--Sometime last summer….
There it is… staring at me. Or well…. It would if it had eyes. It’s a perfect brown bikini with cute bows sitting daintily at the hips. It has colorful polka dots in shades of pink and green and the strings dangle on the hanger from the weak ventilation. It’s absolutely adorable- but a woman like me could never wear a bathing suit that revealed so little without the barrage of snide comments that would surely follow. And yet, it was summer and I desperately needed something to swim in. Even in the department store the heat was cloying and caused beads of sweat at the base of my neck and forehead. With a failing air conditioning system and much skinnier college women shopping in the same section I was, I could feel the pressure of heat and society beating down on me like it usually did during the summer months.
It was a showdown between the two women in my head. There was Madi, the fun-loving, hip chick who desperately wanted to claw at the bikini and bring it to the check out and tell society to **** itself. Then there was the unhappy fat Madi who pointed to the more sensible one piece suits in the neglected corner of the women’s section. Who was going to win?
The squeal of a blond woman caught my attention and I turned to look as she picked up a bikini bottom that could have passed for a band aid. She was slim and beautiful with a perfect tan, a French manicure that echoed the choice of porn stars world wide (I work in an Adult Video Store) and breast that were in danger of spilling out of her top.
“Baby! Isn’t this adorable?” She cried turning to what I assumed was her boyfriend. The man standing next to her idly looked at the strip of Lycra and he shrugged. “You look good in whatever you wear.” He said before grabbing the bikini and placing it in the shopping cart.
I looked at the bathing suit in front of me. Would my boyfriend say that too? I had been dating him for only two months and I hardly doubted he would think my doughy physique was something comparable to the woman next to me.
Only one why to find out.
******
Yeah. Well… I bought it. And I wore it… Under a shirt. Did my boyfriend like it? He did. And next month we’ll be celebrating our one year anniversary. And by celebrating I mean sitting at home watching reruns of America’s Next Top Model. We are weird like that.
I’m 20, in college, with a year and a half to go. I’ve met the man of my dreams and he’s amazing… 6’4”… Built like a male model… Good in bed… Oh and I guess his personality is something worth celebrating
But I digress because, well… This is about me and why I joined the forums.
I’m 5’4” and I weigh 160 pounds. I’ve been overweight for most of my life and it was only recently that I learned to accept it instead of making excuses for it. Am I morbidly obese? Certainly not… But I wouldn’t step out in public with my belly exposed… I wouldn’t even entertain the thought of wearing shorts (also because I‘m abnormally white… shameful being that I‘m Puerto Rican).
I do want to stress that my boyfriend loves the way I look… But I feel… silly standing next to him sometimes. Being a complete foot shorter than him is nice… I feel womanly next to such a tall guy. But I’ve got a bigger tummy than he does and I hate it. I want him to have a girlfriend he can be proud of and although I’m sure he loves me, I feel I can look better for myself, but also for him.
So why join now? Why want to loose the weight? Because… of that damned bikini… That tiny little cute brown bikini with the pink and green polka dots. Because when my boyfriend saw me in it he got excited (you know what I’m talking about people) but I was so ashamed of my extra fat that I couldn’t enjoy and share his excitement. I couldn’t walk down to the pool and rip off my towel and feel as beautiful as he thought I was.
And because in August we are going down to Saint Petersburg Florida for vacation. How can I possibly enjoy the beach in and oversized t-shirt and shorts? The answer is obviously… I can’t. And because that blond girl in the department store isn’t the only one that can wear a bikini. And because I want to look good when I’m having sex dang it!
So hello Forum. My name is Madison… Nice to meet you. I’m looking to loose at least 15 pounds by August… 30 by the end of the year.
Now I just have to buy a scale.
So I would post a picture but probably due to spamming... I have to post at least 25 times. Whatever.
The Bikini
Nice to meet you Madison, and I definitely enjoyed reading your post. Looking forward to seeing you around more often.
