I am beginning to seriously HATE going to the mall with my sister. Here's some background info on why:
She and I go to the mall almost weekly. I love the atmosphere and I love going to certain places in the mall. Unfortunately, so does she. She drags me into places like American Eagle, Express, Wet Seal, Charlotte Russe. All of which have one thing in common: They cater to thin girls. And, unfortunately, everytime we go in one of those stores, she has to try on ten million things. And there I am, the fat sister that everyone in the store stares at. Which usually leads me to binge because I figure what's the use. All eyes are always going to be on her. Unfortunately, this belief has been imprinted upon me since childhood. And, even though my best friend tells me all the time how pretty, smart, and wonderful I am, it's hard to believe her because my sis has always been the center of attention. And she always has to be the center of attention. I've tried telling her how uncomfortable I get in those stores, but she doesn't care. It's like it doesn't matter to her. I'm going to try talking to her again today, but I'm not sure what I'll do if she won't listen.
I know I sound overdramatic and it seems silly but my sister's actions really are hurtful. She KNOWS that the girls in those stores often glare at me, laugh at me, and in general are just plain mean to me. I have almost no confidence and very low self-esteem and those stores cause both of those things to plummet down to zero.
You and your sister sound similar to my best friend and I. She's almost exactly half my weight, a couple inches shorter than me, and way more outgoing than I am, so naturally she always garners more positive attention when we go out. She's always the center of attention unintentionally, and funnily enough she's an aspiring actress and I'm aspiring to be behind the camera. Just like you, I have extremely low self esteem, and it's humiliating going into Urban Outfitters, Forever 21, and the like with her. The only difference is that she's aware of my feelings and if I ever get too uncomfortable we'll leave. Luckily she's the type that'll build me up when I tear myself down.
Anyway, I agree w/ Iconised, if it's that unpleasurable for you, maybe you should do what I'm doing w/ my best friend and just hold off all trips to the mall and wherever else you feel uncomfortable going w/ her until your confidence is up.
My sister and I are like that. She's this little bitty thing and loves shopping at Forever 21, Charlotte Russe, American Eagle, etc....whereas, I would be shopping at Lane Bryant. I have to give my sister a lot of credit though because she would have a ball in LB trying to find outfits for me to try on. She has convinced me to buy certain pieces of clothing that I would have never picked out in the first place.
But it can be tough having to be in the stores where you know you don't fit into any of the clothing. H&M is the worst!! haha But a lot of the time, I would be checking out the jewelry and shoes while she was trying on clothes to kill the time. It made me less self conscious to have something to occupy my time. Also, are there any stores that you like that are close to the stores that your sister is shopping at? You could hit up a store that you enjoy shopping at (whether it be clothing, books, etc) while your sister is trying on her outfits.
I would not go into those stores !! It would send me into such a downward spiral. I would go to the mall, but she can go her way and I would go mine and then meet someplace for a coffee or something. Why put yourself through that?? Through this transformation we are are trying to make, we are supposed to be putting ourselves FIRST and doing for US !! This is not a step in that direction.
Suzy
Ah, I am so sorry you are feeling this way. If I were you, I would just say to her that you will wait outside the store, as you don't feel like going in. She can not make you go into a certain store! Go into the stores that you feel comfortable in, but not the ones you don't! Stand up to her, you can do it. You do not have to give up the mall, just the stores you don't want to go into!
Were it me, and we're talking every single week, I'd just say: "I'll tell you what, I feel like checking out <store>. I'll be in there when you're done. See ya later, have fun trying stuff on!"
Don't go to the mall with your sister! That's the simplest solution.
What is being billed as "together time" has turned into her getting to feel superior while you feel fat. Nope--I wouldn't do it anymore.
Tell her that if she wants to spend time with you, you'll consider going to a movie, a concert, a bookstore, out for coffee, etc. but no more clothes shopping.
I don't know. Your sister has the right to shop where she wants to - and you have the right NOT to shop where SHE wants to. It really doesn't sound like a good match for you two. The mall, I mean. There is no way on earth you would get me to go week after week to these stores if they made me unhappy. I'm with Jay. Find some other ways to spend time together. But for sure, clothes shopping is NOT a good idea. Why subject yourself to that?
I agree with the others, don't do it. I've been there, done that, and it sucks. Why torture yourself. Being overweight is enough torture, no need to add fuel to the fire.
Let me tell you another thing...While the attention is all on your Sis right now, (and forever according to your post), it will not be for much longer. I can tell by your posts that you are committed to do this...to get into shape that is. You keep going and I guarantee the spot light will be on you, whether you like it or not! (). If your sister is as cool as mine, she'll gladly take the back burner for awhile and let you bask in your glory.
I am in agreement with everyone here. You can not keep going into these stores with her if this is the way it make you feel. You can not keep doing that and expecting for it to get better. If you are committed to helping yourself, one of the first steps you need to take is going to have to be not entering those stores. My youngest sister is very thin and blond and has blue eyes (me and the other sister call her the milk man’s daughter or FEDEX) we both have brown curly hair, brown eyes and A LOT of meat. Anyway, she shops at those stores although she would never do anything to make us feel uncomfortable. If you still want to be at the mall and go shopping, take the suggestion of letting her know where you will be when she is done there and be honest of the reason why. If she truly cares about your feelings then she will understand. It is never going to help you to keep putting yourself in this situation.
I'm with rockinrobin and jay...if it bothers you that much, just don't go in there with her. Find something different for the two of you to do together, and if you both love to shop, then find something OTHER than clothing to shop for.
If you both insist on shopping for clothing, then find a way to make it more fun for you. Like you get to give HER outfits to try on in HER stores, and she gets to give you things to try on in YOUR stores (like you said she already does). Put a limit on the number of stores you visit, each, so it's not an all day nightmare.
I've had the opposite experience recently. I've hit my all-time low of 145 pounds after more than a year of hard work, and my sister has yet to start. She's about the same height (5'9") and weighs around 350 pounds.
Shopping isn't comfortable for her at all, and I realize that because I was in the same boat not too long ago. Recently we went to the mall together and I made a serious effort to not make her uncomfortable. I didn't go in the stores I wanted to go into and we pretty much just shopped for shoes. Which was fine, because I love shoes. But SHE made the day totally miserable for both of us by moping and complaining.
Every single store we went into (For SHOES)...."I wish I could wear those, but I'm too fat," "I can't even zip those boots up over my fat legs" or if we walked BY a store and I looked in the window for a second or said an outfit in the window was cute, it was "Well, I can't go in there, there's nothing for ME in there. <sigh> I'll just sit over here if you want to look. <sigh>"
It's gotten to the point where I don't want to go anywhere NEAR a store with her, and that makes it hard to spend time out together.
As the now-thin sister, all I ask is that you find a way to spend time with your thinner sister without hurting your relationship.
My sister is skinny...I'm overweight. She's also 5 years younger. I can understand not feeling comfortable in certain stores...but (and maybe this is too unsympathetic?) it's just a store. She likes me there for my opinion, and since she's my sister...I don't mind sitting through her trying on pair after pair of size 6 pants, whining about how fat she is...blah blah blah. When I'm a size 6 I'm sure I'll be the one sitting there whining about how fat I am. And if the tables were turned, I'd love if she came with me. Just because you're thin does not mean that all your emotional issues and feelings of being fat magically disappear.
It just bugs me sometimes how just because someone is overweight...everything "skinny" or whatever turns into this big emotional ordeal. If you don't feel comfortable, don't go. It's as easy as that. Why drag yourself down or waste time feeling bad about it? Use it as motivation.
Oh, I grew up with this. My sister was a size 2-4 the entire time I was growing up and I was the "fat one with the brains and pretty face." When we were really little I know it was an issue that I couldn't wear the hand me downs due to my weight. Going shopping was a nightmare! I would always end up placating myself in the food court while she went into all the tiny girl stores. Once she even said she was glad I was fat because that way all the boys paid attention to her!
When I first lost my weight (from 305 to 145,) She had gained weight around the same time-I was giving her my pants that were too big. Since my regain we're roughly the same size range, but I'm far healthier-she has diabetes issues and doesn't exercise at all.
When I lost my weight I became the "skinny one." I realized that she never intentionally was trying to make me feel bad, no more than I was when I lost my weight. Shopping was just way more fun for me when I fit into more clothes.
At any rate, enough of my history. I suggest that you talk with sis and explain how you feel, and it would be nice if you spent equal time in stores you enjoy.
The mall is a large place. When I go shopping with my friend (who is much larger than I) we go our separate ways and meet later on at an agreed place. Then we toddle off and get lunch or go grocery shopping-which we do separately (the grocery shopping not the lunch). The thing with my friend is not size, it's money. She doesn't have any to spare and I have. I can usually buy a blouse or a pair of shoes on an impulse whereas she is literally counting out pennies to see if she has enough for the 6 pack or 8 pack of toilet paper. We don't shop in the same stores in the mall and we don't go together but we have a good time doing what we want and meeting up together later on.
When I was younger and living at home my younger sister was always the thin one and still is. If I had an occasion to shop with her in a "skinny" store I was more likely to make fun of the skinny clothing and the girls that worked in those shops and I usually embarrassed her. Don't let shopping expeditions ruin your day or your relationship with your sister. Go have a great time at the mall but do your own thing and meet up with your sister. If she insists that you go with her she probably wants your opinion on what she's buying. She doesn't see you as a big fat blob. She sees you as her sister. We have all these images of ourselves that most people don't even think of when they see us and sometimes we project our own self loathing on to the actions and talk of other people. Remember, you don't need to be thin to be confident. Have a great day shopping next time you go.
Last edited by retiredone; 09-25-2008 at 10:08 AM.
Skinny Sister/Fat Sister
