A letter to my Cowboy
I remember who you were.
You were happy, always smiling, always laughing. You were so upbeat and optimistic. You had hopes and dreams for the future. You were strong, confident. You were going to set the world on fire and make people sit up and take notice of your ideas, your creativity, your intelligence.
I remember how I my knees went weak the first time I saw you standing there by the pool table in your Yukon Jack hat. I could feel you before I even turned around. I can still see it so perfectly. Everything else stopped. There was no one else there. No sounds, no smells. Just you and I. I can go back and see it all, feel it all. A perfect moment in time etched forever on my heart. For a moment, I am content, full, peaceful. Then the tears fall. Then I remember that your gone. And the memory so strong and conforting becomes a steel knife slicing me apart from the gut to the heart.
I remember who we were.
From that moment on, we were together heart and soul. Our connection was so strong and so complete. All the pieces of my life fit. I felt like I had alway loved you and you said the same. You said you felt like you hadn’t really lived before we met. You would sing to me soft and soothing while you held me in your arms at night. You would kiss my forhead and tell me that you were finally home.
I miss you. I miss us. I don’t know you anymore, I can’t feel you even when you are standing in front of me. There is a barrier between us that I can’t be broken. And I realize that I am powerless to do anything. So I just stand still. Looking back, unable to move forward.
You slowly slipped away from me, one shot at a time. Alcohol became your friend, your lover. It overpowered you and turned you into someone I don’t know. Someone with your name, your cloths your job. But everything else is gone. The life in your eyes is now a dull, glazed yellow. The light has died. You have no ambition but to kill the pain with another shot, another beer. One becomes another, then another, then another. With each drink, you destroy a piece of yourself, your life, your future. Each shot makes it harder to live without the next.
The man I loved is gone. I can’t reach you. I can’t find you. I can’t help you. You are the only one who can help youself. You created what you are and only you can undo it. All I can do is stand here. How do I move forward when all I want to do is go back?
The disease that you suffer has destroyed your life and mine. It stole our dreams, our hope, the very essence of our beings. You choose to live your life each day and let this disease control you. I won’t let it control my life. I am powerless to change you and the choices you make. But I am not powerless to change my life and to heal the damage that has been done.
I love you Cowboy. But this is has to be my goodbye. I can’t live in this pain. I won’t let your sickness be mine anymore. Tonight when I pray, it will be my last prayer for you. Tomorrow when I pray, it will be for me.
Last edited by seashell; 11-14-2008 at 07:15 PM.
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