I was having a political debate with my friend the other day and she started criticizing John Edwards for cheating. She is a McCain supporter and a conservative republican, but... then I called her out on her cheating and she was trying to justify why when she cheated on her fiance, it was different from when Edwards cheated on his wife. I just don't see it. Anyone explain?
Ok, here is the story:
This girl met GUY#1 when they were both 18. At 20, she met GUY#2 online and they formulated a very casual acquaintance that eventually grew to the point where at 22, she met him in person complete with a sexual encounter (she gave him some pleasure.) She was still with GUY#1. Then at 22, she decided to go away to school to be closer to GUY#2. GUY#1 and her still saw eachother every week, but now GUY#2 also saw her 1-2x per week (drove 100 mi each way) and would spend every other weekend with her. SHe got ENGAGED to GUY#1 about a YEAR into her sexual relationship with GUY#2 and then 3 months later, drove 6 hrs to see GUY#1, return his ring and let him know it was over. Currently, she is MARRIED to guy #2 and is faithful. GUY#2 knew about GUY#1, but GUY#1 didn't know about the sexual relationship with GUY#2 until the newspaper clipping saying they were married.
How can I make my friend see that she is EXACTLY like Edwards because she was committed and promised to a man and was cheating on him at the same time. She isn't buying it and it is the SAME DARN THING!!!!! Suggestions?
Someone who would cheat while they were engaged....well I think they would cheat while married. I certainly wouldn't trust them. Not very noble behavior. As my mom would say "The pot calling the kettle black".
While I do not approve of your friend's behavior, I do think there is a difference between cheating while you are engaged, and cheating while you are married. Neither is right, but there is another level of commitment that comes with a marriage ceremony.
I don't think you are going to...
I know politics are a no-no on the forums...but I will make the observation that if she is a McCain supporter criticizing Edwards for doing what McCain also did (he left his first wife after having an affair with the woman who is now his current wife.)....then you have a pretty good indication that what Kaplods says is absolutely accurate for your friend. To her, it's justified and "different" in certain situations.
Ok...so I won't likely change her mind, but most of you think that I am right on this, true? That there is a difference, but there isn't a huge difference between someone who is engaged to be married cheating and someone who is married cheating. THey were still promised! Interesting responses. Thank you.
Sounds like your friend is in denial. What she did is nearly the same thing as what Edwards did. I agree that it is hypocritical. We all make mistakes though. Maybe you should just let it go.
I think to a degree you do have to "let it go." If we're honest with ourselves, most of us have at least one hypocritical belief. "I'm different, I had good reasons for doing what I did..."
Truly whenever people break their own code of honor, they tend to wrap it in reasons (that anyone else would recognize as excuses). I've found that many people, for example, who "hate judgemental people," are often extremely judgemental themselves (but their judgements are "correct," of course).
I'm not excluding myself from this either. I don't know that I could come up with what my hypocritical beliefs are, exactly - probably because if I recognized them as hypocritical, I wouldn't believe them any more.
But see on the other side of the spectrum you could say, that the extreme duress of the situation put him at greater risk of falling to temptation, because of the stress.
A woman my mother knew, was extremely devoted to her husband, who was terminally ill. She took care of him, doing everything for him, until he had to be put into a nursing home. She was having coffee with a male friend of both she and the husband (this guy recently widowed). Crying on his shoulder led to an affair. She was so guilt-ridden, she wanted to tell her husband, but her friends persuaded her that she didn't need to burden him with that kind of pain because of what he was going through. Not right, but you can see how things happen.
That's the problem with moral issues, there is a black and white, objective standard, but people's emotions get in the way and measuring "how bad" a moral violation is, gets pretty fuzzy.
There's no way to know whether Edwards was just a selfish SOB who didn't care what his wife and family were dealing with - or whether it was weakness driven during a terrible time in his life (as well as his wife's). We don't know the whole context of the decision, so you can't objectively compare the two. They're both wrong, but "how wrong," ends up that someone on the outside rarely can objectively judge.
I would agree, but I would say the same about Stardog's friend. What I'm saying is that deciding who is the BIGGER SOB (or B), is probably an exercise in futility as no one knows all of the variables. As I feel that a person who breaks a smaller moral code but feels no remorse can be a bigger SOB than someone who makes a bigger mistake but is remorseful AND learns from it. There are also people who feel remorse, but don't learn from it. All of that plays into who is "worse."
Often even considering "who is worse," is a way of justifying immoral behavior. Most often, there is no justification, even when there are factors that made it possible, or easier for the person to break the rule.
For example, I know women and men, who justify cheating on their spouse because their spouse is a grade-A (expletive of your choice). As if that makes it ok. Before they get a divorce, they've found mate #2. I don't care how big a jerk current husband or wife is, I'm not dating anyone who is still married. In fact, I can't see doing it when a person is still dating. When I met my husband, he was only broken up from ex-fiance three months (He was visiting his greatgrandmother in the hospital in WI after she broke a hip. When he called the fiance to tell her he was on his way home, she told him that he didn't live there anymore and she had moved in another guy).
My personal ethics told me that my now husband, might be someone I didn't want to seriously date, because he wasn't broken up "long enough." In my mind, you don't swing from one relationship to another - when you see it isn't working you break it off, take a break, and then decide whether and when to date again.
Even though the break up wasn't hubby's fault (at least not the way it was broken up), I wasn't too keen on the possibility of being in a rebound relationship.
Friend is trying to justify her cheating
