[carol2208]

Hi guys, I just need to put this in writing to try and get the pressure off of my chest, before I try to smother it with cookies and chocolate... and also to once again ask for your words of wisdom

So, about a year and a half ago I met this guy, we start going out, at first Iīm open to him but right at the beginning I realize itīs only a casual thing for him, so I instantly put the armour back on, we casually see each other for about 4months, the physical part is great but after a while I get tired and decide to stop seeing him...

Right here I have to say that with him, I wasnīt a nice person... I generally am, but with this one I donīt know why I acted like a selfish idiot, a jerk. The only thing I can say in my defense is that sometimes he also acted like a jerk, and I hate confrontation. But thatīs no excuse...

So after trying to play the vanishing card, I had to "break up" with him as he kept calling ... I tell him that thereīs too much going on in my life and I just need to be completely alone for a while. Heīs very supportive and never really goes away, we donīt see each other, but he keeps emailing and calling me once in a while

Seven months go by, I fall madly in love with someone else, itīs a bunch of ups and downs, ultimately it doesnīt work out. During the roller coaster ride with the other guy I always behaved and controlled my urges to call him whenever I was needy, until one friday when everything was falling apart and he happened to call me in a week moment, and I agreed to go out with him again

We go back to the casual dating, he is sweeter than the first time but still gives no indication what so ever of wanting something more, and Iīm completely closed up (the other guy did some damage). This goes on for 10 months, out of these I was travelling for about 4 months, when I was in twon we would see each other something like once every two weeks, sometimes once a week... and me using the work excuse to act like a jerk, not answering his calls or his emails sometimes... cancelling dates one hour before the actual date and etc

Until last weekend, we go out last friday, and itīs rare moment where Iīm opened to him and he is opened and sweet to me, itīs great. We part our ways saturday morning. At night I had to go to dinner with a couple friends and one of them decide to walk down a street instead of just hailing a cab where we are, and as weīre walking, who do I see ? Exactly "the guy", crossing the street talking to a woman (no touching of any sort)

And I find myself immensly disturbed, really jelous ... WTF ?! I mean, I know me and this is no wounded ego, no letīs now want what we canīt have... I have actual romantic feelings towards him... but how ? it doesnīt make sense, weīve been going out for over a year and I never felt anything...

So I go to dinner with my friends, and then clubbing... on the way to the club I send him a sucint sms, just asking how he was and saying I had just seen him at x place. He answers right after, praising the coincidence and saying he had agreed to meet a friend for drinks but that he was already on his way home. I donīt answer carry on clubbing, get home at 6AM, tipsy, and thatīs when I answer him with a very upbeat msg, asking about his work and saying that we need to talk

He sends back an sms saying that he canīt that day as he needs to work, but we can talk on the phone... I wake up 6 hours later, read the sms and still overwhelmed by everything donīt answer him, he calls me I canīt find the energy to pick up... he leaves a message saying heīs worried with what I said and asking me to give him a call..

I call him 3 hours later, he insists on knowing what I want to talk about, I cave and tell him that I felt something when I saw him on that saturday evening, he swears the woman is nothing more than a friend, I say that thatīs not the point, as we didnīt have anything serious. He asks what I wanna do then, I say that I donīt know, since I canīt just go back to casual and I canīt ask for anything more given that Iīm leaving in a week, to spend a month away and then will come back for two weeks and leave for good... he asks if I want to stop seeing him, as he doesnīt wanna hurt me... I say that I donīt know ... and I really donīt know...

Weīll suposedly see each other tomorrow or later in the week to talk about it, and this is eating me alive, Iīm completely at loss... I donīt want to hurt him either, but then again he never gave me any indication that he felt anything more ... I wanna ask him how he feels, but Iīm scared to ask it at the sametime, Iīm not sure I have the structure to hear the answer right now...

I would appreciate any insights from you ...

thank you for letting me externalize this here ! and sorry for the very long post !!

[raw23]

Wow that was long! But I read it all!

I'm sorry your feeling this way. I know realtionships can be very confusing and painful.

I went through the same thing. I casually dated a guy for over two years without any real feelings on either side of the relationship. When I was about to move 2,000 miles away I started developing "feelings" for him. It even hurt like real feelings when I packed my belongings and drove away. But it wasn't. After I got settled in my new location I forgot all about him. We're still in contact but I know now that it wasn't anything real.

Now, my thoughts... I think you're reading too much into this. He sounds like one of those casual daters, detached from who he dates. I understand it. Been there. Here's the painful part, I don't think you have to worry about hurting him. To me it sounds like this was just casual and fun for him. My advise is to continue to have fun for the next few weeks that you have and work on suppressing those feelings. It doesn't sound like they are genuine love feelings. It sounds like a case of 'you dont miss it till it's gone.' You loved the attention he gave you and when you saw him with another girl it hurt because he wasn't chasing you at that moment.

Just focus on your move and all the new people you'll meet and you'll be too busy to worry about being jelous or overthinking this relationship. And when you get together to talk, dont ask how he feels about you. Don't go down that road.

Good luck!

[reddahlia]

Can't lose anything by just telling him how you feel. Then you know, he knows and there are no regrets, no "could have beens." I would just be completely up front with him, no games.

[Kae]

I guess I would just be up front and tell him how you feel, ask how he feels.

I would do a thorough check of your feels though first... they could really be genuine but from the way you described things it kinda sounds like you got jealous seeing him with another woman... more so than being upset that he might not be returning your feelings. Just a thought...

[S.A.S.H]

I would first think about exactly what you have to offer him. You are getting ready to leave somewhere. So what exactly can you give from a distance? Is it enough? What would you want from him and then expect from him if you two decided to give it a go? Are those expectations reasonable given what you know of each other from the last few years? Sometimes you don't realize what you've got, until you see a chance that someone else might get it instead (like with the girl).

There is no harm in asking how he feels. You need straight answers and thats the only way to get them. The upshot is, if he doesnt answer the way you want, at least you won't have to see him anymore.

Relationships are tricky, especially long distance ones, but they aren't impossible. As long as you are up front and completely honest about what you can offer each other and what each one of you expects from the other one, it's the best beginning I can think of.

Anywho, sorry for the ramble, I think it all makes sense...it did in my head anyway

[carol2208]

Thanks for going through my very long post !
I can´t begin to tell you how much help you´ve been !

thanks thanks, many times thanks !!

[rodeogirl]

Going along with what others said above, if it were me, I would do my best to clarify what I felt and what I wanted from the relationship and then tell him that. Long distance relationships can work out but they take a LOT of work on both sides. I'd sit with a Starbucks and think a lot about whether I was willing to put that kind of effort into this relationship.

Ultimately only you can figure out what you want.