cut out a brother and a friend, and kept himself from getting to know you and the rest of your wonderful family, including your mother... whom he had no right to punish by snubbing her for your sisters' mam's issues with your dad.

Take it or leave it:

I have a hard time forgiving people, I can hold a grudge like there's no tomorrow. It's a talent, I think.
That being said, there's something about forgiveness... when I hold grudges, they eat away at me, I get emotional, angry, frustrated.. it's such a weight on my shoulders... and when I make things right with someone, it's this... fantastic sense of freedom from all the horrible tension. I love that feeling.

My mom's dad cut and ran. When she was about 15 years old, he left his wife (my grandmother) with 5 kids to raise on her own, and disappeared off the face of the planet. No one saw or heard from him for... jesus, my mom was 15, and she's 45 now... so no one heard from him for 27 years. They didn't even know if he was alive.

Then, 27 years later, they got an e-mail from his new girlfriend wanting to get back him back in touch with them. Of my mom and her 4 siblings, it was 3 versus 2... three (my mother included) welcomed him back with forgiveness, and a willingness to be civil. My mother admitted after spending some time with him that he was the same person she remembered... self-centered and a bit of a jerk. But the point is that she forgave him.

Two of her siblings shunned him. They're full of anger, and hatred, and they wind up creating tension and drama whenever the topic of him comes up. And what's worse, they've turned their own anger and resentment, and pushed it on to their children. My cousins are irrationally angry at this man they've never met because their mother convinced them they should be.

I suppose my point is... even if this guy's a jerk...which it sounds like he is... I know that you have in you the strength to be the bigger person. The strength to stand up against other peoples' opinions of him, and decide that you're going to be civil. You've never met him, you're just going by what your parents say, and HEY... they're probably right about him. But before you make up your mind entirely to LOATHE the man for taking sides when he shouldn't've... be the bigger person, the way your sister was to her mom.

IF this man is civil to you, I would absolutely try to be civil in reverse. Forgiveness is freeing, and holding all that anger and resentment... it just isn't worth it.

(Take it or leave it, of course, that's just all my opinion. )

[Brandyc100]

Originally Posted by Jelbb

I have a hard time forgiving people, I can hold a grudge like there's no tomorrow. It's a talent, I think.

Wow you should go head to head with my father! If my father is holding a grudge against someone there is nothing that can stop him. I swear if the person dies my father would still be holding that grudge.

Hi Maddie what Jelbb said was really wise. There does come a point where you have to decide what is best for the family and for you. Sometimes people mess up and are selfish in their life choices. Hopefully he has realized this and is trying to show you how much he wants to be in your life. I can understand your anger towards the situation but no one expects you to trust and love him immediately. It takes time to build trust and I'm sure he realizes this. If he is civil then be civil back. If it's hard for you to let him into your life think about how much your father probably went through to let him back in. It takes a lot of energy to hate someone so make sure you are making the best choice for yourself. This is just a little advice from a person who as seen someone in her life never ever ever give up a grudge...even when it would have been benificial to his life.

[Elwing]

You can of course refuse to see him now and be angry to him, but maybe you'll regret it later. Blood ties stay blood ties, no matter what happens. It is not that much of a sacrifice to smile politely and say hi every now and then, you don't even have to strike a conversation with the man. And even if you don't want to, it may be important to your parents. My parents and my dad's parents weren't on speaking terms for some years and it was eating him away. In the end, he decided to contact them again, but because the issue could not be solved they decided not to talk about it any more and just go on meeting each other. It may sound odd but it works for them, and my father is a much happier man since.

[Maddie89]

Ok so I just got back.
It was ok. We got to the church late and I look up and he is sitting in front of us. He had the same ankles as my dad....random but true. He looks like a mix between my dad and my uncle. He was a lot older then I expected. It made it easier not to be really angry.
I did read everything you guys said before I went. I took it on board and thought of it during the day. Thank you all. I appreciate everything you say. You help me think things through more.
It was what it was. He talked to my mother, needless to say it made her angry. I suppose he was just trying to make ammends with her.

But anyway. I don't want to think it over. As I said it was what it was.