So, I need help. I don't really know who else to ask this to, because to be honest---I don't trust my friends (except my best friend, but she's just as confused about it as I am)...as you'll see from my post.
I've always been a little weird with dating, It's not that I couldn't find guys to date or anything like that...it's just that I start out liking them, then start to feel anxious and bored... and I end up doing something to ruin the relationship. I also still have problems initiating a relationship. I think it's that the seriousness scares me. Once it stops being fun and carefree and all the sudden they want to talk about feelings...I'm out. I'm 23. I should be over this. My parents have a very fabulous relationship---they've been married 23 years and I've never seen them fight or anything. So I don't know where I picked up this "complex"
Now on to my dilemma...and it's sort of a doozy. It might even be a little too weird. When I was in college I met this guy (Jesse) my sophomore year. We were biology lab partners. We dated about a year---he was really the first guy that I was head over heals for. Through him I met a bunch of people, one of which became my best guy friend. After I found out Jesse was cheating on me and all that stuff I was pretty upset and Jeff (who was Jesse's roommate and highschool friend) assured me I deserved better and all that stuff people tell you when you you're feeling sorry for yourself. Jesse moved away from college after that year, but Jeff stayed in contact and we hung out quite a bit (never anything more than pure platonic friendship although we talked about everything. I told him more than I told some of my girlfriends...he'd give me advice on the guys I was dating and I'd give him advice too.) Jeff then set me up with one of his friends (kal). We all went out in a huge group and we drank too much. The one time I blacked out and woke up in his friend's bed---dressed. I don't think anything happened but Jeff is insistent that things happened between Kal and I.
fast forward ...Jeff moved away, I moved away. We now live about an hour and a half from each other. After we left college he still kept in contact with me, calling me about 3x a week--sometimes more, even when he was in a serious relationship with this girl. They broke up like 4 months ago now or something. We didn't actually see each other for like a year, but within the past month we've seen each other three times. The first time was completely normal...the second time, not so much. It's so much fun, we get along great and he makes me laugh so hard. We're really similar people, like the same things, have a lot of the same likes and dislikes and have similar family backgrounds. Recently I've thought about it a little more...and I think I really do like this guy. I even told my friends that he's the one guy I think I could see myself with for a long time. Here's the problem (and I'm sure you guessed it...) I don't solidly know how he feels about me and I'm too chicken/childish/scared to just flat out ask him. He also keeps bringing up the fact that I dated Jesse---which makes no sense because I don't know why that should be an issue. He brings up Kal too---but he slept with my roommate, so I don't know why it's a big deal if I swear I don't remember or think anything happened, and he set me up with him in the first place and left me in kal's room. He's been bringing this up a LOT lately.
Last weekend was my 5 year class reunion. Jeff knew I was a little nervous about going. I jokingly invited him to go with as my "date" months ago. To my surprise he actually drove down here and went. He met my highschool friends and my family and then we went to this street dance. My friends knew how much I liked him...I've told them and asked them for advice and everything. Anyway, My one friend was hitting on him the whole night. She even went so far as to grab his crotch in front of me and grab him at all the slow songs. She gushed about how cute he was to my other friends and how if I didn't date him she was going to make a move (she's 23 as well, 2 kids, not quite divorced) I was pretty upset, but of course I didn't say anything. He's not my boyfriend so I didn't think I really had a place. I knew he wasn't interested in her so I just kinda blew it off. ...Now it gets weird!... He was completely sober because he doesn't drink. I was a little buzzed, but definitely not drunk. all throughout the day he was like "accidently" running into my boobs or whatever...like the dumb guys do in highschool (he's 25, so it's pretty lame) On our way home (it was just him and I) we were talking and all the sudden i noticed him kinda rubbing himself. I was like...Whoa! I called him a pervert and totally blew him off, acted like I didn't see what he was doing. So he stopped. We got home and changed into pjs. Then we played backgammon. while we were playing he started rubbing himself again. It was so weird and I didn't know how to react and he totally caught me off guard. I just kept calling him a pervert again and kinda ignoring him. Then when I went to bed, I was sleeping on the couch, he was on a mattress on the floor next to the couch. I could hear him like going at it...so i smacked him on the chest and told him he was disgusting. This led to some weird stuff happening and we definitely crossed the friend line. We didn't cross it all the way, but enough, I'd say. When we finally decided to sleep we just laid in our beds and giggled and i asked him what he was giggling about. he said nothing, but that he has a lot to think about now. He woudln't tell me what he had to think about though. He went home the next day after we hung out for awhile---but didn't talk about what happened. He had called me like 5 times that following week up to Monday when my friend (different friend than the one that grabbed his crotch) and I went to Minneapolis and we met up with him. He's very, very flirty by nature and I know that...so it doesn't bug me too bad, except for when my friends are like throwing themselves at him. He's also super cute and very personable. I've never really met anyone that didn't like him.
soooo... yesterday him and my friend flirted a lot ...I was sorta sad but ignored it. I sorta got the feeling like he was trying to make me jealous, but I don't know. then when we all went out to the bar and met up with other friends Jeff invited this girl out. He was supposed to hang out with her earlier in the day and he decided to come with my friend and I instead. This girl went to highschool with him and he's described her as his forever purely platonic friend... but what does that even mean anymore? I don't know... she was really nice, and I don't think they had that sorta chemistry, but who knows. I'm so confused...and I like him.... and seriously who does that kind of thing in front of one of their best girl friends?! What's it mean? He was definitely being a pig as I'm sure a few of you will tell me... but I've known him for 3 years and never has he acted like that. It's totally weird and I don't know what to do now.
Wow! First, let me ask you, why do you like him? Is it because you feel comfortable with him or because everyone else likes him?
To be honest he does kinda sound like a jerk. I know I don't know him. Maybe it's because I'm a southern girl, but I always have believed that the man is to honor and respect a female. Him grabbing himself like that in front of you was rude and shows lack of respect. If he does like you, then why is he trying to make you jealous? It seems like he's playing games, and that's not fair to you or respectful to you. You can keep going along not saying anything, but feel miserable inside b/c you don't know what's up or you can be honest and ask him what's up. It's not wrong to ask a guy's intentions especially if you have crossed the "friends" line.
As for your friends, they don't seem like real friends at all. If they know you like someone, why would they go after him even just flirting? That's not a true friend and they do not have your best interest at heart. Let's say you and this guy do end up together, you could never trust them around him.
Honestly, I think you know what you should do, it may be different than what you want to do. You deserve to be treated like a queen. If this guy will do that, than great, but if not than I would just remain friends. Sorry, it's probably not what you want to hear.
You said it best...he's a pig. 25 years old? REAL grown men would have more respect than to "go at it" right next to you. Personally, I would have been completely turned off by that blatent disrespect. Do you live with your parents? If so, that is a whole different level of disrespect. And rubbing himself in public?? That is disgusting and very juvenile. I'm sorry if this wasn't the answer you were looking for, but in my opinion you should set the bar a little higher.
Even if he hasn't acted like a jerk in the past, he is now. If you're afraid to ask him about his feelings, I'd suggest confronting him about his idiotic, juvenile behavior. Ask him - point blank - why after all these years of friendship he's suddenly acting like an *******. Once you have the info, you can decide what you want to do about it.
Hon, you deserve much better than this fellow. You sound like a charming young lady and my heart goes out to you...we all want to love and be loved, but this guy just doesn't sound like he's ready or willing to be a decent, supportive partner. From all you've described, he sounds highly immature and a bit creepy. I'm old enough to be your mom, and having "been there, done that," all I can say is...this one's not worth it!
Thanks. I needed to hear that. My friends just keep telling me to tell him i like him...but I haven't because I feel weird. I've liked him for a long time.. a couple years at least, but only recently (the past year) had I really thought about him as someone I would date. But seeing the way he acts with my friends and how they act with him makes me nervous. My best friend was with us last night, and she didn't know what the heck was going on. She couldn't believe our other girl friend and how she was acting.
Oh well. I think I'm just going to distance myself from him...I mean, if we don't date or whatever our friendship would fade anyway I'm sure. Especially once we each find the right person. Blah. This sucks. ...I'm sorry I just needed some advice from people uninvolved or whatever.
I posted about a semi-similar situation on here and for whatever reason hearing a ton of replies telling me to not call the guy, gave me the self control to leave everything up to him and not embarrass myself.
I would say the same...If you like him and he doesn't like you it really does you no good. If he really likes you he will make a serious move..ie try to kiss you, ask you out on a date..etc. Don't call him, ignore him and let him dictate what happens so that you don't end up hurt.
Also make sure that you actually like HIM and not just the thought of him. I'm always guilty of falling for guys that lead me on or don't feel the same. I know it's hard to get over someone thats been in your head for awhile but do the best you can. Maybe go on a date or 2 with someone else for no other reason than to stop obsessing over him so much.
There really is nothing like a nice guy who you are SURE really likes you, who is willing to make the moves, and in general having a relationship where the guy doesn't pull BS and you can actually sleep at night.
He was rubbing himself in front of you? That's so disrespectful and immature. I was friends with my hubby for about 18 months before we started dating and we hung out a lot alone at my apartment but my hubby NEVER did anything like that and STILL doesn't. I would confront him and ask him why he was doing that.. and then take it from there after you think about the conversation.
dating issue/question/dilemma (long)
