I have a question about a wedding invitation we received. My husband's cousin is getting married in October, and my husband just received the invitation. It was addressed to him only. My husband is "sure" I'm invited too, but I'm feeling pretty upset about this. I mean, if I'm invited (and I like to think I am) wouldn't they have at least put "and guest"? And it wouldn't be too hard to find my name if they couldn't remember it, we're on a joint family genealogy board. Just the fact that they're into genealogy makes it seem like more than my husband would be invited. Is this the weirdest thing you've ever heard? Am I being oversensitive? Should I assume I'm invited until my husband can get around to asking?
I mostly think they're unfamiliar with the etiquette and how it can seem if they only write one name on the invite, but maybe they really only want him there to save money or something.
I could be wrong, but I'm almost positive that you're invited too -- I've never heard of a person being invited to a wedding without their spouse (unless you're involved in some kind of feud). It's possible they just don't know how to properly address the envelope, so they just put his name on it. Or maybe they meant to write "Mr. and Mrs. XXXXX" but didn't for whatever reason.
I wouldn't get offended or make an issue of it though; it seems more like a mistake than anything malicious.
Oh, and re: only inviting your husband to save money: I'm getting married in October as well and my basic policy was that unless a person is married to their guest or engaged or with them for a long time, they can't come to the wedding; it's way too expensive for me to pay for someone's casual boyfriend or girlfriend to attend. But all married couples were invited as couples; I can't imagine they wouldn't invite you with your husband, no matter how expensive it is.
He should make sure. I invited people that were married to my wedding but put only THEIR name on the invite because they were the only one invited. For instance my Aunt and my Cousin. I invited only them....not their kids or spouses.
Also...It was nothing personal against their spouses. But, we had a maximum amount and it was getting really close. I hardly know their spouses or their kids.
Interesting, I would find it hard not to take it personally if I really am not invited. We are not feuding at all, and in fact we drove 14 hours this weekend to see the cousin (if I had received the invitation before we left I would have asked right there). So even if I haven't met the cousin's fiancee yet, I've met the cousin several times and I've gone out of my way to see him.
When I addressed my invitations, I was sure to address them to Mr & Mrs and when necessary I added & Family so there was no confusion. (Recently I was invited to a wedding that specifically stated "no children" and "only two guests invited"--it was a black tie affair.)
Is there a reply card? Can you write in 2 if there is one? Do you know the size of the church where the ceremony is taking place? If it is large there shouldn't be a problem with you going along.
Another thing to consider is the type of reception. Certainly a sit-down dinner has to have a head count, but an open garden party with finger foods shouldn't present a problem.
All in all, I guess I'd call to make sure you're invited or not. I'm sure you are as you are friendly and all. You say the cousin is male? Perhaps the financee doesn't know your hubby is married...and she's just going off a list the cousin gave her.
Normally, I would say that it is such a major breach of etiquette to invite people without their spouses (you don't have to allow people to bring a casual date, but the line is considered spouses, live-in partners, or fiances...you really aren't supposed to invite people who HAVE those as singles) that it isn't likely that just your husband was invited without you.
Now, though, I've seen so many parts of traditional wedding etiquette go by the wayside that I think your husband should call to verify that you are, in fact, on the guest list.
I think the only way to know is to ask, because people so often do routinely breach rules of etiquette. Until this thread, I had never even heard of anyone not inviting a couple as a unit when they were married, engaged or living together (except as a spiteful, intentionally rude thing to do in a family feud situation).
I would treat it as a joke and have hubby call to rsvp, lauging and asking "I assume the wife is invited, too - haha" kind of thing. If they say "uh, no" then you can decide whether to be offended or not, and whether he would attend without you. Personally, I would be quite offended (and under most circimstances, I'm one of the most difficult people to offend, because I generally find people's odditites amusing, rather than offensive). However, I don't care how little the family knows me, inviting my husband without me is like saying "we want a gift, and we know as a couple you'll probably only give us one gift, so we only want to feed one of you." Or "I don't know your wife, and I don't want to."
And on the other hand, I also know that the pressures of preparing for a wedding and managing the guest list can drive a person to sheer madness and sometimes etiquette-be-damned choices a person may later regret. I know a couple who were invited to a wedding, and then later asked not to attend because they received more "yes, we're coming" rsvp's than they were expecting. The ironic part was the (uninvited) couple was divided on whether they "owed" the couple a gift. The guy wanted to return the gift, and the wife wanted to send them one anyway, so as not to be seen as rude. I suggested (facetiously) that they send the gift - and then ask for it back.
The guy wanted to return the gift, and the wife wanted to send them one anyway, so as not to be seen as rude. I suggested (facetiously) that they send the gift - and then ask for it back.
Haha, awesome!
DH has gone ahead and sent a message. He claimed he was trying to figure out logistics with the kids and just wanted to see who was included in the invitation, or something. So, we'll see!
I agree with most of you that the spouse should be included. For my wedding, I just put "and guest" for all of my single invitees because I wanted everyone to have a good time, not be stuck at a singles table where they don't know anyone. And of course if they were dating someone long term, I put the person's actual name instead of guest.
OH! I just heard back and we're all invited. But I'm glad to know I'm not completely strange to wonder. I'm really not an "etiquette police" type, but I've always been sensitive about being invited to things.
Error in chaos, I say. When I was addressing mine a few weeks ago, I forgot the "and Guest" part on a few where I meant to include it and just called them to clarify and apologize for my lapse. No harm, no foul.
I'm glad your invited! I was always taught that spouces are an automatic invite as are long term significan others, fiances etc. It is weird that they didn't actually put your name on the invite though.
As far as rude guest behaviours go, I'm helping my good friend plan her wedding. She has sent out invites for a total of 100 ppl, (the venue holds 110) she has recieved 112 RSVPs. One couple RSVP for themselves (they were invited) and the woman's parents, who were not invited and whom neither the bride or groom has ever met. They actually crossed out the "_ of 2 attending" on the RSVP card and wrote 4 people below it.
My parents were wedding years ago where a invited couple brought along 5 guests (the invited couples out of town guests), the hall had to set up another table for the uninvited guests and the groom had to whip out his visa and pay for them on the spot. If it was me I would have handed the bill to the couple and made them pay.
In some cultures, it's very common for people to rsvp for more than invited, and even to show up and bring extra guests (say a couple was visiting your home, and you "decided" to invite them to the wedding you were attending on Saturday). For example, I saw a couple on one of the wedding shows, and they mentioned this. The bride's family was carribean, and so they had to guess at how many people would be attending the wedding. The wedding planner was trying to convince her to go with a buffet, given the situation, but she wanted a sit-down dinner. I had a friend in college who told me her family did this - so she was having a terrible time trying to estimate the headcount for the caterer (though she had the good sense to go with a buffet with a caterer that would allow them to keep the leftovers). The friend was black, but I don't know if her heritage was carribean or not.
For my husband's and my wedding, we also decided on a buffet with leftover option (we just had to have a refrigerator and containers waiting). We saved alot of money by choosing a small town caterer willing to travel to our larger town reception. They were AMAZING (we found them when we were invited to my sisters small town wedding), and we seriously impressed our friends and coworkers, because they THOUGHT we spent alot more money on our wedding than we did. The buffet would have cost us at least twice as much if we'd chosen a local caterer, and as a result of the money we were able to splurge on extra touches like a large appetizer spread and a beautiful bread table.
Our whole wedding cost us less than many brides spend on their dress, and no one would have guessed.
Huh that is weird your name was left off of the invitation. I guess maybe it was just unintended. When I did my invitations I addressed it like "The Simmons Family" meaning parents and kids since my mother insisted on inviting everyone she knew including their kids.. Half of them left their kids at home and then some just didn't come since they didn't want to have their kids running wild and then some brought their kids. And I also made sure my friends knew that they could bring a date but they were all in the bridal party anyways.
We also assumed many guests wouldn't be attending since I'm American and the wedding was in England. I didn't invite them to get presents; I just didn't want to be rude and not invite them at all.
Oh yeah, I invited people to our wedding I knew wouldn't be able to attend. I just couldn't imagine how they'd feel knowing I didn't even bother to invite them. I don't think anyone thought I was just out for gifts (or at least I hope not!).
In case anyone missed the update, the whole family is invited and the couple even has activities planned for the kids throughout the reception. So I guess it was just an error in labeling! I do hope they'll remember to include my name, or at least "the family" in future mailings...that's just another of my neuroses, I suppose. I end up having to remind my husband of all the birthdays on his side of the family (mostly his immediate family), so I get upset when they fail to acknowledge me on this type of thing.
Wedding Invite Etiquette Question
