Just having a down moment and wondering whether any of you who have made it -- or are getting close -- can share what it feels like to be you, but thin!
Right now (having made goal in October, so I'm not quite used to it yet), honestly, it feels weird, and sort of surreal. It also shifts around a lot. Sometimes, I'm on top of the world, touching my protruding bones and strutting around in my skinny jeans. Other times, I feel like I've made no progress at all (yes, I know it's ridiculous, but there is a real reason for this...your brain literally can't adjust its vision of your body as quickly as you can lose, so it can't "catch up" to reality, sometimes for a year or so post weight loss).
The compliments usually feel good, but not always (business settings, for example - it can get awkward when I see clients or coworkers I haven't seen in a while, because really, who wants clients and coworkers commenting on your body?).
HOWEVER - my BODY feels so much better, regardless of how I see it or how awkward I am in some situations. I am like me, but with 10 times the energy. I am me, but able to go up stairs without huffing and puffing. I am me, but no longer afraid of the same health problems I was before. Even if I don't always see it in my mirror, I FEEL the benefits every day.
My top weight was around 200, I have now been thin for 3 years. It never gets old, I am never jaded by my weight loss, I'm always thrilled.
When I was heavy, I was depressed and tired. I wore the same pair of jeans every day. I only had like 2 pairs of shoes, I wore a pair of black Sarto loafers every day. Eddie Bauer loose fit jeans, black loafers, tunic sweater, baggy shirt - every day. I never shopped anywhere but J.Jill, Eddie Bauer (both carried XXL) and Lane Bryant (which I loathed). I let my hair go long and curly, never did anything with it. No make up. No jewelry (except a watch). I never looked at myself - not in a mirror, not down at myself in a shower. I didn't visit my parents for almost 3 years.I hated pictures of myself, I avoided the camera. I was ashamed - didn't go to the company Christmas party because I didn't want to shop for a dress. I didn't go to my high school reunion. I stopped feeling like a woman, I never thought about sex.
I feel like a different person, 100%. I have more energy, I smile at strangers, I stand up straight. I LOOK at myself - in the mirror, in the shower, in pictures, I LIKE seeing myself. I loooove clothes, getting dressed everyday is a pleasure. I have a closet full of cute size 6 clothes, I have racks of shoes, I have a gorgeous LBD (little black dress). I have jewelry and purses and bought perfume. I can shop in almost any store, I am not afraid of the dressing room mirror - I don't have to shop online anymore. I still don't wear make up, but I like my face enough I don't feel I need it (I do color my hair religiously now - no more gray!)
I remember as I lost weight, watching the fat recede like seawater, my bones showing for the first time like seashells on a beach. My hip, my collarbone, my delicate wrists, my clavicles, a daily miracle. I still touch my hip, my collarbone, stare at my wrist, so amazing. I look exactly like my mother, who I always thought was a tiny slender woman with bones like a bird. For the first time, I realized I am shaped just like her - the same tiny ribcage, the same legs, the same small shoulders. After years of telling myself that I was "big boned" with a "slow metabolism" who was just destined to be fat (my dad tends to be heavy), it is a real mind switch to realize none of that is true.
I can walk without being winded, I can run up stairs. My thighs don't chafe anymore. I can happily wear a skirt on a warm summer day without pain!
I still catch sight of myself and think "who is that, that's me!" I still pull little shirts out of the dryer and fold them and think "this couldn't be MINE." I have no problems with intimacy - being naked, feeling sexy. I still turn sideways in the bathroom and stare at my stomach. Three years and I am still newly in love with myself everyday, it's like an infatuation (I hope that doesn't make me sound hopelessly vain, but I didn't like myself for so long, I'm enjoying loving myself).
Walrus, I wrote this post about a day in my life back in 2004, when someone here at 3FC asked if all the hard work was worth it? I hope you don't mind me copying the post over because it's just as true for me today. Oh, I Wish This Was Easier ...
Quote:
If there’s anyone who can relate to what you’re saying, it’s probably me. I walked the same road myself back in 2001 and 2002 and experienced all the same feelings that you talk about in your post. You’re not kidding when you say that losing weight is hard work, but I want to tell you that it’s so so worth it. From where you are now, you have a vision of what your life’s going to be like at goal, right? A dream about how you’re going to look and how you’re going to feel?
OK, I want you to step into my skin for today and feel what it’s like to be me. You with me? You see, I used to think it was all about how I’d look when I got to 135 pounds. I never realized that the pay-off is how good I FEEL. So if you can walk around in my (sweaty gym) shoes for one day, I guarantee that nothing in this world will stop you from losing the rest of the weight.
Here we go!
It’s 4:30 AM and I wake up before the alarm, bursting with energy. I need a lot less sleep now than I did 122 pounds ago. I never dreamed that I could feel so good! The first thing that goes through my mind every day is — woo hoo! I did it! I’m not fat anymore! To me now, every morning is Christmas morning; every day is the best day of my life.
I jump out of bed, make coffee, and throw on my gym clothes. That’s a huge change from before, when I was allergic to exercise. I’m at the gym when it opens and do my cardio for the day, listening to music with a great beat. I notice how much faster and more intensely I can go now than when I was heavy and every day I try to do a little more than the day before. That endorphin rush is a great way to start the day — I’m always so jazzed when I walk out of the gym.
Back home to breakfast: oatmeal and chocolate protein powder. The way I eat now and the way I used to eat are like night and day. No more sugar highs and crashes, no more feeling bloated, no more hating myself and feeling controlled by food. I plan my meals for the day and enter them into Fitday.
Then the usual Mom stuff and household stuff. It’s so cool to fly up and down the stairs without having to stop and catch my breath or having my knees and feet hurt. I get my chores done in about half the time it used to take. I love the feeling of being strong just while doing the everyday tasks of life: taking out the trash, carrying the laundry upstairs, hefting the 20# box of kitty litter.
And then the highlight of my day: back to the gym for weights. The gym was the scariest, most alien place in the world for me when I was heavy and now it’s home. I love lifting weights and love the muscles and the look they give me. I used to be afraid to look in the mirrors at the gym (you know how the walls are lined with mirrors) - now I catch a glimpse of myself and marvel at the stranger who’s looking back at me. How could this be me? I spent all my life as the fat girl and now I have toned arms and little hips. I walk out of the gym on cloud ninee, knowing that I've pushed myself to my limits as I worked to build my best body. Lifting weights has taught me that I have strength and endurance and discipline that I never imagined and it carries over to all other aspects of my life. I know that I’m capable of anything that I set my mind to doing.
Let’s stop and do some clothes shopping on the way home, OK? I walk in and bypass the plus sizes and head for all the pretty clothes in the regular sizes. I don’t have to shop for camouflage anymore — no more big T-shirts to hide the butt or long sleeves to cover the jiggle. No more elastic waists or towels strategically covering up my bathing suit. I can look at crop tops and low-rise pants, beautiful (and sexy) lingerie, and tank tops. I see something that I want to try on and look for it in a 4 or a small(which can be hard to find). Now stand in my shoes with me in the dressing room and hold up a pair of jeans in size 4. They’ll never fit, right? They’re WAY too tiny — I used to look at small sizes and think that no one could have a butt small enough to fit in those. But they slide right up over my hips and fit perfectly (no sucking in the gut). The problem with clothes shopping when I was fat was that nothing looked good. The problem now is that too much looks good — hard on the old budget.
Back home, normal life. My dinner’s different from the rest of my family’s but it doesn’t bother me or them a bit. And then to bed, knowing that I physically feel better than I ever have in my life. But more than just how good I feel is the knowledge that I did it! It took me 47 years, but I finally got rid of the fat that weighed down every aspect of my life. There’s no better feeling in the world.
Losing weight — and more importantly — keeping it off is hard work and it’s a job that we’ll have to do for the rest of our lives. It takes sweat, hard work, planning, and self-discipline. You know what to do; like you said, the elements are habit now. But trust me, the pay-off at the end of road is far, far better than you can imagine.
Keep going — you’ve come so far now. When you think about the alternative — going back to being fat and unhappy — really, what choice is there? I guarantee that when you reach your goal (and you will, I’m sure) you’ll agree with me that it was the hardest and, at the same time, the best thing that you ever did in your life
My top weight was around 200, I have now been thin for 3 years. It never gets old, I am never jaded by my weight loss, I'm always thrilled.
When I was heavy, I was depressed and tired. I wore the same pair of jeans every day. I only had like 2 pairs of shoes, I wore a pair of black Sarto loafers every day. Eddie Bauer loose fit jeans, black loafers, tunic sweater, baggy shirt - every day. I never shopped anywhere but J.Jill, Eddie Bauer (both carried XXL) and Lane Bryant (which I loathed). I let my hair go long and curly, never did anything with it. No make up. No jewelry (except a watch). I never looked at myself - not in a mirror, not down at myself in a shower. I hated pictures of myself, I avoided the camera. I was ashamed - didn't go to the company Christmas party because I didn't want to shop for a dress. I didn't go to my high school reunion. I stopped feeling like a woman, I never thought about sex.
I feel like a different person, 100%. I have more energy, I smile at strangers, I stand up straight. I LOOK at myself - in the mirror, in the shower, in pictures, I LIKE seeing myself. I loooove clothes, getting dressed everyday is a pleasure. I have a closet full of cute size 6 clothes, I have racks of shoes, I have a gorgeous LBD (little black dress). I have jewelry and purses and bought perfume. I can shop in almost any store, I am not afraid of the dressing room mirror - I don't have to shop online anymore. I still don't wear make up, but I like my face enough I don't feel I need it (I do color my hair religiously now - no more gray!)
I remember as I lost weight, watching the fat recede like seawater, my bones showing for the first time like seashells on a beach. My hip, my collarbone, my delicate wrists, my clavicles, a daily miracle. I still touch my hip, my collarbone, stare at my wrist, so amazing. I look exactly like my mother, who I always thought was a tiny slender woman with bones like a bird. For the first time, I realized I am shaped just like her - the same tiny ribcage, the same legs, the same small shoulders. After years of telling myself that I was "big boned" with a "slow metabolism" who was just destined to be fat (my dad tends to be heavy), it is a real mind switch to realize none of that is true.
I can walk without being winded, I can run up stairs. My thighs don't chafe anymore. I can happily wear a skirt on a warm summer day without pain!
I still catch sight of myself and think "who is that, that's me!" I still pull little shirts out of the dryer and fold them and think "this couldn't be MINE." I have no problems with intimacy - being naked, feeling sexy. I still turn sideways in the bathroom and stare at my stomach. Three years and I am still newly in love with myself everyday, it's like an infatuation (I hope that doesn't make me sound hopelessly vain, but I didn't like myself for so long, I'm enjoying loving myself).
Glory, your emotion really came through in this post, this was so poetically phrased, especially the part about your bones emerging like seashells, once hidden treasures being revealed. It literally brought tears to my eyes. I am so happy for you and can't wait to feel like that too. It's beautiful, the way you love yourself! Bravo!
Reading this was EXACTLY what I needed today. Mandalinn, Glory and Meg...your lives are so inspiring to me. I go back and read your posts whenever I feel lost on this journey.
Oh gosh... *sniff* What brilliant posts. Have I mentioned my undying gratitude for all the maintainers still posting & still doing what they're doing around 3FC? If I have, I don't think I've said it enough. It's so comforting to be able to look down this road and have a glimpse of what it will be like.
I too am always inspired to read the Maintainers journey and I often "sit in" on their daily postings. I thank you for remaining on here and posting so that others will know that any one can make it.
I once was naturally thin until I was 30 years old. I gained about 60 lbs in 4 months and yes I did go to a doctor to find out why. The tests were inconclusive so I began a very long series of dieting on very restrictive diets and calories. I would lose 40 lbs and then regain that plus 10 lbs. It was a repetitive cycle that I believe triggered an eating disorder in me because I did not have one before all of this happened. In 1987 I said NO MORE DIETS!
I did something most people wouldn't do: I began working on the inside of me while I was working on the outside of me. I was in and out of therapy a couple of times. I learned the source of my insecurities and low self-esteem. I came face to face with my fears of being sexually assaulted again (something that I would not allow myself to feel). I was still obese by medical terms but I was physically active. I gardened. I golfed. I danced. I did aerobics and lifted weights. I hiked in the mountains up to 25,000 feet at a weight of 242 lbs. My mom thought I was going to have a heart attack.
I am and have always been a clothes horse. I worked in the legal field during that time and I had to look presentable at all times. I spent as much on my work clothes as my then-lawyer husband did. I have always maintained my physical appearance no matter what the scales said! I realize that not all people would approach being obese this way but I did.
I have struggled in the past ten years attempting to lose this weight so I worked some more on my insides. I kept dieting and I kept failing. I began to slowly incorporate healthy foods in my food plan even though I continued to overeat.
I wanted to share this because not every overweight person's story is the same. We are not cookie cut out people. I accept my weight and as a result I neither loathe my body nor do I hate myself or my weaknesses. I have an issue with food and if you look at my body you may notice that I am obese but often I have many people say that they didn't realize I was overweight until after they had spent time with me. It is not that I am good at hiding it. I don't try. I just accept who I am and surprisingly so do other people.
I am very proud of all that the Maintainers on this website have done and shared with us. I plan on being there in about a year. If it takes longer, so be it but I KNOW deep in my heart and soul, that this is the time. This is my window of opportunity and I am grabbing it.
If we love ourselves first then we won't give ourselves the short end of the stick but the "whole enchilada".
I am "unnaturally fat" today but I am moving towards reclaiming my "naturally thin" self again. And, I know that my life will not be any different than it is today---except I will have put closure on this part of my life.
Thank you for sharing. I wanted to give another perspective on this topic.
So many wonderful posts already...
I want to start first with what it was like to be fat for me.
I was a chubby child - I am larger boned and most of the women in my family are very short, small framed women. At 12 years old, I was 4 inches taller and 20lbs heavier than my mother, who was 42, not to mention my feet were 3 sizes larger! My mother made me feel like an elephant, and was constantly restricting my food choices against my will. We never had unhealthy food in the house, but from what I see when I look back, she was restricting my calorie levels to dangerously low amounts for a preteen. I am sure now that this did not help my current struggles.
I was actually "thin" in high school - not skinny by any means, but a comfortable size 9, which suits my large frame fairly well. I weighed 135lbs and was very active - i played 3 sports and rode my bike everywhere.
I became "fat" after college, after a bout of serious depression and major heartbreak. I was still active, but working full time and continuing my education on weekends really didn't help my poor eating habits. I lived alone and gorged on anything and everything I had been denied as a child.
As a fat girl, I will still active, participating in sports, going to the gym regularly, and though i worked in restaurants I tried to keep to a fairly healthy (albiet very hearty) diet. If you overindulge in ANYTHING you will gain weight. While I was gaining weight, between overeating and drinking, I now believe I was consuming close to 5000 calories on any given day. I maintain at 2500-3000, i lose at 1800-2000. I went from a size 9 to a 12 to a 14 to an 18 to a 22 in the course of less than 2 years. And I was convinced that manufacturers were making clothing SMALLER and it was THEM, not ME.
Oh how I know better now.
So much of what was wrong was in my head. I was unhappy at work, i was unhappy with my personal life, I was just plain unhappy and hiding behind the fact that I was destined to be a "big" girl the rest of my life.
I made the choice to lose weight, and 4 years ago I managed to take off over 50lbs but I hadn't worked on ME. I still didn't work on ME until I decided to continue my journey 6 months ago. I got a new job, I started working on how my boyfriend and I relate (not always so great, to be honest, but we're sticking together for the long run) and I really got a handle on my life.
THAT made so much more of a difference than 50lbs lost. I was active and somewhat healthy even at 250lbs. I could run a mile then, but now I can run 5.
anyhow, and this is becoming epic, me NOW?
I am much more fit than I was even at 130lbs. I am 171 and just about the same size that I was in even in high school (36.30.36 then vs. 34.31.37now)
I have the energy of someone who is 18 years old. I have a job that I love that I would have NEVER gotten if I hadn't gained the confidence I have from feeling so great every day. They could have chosen ANY one of many more qualified applicants, but they gave the job to me. I have muscle definition and a body that I'm proud of for the first time in my life. I have hipbones and collarbones and size 8 jeans and medium shirts. The chest I grew as a heavy girl has stayed and I have a "figure" for the first time in my life. If i suck it in, I can count my ribs and see the begining of six pack abs (at least on top! - what is that, a two pack?)
I don't spend hours in the bathroom doing my makeup because my skin is CLEAR and I don't break out anymore unless it's TOM. My hair is fantastic and I have a jawline. These days, even my FEET look skinny (I lost a shoe size and have gone from a 10 to a 9).
I have some loose skin on my lower abdomen, but i'm fine with it. I'm not quite 30 and i'm pretty confident that if i could convince myself to do more crunches on a regular basis and once I lose the the last 20 it will go away in time. That any my stretch marks are like battle scars - this is what I have OVERCOME.
The downside? I am now a cheap date I used to pride myself on my alcohol tolerance, and now here I am, two glasses of wine after dinner and rambling like a maniac. a happy maniac, but a maniac nonetheless.
I have been busy with other things this week and missed this thread!
I don't feel that by many people's standards I am thin. But I have lost 120 pounds, reclaimed my life, and am grateful every single day for that. I don't even really care to be "thin" at this point, because I feel like I got everything I'd always wished for when I was morbidly obese. So many little things have changed: I can fit in airplane seats and those desk/chairs in the classrooms at the college I teach; I don't have to worry about how to squeeze my bulk in tight spots; I have more energy -- I wear a size 12 (or 14 ).
My daily life is different, as others have noted.
I used to think about my weight everyday. I'd wonder if I could find any clothes that fit that I liked, if I was the fattest woman at my university. I worried about travelling places and being judged for my weight.
I still think about my weight everyday, but it is no longer a WEIGHT on my mind. I know that I can do the things I want to do, I have more confidence, I like how I look...
And every day I am still amazed that I went through this transformation.
What's it like to be thin?
(I hope that doesn't make me sound hopelessly vain, but I didn't like myself for so long, I'm enjoying loving myself).
I once was naturally thin.....
