So, for those of you who know me, you'd know I created a new plan every day, thought I had everything figured out (like all teens), and think that I knew why I was doing the whole dieting thing.
Well, when I wasn't overeating I was making diet plans, exercise plans, and trying to control my life with an Excel program or the like.
I am the happiest I have been in YEARS. EVEN at this weight. No, I'm not satisfied with my body, but I've ACCEPTED things.
I realized I've been addicted to relationships, attention seeking, measurements, numbers, everything. I hated myself because of "what others think", but I know that I've not been ashamed cause of other people's disgust. I never had disgust from other people in a long time. Everyone accepts me as I am, I simply didn't...so I pretended like it was other people who wanted to change me.
I am steadily losing weight and I stay on plan everyday. I used to create 20 dieting rules. "DO NOT BREAK THEM UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES"! Hah!! I pressured myself to be perfect, when I messed up every day. My realtionships constantly had me bending the truth about myself. "Oh, those pictures? They're a little old (actually 2-3 years). I'm not that far from them (only 100 pounds)." Hahah.
A little while ago, I just snapped. After an hour walk, which felt WONDERFUL, I got ready to take a shower. I looked at myself with fresh eyes and I started to cry. Who is the monster in the mirror? I cried miserably and stood there..."No I'm not good enough for relationships, or love". I wrote a rant after the shower...
"the truth is that i am ugly and im incredibly fat...im a monster...im not normal...i have to have a good personality because i have nothing else." Among other things...
I was depressed miserably after that...but things are lovely, simple WONDERFUL now. I haven't been happy truly since I was a preteen, when I was too ignorant of the world to be aware to be unhappy. I truly, truly know that it's clicked now.
I am finally thinking healthily...WHAT A RELIEF. I don't look at the scale and worry everyday...What others think of me doesn't matter, because the people who love me sincerely will be there. No one else deserves my time. I am not as bad as I make it out to be, but there is certainly room for improvement for me. My life worth isn't determined if I'm with a guy. In fact, relationships to me are pretty much just devastating to me. When I'm in a relationship that's when the self-doubt appears, that's when I'm NOT ME. I am the true me when I can be happy by myself. I see the world with new eyes...and it didn't take me 100 pounds to see it either. No, I've lost 15 pounds, almost 20, but I'm not scared of gaining it back or going back to my old habits. I know I'm not going to...because I've decided and accepted my way of eating now.
I have 1-2 simple rules which work for ME. I stopped dictating my life on a spreadsheet, pretending like a schedule is a godsend.
In actuality...I eat when I'm hungry, I eat what I like, I'm losing weight. I don't think of food when I wake up, I can have food sit next to me and I'll forget about it...and then pick it up again to eat. I have simple rules that don't pressure me. I have no deadline. Numbers are numbers, everyone around me can tell the difference. Hey Mr. Scale, I know you're a chronic liar. My clothes don't fluctuate, and I can tell from there. I accept this is gonna be a long process. I don't want a relationship because why even worry about it at 18? Dear Lord, I have the rest of my life to get tied down :P
For the first time, I know that this has clicked. This has been the EASIEST "diet" ever. I eat twice a day, I eat a healthy amount of calories. I write it down and forget about it. I don't obsess over numbers, I approx. I don't feel slighted out of food when I round up. I don't secretly giggle if I eat way less on one day, and think, "Oh, I'm a good anorexic, oh, I can play this game". No , no, no. The numbers, the scale, etc. don't rule me anymore.
And I'm FREE to be ME. To be the interesting girl that I left in the dust when I moved to FL...the people everyone falls in love with for me being interesting and kind...I don't want envy for being messed up...I don't even care! This weight loss is for me...
How did I do it? I stopped worrying...I just stopped. I ACCEPTED I wasn't perfect and wasn't going to be perfect...and THAT'S OKAY WITH ME. I've apologized to the little girl that didn't expect that she'd be miserable every day of her life because she liked the taste of food. Most overeating has to do with psychological factors...the body is so adaptable. Learn to tame your mind and worries...well, the appetite tames. My parents bring home food to eat, it doesn't even bother me...I have NEVER felt this much freedom from food. I don't restrict, I don't eat too much. I have adapted normal eating habits, and all this weight? It's gonna drop off, stall, plateau, and drop off more.
If I had just let it be, I'd be at my goal weight now. If I had stopped beating myself up, stopped trying to be airbrushed, and just forgave myself...to be happy with average and healthy...I'd be there by now. And thank god...I finally understand this! I was in denial...I'm so very glad, SO very glad I've woken up from what I put myself into.
Who cares what people say? What is considered pretty? I know I'm a good person on the inside, interesting... And in time, I will be healthy and prettier to myself. That's all that matters. My opinion matters the most to me. I stopped listening to what everyone else told me to do and followed what was right for me. My sleep is always off, I don't eat small meals, I don't eat like a rabbit. I LOVE the way and amount I eat, I can stop a lot sooner if I want, but I don't. That's part of me. I figured out my preference and how my body works. No more planning...no more anything.
I'm listening to MYSELF being WISE...I don't need a plan for the future which worries me...What I will do in specific food situations? TODAY is the day you work on, not tomorrow. TODAY. Who cares about Christmas ina few months. MONTHS away!!! I know when that day comes I'll eat the food I want and the amount that feels okay with my body and move on. Who cares?
I just wanted you all to know...that you don't need to be far into the weightloss to change completely...YEARS of dieting and gaining and losing...losing 100 pounds and gaining it back... I've forgiven myself, this is the habits that will stick for a lifetime. Diet? Who cares anymore?
My world isn't food anymore. I am so, so, so thankful.
I HOPE TO SEE ALL YOU WHILE I LOSE STEADILY! We can do it, when we finally forgive our mistakes and get over it and accept. Stop beating yourself up, stick to your, hopefully simple rules, and diet in the way that is right for you. I'm only a youngin', but I feel like a wise sage right now.
:P Everyone, have a LOVELY day, and ENJOY it. Stop waiting to live when you are socially considered "beautiful"!! Does society even stop to think? Does society even think? You belong to yourself, stop letting everyone else have you!!
Have a lovely day.
It's clicked. I'm NORMAL! I'm HAPPY!
