I feel like a liar and I HATE it. (Warning...long story...help a girl out?)
Ok, so this is a long story and I applaud in advance to those of you that are able to make it all the way through it.
I have spoken many times of my bf who I love very much and have been with for 3 years of wonderful, healthy relationship. However, at the end of the day my sex drive is about 10X greater than his. I don't fault the boy, there's nothing he can do about it, but it does lead to a lot of sexual frustration on my part. The second I started thinking about messing around with someone else just to fill that need I sat him down and we talked about alternatives. We finally lit upon sexually oriented chat rooms online as a possible way for me to blow off steam without actually....well...blowing off steam. Lol. So in may I started going into chatrooms, well actually only one I really use, and talking to people. I met a ton of people, some great, some creepy but it was a really great way to deal with my higher sex drive. Now, as we all know, it is very possible to meet someone online that you have a real connection to, and more than one of the people I met through this medium have actually become very close friends.
One guy, in particular falls into this category. When I met him online I thought, just from how he spoke, that he was maybe 30...turns out he was 18, though he's 19 now. That isn't really important, just that he's younger than by 4 years which makes me feel like something of a cradle robber but...w/e. Ok, so I meet this guy and he and I just click. He's a very sweet guy, he's intelligent, charming, and he became one of those people that I could talk to for 12 hours straight and not get sick of. Now my bf knows that I chat and that I was talking to this guy and his attitude has always been one of amusement, thankfully he's secure enough to know that I wouldn't cheat on him.
By the beginning of July this guy and I were really really close and one night as we were talking he informed me that he had fallen in love with me. I wasn't surprised and much to my dismay I returned the feelings. I had not fallen out of love with my bf, but I was in love with this guy too. We kept talking and for awhile I was considering a trip out to visit him in Madison, Wisconsin where he lives. However, I ended up deciding against it because I didn't trust myself to be around this guy without cheating on my bf. The night I told him I was calling off the trip I also told him that I had to stop talking to him for awhile because it was ripping me apart to be in love with two men at once. He was broken hearted and when I told him he sobbed on the phone. We didn't talk from the beginning of September until about two weeks ago.
Ok, so all that said, my bf was invited out for a job interview in guess where? That's right, Madison. He went, got the job, and the job was way too good to pass up so I encouraged him to take it. The whole time I am freaking out about moving to within half and hour of this guy but I still encouraged my bf because this was too good an opportunity and I refused to ruin it. My bf knows that the other guy lives in Madison but he assured me that things would be fine. A week before we left at our going away party my bf felt up one of my girlfriends (she started it and he didn't let it get too far but he still did it). He told me about it within 24 hours and I was of course really hurt, but at that point we were moving and there wasn't much I could do about it.
So two weeks ago we get out here to Madison (great town btw) and I actually have time to think about what has happened. I realize that I'm more upset with the bf than I thought I was and this past week we haven't slept in the same bed once. I think that we can get past it...I know we can...but I need time before I can open up to him again.
I start talking to the other guy again basically because I am very isolated here right now and, to be honest, because I missed him. He had become one of my closest friends and I very keenly felt his absence from my life. We have been more cautious about how we act towards each other...we've been keeping each other at a distance for the last two weeks...until 2 nights ago. We were talking on the phone, just talking, and because it was 4am and we are apparently 7th grade girls, we started playing truth or dare. It was pretty tame, but at one point when he asked for a truth I asked him if he was still in love with me. He said yes and asked me the same question, to which the only honest response was "yes". We talked about it and while he is trying to get out there and meet other people he's made it very clear that I am the first person in his heart. Now in all honesty my bf has and always will come first with me, but this guy occupies and enormous space in my heart as well. The last go round both he and my bf ended up putting pressure on me to "choose" one of them, something that I ended up really berating and resenting them for, and he has promised not to do it this time, and to his credit he hasn't. He's been really respectful, even more than he already was and every day we talk, and every day I'm reminded that I'm in love with two people and can only be with one.
Now what makes me feel like a liar you might be wondering? I have been in Madison for 2 weeks and he has NO IDEA. I haven't told him because...I don't know. I'm afraid of how it will complicate things further. I want to tell him. I desperately want to tell him because right now I feel like I'm lying by omission. He references how far away I am occasionally and it makes me squirm because I'm really only half an hour from him. I hate lying to anyone and lying to someone that I care for so deeply is making me sick. I've lost 10lbs in the last 8 days because I can't keep anything down. The combined stress of dealing with the issues with my bf and the stress of this situation with him is driving me nuts.
These guys know about each other, they know about the nature of my relationship with each of them, I've been honest about my feelings across the board, regardless of how much it hurts me, and I feel like I've handled this as gracefully as humanly possible but I still feel like a d*mn liar.
What do you guys think? And does anyone have any thoughts as to what I should do about all this? And, do you think I should tell him I'm here?
Thanks for listening everyone, I can't tell you how much it helped to put this all down on paper.
Love you all,
Sidheag
Last edited by Sidheag; 11-14-2008 at 01:44 PM.
Reason: Thought of a new question.
Wow.
Well, I read it all. And I have many thoughts.
1. How do you know you're in love with someone you've never met?
2. You need to take a step back and look at this situation unbiasly. Do you honestly see a future with this person you've never met? He's younger than you. At 18/19 did you really know what you wanted in life? I didn't. I also didn't know what love was. I still may not. This is RISKY! Please keep a level head about this.
3. You seriously need to work out this feeling up issue. There are LOTS of red flags I'm getting.
He doesn't have a high sex drive, but it happens to be high at the moment he wants to feel up someone other than you... while you're at the same party!! Yikes. There might be deeper issues going on.
This is just so disrespectful to me. The dynamics of my relationships are different than yours, I understand that. But I would be crushed. I wouldn't accept this behavior or tolerate it. Some people are more accpting though - which is fine. Whatever you feel comfortable with.
4. You really need alone time. You need to gather your thoughts without communication with either guy for a couple days and figure out what YOU want.
5. My final thought is that you and your bf may have gone down a very dangerous path when you started seeking something outside of the relationship, ie; a chat room where you can blow off some steam. I've always viewed getting something that the relationship should be providing from some where else, as a dangerous thing to do. I understand people having open relationships and different things... I'm not saying I believe this to be a universal rule. There are exceptions. But... In your case, I read that you were basically valuing the sex verses the intimacy (because you were satisfied using the chat room which has no intimacy). So, IMO, you probably could have blown off steam without chatting sexually with other men.
Wow....you have put yourself in an interesting situation! But, I can honestly say, that I've been there before. Not exactly, but similiar situations. You need to make a decision, first and foremost. Which one do you want? You can't have them both. That is not only fair to either one of them, but obviously is tearing you apart as well. Once you've made that decision, you can decide if this other guy needs to know at all that you are so close to him. But for now, having him know, will only cause more trouble and heartache.
I found myself in a similiar situation when I was dating my husband. Very long story short, but had to do with my boyfriend being gone for work so often, that I somehow found an innocent aquaintance become something I couldn't live without.
Without going into detail, I ended up having to give up the other guy. It was driving us all crazy. I needed to pick one and stick to my guns. It wasn't an easy road and I still often wonder, "what if..." But, first and for most, I loved the boyfriend, who I am now married to...and still do. He has a hard time keeping up with my sex drive, but we have found ways around that.
BTW!!! I am only about 1.5 hours away from Madison! Maybe we should get together sometime since you are new to Wisconsin!!! I actually live in Tomah which is pretty much in between Madison and LaCrosse.
I'm sorry you're in such a tough situation. Right now you have two boyfriends. You may not call the online one your boyfriend, but you're spending so much time talking and you're telling each other you are in love with other....what is that?
I think you need to choose one man to be with, and back away from the one you don't choose.
First off..
That is a very messy situation, regardless of how it came about.
There's a lot going on, and I think you need some time apart from the both of them to collect your thoughts.
Is it possible that the feelings you have with this new guy is more of an infatuation?
I've been with my boyfriend for almost 4 years and I've met guys I "click" with.. but being in a commitment, I usually try my best to avoid them and not spend too much time with them because those situations do form.
That being said, before I met my boyfriend, I started talking to a guy but we were only friends and we clicked. He was my best friend but I always suspected he had feelings for me. At the time it didn't matter if we spent a lot of time talking or not but my boyfriend asked me out and I started going out with him. It took a while to lessen the time I spent with my best friend because I knew it would be messy to keep talking to him. Actually, he asked me out late one night and used to flirt with me a lot although I never returned it....
To this day, we still talk occasionally and as much as I'd like to resume my friendship with him that I really did value, I cannot, as I know he had feelings for me and it isn't fair to him.
So honestly, I can understand only so much of what you're going through simply because I haven't reached the level of being in love with someone else.
I really think you need to examine your relationship with you boyfriend first b/c as someone else mentioned, the idea of having to blow off steam through a chatroom is dangerous and things like this happen. Are you sure your boyfriend was always OK with you talking to this guy in the beginning? Why did he feel up your friend? That is very disrespectful and it might be out of spite.
If you choose your boyfriend, things won't be the same. You guys will really need to get everything out in the open and then decide whether things have changed too much or whether it can be worked out..
If you choose the new guy, be careful and be sure of what you feel for him..
Regardless of who you choose, you'd have to cut ties with the other completely... IMO it is disrespectful to keep talking with someone you have feelings with because feelings will only deepen. You can fall in love with plenty of people but there's only a handful that are worth staying in love with.
Or maybe you need to get out of this whole situation altogether and be single.. start over. You don't HAVE to choose one or the other, it's possible you aren't ready for a relationship anymore and maybe you need to be single for a while.
I hope things work out for you.
Last edited by Starrynight; 11-14-2008 at 02:00 PM.
Hey, Raw I saw your post and I had to respond just to clear some things up. First of all, you're right. I can't know if I'm in love with someone that I've never met...but at the same time...I know. I feel like a fool saying that but...I know.
Question two: Do I see a future...no, not now anyway. He's too young and if we got into a relationship now I'd feel like I was depriving him of the opportunity to learn by experience. I never thought that we had a future because I am invested in my relationship. He and I both know that and he's smart enough now that he isn't expecting a relationship.
Question 3: I agree that I need to work it out. Don't get me wrong...my bf has a very high sex drive and is more than happy to grab me and throw down when he wants it. I just happen to want more. And I am not accepting of what he did, I came very close to walking out on him when he told me. But as we talked about it nothing was plainer to me than his regret. In the 3 years we've been together he's never done anything like that and I genuinely think this made him feel so sh*tty that he'd never do it again. Girls hit on him all the time and he never responds.
I have been taking a great deal of alone time, I am turning into a hermit lol, which actually suits me right now.
Finally, I can understand the trepidation about looking outside the relationship for gratification. But the fact is he fulfills my emotional needs, and about 90% of my physical ones. Those aren't bad stats on his part and the awareness of how good things are with him is exactly why I didn't seek gratification in a more "real" sense. The intimacy I have with him is invaluable to me and there isn't anything I value more. Doing things online is a way to have sexual gratification without withdrawing any intimacy from him and giving it to another person. He is the first and only person that I have been with and I am his and we have discussed how we will both always have that curiosity about what it would be like to be with someone else. He gave me the opportunity to go and find out and I declined because at the end of the day it's just for him. He turned down a similar opportunity.
JamieJo, you are so cute, lol. We should get together. I think that in terms what I want I made my decision when I told the other guy that I needed not to talk to him for awhile. He and I know that we will never have a relationship. I just don't want to remove him from my life because I do value his friendship. It breaks my heart because the longer I'm in this the more that I think I'm on the verge of losing a valued friend.
I read the whole thing, GO ME! Here are my thoughts...
1.) Why in the name of God does your bf think it's ok that you go into these chat rooms & do whatever with these people? It doesn't bother him? that would make me think my bf didn't really care as much as he should.
2.) How is it he can feel up your bff but can't do it with you? You said he had a low sex drive, some people do, fine. But if that was TRULY the case, why is he going around feeling up your bff? that situation def needs to be dealt with!
3.) If you want to be with your bf, DO NOT TELL THIS GUY YOU ARE IN MADISON! That is only going to lead to his begging, pleading or whatever to get you to come & visit or get together with him. You have said yourself, you don't think you'd be able to resist the temptation, hence your reason for not going on the visit. How bad is it going to be now that you are LIVING there?! Seriously!!! If you want to have any hope with your current bf, you can not tell this guy you are living in his area. If your bf doesn't work out, then share that info with him.
I feel for your situation, I really do. I also have loved two people at the same time. it's hard when each side of your heart is pulling you to a different person. Ultimately, you are going to have to make the decision of what you want, cause the back & forth can't go on forever! It's not far to you, you are unhappy being in love with both of them that's obvious. And it's really not fair to either of them, even though they both know about each other. I'm sure when your bf told you to use these chat rooms, he never anticipated that you would actually CARE for someone on there.
Would the men you're involved with reject the idea of an open relationship? I think monogamy just doesn't work for some people, and I don't think there's anything wrong with that - but if that's what you want, your partners have to be on the same page. If both men have pressured you to choose between them, it doesn't sound like they'd be into it.
You might check out "The Ethical Slut" by Dossie Easton if you want to learn more about unconventional relationships.
Regarding the question of whether or not you have a moral obligation to tell the younger man that you now live in Madison - no, I don't think you do. I wouldn't tell him anything until you've made up your mind about what you want to do. Letting him know you're nearby will just aggravate the situation.
If you have decided you want to make the best of your relationship with your boyfriend, I think you should NOT tell this guy that you are in the area. You feel you have a moral obligation to do this? I think this is a sign that you might care more for him than you want to admit.
You'll have to choose. It is as simple as that. This can not go on indefinitely. In the end, either your boyfriend will want some clarity, or the Madison guy will want to know whether you're going to do something with your feelings or not. You'll have to work out something for that 10 % your boyfriend does not fulfill. Either you suck it up and accept it and hold on to everything else you have together. Or you make up some other way to fulfill them. If this can not be done in a way satisfactory to both of you, I think you will have a problem in the long term.
Of course, I don't know your situation perfectly and what you sketched here, however long it is, is probably only a rough picture. I hope you will be able to work it all out without taking too much stress. Good luck!
Thanks for addressing my concerns and thoughts! And I agree with the other posters: Get away from this second guy... you really do basically have 2 boyfriends and you need to pick one (or have an open relationship). And you've said you dont see a future with #2. Sometimes we have to end friendships that are very meaningful to save a truly valuable relationship. It's painful. But sometimes it just has to be done.
I also wanted to add on a personal note, I've been in the same boat as you as far as desires not matching up. To overcome it without going elsewhere I had to take care of myself. Also, after figuring out that his sluggish desires were from medical reasons, we treated it and things got slightly better. So, if you haven't already, you might want to exhaust all other resources to help him "speed up" (pills, perhaps?). I know it's not helpful advise, but I just had to deal with it. I really wanted to keep the relationship - which was more important to me than sex. Eventually I my desires slowed down. For me, if I didn't feed it, I didn't crave it as much. Oh - It's the same with fast food!
You're not being honest with your bf because he has no clue that you are in love with this kid. And you are being selfish and childish, honestly. Sorry, I'll just leave it at that.
And if your bf is okay with you talking on phone for 12 hours with someone and getting steamy in chat rooms you can be assured he is doing things of his own on the sly.
Well, my response is not going to be nearly as detailed as all of theirs...
All I have to say is, as much as you think you know somebody online or over the phone, you don't really. I think what you need to do is try to work things out with your boyfriend that you know, since you say you love him. I don't think this is as hard of a decision as you make it out to be. You either want to be with your boyfriend, or you don't. Good luck.
Ok I gotta say I think I'm fairly uniquely qualified to offer my thoughts here.
My husband and I have been together 15 years, married for over 10 of those.
He has a very very low sex drive. I ... well ... I have a much (MUCH) higher sex drive. I thought it would be ok. It's not.
About 2 years ago I met someone who made me realize that although I had been dealing with the situation in the .. um .. appropriate way ... I wasn't willing to continue that. He was the trigger for me to realize that I wasn't happy and couldn't be happy living the rest of my life like this.
So right now, my husband and I have been separated almost 2 years and are in the process of divorcing.
We care about each other, we will always love each other, and we will always be the best of friends, but we know that we just can't stay together. There's nothing that can change either of us and we both know it. You can't force sexual desire and it's not fair of him to ask me to go without for long periods of time (at this writing, nearly 6 years).
So I guess ... all the stuff with the other guy aside here's what you have to ask yourself and be VERY honest:
No matter how much you love your boyfriend, are you willing to compromise your sexual desire for the rest of your life to stay with him? And don't just think about right now, think about ... can you do this for the next 10, 20, 30 years?
If you and he truly love each other and want to stay together but are willing and able to accept an alternative lifestyle, would you be willing to consider an open marriage (with the appropriate rules in place) to let you accommodate the discrepancy in your needs?
If the answer to either of those is "no" or even "I don't know" ... then you have a very hard decision to make.
People gloss over the sexual compatibility issue, but next to finances, sex is the next biggest reason people divorce. If you and your partner are not on the same page it *will* come back to bite you in the butt some day.
Sex is one of the things that you're not supposed to or not allowed to (conventionally) get outside of marriage. If your spouse doesn't like chinese food, you can go have that with a friend. If your spouse doesn't like sports, you can watch that with a friend. If you want to see the lastest Bond movie and your spouse doesn't want to, then you call your buddy. Whatever. But sex? Our society says that you can't go do that with a friend if your spouse isn't interested.
So either you learn to do without, or you agree on terms where you can do it with a friend, or you find someone who is compatible.
I think what you need to do is try to work things out with your boyfriend that you know, since you say you love him. I don't think this is as hard of a decision as you make it out to be. You either want to be with your boyfriend, or you don't.
Unless you've been there, you have no freaking idea how incredibly hard and incredibly painful this is.
Telling someone going through this that they're making it harder than it is, is incredibly insensitive.
Quote:
and... all this over sex? GET A DILDO:P
As to this, it's not just about the physical release of an orgasm. It's about the physical and emotional connection you make with your partner when you have sex. And if you think a dildo is going to substitute for having the man you love want and desire you and want to have that so intimate connection with you ... then good for you. Your life will be a lot easier.
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Last edited by PhotoChick; 11-14-2008 at 03:45 PM.
I feel like a liar and I HATE it. (Warning...long story...help a girl out?)
I actually live in Tomah which is pretty much in between Madison and LaCrosse.
