I must have, "Kick me, I'm fat" written on the back of my shirt or something.
I stopped at a local store to pick up some hair dye this afternoon, and another woman in the isle looks over at me and starts a conversation -- it was very innocent at first, asked what color I use and so on because she thinks it looks good on me. Then she says, "well, it's good to see that you care about your hair and choose good colors....but you're a bigger girl...you want to look better than you do..." (This accompanied by hand gestures more reminiscent of a globe than an hourglass). She suggested I eat fruit twice a day instead of regular meals and I'd feel SOO much better, I must be having digestive trouble with such a large stomach, and papaya especially is good for that...and pineapple...because she lost 60 lbs like that and don't I want to take care of myself?
I was stunned. I just stared at her, I couldn't even come up with a reply. I think I mumbled thanks before walking away, and I went back later to pick out the dye I wanted for my hair.
Now, I am not under any illusions; I know I'm fat. It's something that I fight with on a daily, usually hourly basis, and I'm not happy about the way that I look. But I can't imagine going up to a stranger and just taking them apart like that. I felt like she punched me with her words. And the worst part is that I don't think she was trying to be mean. But man...that really sucked.
Has anything similar ever happened to you? How do you deal with it? I've been fat all of my life, and I've had friends or family mention it, but never have I had a total stranger comment like that before. I'm just mortified now.
My favorite response when someone says something really inappropriate is to look at them with a sort of quizzical, mildly surprised look on my face and say "Do you realize you just said that out loud?"
And then shake my head and walk away.
I NEVER respond, look shocked or hurt, or react in any way other than mild sort of "wow, you really said that out loud". (At least I try not to - I'm not always successful, but I've gotten better with practice.)
You'd be amazed at how many people get REALLY embarassed once they realize that what they've said is WAY out of line.
I hate it when people do that. When it happens to me I feel like replying, "Seriously, I didn't know that I am fat... Thank you sooo much for pointing that out to me. Idiot. "
I am constantly astonished by how rude some people can be.
Dang. I would love to have heard that woman's internal dialogue before she decided to tell you that you're fat and need to change like a bazillion things about yourself and how you should do it, etc. "Should I just quietly select my shampoo and leave this woman alone? Hmm... NAH, I think I'll call her fat and give her all kinds of unsolicited advice." How ridiculous.
Not to mention that her advice -- eating fruit instead of meals -- is kind of on the looney side anyway, imo.
I'm trying to remember if anything similar had ever happened to me... when I was around 240lbs (after I lost 25), I went to a family party, seeing many of my relatives for the first time since losing the 25 lbs. I was still heavy, but I looked noticeably thinner and I'd gone down a clothing size. Anyway, at the party my aunt, who had herself lost around 50 lbs, starts talking to me about how I was doing it, etc. The truth is, nowadays I have no trouble talking about how I lost weight even though I'm not at goal weight, but back then I was still VEEEEEEERY self-conscious and shy, especially about body issues. I didn't even want anyone to comment or compliment me on my loss, let alone ask me the how's and why's. But I tell her what I'd been doing -- diet and exercise at Curves -- and she proceeds to totally tear apart my whole plan and everything I'd been doing, in front of everyone, telling me I'll likely gain it back and if I want to keep losing, I have to do XYZ instead.
It was mortifying and awful and I left the party early.
In retrospect, I see that her advice was sound and based on experience and her own success, but it was the whole public and unrequested delivery of this advice that turned me off.
advice giving just kills me! and it comes from 2 different ways - the people that want to tell you that you are fat and tell you how to lose it OR someone finds out you are losing weight, asks you how you are doing it, then tries to educate you on health and weight loss. generally those people seem to be the ones who have only ever been 15lbs overweight - if that and have no idea what they are talking about.
ggrrrr!
I think many of these folk are clueless. They have had success on their "plan" and want to share their new-found "knowledge" with the rest of the world. I don't think they mean to be offensive, but - invariably - they are.
As much as I would LOVE to help others, I limit my weightloss advice to two methods:
1. post prolifically on 3FC
2. give advice ONLY when asked for it. And then, pay attention to the reaction it gets and either shut up or continue accordingly.
When I was young, I was very sensitive about being overweight --- horrible self esteem... the whole nine yards. I think that because people always commented on it ("such a pretty face! if only....") and the doctor attributing every ailment I had to ... "well, if you'd lose some weight...." (== yes, doctor, I have poison ivy... how is that related to my weight? ==) ... to my aunts saying "Here I will hand down my large sized clothing to you because you'll need it for jobs..." (== thank you, Aunt Hettie... I'm 24 and you're 70.. ==)
So, after hearing it for so long, it was surprising to me when the cultural climate changed and it wasn't okay for people to comment on weight anymore. Now, I'm the one saying "well, I'm a big girl so I can't wear this.." or something along those lines and people look at me shocked.
Chrysalis -- was the woman much older?... seems like it's mainly the older people who have retained that habit after society went ahead and evolved.
KLK -- your aunt sounds like my sons... "Ma! You need to have more protein. You shouldn't be doing it like you're doing it.... here's what you need to do." When I confront them on it, they just say they're trying to help.
Chrysalis -- I'm sorry she tried to make your life her business. She was wrong. Photochick hit the nail on the head -- make them feel embarrassed for what they said. Don't give them the power to make you feel embarrassed.
If anyone makes a comment to me I try to take it in the manner it is given. There are people that really don't want others to suffer as much as they have. You say this lady has lost 60 pounds. That is a lot to lose and I have a feeling she didn't feel very good about how large she was at that size. Sounds more to me like she was just giving helpfully advice just not in a very good way. People really need to stop being so sensitive and taking everything people say in a negative way. If someone says something, take it as helpful and in the best possible manner unless you know for sure they are saying it to be hurtful.
Last edited by Shy Moment; 09-14-2008 at 06:25 PM.
Ha, part of me wanted to, but I was just so unbelievably mortified that I just upped and left. I wouldn't have been so upset had it not been for the fact that I had met someone I really liked and was wanting to get to know him. Now he'll just remember me as the girl who got called fat by some random bloke in a bar.
I worked out 2 hours today. Not for him, but for me. I'm so so sick of being treated like that.
Usually guys that say things like that have dirty fingernails and a beer belly or will if they haven't now.
The lady that was giving unsolicited advice probably feels like an expert since she lost 60 pounds. She was wrong , though.Too bad you didn't think to say "When are you going to lose the next 60 ?"
Ha, part of me wanted to, but I was just so unbelievably mortified that I just upped and left. I wouldn't have been so upset had it not been for the fact that I had met someone I really liked and was wanting to get to know him. Now he'll just remember me as the girl who got called fat by some random bloke in a bar.
If I might offer some advice here?
Quote:
I'm so so sick of being treated like that.
Then stop allowing people to treat you like that.
Stop allowing yourself to be "mortified" by the rudeness of others. YOU are not the one who should be mortified here. The idiot who spoke to you is the one who should be mortified.
The guy you met and liked? Now he's more like to remember you not as the girl who got called fat, but as the girl who let some a$$hole drive you off. The girl who can't handle a drunk idiot gracefully. The fact that you left is going to affect his thoughts about you more than the fact that some moron called you fat.
How do you think this guy you'd met would remember you if instead you turned to the guy who said that to you and said "At least I'm not drunk and rude" and then turned your back on him, and focused completely on the person you'd been talking to before.
And I"m not trying to give you a hard time here, but to offer some advice from my experience. If this guy was interested in you and you were talking, then he knew what size you were. He was right there, after all. He wasn't going to suddenly think "oh wow - that guy is right - she's fat and ugly". He was right there and obviously saw/heard something in you that he liked.
We .. ALL of us ... need to stop being embarrassed or "mortified" by other people's rudeness. I read so many women here saying "someone called me a name or embarrassed me in public and I am so humiliated/mortified/went home and cried." WHY allow complete strangers to treat you like that? Why allow someone who is being hugely rude to make YOU feel embarrassed?
Stand up for yourself. Not in a rude way. Not playing tit-for-tat ugly little games. RESPECT YOURSELF. Stand up to these people, look them in the eye and ask calmly, "Why do you think you have the right to say that to me?" or "I'm sorry, I don't remember asking for your advice on my personal business." Or anything to point out to them that their comments are out of line and rude.
Don't allow yourself to be a doormat!!!
(*phew* Didn't realize it was a topic I was that passionate about!)
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Last edited by PhotoChick; 09-14-2008 at 06:50 PM.
Strangers offering "advice"
Idiot. "
